Category: Honesty

I’m Not Lazy; I’m Depressed

*Could be triggering 

I’m in a pretty real funk. It’s probably safe to say that I’ve been in a funk for the better part of six years now but to be honest for the last two months I have felt more and more like my illness is beating me as opposed to me beating it. I feel defeated from the moment I wake up and I feel very little incentive to get out of bed; and it’s not because I’m lazy, it’s because I’m depressed and my depression wears a mask just like many others who suffer.

Depression creates a vicious cycle and for anyone who has ever suffered with Depression they will totally appreciate what I am saying because I want so much to thrive, I want so much to complete a simple task without it depleting me both mentally and physically, I want so much to work, I want so much to be more independent, I want so much to feel needed, I want so much to feel like I am more than just a burden to my loved ones and I want so much to feel like my life is worth living.  

Yes Depression makes me feel all those things and keeps me from thriving and doing simple tasks. It keeps me feeling like I don’t want to do anything at all and that I need to do everything all at once and then of course I beat myself up further which clearly only makes matters worse. But much of what I do or can’t do is not by choice even if some may believe otherwise, but I am truly not lazy; now laziness, now that’s a choice!

I wish that my illness was just a passing phase of feeling unmotivated to wash a few dirty dishes in the sink or to be able to drive myself to the grocery store whenever I need to but I don’t have the ability to do many simple tasks most people take for granted.

And the vicious cycle continues because if I was just lazy and not depressed then I wouldn’t have to live each day feeling like a complete failure for not washing a few dishes, I wouldn’t have to live each day feeling guilty for not driving myself to the store to pick up a few groceries and I would not have to live each day criticizing myself for all that I can’t do instead of gently reminding myself of all the things I do and can do.

#itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #laziness #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #advocate #suicide #help #startaconversation #masksoff #depressionisnotachoice #checkonyourlovedones #dontsufferinsilence #speakyourtruth 

Happy National Love Your Pet Day

Wish I believed

I truly don’t need an excuse or a reason why to post a pic of my Maggilicious but since it’s National Love Your Pet Day here goes!

#maggie #NationalLoveYourPetDay #besttherapy #pettherapy #morkie #therapeutic #mentalwellness  #mentalhealth #loyalty #dogsarethebestmedicine #youareenough #wishibelieved

Another Craft

Family is not a game for which we keep score; family should be treasured.

#crossword #scrabble #crafting #connection #shadowbox #ilovecrafting #therapy #therapeutic #familymatters #blessed #youarenotalone #youareenough #iloveyoutothemoonandback #foreverandaday #myreasonswhy

WHAT SHOULD I  BE WHEN I GROW UP?

What do you want to be when you grow up? Well at 48, close to 49 years old I am still searching for the answer.

When I was a child I had big dreams of becoming a veterinarian because I loved animals but the problem was I sucked at science, refused to dissect a frog and not to mention that I was way too sensitive to work with sick animals. 

At one point during my days of baton twirling I wanted to become a professional baton twirler if that’s even such a thing! But after winning the Miss Congeniality award and twirling my baton in a local Santa Claus parade I was hooked. 

Of course there was the time I dreamt of becoming a cartoonist. I had sketchbooks upon sketchbooks of cartoon characters I had created and cartoon strips to go along with them. I was pretty darn imaginative and maybe even a bit funny. 

Then there was the time I really wanted to become a hairdresser (and to be honest it’s still something I long for). I would play with my doll’s hair for hours on end, styling it and giving them some pretty cool haircuts too, that was of course until I started practicing on real human hair, (I had some pretty brave friends I must say) and I was the queen of french braiding which I still am to this day (or at least my girls think so).

Oh man the list of what I wanted to be when I grew up was endless; a model, a fashion designer, a social worker, an art therapist and even a journalist. Yes almost 49 years now and still searching for what I want to be when I grow up and feeling very inadequate in so many of my life choices but if I have learned anything along my journey over the last 6 years it’s that growth is an ever-changing process and that it’s okay to keep changing and that it’s okay keep growing and that it’s okay to keep pursuing your passions, your purpose and your reason why even if it takes a lifetime and even if you have to go through hell to get there first.

#blogger #childrensauthor #writer #childrensbook #wheredidmommyssmilego  #amazondotca #helpingothers  #advocate #purpose #mywhy #youareenough #noshame #mentalillness  #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #selfcare #ichooseme #dreams #goals #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone 

Galentine’s/Valentine’s


Less than 48 hours ago I had never heard of the unofficial holiday called “Galentine’s Day”; that was until my daughter announced at dinner the other night that she would be celebrating it with some of her best girlfriends later that week. 

