I’m in a pretty real funk. It’s probably safe to say that I’ve been in a funk for the better part of six years now but to be honest for the last two months I have felt more and more like my illness is beating me as opposed to me beating it. I feel defeated from the moment I wake up and I feel very little incentive to get out of bed; and it’s not because I’m lazy, it’s because I’m depressed and my depression wears a mask just like many others who suffer.
Depression creates a vicious cycle and for anyone who has ever suffered with Depression they will totally appreciate what I am saying because I want so much to thrive, I want so much to complete a simple task without it depleting me both mentally and physically, I want so much to work, I want so much to be more independent, I want so much to feel needed, I want so much to feel like I am more than just a burden to my loved ones and I want so much to feel like my life is worth living.
Yes Depression makes me feel all those things and keeps me from thriving and doing simple tasks. It keeps me feeling like I don’t want to do anything at all and that I need to do everything all at once and then of course I beat myself up further which clearly only makes matters worse. But much of what I do or can’t do is not by choice even if some may believe otherwise, but I am truly not lazy; now laziness, now that’s a choice!
I wish that my illness was just a passing phase of feeling unmotivated to wash a few dirty dishes in the sink or to be able to drive myself to the grocery store whenever I need to but I don’t have the ability to do many simple tasks most people take for granted.
And the vicious cycle continues because if I was just lazy and not depressed then I wouldn’t have to live each day feeling like a complete failure for not washing a few dishes, I wouldn’t have to live each day feeling guilty for not driving myself to the store to pick up a few groceries and I would not have to live each day criticizing myself for all that I can’t do instead of gently reminding myself of all the things I do and can do.
Today is a Statutory holiday in Ontario called Family Day. It is also celebrated in several other Provinces throughout Canada as well, but not all. It only became a holiday here in Ontario in 2008 but has been recognized in Alberta since 1990 and is a basic reminder to everyone to make time to spend with your family and to reflect on the importance of family values.
The definition of what a family is can be quite complicated and debated. There is no right or wrong answer as to how you define family and it’s more about what you make of it or what works for you. Family is not always 2 people who are related by blood or through marriage.
My definition of family has changed a lot, especially over the last 6 years of my illness. I have learned so much about myself and others and what I want and don’t need most of all in my life to help me thrive and evolve.
Family to me is anyone who loves you unconditionally and supports you even when it’s not always so easy. Family means accepting one another; flaws and all, helping each other to flourish and grow, celebrating victories, wiping away tears and making one another laugh through those tears.
But not everyone is as blessed to have people in their lives (blood related or not) who define family which is why today is such an important reminder to show kindness to everyone you meet because no matter how you define family we all deserve to matter.
Rich and I have been hit with some pretty bad blows over the last several years and this week has been no exception. I’m not gonna share right now just how bad a week it’s actually been but trust me when I tell you it’s been pretty f*@#ing bad.
When it feels like the walls are closing in around me my illness leaves me questioning everything, it leaves me unable to breathe, it leaves me overwhelmed and vulnerable, it leaves me hesitant and indecisive and it leaves me in tears which are oftentimes over the simplest and silliest of things. Crying is a natural response to all kinds of emotions and can be quite soothing and calming as well as quite necessary. My emotions are running very high right now and shedding a few tears when needed definitely helps to release some stress.
Yesterday afternoon is one of several examples of this and a perfect example of just how emotional I am. Rich and I were out running some errands with one of our daughters in a very busy store when I suddenly (and I truly mean it when I say suddenly) became hesitant, vulnerable, indecisive and overwhelmed over the simplest and silliest of things and before I knew it, and before Rich could run and hide from the crazy lady in aisle 5 (that’s me in case you weren’t sure), the tears began streaming down my face and customers began staring (and trust me it’s not even close to the first time this has happened). Luckily my daughter was already 2 aisles ahead!
Although on one hand it felt like an eternity in that moment but once I gained my composure I was able to continue on I felt a sense of calm. Afterall, crying produces endorphins which are better known as “the feel good” hormone so you see it’s alright to cry and as I said above, it can be quite calming, self-soothing and often necessary.
