Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.
If you are a hockey fan, especially a Montreal Canadiens one then the news that broke about a month ago that their beloved goalie Carey Price was taking a leave of absence from his team to enter into the NHL’s “Player Assistance Program” probably came as quite a shock.
Yesterday, Carey broke his silence by releasing a statement to both the Media and his fans on Instagram, giving an honest update on his recovery.
He told them that in early October he had entered a residential treatment facility for substance abuse which is where he stayed for a month and then bravely admitted that “over the last few years I have let myself get to a very dark place and didn’t have the tools to cope with that struggle.”
Asking for help or admitting that you need help when struggling with a mental illness is possibly the most difficult step towards facing one’s fears and being able to begin the healing process for anyone but sadly it is even more so for men; and to further add to that, men like Carey Price who are looked upon by so many as a Superhero.
But Carey has shown the world what a true Superhero looks like by proving that no matter who you are, your greatest superpower is allowing others to see that it’s okay to not be okay and that asking for help or admitting you need help is not a sign of weakness. In fact, it takes great strength and courage. Both are qualities that no one should EVER be ashamed of.
Carey further states to the Media and on his Instagram post that he is continuing to work on his mental health “which will take some time to repair. All I can do is take it day by day. With that comes some uncertainty with when I will return to play.”
That last line also probably came as quite a shock to many of his fans and Media. But as someone who has been battling a mental illness for more than seven years now I can tell you that it doesn’t work that way. Just because Carey took a month off to focus on his mental health, (something he also admitted in his press release to neglecting for many years) and spent a month in a treatment facility does not mean that he’s suddenly all better and ready to get back in the net.
Having a mental illness is not something that people battling one can necessarily just “get over” in a month’s time or “snap out of”, even if you are a “Superhero”.
Carey Price is a true leader for change and I have no doubt that once he is well enough to return to his teammates (which seem to need him more than ever before 😊), he is going to be unstoppable both on and off the ice and I can’t wait to see where his superpowers take him next.
Jacob came home from Israel last night having had the most meaningful experience of his life to date.
He was baring gifts for us.
His gift to me and my girls was very symbolic of his experience and truly meaningful to me.
Over the past few years I have found a sense of spirituality in my journey. Not in a religious way though.
For me, finding a sense of spirituality has afforded me the opportunity to live in a place with greater compassion, beliefs, values and purpose.
The Hamsa hand is a symbol of spirituality and has an abundance of meaning.
It is said that by wearing a Hamsa hand downward around your neck it is inviting goodness into your life and is believed to attract hope. It is also believed to protect your heart from sadness and negative energy and instead bring the wearer happiness, health, luck, strength and good fortune.
Yesterday was picture perfect. I hiked, I ate cake, I spent time with loved ones and I got to celebrate my person’s special day. Nothing could be better.
But with each passing hour, even during the many joyful moments I still kept thinking to myself, when will the day end so that I can finally crawl into bed, under my weighted blanket.
It makes no sense I know.
Why would I want such a picture perfect day with so many joyful moments in it to ever end?
Why would I want to crawl into bed so badly every night knowing that is where my anxiety soars to panic most often and my depression becomes exasperated by thoughts of suicide?
It was a picture perfect day yesterday that’s for sure and I experienced so many joyful moments, especially seeing the look of pure joy and happiness on Rich’s face throughout the entire day and evening.
It’s all I ever want for him and especially yesterday. It’s been a really rough few months…
So I don’t really have an answer for you as to why I spend my days wishing them away and waiting for that moment when it finally feels acceptable to crawl back into bed.
Oh right, I almost forgot, it’s called Depression.
When battling Depression the days can feel very long, but the nights often feel even longer, yet for some unexplainable reason it’s where I feel most comfortable being, even on the many nights like last night when I finally got into bed, beyond exhausted and unable to sleep and almost immediately I began to have a panic attack. I couldn’t breathe or catch my breath. I felt unsafe, I felt restless and scared and even after taking something to help me sleep, I slept less than an hour.
It certainly doesn’t help that today is literally the longest day of the year and the hours are figuratively creeping by ever so slowly as I sit here wishing away the time until I can finally crawl back into bed again, curl up under my weighted blanket and watch my Sunday night trash TV.
Some highlights from our #summerofrich “Birthday Edition” yesterday.