I suddenly became intrigued by this fictitious holiday after then hearing it mentioned several more times over the next day or so (weird eh?, but it’s no secret that Facebook and Instagram listen to our conversations). It turns out that this so called holiday has been around for 10 years and first gained its popularity after an episode of the TV sitcom Parks and Recreation aired it. 

This made up holiday is now celebrated on February 13th, which is of course the day before Valentine’s Day and focuses purely on celebrating friendship among women. For many individuals who are not in committed and loving relationships this can be one of the hardest weeks of the year when the air is filled with nothing but romance so maybe Galentine’s Day is the perfect distraction. 

I think that whether this holiday was made up or not, Parks and Rec writers were on to something when they created Galentine’s Day because friendship is definitely worth celebrating, in fact it needs to be celebrated and it’s most definitely a holiday with a lot less pressure than most and certainly a lot more inclusivity than Valentine’s Day!

Friendship is a precious gift and should not be taken for granted. Friendship should be cherished and surrounded by laughter and adventure and shenanigans. Friendship means being able to show your vulnerability without fear of being judged and friendship is about being loyal and helping to make the lows in life a little easier and the highs a lot more fun.

So I now declare that Galentine’s Day become an official National Holiday in conjunction with or as an extension of Valentine’s Day as friendship needs to be honoured because in the end it’s not the romance that makes a marriage last for 50 + years, it’s the friendship.  What does friendship mean to you?

Happy Galentine’s Day to all my beautiful friends who always make the lows a little easier and the highs a lot more fun! ❤

And happy Valentine’s Day to my bestest friend of all ❤ who’s friendship I cherish above all. I love you to the moon and back Rich, forever and a day!

Please continue to follow my journey at: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com 

Go ahead, tag your Galentines!

#galentinesday #valentinesday #empowerment #friendship #love #myheart #youareenough #loyal #cherish #romance #adventure #holiday #friends #youarenotalone #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #selflove

30 Days Smoke Free

Tomorrow will be exactly 1 month (Jan 14, 2020) since I quit smoking (time sure flies when you’re having fun!). That’s over 300 cigarettes I haven’t smoked, that’s nearly 250 dollars I’ve saved and that’s a whole lot of Self-Love!
Having the ability to feel Self-Love is something I struggle with daily as you’ve probably noticed by now.

To feel Self-Love takes a lot of ongoing and continual upkeep of a person’s body, mind and soul in order to help maintain a more fulfilling life. Simply put, it’s not something money can buy you because Self-Love isn’t a feeling of instant gratification you desire in order to fulfill a pleasure in the here and now. 

Well seeing as tomorrow just so happens to also be Valentine’s Day maybe it’s a sign from Cupid, maybe he is willing to guide me toward true Self-Love but maybe in the meantime he can guide me toward some of that instant gratification! Afterall, 30 days smoke free surely deserves a gift in the here and now too; wouldn’t you agree? ❤💖🛍💍👡 

#selflove #selfcare #selfworth #ichooseme #smokefree #iquit #addictions #nosmoking #instantgratification #thirtydays #valentinesday #empowerment #giveagiftoflove #bekindtoyourself #cupid #fromtheheart #bowandarrow 

It’s 3AM

Having an anxiety attack sucks whatever time it is; day or night, but the feeling you get when you’re all alone and already feeling very vulnerable because it’s 3am and you can’t sleep and you just wish there was someone to talk to and that your husband would stop snoring really takes the cake!

#anxiety #anxietyisreal #anxietysucks #anxietyattack #cantbreathe #maggiecuddle  #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #thisisreallife #cantsleep

A Crafty Kinda Day

I hope you can tell from the picture (it’s a glass frame so you may have to zoom in to get the full effect) that the central focus inside the frame is a semicolon with positive affirmations encompassing it. The semicolon has been a huge part of my story for several years now and I have shown my support to the Project Semicolon Movement for close to 4 years now. For those of you who don’t know, Project Semicolon is a “nonprofit organization known for its advocacy of mental health wellness and its focus as an anti-suicide initiative. Founded in 2013, the movement’s aim is presenting hope and love to those who are struggling with depression,suicide, addiction, and self-injury. They are known for encouraging people to tattoo the punctuation mark semicolon (;) as a form of solidarity between people dealing with mental illness or the death of someone from suicide”, which is what I did in July 2016 (see photo).


I’ve been struggling a lot over the past week and I figured I could use some inspiration today so I made it a “crafty” kind of day. It’s ok to not be ok, it’s ok to talk about the hard days and it’s more than ok to tell someone you’re struggling because we all deserve to feel hope, we all deserve to feel worthy and we all deserve to feel like our story isn’t over yet; 

My tattoo on my left shoulder

You see, a semicolon is not just any ole punctuation mark that an author would use to end a sentence, it instead indicates a brief pause, and for me that brief pause is a symbol of my life and the need to catch my breath in order to continue the rest of my story. We are all authors to our own stories and it’s ok if you need to take a pause between sentences. 