Trying to keep a sense of humour when life kicks you in the ass sometimes certainly can also help ease the blow somehow too because laughter and tears both have so many healthy and powerful benefits! (see pic of Rich)
Oh and through all the tears I’ve shed this week, I could have smoked, I wanted to smoke, I needed to smoke but I did not smoke. And by the way, how long is it til 2021?
Tomorrow will be exactly 1 month (Jan 14, 2020) since I quit smoking (time sure flies when you’re having fun!). That’s over 300 cigarettes I haven’t smoked, that’s nearly 250 dollars I’ve saved and that’s a whole lot of Self-Love! Having the ability to feel Self-Love is something I struggle with daily as you’ve probably noticed by now.
To feel Self-Love takes a lot of ongoing and continual upkeep of a person’s body, mind and soul in order to help maintain a more fulfilling life. Simply put, it’s not something money can buy you because Self-Love isn’t a feeling of instant gratification you desire in order to fulfill a pleasure in the here and now.
Well seeing as tomorrow just so happens to also be Valentine’s Day maybe it’s a sign from Cupid, maybe he is willing to guide me toward true Self-Love but maybe in the meantime he can guide me toward some of that instant gratification! Afterall, 30 days smoke free surely deserves a gift in the here and now too; wouldn’t you agree? ❤💖🛍💍👡
Twenty five years ago (give or take) I received a gift which I have held onto all these years later. It was a book called “All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten”, written by Robert Fulghum. When I was given the book I was just beginning a new career path (one of many regrets I have) and I was also a newlywed (25 years this spring!) and the book was a perfect celebration of both events even if at the time I didn’t know just how significant this book would truly be to my life.
As a child we are taught very simple yet very valuable rules but by the time we become an adult we often think we know better and seem to forget the importance of these rules somewhere along the way. But these rules continue to follow us along our journey well into adulthood and in one way or another they will be tested and they will be a constant reminder to us through our failures, our tribulations, our practices and even through our triumphs and successes.
If only we continued to embrace the world around us as we once did in Kindergarten with optimism, adventure and like there ain’t nothing that’s gonna stand in the way of our dreams then maybe by the time we reach adulthood we could appreciate or be bold enough to practice some, if not all of Fulghum’s very important lessons he mentions in his book starting with learning to live our best life by ensuring we create a well balanced life. That means we need to “learn some and drink some and draw some and paint some and sing and dance and play and work everyday some.”
I know I feel like I lost my way sometime after I reached adulthood and I would give just about anything right now to be able to live a well balanced life by adhering to the same simple rules for which we teach our children to in Kindergarten. For far too long now I have been playing an adult version of Hide-and-Seek which Fulghum describes as “Wanting to hide. Needing to be sought. Confused about being found.” A perfect metaphor for where I am in my life and that maybe, had I learned back in Kindergarten that it was okay to colour outside of the lines or that it was okay to colour the sky pink or the grass purple I may have been better prepared for what lay ahead. But for now I am slowly learning to embrace a life where “warm cookies and cold milk are good for you” and that taking a nap is all part of good mental health.
No-one can really know for sure what their future holds but this book can encourage us and teach us that no matter what we do or where we end up in our life we must hold on tight to our creativity, we must be open to exploring new boundaries, we must grasp our arms tightly around our imperfections and we must remember how important it is to step outside of our comfort zone in order to live a well balanced life. And we must also never forget that we are not alone and that “when you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together!”
***Read the book if you haven’t already and read it again if you already have!
Last week was a pretty damn crappy one. I experienced some of the most difficult and trying days for me and without so much of the incredible support in my life I wouldn’t have made it through. I was reminded the other day of a blog I wrote over 3 years ago called “Make Your Bed”. It is one of the very first blogs I ever wrote and to this day is still one of my favorites. I thought since many of you probably didn’t see it the first time around and even if you did originally read it, we could all still use some good ole fashioned motivation before we start the new week ahead. I also highly recommend you watch the video too; it actually inspired my kids to start making their beds every morning!
Recently I watched a commencement speech given by Admiral William H. McRaven, a retired U.S Navy Seal, in 2014 to the graduating class at the University of Texas. I was so intrigued listening to his speech which recounted 10 lessons he learned from his 6 months of grueling, demanding, tiring and debilitating Navy Seal training. These 10 lessons not only apply to life as a Navy Seal, but it equally applies to the challenges that each and every one of us endure as human beings living in an uncertain world.
