Category: Depression

*WARNING: SENSITIVE CONTENT*

This past week has been very difficult, exhausting and complicated.  Some of which I will open up about today, but much of what happened this past week is still too painful to talk about right now.  It has been a week filled with so many mixed emotions especially feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.  I have spent this week working through my quandary with some much needed (and involuntarily) additional support in order to help me through.

My week began with a severe panic attack, it did not happen in the comfort of my own home or in a busy public place, but instead it occurred in my car while I was driving.  It has been two years since I had to stop driving at night due to my anxiety and issues with my eyesight (thanks to all the concoctions of medication I had been on), but over the last while I have felt my ability to drive at all has been hindered as well.   My judgement while behind the wheel has become obstructed by fear, uneasiness and panic.  I had always considered myself to be a pretty adept and confident driver but recently all that has changed, leaving me feeling even more hopeless and helpless inside and out.

The following day after my panic attack I needed to drive my husband home from a procedure he was having (he is okay!).  My anxiety began building up before dawn and the only way I was going to get through the morning was by ensuring I took an extra dose of some CBD oil.  The car ride home was especially quiet as I had just experienced another episode moments earlier.  When we finally arrived home (safe and sound) my husband was clearly concerned and unsettled.  He proceeded to articulate his apprehension towards me driving right now and in his own witty and sarcastic way he expressed how we would have been better off letting him drive home while still under the effects of sedation.

My illness has left me feeling defeated and powerless on more occasions than I can count which is why I am now left believing that I am beyond helpless.  Helplessness is defined as someone who is deprived of strength or power, unable to help one self, leaving them feeling weak, incapacitated and unfit to manage independently.  These feelings have significantly interfered in my daily life over the course of my illness as well as my road to recovery, in turn creating some serious consequences.  I am extremely frustrated and discouraged having lost all sense of self which has left me longing to just want to give up.  I feel as though I have been banging my head against a brick wall for far too long and that all my efforts are futile.

I know that I have never shied away from trying new treatments or therapy, and that I have been given many tools along the way in order to assist me in identifying many of my triggers but still I am left with an overpowering sense of helplessness.  I compare my illness to that of riding on a roller coaster, one with many ups and downs, twists and turns and one which leaves me feeling so out of control and most definitely helpless.  I am so terrified and want to scream in order to get off the ride but it won’t stop, not on my own terms anyways.

My therapist has been working with me toward a common goal of ensuring I lose this feeling of helplessness.  This goal in which she is hoping to achieve over the next little while will be done through Hypnotherapy, something she is clinically trained in.  It is something I have never tried before and I am very nervous to do so but as I have stated above, I never shy away from any new therapy or treatment.  Hypnotherapy is a guided hypnosis or a trance-like state of mind which focuses its attention completely inward to find natural resources deep within ourselves to help regain control or make necessary changes in our lives.  Together we have worked on a list of areas that she deems imperative right now to concentrate on and SIX pages later I am set to try this next part of my journey.  She has reassured me that it is very relaxing and that I will be in complete control. She has also promised me that I will not feel violated in any way or start quacking like a duck next time I hear my name called out.

Last year the world was met with unprecedented repercussions from women everywhere who finally found the courage to say #timesup.  Although International Women’s Day has been celebrated for over a century, this year felt different.  This year felt like a new beginning for women to be able to take center stage (and I don’t just mean celebrities at award shows!), yet women have been taking action against their injustices, their inequalities and their overall rights since the beginning of time so why then in 2018 do we still seem to have so far to go until we achieve these goals?

International Women’s Day for most women is a day to honour and recognize our achievements we have made, celebrate the women in our lives who have helped contribute to our achievements and it is also a day in which we acknowledge the challenges we still face today as women.  For me it became another day of feeling worthless, hopeless, guilty, angry and ashamed.

It’s fair to say that women in general experience much more adversity and tribulations throughout our lives than men do, I mean have you seriously ever imagined what the world would be like if men got their periods every month for an average of 40+ years, or if they had to carry a baby inside their bodies for 9 months and then give birth to it, multiple times for many.  We as women are also far more susceptible to discrimination in the workplace, sexual abuse and the inability to feel safe when walking alone.

Having two teenage daughters (and a soon to be adult son) who are now facing the responsibility to ensure that the next generation of women continue to find their voices, take the platform and become empowered is met with mixed emotions for me right now as my illness has left me feeling like a less than capable guiding force in their lives.

