Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.
We all struggle with something in our lives. Whether it be within our relationships, at school, a job, achieving a goal or our mental wellbeing, your struggles don’t make you weak or a failure; they simply makes you human.
If you feel comfortable with sharing, what is one thing you are struggling with at the moment? Let’s normalize being real. Let’s normalize conversations about mental health. Let’s normalize being imperfectly perfect.
Every year on July 24th we celebrate International Self-Care Day, a day which is dedicated to bringing awareness to the positive impacts self-care has on creating healthier lifestyles.
When written in month and day format, July 24 looks like this; “7/24” which is a reminder to us all that self-care needs to be a part of our daily lives and routines, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Even though self-care may look different to each individual depending on one’s physical and mental health, we all deserve to take care of our own wellbeing first and foremost, each and every day.
Hannah drove up to camp this morning with a friend and will be spending the night.Â
She misses her home away from home so so much and will take advantage of any opportunity to go when she’s welcome.
She asked those up at camp to keep her upcoming visit a secret from Rachel because she wanted to surprise her and given the outpouring of emotion in this video taken upon her arrival I think her mission was accomplished.Â
My heart exploded watching this video she sent to our family chat.
There is nothing more rewarding than watching the love between your children grow.Â
It didn’t happen overnight, it happened in more subtle ways.Â
My kids fight sometimes as all siblings do, but they are just as quick to come to one another’s rescue too.
They have fun together, keep secrets from their parents, confide in each other and genuinely enjoy spending time with one another.Â
They are also as different as day and night in so many ways, bringing with them their own unique strengths and gifts.
Jacob is our wittiest. Hannah is our most sensitive. Rachel is our most creative.
Together, these attributes make a great team.
With any luck their bond will only continue to grow even stronger with time. It’s a feeling that brings peace in my heart knowing that wherever their individual journey may take them in life they will always have each other to lean on.
I’m struggling right now trying to figure out my value in the world.
Last night we had plans to go to a concert in a local park with friends. I love taking advantage of these free summertime concerts.Â
Elton John and Rod Stewart were playing (ok so it wasn’t actually the real Elton and Rod; not even by a longshot!).Â
Our friends needed to cancel last minute.Â
I completely understood.Â
Rich happily would have still gone with me but suddenly I was overcome with so many emotions and the volume on my negative self-talk button turned up full blast.
It’s been a really shitty couple of weeks for me and the past few days have been no exception. I needed to release some of those emotions, most of which I hadn’t even shared with Rich. I didn’t know whether to scream or cry first. So I just burst.
I feel as though both my body and mind are tangled together in one gigantic ball of knots and it’s getting harder and harder to undo. I do have moments where I manage to unravel some of the knots or at least loosen them a bit but before I can catch my breath again they just tighten right back up; some even tighter than before.
Part of my sudden outburst of emotions last night had been building up since Monday afternoon when I found out that yet another referral I’d been waiting for from yet another specialist, had been declined; no explanation given. But I’m sure it would have been the same old story I’ve heard over and over again for the past 15 months now since this added nightmare of neurological issues began after participating in the Psilocybin Research Trial in April of 2022 (biggest regret of my life). Doctors simply don’t have enough understanding of my very rare condition.Â
I am feeling completely defeated. This was the last of my long waitlist of referrals. I haven’t a clue where we (my team of doctors) go from here and probably won’t know more until my next appointment with my Psychiatrist in August.Â
This one treatment had felt hopeful. I’ve done a lot of research on it and even though from what I’ve learned, it may have only been a temporary relief for me, I’d have happily welcomed any type of relief at all because over the last while, my symptoms have actually been getting progressively worse (so much for one Neurologist’s words of wisdom to me last spring when he told me that a circuit broke in my brain that day and hopefully it will fix itself).Â
I can’t even explain these new and worsening sensations I feel coarsing through my entire body daily. I just know that they are unbearable at times, unrelenting and causing me debilitating nausea throughout my day; so much so that I’ve dropped about 10 pounds in the last couple of weeks. It’s been a battle for me to lose weight for some time now, and I should be thrilled by it, but this is NOT the way I want to do it.Â
I’ve hit a brick wall this week, making me ponder the question; “So at what point is it ok to throw in the towel?”
My mentally fragile brain feels forever wired to ruminate over every nasty negative thought and experience I have rather than staying present long enough to enjoy the positive ones.Â
Rumination is very common for people like myself who suffer with depression and anxiety but I totally get how difficult it is for a healthy brain to understand the affect it can have on someone’s health and wellbeing. Even during those moments of joy, inside, my mind is more often than not, wandering to some stressful situation that happened in my day/week or replaying a problem over and over again that has not yet been resolved.
The ruminations usually start off pretty innocently but very quickly build up to a level of obsessive behaviour while trying desperately to make sense of a situation which I can’t seem to grasp hold of or rectify or a want to feel heard or seen.
I’ve had a really trying couple of weeks but on Friday afternoon as I left my office and headed home I made a solemn promise to myself that I would try and let go of my ruminating thoughts and instead pour my energy into my busy weekend ahead of me.
