Category: Anxiety

At Least It’s Not All In My Head

I’ve mentioned before that many studies show that there is a correlation between the level of inflammation in our body and Depression and that the higher the markers of inflammation are, the more likelihood that your body may reject antidepressants and lead to a diagnosis of “Treatment Resistant Depression”.
Throughout the last 5.5 years my doctor has had to keep an eye on my inflammation markers because they have often been at higher than normal levels and may just be what ultimately led to my diagnosis of “Treatment Resistant Depression”.
For those who missed my blog yesterday “The Physical Side Of Depression” (Nov. 21, 2019: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com), I mentioned how I have been experiencing a terrible amount of muscle/joint pain throughout my entire body over the last 5 or 6 weeks and a feeling of exhaustion much different than my regular feeling of exhaustion from lack of sleep which led my doctor to send me for a full body scan the other day. I received the results of that test yesterday afternoon and the good news for me was that the pain I’m feeling may actually not just be all in my head like my depression and anxiety want me to believe, but the bad news is I now need to have further tests done because the scan found high levels of that said inflammation in my wrists, my arms, my spine/lower back, my hips and my legs.
I’m feeling very overwhelmed right now thinking that “The Physical Side of Depression” may have led me to this point in my journey and that somehow I caused this to happen. I’m feeling exhausted just thinking about the possibility of learning to live with yet another so called “invisible illness” like Arthritis as that is what they are now looking further into. I’m feeling hopeless because what if my body rejects more medications and more treatments on top of all the ones it already has? To sum it all up, plain and simply I’m feeling defeated.
#itsoktonotbeok #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #chronicillness #youareenough #inflammation #invisibleillness
Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

The Physical Side Of Depression

I spent several hours yesterday having a bone imaging test done. Over the past 5 or 6 weeks I’ve been experiencing a terrible amount of muscle/joint pain throughout my entire body and it has been getting increasingly worse to the point where I decided (or was encouraged) last week to finally make an appointment to see my GP; something that I avoid doing at all costs as I find it very difficult to even just pick up the phone to make the call. Sadly, my depression and anxiety are constantly chattering back and forth in my head telling me that I am bothering her and making me feel guilty for bothering her which in all honesty I know is the furthest thing from the truth and that my doctor has been nothing but one of my greatest support systems since day one but it just gets too damn exhausting trying to argue with a warped sense of yourself all the time.

When you picture a person struggling with depression many individual’s first thoughts that may come to mind are that of someone who is sad, someone who isolates themselves or someone who sleeps a lot or not at all. What many individuals may not realize is how much depression also affects someone physically.

Throughout my journey I have been affected by my fair share of physical challenges, many of which have caused a limited ability to do everyday tasks and have also included countless visits to doctors and specialists, much of which were due to many of the medications I was taking and although I have recently started a new medication (see blog: Should I Or Shouldn’t I; Oct 30, 2019) these symptoms began several weeks earlier. However I have now been on my new medication for just over 2 weeks and the physical side effects have sometimes made it difficult to know what may be from the meds or not as the pain has become so unbearable some days and my new psychiatrist has decided to wait a few more weeks to increase my dose.

My depression and anxiety have become quite heightened over the last 6 weeks which I have mentioned, along with many (or most) of my senses have also become super heightened too (especially sounds and smells) and lets not forget to add in a spoonful of sudden hormonal changes as well and now the task at hand is to figure out if there is any correlation between them all.

Physical symptoms are very common in major depression and major depression can most definitely cause physical distress and long term physiological distress as well but for now my doctor is taking all the necessary precautions in order to rule out other causes of my pain first, something that any great support system would do!

Who are your greatest support systems?

#depression #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #youareenough #youarenotalone #endthestigmatogether

Being An Advocate Through Lived Experience

It’s no secret that I am extremely passionate about Mental Health and over the last few years I have become more and more vocal about it, however, I often feel like I’m a fraud, a fake or even an imposter. I mean how can I begin to make changes to the way in which mental illness is looked upon by so many if I don’t have a degree in Psychology (I do have one in Sociology though!) or how can I make others understand that mental illness does not discriminate against anyone if I don’t have a degree in Psychiatry, or how can I make someone feel safe enough to take off their mask and start a life changing conversation if I don’t have some other kind of degree in healthcare? Well I guess the simple answer is; I have something way more valuable to offer because I have lived experience.

