*WARNING: SENSITIVE CONTENT*
This past week has been very difficult, exhausting and complicated. Some of which I will open up about today, but much of what happened this past week is still too painful to talk about right now. It has been a week filled with so many mixed emotions especially feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. I have spent this week working through my quandary with some much needed (and involuntarily) additional support in order to help me through.
My week began with a severe panic attack, it did not happen in the comfort of my own home or in a busy public place, but instead it occurred in my car while I was driving. It has been two years since I had to stop driving at night due to my anxiety and issues with my eyesight (thanks to all the concoctions of medication I had been on), but over the last while I have felt my ability to drive at all has been hindered as well. My judgement while behind the wheel has become obstructed by fear, uneasiness and panic. I had always considered myself to be a pretty adept and confident driver but recently all that has changed, leaving me feeling even more hopeless and helpless inside and out.
The following day after my panic attack I needed to drive my husband home from a procedure he was having (he is okay!). My anxiety began building up before dawn and the only way I was going to get through the morning was by ensuring I took an extra dose of some CBD oil. The car ride home was especially quiet as I had just experienced another episode moments earlier. When we finally arrived home (safe and sound) my husband was clearly concerned and unsettled. He proceeded to articulate his apprehension towards me driving right now and in his own witty and sarcastic way he expressed how we would have been better off letting him drive home while still under the effects of sedation.
My illness has left me feeling defeated and powerless on more occasions than I can count which is why I am now left believing that I am beyond helpless. Helplessness is defined as someone who is deprived of strength or power, unable to help one self, leaving them feeling weak, incapacitated and unfit to manage independently. These feelings have significantly interfered in my daily life over the course of my illness as well as my road to recovery, in turn creating some serious consequences. I am extremely frustrated and discouraged having lost all sense of self which has left me longing to just want to give up. I feel as though I have been banging my head against a brick wall for far too long and that all my efforts are futile.
I know that I have never shied away from trying new treatments or therapy, and that I have been given many tools along the way in order to assist me in identifying many of my triggers but still I am left with an overpowering sense of helplessness. I compare my illness to that of riding on a roller coaster, one with many ups and downs, twists and turns and one which leaves me feeling so out of control and most definitely helpless. I am so terrified and want to scream in order to get off the ride but it won’t stop, not on my own terms anyways.
My therapist has been working with me toward a common goal of ensuring I lose this feeling of helplessness. This goal in which she is hoping to achieve over the next little while will be done through Hypnotherapy, something she is clinically trained in. It is something I have never tried before and I am very nervous to do so but as I have stated above, I never shy away from any new therapy or treatment. Hypnotherapy is a guided hypnosis or a trance-like state of mind which focuses its attention completely inward to find natural resources deep within ourselves to help regain control or make necessary changes in our lives. Together we have worked on a list of areas that she deems imperative right now to concentrate on and SIX pages later I am set to try this next part of my journey. She has reassured me that it is very relaxing and that I will be in complete control. She has also promised me that I will not feel violated in any way or start quacking like a duck next time I hear my name called out.