#selfcare #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #semicolon #projectsemicolon #youareenough #breathe #pause #keepgoing #youmatter #crafts #yourstoryisntoveryet #tattoo #chai #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #advocate #blogger #author #wheredidmommyssmilego #amazondotca 

A Cup of Magic

The other night I cracked open a can of diet coke from the fridge. It had been well over a week since I’d even had the urge to do so and I actually felt the back of my throat start to burn as I drank it. Just 2 short months ago I literally drank diet coke for breakfast, lunch, dinner and as a midnight snack; I mean if I could have taken it intravenously I would have but now thanks to the delicious cup of hot cocoa (which also comes in coffee) I’ve been drinking every morning for almost 2 months my craving, my desire, my need, my want for diet coke is completely gone. I’m even starting to believe that this magic cup of hot chocolate may be the reason that I wanted to quit smoking too! Can you imagine how the back of my throat would feel today inhaling a cigarette, 21 days smoke-free!

https://www.myvalentus.com/kfluxgold

#magic #valentus #cocoa #happycoffee #nomoredietcoke #smokefree #twentyonedays #twentypoundsgone #cravingsgone #painfree #trim #immuneboost

Therapy: All The Cool Kids Are Doing It!!!

Today I’m having a particularly hard day. I can’t say that there’s been one thing in particular that has made the start of the new week so hard for me but often when someone is suffering with Depression and Anxiety there doesn’t have to be a good reason, it just is. I probably experienced every negative emotion known to mankind before noon-time today and cried at least three times before then as well.  

I wasn’t sure I was gonna make it past noon today with so many overwhelmingly negative and unwanted thoughts going on inside my head causing me a great amount of fear, guilt, anger and sadness to erupt all at once so I sure as hell was grateful that I had an appointment already scheduled to see my therapist this afternoon.

Over the course of my illness there has been one constant in my journey and that is therapy.  It has not always been good therapy and some of it has left me shaking my head in shock and anger and some has just been downright awful but through a lot of trial and error I finally found the perfect balance for me a couple of years ago and my lifesaver. I’m not ashamed to tell people I go to therapy (well that’s probably quite obvious by now seeing as I divulge every intimate thought and feeling to you!) and it makes me feel sad when some people are reluctant to see a Therapist or make excuses as to why they can’t see one because whether it’s going to see a Therapist, a Counsellor, a Life Coach, a Social Worker, a Psychologist or a Psychiatrist when you are feeling overwhelmed or sad should be just as normal as going to see your Doctor when you have the flu!

I know that therapy can be very expensive if not covered by OHIP (in Canada) or an insurance plan (if you even have one) and we all know that there can be long wait lists for OHIP covered Therapists and Doctors however there are still plenty of places to start if you need help right away including Distress and Crisis Helplines and Hospital ER’s. I have found myself in many Emergency Rooms, too many times now that I’ve stopped counting, but during several of those visits I have been given access to free community-based group and individual programs and sometimes I was also placed in one on one care with a Counsellor who work with outpatients.  

It’s not always easy to talk to a loved one or confidant about what you are feeling and very often when a situation is bigger than you then you may need an outsider to listen to you who can advise you from a non-judgmental place and with an unbiased perspective. A therapist et al can help to validate your experience and not make you and your problems feel unworthy while being in a safe place to process your thoughts. They will give you different tools for working through difficult situations, allowing room for your personal growth, teach you coping skills, give you insight and model for you what healthy boundaries and healthy relationships should be and sometimes just being able to say things out loud can help you understand your thoughts and feelings in a whole new way.

Until 5 years and 10 months ago I had never been to a Therapist; I never felt that I needed to but now I look at therapy or life-coaching from a totally different lens and I truly believe that at some point or another in every person’s life that seeking the guidance of a professional for a little extra emotional support could really help keep us balanced. We all go through ups and downs in our lifetime and we could all use some tweaking from time to time and there ain’t no shame in that! Oh and by the way, no matter how hard today has been for me I did not smoke!! 

If you or someone you know needs immediate help start here or go to your closest emergency room:

Toronto Distress Centres- 416-408-HELP(4357)

Gerstein Centre- 416-929-5200

Kids Help Phone- 1-800-668-6868

Please continue to follow my journey at: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com

#Smokefree #twentydays #hardday #helpline #distresscentres #therapy #therapyiscool #itsoktonotbeok #itsoktoaskforhelp #startaconversation #youareenough #noshame #endthestigmatogether #youarenotalone #mentalillness #selfcare #mentalwellness #masksoff #depression #anxiety #dontsufferinsilence