Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.
Just a girl walking in a 115-acre field of endless sunflowers, petting baby chicks, listening to music, playing some mini golf and enjoying an ice cream on a hot #summerofrich day with her love, all the while, challenging her disordered eating and negative self-talk to not let anything get in her way of the moment.
“You never want to be a rarity in medicine or science.” ~ Celine Dion
I recently watched the new documentary, titled “I Am”. It’s a raw and honest, behind the scenes look at Celine Dion’s daily struggles living with her life-altering diagnosis of “Stiff Person Syndrome”, a rare, incurable neurological disorder which affects 1 or 2 in a million people. Twice as many women as men.
Doctors describe it as “muscles rebelling against the body, causing severe spasms. Also, people experience heightened sensitivity to noise, touch, and emotional stress”. ~ I Am
Watching it brought up a lot of emotions for me.
Brain zaps, a heightened sensitivity to noise and touch, blurred vision, muscle spasms in the form of tremors and tics, numbness, shakiness, constant tingling sensations in my hands and feet and a rare, incurable neurological disorder called PGAD, which affects about 1% of women in the world (even more rare in men) continues to torture my body and mind day and night since April 2, 2022; the day I took part in the clinical research trial for Psilocybin.
I can’t begin to fully understand Celine’s own personal journey or feel the distress and suffering that her nervous system has been undergoing for the better part of a decade now, but as I watched, breathless at times, it was hard not to compare my own pain and anguish to that of Celines.
It felt eerily familiar to me at times.
Both of us dealing with a life-altering, incurable, and very rare diagnosis. One that has left doctor after doctor scratching their heads, unable to fix you.
It can feel very hopeless.
Lonely.
Scary.
Frustrating.
Maddening.
My body and mind are in sensory overload right now due to an abundance of stress and anxiety, both of which cause me to have severe, unrelenting, and unbearable flare-ups of my symptoms. And at this point in time, “I Am” out of options.
If you were to ask Rich who my favourite music artist is, he would tell you, without hesitation, it’s Celine Dion. I have dragged him to see her in concert several times (one of the many perks he had during his career with Sony). He did, however, put his foot down, though, when I begged him to see her again while we were in Vegas some 12 yrs ago when she had a residency there at the time.
Celine is a class act.
My idol, hands down.
She is my inspiration.
Determined and strong-willed.
She has repeatedly promised her millions of fans that she will be back on stage performing one day, whatever it takes, and now it may be even sooner than expected, as rumour has it, she could be back, centre stage as soon as tomorrow, performing at the opening Olympic ceremonies in Paris.
You can be rest-assured I will be watching, cheering her on.
Most likely with tears of joy in my eyes and hope in my heart.
I’m struggling a lot lately, trying to find my place in the world.
Instead of going hiking today, we headed out to find quiet and calm in other ways.
I love exploring quaint little towns.
They offer a sense of tranquility and serenity.
They provide a peaceful sanctuary and an escape from the hustle and bustle of life.
Whether it’s during a #summerofrich hike in nature or a stroll through a small town, there is always a feeling of connection and belonging and a continued dream of one day moving out of the city to a place that offers us all that and more.
“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”~Brené Brown
A friend of mine at work bought me this Tim Horton’s “Camp Day” bracelet on her lunch break today. It was the gentle reminder I needed right now.
Having courage is way more than just being fearless. It’s acting on it despite your fears and fighting through it despite feeling anxious or afraid.
Fear can leave you feeling powerless.
A place I am at currently.
As I mentioned in a blog the other day, I have been dealing with a very trying and toxic situation for months now, which is escalating by the day, but I am willing to take the risk to rectify the situation by staring my fears straight in the face.
It’s time for me to take back my power and replace my fears with courage.
This past week has really tested both my strength and self-worth. I’ve been dealing with a very trying and toxic situation for months now, something I’ve never shared publicly.
As the week came to a close, I was beyond overwhelmed, exhausted, and felt defeated as the situation escalated. My whole world feels like it’s about to implode. My heart feels so incredibly heavy that my spirit is broken.
I feel trapped and scared. Unable to breathe. Consumed by guilt. I’m in survival mode right now and left wondering if life is even worth living if I have to continue to live this way.
I’m not good at confrontation. But I need to be. I don’t deserve to be taken advantage of. Being taken advantage of just leaves you feeling powerless. I’m feeling powerless. I deserve to feel empowered. It’s like being back in my childhood again.
Growing up, I never felt as though I had a voice or important enough to have one, so I learned to suppress my thoughts, opinions, and needs. I started to believe that my needs weren’t worthy.
I’m a people pleaser.