I may not have figured out yet how to help myself, and I certainly don’t claim to have all the answers but being able to openly and honestly share my story knowing that someone out there feels less alone or that someone out there shows more compassion toward a loved one who is suffering with a mental illness or that someone out there no longer judges another person because of their mental illness then I am happy to be that poster child who can help advocate for change and help end the stigma surrounding mental illness.

Being able to connect with so many people (both young and old) during what has been the most challenging part of my life can be quite liberating and cathartic for me but often times after I share a blog or post something on Social Media is when I feel most like a fraud, a fake and an imposter. I mean how can I spread hope to others when I myself feel so hopeless or how can I tell someone their life is worth living when I don’t feel like mine is?

But when I am able to calm the anxiety and negative self-talk down a level or two and realize that I don’t need to be “better” or “cured” or “recovered” to help someone else feel less alone or to support them or their loved ones along their journey or to feel empathy and compassion toward others who feel just as hopeless or worthless as me because we share that mutual understanding and bond that goes beyond what any textbook can give us.

Our lived experiences may all be unique to each one of us but having the strength to share our stories together can make the greatest impact of all!

World Kindness Day

It’s #WorldKindnessDay. Take a moment today and reflect upon the simple acts of kindness that you have experienced in your lifetime. How did it change your day, what did it mean to you or how has it shaped your life? We can all spread kindness and compassion. Celebrate today by spreading that kindness and compassion onto someone else, and don’t forget to leave some for yourself too because a simple act of kindness can go a very long way! What does kindness mean to you? #kindness #kindnessmatters #bekind #selflove #payitforward

“The Spoon Theory” How Many Spoons Do You Use In A Day?

I recently read an article describing what it feels like to be sick with a chronic illness and whether or not it’s a mental or physical disability (or both), most days we need an army of spoons just to get through. The “Spoon Theory” is simply a metaphor which was created by a woman by the name of Christine Miserandino who suffers from Lupus and one night while enjoying a dinner out with a friend she was caught off guard when her friend asked her what it truly felt like to be sick.

It is so difficult to really grasp a true understanding of what a person battling any mental or physical illness feels and as much as I try to help others understand, it’s really hard to lay out every detail and emotion of every single day. But using a handful of spoons (or any other cold metal object) could actually do the trick! You see, a healthy mind and body start off each morning with endless possibilities, they don’t need to think about how their actions or routines are going to affect their day like that of someone with a mental and/or physical disability would. This is where the spoons come into play!

As a healthy person holds the bouquet of spoons in their hand they never quite give a second thought as to how many spoons they will need in order to get through their day but when you are battling a physical and/or mental illness those spoons become your lifeline. When Christine handed her friend the arrangement of spoons and told her to count them one by one and to be conscious of how many she was holding in her hand, but more importantly to be very careful not to drop any of them as they are sacred to a person who is sick. Her friend did as she was told and counted them one by one but was disappointed to discover that she only had twelve all together and proceeded to ask for more. Christine laughed at her and explained that she wished she could find a way to have more than twelve spoons to hold on to most days.

These spoons are by no means a crutch, an excuse or a way to obtain sympathy but more so they are a means to an end. Each and every day I (and countless others) wake up and are immediately faced with challenges as well as many sacrifices and I can probably speak for those of us who face physical and/or mental struggles daily that we would give anything to not have to be faced with these internal/external struggles in order to keep going.

Now I’m gonna ask you to take a moment and think about your day to day routines, chores and leisure activities you do and as Christine told her friend, don’t leave anything out even if you think or it may seem so simple or mundane because they are not so simple and mundane for me. Just by opening my eyes each morning I have already lost my first spoon of the day because I can’t just jump out of bed to start my day. For starters, I have barely slept, I don’t want to get out of bed and then the anxiety, exhaustion and guilt begin to unravel the rest of my day and slowly take away a spoon at a time.