After giving his speech in 2014, which went viral, Admiral William H. McRaven decided that he still had so much more to share with the world from his 37 year career as a U.S Navy Seal (which included the capturing of Saddam Hussein). He felt a responsibility to expand on how those 10 simple lessons helped shape his life and did so by publishing a book a few months ago titled “Make Your Bed”. It is a small but extremely powerful, compassionate and optimistic book that I was able to read with ease. It is subtitled “Little Things That Can Change Your Life…And Maybe The World”. That for me was what caught my eye as I am always looking for inspirational and relevant words that pertain to my life.
Each of the 10 chapters recounts stories of perseverance, suffering, determination, courage and humbleness. Even through all of the hardships he endured, he still finds a way to motivate and captivate his readers with his knowledge and experience. He reminds us that life is not meant to be attempted alone, that we all need a strong team behind us, cheering us on and picking up the slack when times get tough. He teaches us the importance of respect and to never ever caste judgement on others. He conveys to us that life is not always fair and that sometimes bad things do happen to good people. He proves to us that failure IS an option and it will only help build character and strength. He shows us that we all must take risks in order to get through the toughest obstacles that may be standing in our way. He tells us to never back down from our fears, that it is better to face them straight on in order to find the courage to move forward. He emphasizes that no matter what darkness may be thrown our way at some point in our lives, and it will, make sure to find the hopefulness and power within us to never ever give up.
The title “Make Your Bed” which is in turn, the first chapter of the book is also the foundation for which all the other chapters are built on. How many times as a child did your parents tell you to make your bed, and how many times as a parent yourself have you mimicked those words to your own children. My kids can attest to this as I am constantly bugging them to complete this task, but I am continually let down in my efforts.
The Admiral drills into his reader’s heads how important it is to accomplish this task, no matter how small or senseless it may seem to many it can actually change the way you approach your day. He believes that if you want to change your life or conquer the world, it starts by completing this task first thing every morning, igniting a positive tone for what challenges may be thrown your way that day. It helps lay to rest the struggles you may have encountered the day before, giving you fresh opportunities to face another day productively and ensure you complete many more tasks throughout your day. As silly as it may seem, developing this good habit can also help reduce your stress level and de-clutter your mind, as when you walk into your room with a well made bed the aura of cleanliness will always make you smile and not to mention the satisfaction you feel when you get back into your tidy bed at the end of the day. Lastly, by completing this simple task at the start of every day can help to reinforce the importance that its the little things in life that truly matter and who in this world doesn’t need a healthy dose of that. I for one do, and from now on, the start of every day (whatever time that may be), I will be completing this task, maybe with hospital corners and all…and maybe just maybe, it will inspire my kids to follow…ya right, who am I kidding?
*I encourage everyone to watch Admiral William H. McRaven’s commencement speech on YouTube…or read his book!*
A year ago today (it came up on my memory wall) I told you about a chronic recurrent skin condition that I have been battling with for about 3 years now (see blog; Antibiotics: To Take Or Not To Take). Its name is as painful to pronounce as the condition itself and when a flair up occurs it is beyond debilitating.
Last summer I went to see a specialist who happens to be the only one of her kind in the city who specializes in Hidradenitis Suppurativa (HS for short). Months prior to seeing the specialist I had been put on an antibiotic indefinitely which I was not comfortable with but it seemed like the only solution until my appointment with the specialist.
Once I finally met with the specialist she then prescribed me yet another medication that she said would be more tolerable as a long term option. We discussed future treatments in case the medication didn’t work, treatments which could include surgery or a very well known drug which treats many autoimmune diseases that would need to be injected into my body weekly for the rest of my life.
As you can well imagine, none of her options sounded too appealing to me. We also had a very candid discussion about many of the underlying causes behind this chronic (and basically) non- curable condition. Included in that list of causes are inflammation in the body and mood disorders, both of which have been the bane of my existence for almost 6 years now. It is also very likely to affect people (this condition in general affects more women than men) who are overweight and who smoke. Well lucky me, I was basically 4 for 4.