For me the definition of a woman is someone who is confident, hardworking, loving, smart, proud and as Helen Reddy said it best, strong & invincible.  I look at these words I have written down and can’t help but feel sadness, a sadness that runs deeper than my illness, a sadness that awakens it.  Am I doing my best to ensure that my daughters (and son) learn how wonderful and competent they are in order for them to feel self-empowered and conquer their dreams and goals?  Have I instilled enough strength in them in order for them to believe that they deserve to fulfill these dreams and goals?  Have I encouraged them and given them the proper tools to use in order for them to realize how truly powerful they can be?

My illness says otherwise.  The guilt and shame I bestow upon myself when it comes to raising my children and what lasting effects I may be causing them by lacking my own sense of self-empowerment.   I know that for one to feel self-empowered does not mean that you have all the answers, or that you are perfect by any means, but I do know that to feel empowered takes determination, courage and inner peace.  It’s learning to let go of your past criticisms and regrets in order to take on new challenges; It’s about trusting others as much as you trust yourself to not pass judgment upon you; It’s about creating a positive attitude and having control over your own thoughts and beliefs; It’s about being honest with yourself and having the confidence to show the world just how powerful you truly can be.

Depression has an influential way of taking away someone’s personal empowerment and although everyone feels a lack of confidence or insecurity from time to time, I need to remind myself that I am doing the best that I can right now to ensure that my children become empowered adults even if along the road they encounter a few bumps, a few imperfections and even a few scratches I believe they will get there and that maybe, just maybe my journey will have helped them find their way.

‘In order to heal we must first forgive…and sometimes the person we must forgive is ourselves.’  Mila Bron

As human beings we are oftentimes more critical of our own selves than others turning us into our own worst enemies.  We find it easier to give another person the benefit of the doubt, allow them some leeway in their behaviour, or choose to give them a second, third or even a tenth chance to correct their actions because we want so desperately to believe they didn’t really mean it.

So why is it so difficult to do the same for ourselves?  So why is it so difficult to feel the same empathy for ourselves?  So why is it so difficult for me to learn to forgive myself?  Forgiveness is when a person consciously chooses to let go of negative emotions, displeasure or indignation in order to excuse the wrongdoings bestowed upon them by another human being.  Forgiveness does not necessarily mean that you accept, reconcile or excuse the actions which hurt you, whether it is physically or emotionally, but it may certainly enable you to feel empowered instead of allowing it to define you.

I have spent the better part of my journey placing self-blame on myself for being sick even though somewhere very deep down inside of me I know that my illness is not my fault and instead it has impaired my rational thinking and judgment.  It has become an all too familiar practice for me to blame myself for things which may or may not even be in my control.  It is quite common for me to perceive any situation or circumstance that have an unfavourable or adverse outcome on myself even though I had nothing to do with it at all.  This type of reaction for me is probably the most crippling and toxic form of emotional abuse.

Even though somewhere very deep down inside of me I know that my illness is not my fault yet I continue to feel that somehow it is and that I willingly brought it upon myself.  I also know that you would never tell a person with Cancer or Diabetes that it is all in their head and that they should just ‘snap out of it’.  This holds true for any type of mental illness too, yet here I am almost four years later inflicting self-blame upon myself…daily.  Maybe it is because the more I blame myself the more I begin to uncover how distorted my views really are of myself.

From what I have uncovered about myself recently has been nothing short of overwhelming to say the least, bringing up continuous feelings of guilt, worthlessness, regret, remorse, indignity, hopelessness and self-blame.  This combination of negative emotions leaves me feeling less than capable and unforgiving in my daily life.

Forgiveness is a process and that process is different for everyone.  For me, in order to take the proper steps toward forgiving myself I first need to understand that I can’t control my past and I certainly can’t magically undo it either, I just need to learn how to accept it.  I need to try to acknowledge how to give myself a break and recognize that I did the best I could with the resources I was given throughout my childhood forward.   I also need to teach myself how to unravel my feelings of self-blame by categorizing and prioritizing them in order to begin healing, but most of all I need to hit the ‘stop’ button every time I catch myself ruminating which creates the vicious cycle.

I know that my mental wellness depends on my ability to learn how to stop the self-blame and open up my heart to forgive myself.  It may very well be the most difficult part of my recovery because learning to let go of that disparaging and critical voice in my head which has been holding me hostage for so long still seems so undeserving.  I only hope that in time I can learn to give myself the benefit of the doubt and that second, third or tenth chance at forgiveness.