In order for my plan to work, I surrounded myself with friends, made self-care a top priority (unfortunately we didn’t have time for hiking though) and found ways to distract my clouded mind, but still, the need to ruminate felt oddly irresistible and often stole my attention away from trying to stay present through it all.
But no matter what, I appreciate every single moment of joy I experienced this weekend; having several opportunities for self-care and most importantly, being surrounded by friends.
A special shout out to 2 very special people in my life, one for including both Rich and I today in her celebration champagne brunch (see pic) and two, for another very special friend who gifted me these 2 beautiful heart shaped crystals (see pic) during our evening together last night which I plan to hold close to me always. One being an amethyst which is meant to heal, cleanse, protect and bring calming energy to someone and the other stone, an opalite which helps bring clarity and strengthen self-insight.
I am truly blessed to have an army of love surrounding me through thick and thin.
In many ways it feels like just yesterday we were celebrating your first birthday.
Our firstborn, carefree, adorable, smart, funny baby boy with the infectious laugh, mischievous ways, adventurous spirit, loving, determined and so very adored; and whose innocence made him oblivious as to how much his life was about to change for the better, just 6 weeks from his first birthday celebrations.
You had your dad and I all to yourself for only a short while. Very quickly you went from being our entire world to becoming a big brother; and then again a few years later.
It’s just one of the MANY roles in your life which you’ve mastered with great ease and a role that helped mold you into the amazing young man you have become today; always and forever our firstborn, carefree, adorable, smart, funny baby boy with the infectious laugh, mischievous ways, adventurous spirit, loving, determined and so very adored big brother.Â
Wish we could celebrate with you in person today but your birthday is sure to be the best one yet as you continue on your summer adventure with friends, making the most incredible and lasting memories.
Thank you though for always taking us along with you on your travels with your updates, videos and pics and for being mindful in knowing that it’s probably best that you wait until after you’ve jumped out of an airplane and landed safe and sound on the ground before telling your mother.Â
Keep living each day to its fullest Jacob, stay present in the moment and savour all the beauty that the world has to offer you. The rest is sure to fall into place.
Love you to the moon and back, forever and a day! Enjoy your special day.
It’s been a week…and a real shitty one at that. Ironically though it was a short one because of the holiday on Monday, but somehow it felt way longer…
Too many appointments crammed into a short week. It was probably very poor planning on my part but when some appointments are booked weeks or even months in advance (6 to be exact) you start to lose track. One of these appointments triggered a panic attack just by entering into the hospital corridors where the sights, the sounds and the smells of this particular hospital continue to be a reminder of when I was brought into their emergency room earlier this year by 2 police officers, in handcuffs (can you really blame me though?).
I’ve also been experiencing worsening physical symptoms and severe flare ups that seem to go on for days and days. They cause debilitating nausea, hopelessness, helplessness, tears and severe anxiety.
There was lots more crap that went down this week to make it a real shitty, super long one but I won’t get into any of that right now.
I haven’t been able to do much self-care this week, which includes writing as I continue to struggle with how to battle my inner conflict that really hinders me from achieving my ultimate goal of wellness. My intrusive thoughts and often confusing emotions just keep overriding it, causing me feelings of fear, anger, shame, disgust and frustration.Â
Today Rich and I set out on a #summerofrich adventure to try and calm my mind…and body. I find I’m most at peace when in nature, when I challenge myself (and boy was this hike ever challenging) and as for all my physical issues I’ve been dealing with for 15 months now, moving my body seems to be the only time I feel some relief.
I did a thing today on this post Canada Day holiday Monday. I got another tattoo. My third one.Â
It was a gift from my kids for my birthday. I designed it specially with them and Rich in mind.
I never had any desire to get a tattoo (let alone 3 of them) before my mental health journey first began nine + years ago but much like my writing, tattoos have now become a way to express myself, inspire hope and resilience and acts as a daily reminder of my journey toward mental wellness.
Some tattoos serve as a reflection of our past, some tell our ongoing stories of the present and others represent an embodiment of the person you most want to become.Â
Each of my tattoos bring new meaning to my journey. My latest one is particularly meaningful to me as it not only symbolizes my ongoing internal struggle between light and darkness, but it also honours my greatest treasures in my life; My Family.
My family means everything to me; they are “my sun, my moon and all of my stars” ~ E.E. Cummings. And much like the sun 🌞 and the moon🌛and all of the stars 🌟🌟🌟🌟, they too brighten my darkest days, inspire me, give me strength and renewal and light up my world.
I chose to place my new tattoo on my left forearm, directly pointing in the direction of my heart, the place where I hold my family so dearly. Now I have a permanent visual that I can look at every day and be reminded of what’s most important in my life and know that no matter where the Universe takes me, I will never be alone.
A huge thank you to my 3 reasons why for this very meaningful gift. I love you all to the moon and back, forever and a day.
YouAreEnough 
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