I have another follow up appointment in a couple of months but I have not had a single flair up in 2 months since I began my quest to find all natural remedies for my Fibromyalgia and Osteoarthritis symptoms. I have lost weight and quit smoking in that same 2 month period and I am living pain free as well; all thanks to a couple of scoops of magic each and every day. And the best part is I don’t need to take medication anymore to keep the flair ups at bay.
There may be no cure for HS or many of the other daily issues that consume my life but for now I am grateful to have found these products that are helping me focus on finding my way towards living my best life both mentally and physically.
The other night I cracked open a can of diet coke from the fridge. It had been well over a week since I’d even had the urge to do so and I actually felt the back of my throat start to burn as I drank it. Just 2 short months ago I literally drank diet coke for breakfast, lunch, dinner and as a midnight snack; I mean if I could have taken it intravenously I would have but now thanks to the delicious cup of hot cocoa (which also comes in coffee) I’ve been drinking every morning for almost 2 months my craving, my desire, my need, my want for diet coke is completely gone. I’m even starting to believe that this magic cup of hot chocolate may be the reason that I wanted to quit smoking too! Can you imagine how the back of my throat would feel today inhaling a cigarette, 21 days smoke-free!
Today I’m having a particularly hard day. I can’t say that there’s been one thing in particular that has made the start of the new week so hard for me but often when someone is suffering with Depression and Anxiety there doesn’t have to be a good reason, it just is. I probably experienced every negative emotion known to mankind before noon-time today and cried at least three times before then as well.
I wasn’t sure I was gonna make it past noon today with so many overwhelmingly negative and unwanted thoughts going on inside my head causing me a great amount of fear, guilt, anger and sadness to erupt all at once so I sure as hell was grateful that I had an appointment already scheduled to see my therapist this afternoon.
Over the course of my illness there has been one constant in my journey and that is therapy. It has not always been good therapy and some of it has left me shaking my head in shock and anger and some has just been downright awful but through a lot of trial and error I finally found the perfect balance for me a couple of years ago and my lifesaver. I’m not ashamed to tell people I go to therapy (well that’s probably quite obvious by now seeing as I divulge every intimate thought and feeling to you!) and it makes me feel sad when some people are reluctant to see a Therapist or make excuses as to why they can’t see one because whether it’s going to see a Therapist, a Counsellor, a Life Coach, a Social Worker, a Psychologist or a Psychiatrist when you are feeling overwhelmed or sad should be just as normal as going to see your Doctor when you have the flu!
I know that therapy can be very expensive if not covered by OHIP (in Canada) or an insurance plan (if you even have one) and we all know that there can be long wait lists for OHIP covered Therapists and Doctors however there are still plenty of places to start if you need help right away including Distress and Crisis Helplines and Hospital ER’s. I have found myself in many Emergency Rooms, too many times now that I’ve stopped counting, but during several of those visits I have been given access to free community-based group and individual programs and sometimes I was also placed in one on one care with a Counsellor who work with outpatients.
It’s not always easy to talk to a loved one or confidant about what you are feeling and very often when a situation is bigger than you then you may need an outsider to listen to you who can advise you from a non-judgmental place and with an unbiased perspective. A therapist et al can help to validate your experience and not make you and your problems feel unworthy while being in a safe place to process your thoughts. They will give you different tools for working through difficult situations, allowing room for your personal growth, teach you coping skills, give you insight and model for you what healthy boundaries and healthy relationships should be and sometimes just being able to say things out loud can help you understand your thoughts and feelings in a whole new way.
Until 5 years and 10 months ago I had never been to a Therapist; I never felt that I needed to but now I look at therapy or life-coaching from a totally different lens and I truly believe that at some point or another in every person’s life that seeking the guidance of a professional for a little extra emotional support could really help keep us balanced. We all go through ups and downs in our lifetime and we could all use some tweaking from time to time and there ain’t no shame in that! Oh and by the way, no matter how hard today has been for me I did not smoke!!
If you or someone you know needs immediate help start here or go to your closest emergency room:
YouAreEnough 
You must be logged in to post a comment.