This past week was met with so many mixed emotions.  It was met with a considerable amount of pain, with great sadness, with extraordinary anguish and a significant amount of reflection & revelation.  Throughout this week while trying to cope with my afflictions and anxiety I became extremely lost, inhibited and unsure.  I immediately felt myself facing a mental health crisis and needed to resolve how I was going to reduce its impact, but I simply didn’t know how to or where to turn first.  My husband quickly and unselfishly pointed out to me where I needed to begin and reminded me of my mantra which has been continuously reinforced through a multitude of therapists and facilitators; that ‘I Choose Me’.

I have talked about the importance of making sure that ‘I Choose Me’ before, however, when I am faced with having to ‘Choose Me’, it is met with a great deal of resistance as well as feelings of guilt and apprehension.  These feelings which are quite normal for me by now can and do often turn unsafe and self-destructive if not addressed straightaway.

There are many warning signs that someone may be in crisis or in need of immediate intervention that are important for loved ones to detect in order to de-escalate the situation. Many of these signs may come without any warning but it is important to remember that no matter how big or small they may seem to you, it is always best to follow your instincts.  Some of the signs to look out for are; a sudden change in mood or eating and sleep patterns, intense agitation, unclear thinking or irrational thoughts, loss of reality, making harmful threats to oneself or others, isolating themselves, self-harm, an increase in alcohol or drug abuse, experiencing hallucinations or delusions and showing suicidal ideations (I’m pretty sure this list is a conclusive look at the week I leave behind).

When someone is in crisis I can assure you that communication is essential in limiting an increased or heightened risk.  It is important that the individual feels acknowledged and validated by effectively listening and of course always remembering to use an empathetic & non-judgmental tone, but most of all, show compassion.  For me, talk therapy has been a necessary part of my treatment to help me cope with my feelings, help me problem solve through my issues and help me change some behaviours that may be contributing to my symptoms.

Talk therapy often involves more than just ‘talking’ which may sometimes include journaling your thoughts, keeping track of your moods or participating in certain activities. Talk therapy is oftentimes crucial in understanding your mental illness, defining & reaching goals, coping with stress & anxiety or overcoming your fears & insecurities.  Talk therapy can also play a notable role in understanding past traumas, learning to recognizing triggers and most importantly help to establish a plan for weathering a crisis.

There are several different types of specialists who are trained to counsel individuals in talk therapy, but finding the right match can sometimes be the most difficult part.  This very intimate relationship needs to be feasible for both parties involved in order to get the best results.  There needs to be chemistry and a high level of trust present on both sides which has been extremely challenging for me, some of which I have talked about before and some of which I may never be able to talk about.

I have spent many restless nights before a therapy appointment wondering why I am wasting my time only to leave that said appointment the next day, scratching my head, thinking ‘wow, that really was a waste of time!’  But for the first time in almost four years I feel as though I may have finally found that person, a connection worthy of a restful night’s sleep (which I’m working on).  From my first appointment with her it just felt different this time, and, being different is in fact a good thing.  The role of a therapist is to have clear boundaries which are safe and focused and although having loved ones to confide in is very cathartic, they are not always the most objective or non-judgmental when it comes to certain aspects of our lives, especially in crisis.  With that being said, instead, their part in your recovery may  best be served as a guiding force, listening to you, inspiring you and cheering you on all the way to your next appointment!

http://give.camh.ca/site/TR/OBN/OneBraveNight?px=1156105&pg=personal&fr_id=1101

Is it fair to say that February is literally the worst month of the year?  It starts off with a visit from a furry little rodent named Punxsutawney Phil reminding us that winter is still far from over whether he sees his damn shadow or not.  Also, despite the fact that February is actually a few days shorter than the average month, it still feels the longest, especially when we spend half of it bitching about how cold and dreary it is outside.  Sure the first couple of snow falls of the season can seem magical, but by February they are just downright frightful.  All they do is cause disruption and chaos in our lives, and lets not forget the same disruption and chaos it causes our poor, innocent fur babies too.

February is also met by the worst part of the cold and flu season, which has delightfully been making its way through our home recently, like we haven’t suffered enough already?  The temperature can fluctuate in any given week from -30c to +8c, sometimes within hours, making it nearly impossible to dress appropriately on any given day.  And who by February isn’t sick and tired of wearing oversized sweaters, weighted down boots, bulky coats and always sporting a permanent look of hat head?

Then before you know it, it’s February 14th, Valentine’s Day, which is nothing more than a commercialized holiday meant to celebrate love and romance.  Single people yearning for love are hastily reminded of their failed attempts while leisurely strolling the aisles of any large retail chain store, their local drugstore, the grocery store or the neighbourhood mall just wanting to buy a few household necessities, but instead are flooded with boxes of heart-shaped chocolates and adorable, cuddly teddy bears sporting a t-shirt that reads “Be My Valentine”.  The holiday can no doubt feel just as overwhelming for people who are in a committed and loving relationship, many of whom often miss the signals given to them by their significant other only to quickly turn their well-intended efforts into something out of a Stephen King novel.