We couldn’t have asked for a more perfect Fall day in November as we hiked for 3 grueling hours up and down some pretty steep and rocky terrain along the Bruce Trail; we learned some pretty cool stuff too. It was definitely one of our favourites by far.
Afterwards the celebrations continued with a quiet dinner at home with some family (don’t worry Jacob, we saved you a piece of cake for when you arrive home from Israel later this evening; can’t wait!!).
Rich also loved his new “one of a kind” hoodie I made for him which will keep him nice and toasty warm on all his #summerofrich “Winter Edition” adventures.
Life’s not about how hard of a hit you can give, it’s about how many times you can take and still keep moving forward ~Rocky~
The last seven birthdays he has celebrated have been spent loving someone battling with Depression. One such birthday several years ago he even had to go so far as to ask my Doctor for special permission in order to sign me out of the hospital for a couple of hours so that we could go for a quick dinner nearby to celebrate.
Loving someone with Depression is NOT easy. Being a caregiver to someone with Depression is NOT fun. You want so desperately to try and fix them, but you can’t. You feel helpless in everything you do and just pray that your words, your kind gestures or maybe even your hugs will be enough to make everything better, but it won’t.
Nothing they do seems to make a difference. Their words, their kind gestures and even their warm hugs only go so far when someone is battling a debilitating illness such as Depression.
Depression changes everything, including relationships. It builds walls around people and between them too. Rich has probably heard it all by now from outsiders looking in over the past seven years. Everything from “Man, I don’t know how you do it!”, to “You must be a real Saint!”, to my most favourite one of all, “Are you gonna leave her?”
Yup I’ve been a burden for the last seven plus years and that’s my honest truth. I am continually apologizing to Rich for being such a burden to him and our family and I probably tell him at least ten times a week how much better off he would be if I was “gone”.
He doesn’t see it that way though and just tries his best to always listen to me.
It’s not easy, nor fun.
Loving someone with Depression takes great strength. It means constantly having to listen or bare witness to many shocking and very upsetting things that they may say or do.
But still, Rich lets me talk.
He’s not perfect, but who is? He’s made mistakes along the way, he feels rejected at times and he gets frustrated and angry at other times but he acknowledges my pain, he validates it and although he may not always understand it, it’s what loving someone unconditionally means. It’s often a very thankless job!
If you are loving someone with Depression don’t be afraid to ask them what they need most from you right now. I can assure you it’s probably just knowing that you are there, sitting beside them in that darkened tunnel, silently listening to them, allowing them to speak their truth without feeling judged or pushed and letting them know that no matter how long it takes, you will still be there waiting for them when they do find their way out of that darkened tunnel.
I am beyond grateful knowing that I have that someone in my life. He definitely deserves to be celebrated tomorrow and every day in between.
Several years ago my family created a private group on “Snapchat” which they lovingly named “PHAM”. I wasn’t part of it for the longest time because I wasn’t a Snapchat user (It was originally created for like 13 to 24 year olds in mind ya know lol!). But when I began to regularly hear about all the fun I kept missing out on from not being a part of the “PHAM” (which Rich himself seemed to be thoroughly amused by often), I eventually decided to download the App to my phone so I could join in.
Snapchat’s unique way of communicating compared to most other Social Media platforms we use today “mirrors how people interact with each other face-to-face.” It doesn’t leave a history behind, instead it self-destructs in mere seconds so unless you capture a screenshot of it, it’s gone forever.
My “PHAM” loves to share silly Tik Tok videos on Snapchat that they found amusing and thought we may too.
My “PHAM” regularly updates one another on the latest in News, Weather and Sports by sending articles of interest through Snap.
My “PHAM” sometimes likes to send pics of a meal they so proudly created from scratch or one that they are about to devour while out for dinner with their friends.
My “PHAM” will often send pics of their latest Amazon package to arrive or of a new outfit they just purchased and want to model for the rest of us.
My “PHAM” sends videos of something interesting they saw while out for a hike or from a new place we’d never been before (its also where we’ve been able to live vicariously through Jacob’s daily adventures in Israel over the past few weeks).
My “PHAM” love to create and send each other personalized and often hilarious Filters and Lenses, which are both a huge and unique feature to Snapchat and one of the many reasons I enjoy our “PHAM” group so much.
Our “PHAM” has created many memories from these silly “snaps” and we get to capture some of the sweetest moments in time which we just can’t wait to share with one another. Our “Pham” lets each other know by sending these “snaps” that we are thinking of them even when we are hundreds of miles apart or sitting next to one another on the couch.