The energy it takes to physically get out of bed, to shower, to prepare a meal, to get dressed, to get to work or to go to school for many people struggling with a mental/physical disability can be so challenging that they have already lost six spoons before even leaving the house in the morning. And then there are the days where it’s still early in the evening and you only have one spoon left and have to make choices and sacrifices in order to make it right up until bedtime. Sometimes you may need to borrow a spoon or two from tomorrow just to get through today but then you run the risk of feeling even more depleted tomorrow.

I hate feeling like I always have to make choices and sacrifices that can often affect other people around me but when I’m faced with losing that very last spoon I have to in order to keep a reserve of spoons for days ahead and it’s especially important to have that reserve in order to do the things I can with the people I want holding my “spoons” the most.

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

The Verdict Is In

Believe it or not this has been one of the most difficult decisions I’ve made throughout my journey thus far. In case you missed my recent blog “Should I Or Shouldn’t I?” (https://youareenough712.wordpress.com; Oct 30, 2019) the verdict is in and now I lay in wait. #inneedofsomegoodvibes #hardestpilltoswallow #battlingmyinnervoice #waitinggame #scared #fears #noshame #honesty #courage #justanotherdayinmylife #onelasttry #neversaynever #antidepressants #ichooseme #heregoesnothing #herewegoagain #itsoktonotbeok #nomask #endthestigmatogether #treatmentresistantdepression #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #suicide #ideations #whatif #startaconversation #selfcare #dontsufferinsilence #youareenough #youmatter #youarenotalone #yourmentalhealthmatters #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness

Ignorance Is Not Always Bliss

Since publishing my book I have been embraced with the most incredible, encouraging and positive accolades. I’ve had people tell me how brave I was for writing my book, how helpful a resource it is for parents, teachers and children alike, how important a conversation I’ve started, how much the book speaks to them and countless other thank you’s. But this weekend I was quickly reminded just how much work is still left to be done in order to end the stigma surrounding mental illness.

Today I spent part of my day at a local library engaging in many important conversations about my book and Mental Health in general and then it happened, not once but twice. First an elderly gentleman in his 70’s approached me and wanted to have a peek at my book. He stood reading it as I continued my conversation with someone else. When he finished looking at it he interrupted my conversation to tell me that using the word Depression in a children’s book is wrong and inappropriate. He continued to say that I should have described mom as sad instead. I began to explain to the gentleman in terms that his ignorant mind could understand what the difference between sadness and depression are and thanked him for reminding me why I continue to fight to end the stigma. The woman whom I had been speaking with at the time cheered me on from the sidelines.

But sadly only moments later I found myself all alone and having to answer to similar criticism or as I like to put it, ignorance. This time a gentleman with two young boys ages 5 and 7 came up to me. His accent at first was quite difficult for me to comprehend him but trust me I heard his message loud and clear. He asked me if I was familiar with the children’s book series “Captain Underpants” and other similar books and then proceeded to tell me that children should only be allowed to read funny books like “Captain Underpants”.

Everyone is welcome to have their own opinions and I will never judge someone because we don’t share the same opinion, heck isn’t that what makes the world go round? But today left me feeling quite sad, quite angry and quite shook up by these two conversations in particular. They have left me in an even more vulnerable state than I’ve already been in recently. I know that my book may not be for everyone and that’s okay but today I feel defeated and left doubting myself just a little bit more and I don’t really know why I am even giving up space in my head for these two individuals when I should probably have held up a sign telling them SORRY, NO VACANCY! And then maybe said a little prayer for their families…

#endthestigmatogether #youareenough #startaconversation #itsoktonotbeok #timeforchange #youareenough #thisisreallife #ignoranceisbliss #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #wheredidmommyssmilego

Should I Or Shouldn’t I?

As most of you who have been following my journey know, I gave up on medication several years ago after being diagnosed with Treatment Resistant Depression. I struggled for close to 3 years with trying to find the right concoction of medication that could help lift my mood and keep my anxiety to a minimum.

I experienced severe side effects from trying over 20 medications (sometimes 3 to 4 at one time) which led to a tremendous amount of physical health challenges and many additional mental health issues too. I had enough and so did my husband. Throughout the last few years since coming off my medications I have continued desperately to find other kinds of treatment that would hopefully do what the medications were unable to do and without having to endure any additional and sometimes quite serious side effects that they were causing.