Getting through February can seem tiresome, monotonous and somewhat tedious for many people waking up to another somber day.  I myself have never been a big fan of winter, it quite frankly has little to no redeeming qualities, except maybe as a child when you woke up for school and your parents told you “it’s a snow day!”, although now as a parent myself, that excitement somehow gets lost in translation.  If it weren’t for my adoration for what in my opinion is the greatest Country in the world, I’d of found a new place to live a long time ago where sunshine and warmth are more predictable twelve months a year.

For many seemingly healthy individuals, February can often prompt feelings of depression and anxiety, and for me it simply intensifies them.  These feelings are more prevalent than society is willing to recognize, however there is an actual clinical diagnosis for it.  ‘Seasonal Affective Disorder’ or more commonly known as ‘S.A.D.’ is a mood disorder whereby an individual within a normal mental health range may begin to exhibit symptoms of hopelessness, thoughts of suicide, loss of interest in regular activities, sleep and appetite problems and a lack of concentration.  To be considered S.A.D., a person generally shows signs of irregular mood patterns during the winter months which usually begin to lift once the seasons start to change.

Seasonal Affective Disorder is typically caused by environmental disturbances such as our decline in activity during the winter months, the decrease in sunlight, or daylight hours, and just trying to survive the cold weather.  A commonly used and often valuable treatment for S.A.D. or depression in general during these taxing months is Light Therapy.  Light Therapy is an artificial light box which exposes you to bright lights and emulates natural outdoor light which is thought to alter your brain chemicals associated with mood and sleep.

I have tried Light Therapy during several counselling sessions (by now there isn’t much I haven’t tried) and it can be quite soothing.  Suffering with depression and anxiety feels like a dark shadow is always encircling me, one that allows for little to no light to radiate through. This could be the reason why I am very uncomfortable in darkness and always need to be surrounded by lightness both day and night, especially during the dismal days of winter.  Light Therapy is definitely worth investigating further, and if not, I always have a backup plan, a simple alternative may be trying what millions of other species do every winter, find a warm bed and enter into hibernation.

The pressures that we as a society are facing today are far greater than ever before and there is no sign that it slowing down anytime soon.  Statistics show that the increase in depression and anxiety are climbing in leaps and bounds, and with each new generation it is emerging in younger and younger peer groups.  So we have to ask ourselves then, what is causing this heightened growth in our mental instability and safety?

The answer to me is pretty simple, straightforward and even transparent.  Modern day life as we know it in the 21st Century is unequivocally hard and although many concerns we may face today in the world have always existed in some way or another, they are much more intensified nowadays due to the ever-changing technology and social media platforms, leaving more and more adolescents and adults alike with an overwhelming sense of hopelessness.  These platforms are also causing an increase in the disconnect from ourselves and our loved ones the more time we spend on them, often generating low self-esteem and discontentment.

We now live in a world where Social Media and Smartphones have allowed us the ability to reach 100’s if not 1000’s of people within minutes, letting our “friends” and “followers” know that we have just received a promotion from work, or that we are sipping margaritas on the beach in Jamaica, or maybe we have just welcomed a new addition to the family or sadly we have just lost a loved one.  Our willingness to post our most intimate moments in life can be met with a lot of mixed emotions.  We become excited to share our latest accomplishment in our life and eagerly await all the likes, shares and comments to come, but what if your expectations are not met?  Our excitement may soon turn to self-doubt or an immense feeling that maybe no-one really “likes” me since we have become a society that measures one’s popularity on how many thumbs up we receive.

Social Media platforms like Facebook and Instagram are certainly not the root of my illness, but they have most definitely sparked an increase of impaired and harmful emotions arousing a downward spiral for me some days.  These platforms have created somewhat of a catch-22 situation as I do appreciate how they have allowed me to reconnect with so many friends and family from my past, (some of whom have literally moved to the other side of the world) which would have been next to impossible to do without the power of social media.  It also allows me to still feel connected with those closest to me; it has given me an empowering voice to a cause very near and dear to me; it promotes a sense of belonging through a mix of social groups; it permits me to showcase my thoughts and creativity; it keeps me updated on news and entertainment, and it simply enables me to never forget your birthday again.