We are communicating with each another through our stories on Snapchat which continually opens up some pretty special conversations and great discussions afterwards.
It may just be a “snap” in time. It may disappear from the screen. But these moments in time will forever live on in my heart.
I received a message through Facebook messenger last night. It has completely derailed me.
The individual who sent me the message had been following my journey on Facebook for some time now and just last week had so bravely reached out to me in private to share a piece of her own story with me. She told me that she keeps alot of her mental health struggles to herself and that many of her family and close friends did not even know. She assured me though that she was safe and under the care of both a Doctor and Therapist.
During this same conversation she also told me how brave it is of me to be able to be so open and vulnerable about my illness and asked me why I do it. I gave her a list of reasons why, the same list I’ve written about time and time again in so many of my Blogs. I told her I do it with the hope of helping others struggling along their own mental health journey feel less alone. I told her I do it to inspire those who are struggling in silence to feel that it’s okay to not be okay, to feel like someone is listening, to feel like someone understands them and most importantly, to give others the courage or strength they may need to ask for help.
I told her that I also do it so I can help the many other individuals following my journey as well who are struggling themselves to care for a friend or loved one living with a mental illness and who may need some extra comfort or guidance while navigating through our very broken health care system or who may also need some help in understanding a little bit better what their friend or loved one may be experiencing or feeling.
And I also told her that by sharing my journey so openly and educating others about mental illness as well that I am trying to put an end to the stigma surrounding it.
We messaged back and forth for a while that night. She gave me her phone number and I gave her mine. She tried reaching me by phone and through Facebook messenger several times the next day but we did not connect in person.
We texted again, although briefly, later on that evening. I told her I was available now to speak by phone if she would like to. She was not able to at that moment and we haven’t spoken again since. I did however notice that she began to actively comment on several of my blogs/posts. Her comments felt confusing at times and somewhat alarming as to her own current state of mental health. I deleted several of her comments because I felt as though I needed to protect her.
Then last night she sent me a private message again through Facebook messenger to tell me that I needed to stop sharing my journey publicly and that even though I may think I’m helping others with what I post, I’m actually not. She continued by telling me that people don’t want to hear about my thoughts of suicide or my many other vulnerabilities but would prefer to hear the “truth” about mental illness in a more positive light and that I should consider buying myself a journal to write down my personal thoughts there instead (which I already do!). She ended the message by saying “Hope you’re doing well!!
To say this message has derailed me is an understatement right now. After reading her message several times (like probably 40) and becoming more and more upset each time, I decided to answer her back. I started by first apologizing to her for making her feel this way and explained to her that I try and speak from my heart surrounding mental health and wellness. I came back to that list of reasons I had shared with her a week earlier. I told her that my willingness to be so open and vulnerable has helped so many people start important conversations and has allowed many more to feel less alone as they desperately try to find resources available in order to get some help for themselves or a loved one. I also reminded her that when I do post things that could potentially be triggering for someone I always write a warning at the very top of it.
I wished her well and told her that if my platform is too much of a trigger for her to please feel free to unfollow me. She read my response and immediately afterwards unfollowed me, well actually she went one step further and blocked me.
She has completely derailed me today and has left me questioning everything I do or the possible harm I may have caused to others reading my Blog or posts.
I have no ill feeling towards her for what she said to me, I know I can’t please everyone or be everybody’s cup of tea. People are free to unfollow me or scroll on by my posts if they so choose to. I myself have needed to block several people from my Social Media accounts who have triggered my own mental wellness in some way.
What I am feeling most right now though is sadness. Sadness for someone who may feel a sense of shame because of her illness.
I’m not sure if by her sending this message to me was her way of trying to gain some type of validation from me for wanting to keep her illness a secret. I have never judged anyone who has reached out to me before who is suffering in silence. I’m just happy that they are reaching out at all.
And even though she has completely derailed me from my mission today I know in my heart that I do what I do so that people feel like they have a safe place to turn to no matter what and although she may not feel like I should be sharing my journey so openly and with such vulnerability, it was because of my willingness to share and bring a sense of comfort with it so publicly that she found me and began following me in the first place, just like so many others have as well.
As I try to get my focus back on track from this derailment I need to continue reminding myself the reasons why I do what I do.
YouAreEnough 
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