I don’t think anyone can say I didn’t try hard enough except that is for my inner voice that keeps telling me every day that I haven’t tried hard enough, that I should have tried harder, that I need to try harder. It’s that same inner voice that agreed to go see one of the top psychiatrists in the city when I was presented with the opportunity recently.

I have not been to a psychiatrist in a couple of years mainly because after my wonderful psychiatrist left the province I never found anyone who seemed to be truly invested in my recovery which is what led me to find other avenues myself most of which have not been very successful to say the least.

As I have mentioned over the last few weeks my symptoms of depression and anxiety have become amplified to an all time high. I have been battling with more panic attacks and worsening anxiety than ever before along with very intense suicidal ideations which is why when I was presented with this opportunity by someone who may not know me well but is just as invested in my journey wanted to help make this connection happen quickly and from the kindness of her heart.

I am beyond grateful that so many people have not given up on me and go to great lengths to ensure that I don’t give up on me either. I have already met with the new doctor a couple of times in the last couple of weeks and we have discussed with both me and my husband many avenues we can take from here and in the near future. One such avenue is of course medication.

He is well aware now of my history with medication (and my GP sent him the endless list of the ones I’ve already tried) and he is definitely aware of my fear of even thinking about trying one more. He discussed one in particular with me today that he feels could be worth being that one more try. He talked about it’s benefits compared to many others I’ve been on before, we talked about the side effects that terrify me and he gave me handouts on it and wrote me a script which he said if I decide to try it he will monitor me every step of the way and that he will increase it at a snail’s pace for me.

So what do I have to lose at this point? Should I or shouldn’t I?

#mentalwellness #mentalhealth #youmatter #itsoktonotbeok #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #suicide #ideations #youareenough #medication #antidepressants

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

Learning To Survive – Empowering Children

LEARNING TO SURVIVE – EMPOWERING CHILDREN

Today was very overwhelming and undeniably emotional for me but today was above all, empowering. Listening to a panel of experts speak along with several young adults from the community share their stories about resilience and their mental health journeys felt empowering. Seeing an audience of several hundred people come together for one common purpose and with one common goal in mind was truly empowering.

Today I met some fucking incredible people and I learned many valuable tools and many more staggering statistics. I also learned that life is not all about winning, but more importantly it’s about learning to survive that matters. The symposium focused on how we as a society can help to empower our children and youth today as these statistics continue to rise and what we can do to help make this happen both at home and in the classroom.

There is a lot of debate about how early is too early to talk about mental health at home or in school and I could see today that everyone in attendance was in agreeance that we need to start talking about it from as early on as Pre-K. I certainly can’t argue with that and I have even written a children’s book now to prove it.

It’s not that anyone is asking teachers of young children to stand up in front of their class and start giving a powerpoint lecture on the psychology of the human brain, instead it’s about introducing ways for them to understand that they have mental health. It’s about teaching children the “culture of caring” by checking in on students regularly to ensure that they are okay, giving a friendly hello or high five as they pass them in the hall at lunchtime, it’s about finding a connection between each student and their teacher and it’s about making them feel safe so they can share their thoughts and feelings.

Starting to engage children more in mental health and wellness practices at a young age in school can be easily done through art, through music, through sport, through drama and through physical fitness as well. It may mean putting aside a geometry lesson for today in order to practice some mindfulness exercises or spending a bit more time on an art project which could give them better coping strategies, allow them to express their feelings better or help them to build better communication skills.

These activities and lessons should be front and centre in our school curriculums today and to be just as much of a priority as math and english are and I don’t just mean in Pre-K, but all throughout their formative years. Teachers are not meant to be therapists but by practicing many of these skill sets with their students will make them a better role model to their students and help more children thrive, help more children to erase the stigma for the next generation, help more students to become better equipped to understand that it’s ok to fail; in fact it’s imperative that they do so many, many times and hopefully this will help more of our youth and young adults left feeling more empowered than ever before.

Engagement Post

Make time to take care of YOU this weekend. What will your Self-Care include? #takecareofyourself #selfcare #selflove #ichooseme #bekindtoyourself #youareenough #youmatter #mentalwellness 💜💙❤💖🧡💚💛