Over the past few years, but even more so over the last six months, I have had to limit my use of social media as it repeatedly leaves me very susceptible and vulnerable to feelings of loneliness, guilt, insecurity, worthlessness and despair.  Even though I have related to you all of the reasons why I value these platforms, they are, ironically, many of the same reasons why I devalue them, hence the catch-22.  Scrolling down my news feeds, whether on Instagram, Twitter or Facebook is quickly met with very alarming emotions especially relating to human interest stories or the political state of the world right now.  Commenting on other people’s news feeds causes me a great deal of anxiety, even as simple as a happy birthday message, and lastly, no matter what I am posting, whether its a new blog, a funny meme or a picture of me, I immediately suffer a very self-conscious and irresolute demeanor.

It is very easy to get caught up in the social media world, to get lost in it or to even become someone that you’re not, which is why I am trying to figure out its role in my life right now.  My emotional well-being and its impact on my mental health depend on it, because let’s face it; it’s not going anywhere anytime soon.  I know my triggers, I know my limitations and I know all the benefits it’s given me so “like” it or not,  I will somehow have to continue “following” and #trending along.

***Please Read to End***

In 2010 Bell Media began its impactful initiative called “Bell Let’s Talk” Day.  It is the largest corporate initiative in the country entirely focused on Mental Health and Wellness. Since its conception 8 years ago “Bell Let’s Talk” has raised millions of dollars for institutions and organizations across the country along with the aid of some government and corporations that have joined forces with Bell Media.  Its mantra is dedicated to moving the stigma around mental illness forward by promoting awareness and taking action through its four pillars; workplace health, research, access & care and anti-stigma.

As most of you know by now, many people struggling from a mental illness often suffer in silence for fear of being judged or ostracized.  They are afraid to seek help for fear that their friend, their boss or even their spouse may find out that they are suffering.  Bell Media decided 8 years ago that it was time for people to start talking and took their vision and resources to build a day entirely dedicated to opening up this very important conversation.  This was a very bold move given that at the time society wasn’t yet ready to talk.

Since its conception, “Bell Let’s Talk” Day quickly grew to celebrity status, literally.  Well known celebrity figures from across Canada jumped on board to share their own personal stories of living with a mental illness.  Six time Olympic medalist Clara Hughes became the first official spokesperson to join forces with Bell Media and open up the much overdue dialogue.   Before long many more familiar faces were standing behind Clara Hughes and taking action by starting their own conversations.  Michael Landsberg, a very well-known Canadian Sports Broadcaster has said that speaking publicly about his ongoing battle with depression is probably his biggest accomplishment and has since begun his own movement called #sicknotweak. He does a daily vlog which I listen to everyday where he discusses his struggles and assures us that suffering from a mental illness does not makes us weak.  Lastly, and probably the most famous face of “Bell Let’s Talk” is Howie Mandel.  He has been very open about his struggles with Mental Illness and continues to do so through an international stage.

This year on January 31st, “Bell Let’s Talk” has decided to take their initiative one step further in ending the stigma surrounding Mental Illness as they travelled the country interviewing a multitude of everyday individuals suffering and sharing their own stories.  Stories like these will ensure their goal becomes even more attainable with the help of Dr. Heather Stuart, the Bell Mental Health and Anti-Stigma Research Chair at Queen’s University who developed 5 simple methods to strive towards going ahead.  Her list is straightforward and uncomplicated, acknowledging that “language matters- pay attention to the words you use about Mental Health”; “educate yourself – learn, know and talk more, understand the signs”; “Be kind – small acts of kindness speaks a lot”, Listen and ask – sometimes it’s best to just listen”; and lastly, “Talk about it – start a dialogue, break the silence”.

Through my writing over the past year I have urged the importance of using these 5 simple techniques in order to break the stigma and even though it’s going to take a lot more than one day per year being dedicated to this action, it is definitely awakening our nation and beyond.  Each year on “Bell Let’s Talk” Day they have taken the social media world by storm by donating 5 cents to Canadian Mental Health programs each time you text or call someone on a Bell network, each time you tweet the hashtag #BellLetsTalk or view their “Bell Let’s Talk” video on Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat and Instagram.  They will also donate 5 cents for anyone who changes their profile picture on Facebook to incorporate their “Bell Let’s Talk” frame.

You may think how will my 5 cents, 10 cents or even 50 cents help?  Well just like the saying goes, “every vote counts”, it truly will, as it is embarking on attaining its goal of raising 100 million dollars within the next few years, and just as importantly people are starting more and more conversations across the nation and beyond.  Are you ready to join the conversation?