I could have spent my entire weekend hiding under my covers, crying. I know how imperative it is that we listen to our bodies and minds when they are telling us that we need to take a break and a step away from our daily stresses in order to recharge, refresh and reset. So I did just that.
This weekend, feeling completely empty, I gave myself permission to fill my cup first. There was some hiding under my covers, crying, but there was also lots of hiking, being in nature, boating, waterfalls, and spending quality time with amazing friends; recharging, refreshing and resetting
This little cutie pie made me a Mom 26 years ago today!! A title I wear like a badge of honour.
As I started scrolling through old photos last night and thinking about what I wanted to say to you today, I was reminded of a quote I had shared alongside a picture I posted of you on the night of your high school graduation, all decked out in your cap and gown.
It read,
“Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson.
I have always loved this quote, but I didn’t realize at the time I posted it, that these words would soon become a guiding light for you; pursuing your passions, aspiring to be the best version of yourself, taking risks, and leaving a lasting impact, all by having the courage to deviate from the “conventional path”.
You have done it all with such strength and resilience.
Keep living each day to its fullest, but remember to stay present in the moment.
Keep shining your bright light on the world and savour all the beauty it has to offer you.
Keep being the carefree, witty, hard-working, thrill-seeking, adored by so many young man that you are.
And most of all, keep leaving trails wherever you go, Jacob, because the rest is sure to fall into place.
Love you to the moon and back, forever and a day! Enjoy your special day.
Yesterday, I experienced a day filled with joy and gratitude.
It started with Rich and I heading out in the early morning hours for a #summerofrich adventure approximately an hour and a half away from home to an area of the Bruce Trail, along the Niagara Escarpment, an area we had never ventured to before for a hike. Once there, we spent 2 full hours hiking in the rain and mud (which made it quite slippery at times), exploring caves, beautiful views, great terrain, impressive natural rock formations, and a small, but mighty waterfall.
Sorry, some pics are loading upside down
The reason we chose this particular area was because it was close by to where we were headed to next for the afternoon. The Scandinave Spa in Blue Mountain.
Last weekend, my kids presented me with a gift certificate to the spa for my birthday. For both Rich and I to spend an afternoon there, together. A place which I’ve been wanting to try for several years now.
Their gift filled me with joy and gratitude.
The Scandinave Spa is not like any regular spa, it’s an experience; a hydro-therapeutic and wellness practice, based on real science.
We spent the entire afternoon immersing ourselves in the beauty of our surroundings (thankfully, the rain had stopped by now), appreciating the tranquility and aromas that accompanied the power of the full Thermal Journey. Engaging our senses by slowing down, setting intentions, taking deep breaths, being in the moment and escaping our everyday stressors in a cellphone and digital free environment (Rich snapped one quick picture on our way out from up top). We followed their recommended 3-step cycle in 4 different installments throughout the afternoon rotating between their hot pools and waterfalls, eucalyptus steam room, saunas, and cold plunges (yup I did it, not once, but 3 times!). In between each cycle, we relaxed, sipped tea, took a short nap, and read while lying under their canopy beds or cozied up to their outdoor, wood burning fireplace.
I felt an unexplainable surge of energy yesterday as I connected with nature and our thermal journey gave way for moments of calm and introspection, allowing both my body and mind to rejuvenate, refresh and relax on an even deeper level.
I slept more last night than I have in years.
Today, we are heading out again. This time to enjoy an afternoon at the ballpark with the “Boys of Summer”, the Toronto Blue Jays. Another awesome and very much appreciated gift and a perfect way to spend Canada Day. This weekend has reminded me just how beautiful our Country truly is, even if our Leadership has completely abandoned their Jewish community.
Most people can’t wait for the next blockbuster movie to be released on the big screen, but I, on the other hand, waited months for the latest Disney/ Pixar film ‘Inside Out 2’, to hit theatres instead. I absolutely loved the first one, which was released in 2015, about a year into my journey.
I saw ‘Inside Out 2’ last weekend (it was front and center on my birthday weekend playlist), and it was so worth the wait.
This film is a gift for everyone, from young tweens to adults alike. It is so relatable.
We are all made up of a mix of emotions. That’s what makes each one of us “unique and beautiful” humans.
Our emotions may not always be so straightforward but are a natural part of growing up. You wouldn’t be YOU without your whole crew in tow; Fear, Joy, Sadness, Disgust, Anger, Anxiety, Embarrassment, Boredom (Ennui), Nostalgia and, Envy. Each character in the movie helped remind us that all of our emotions are valid. And important. And real. And our own. Pixar does a wonderful job showing their audience that it’s normal to have feelings.
So many scenes resonated with me. One in particular was watching the main character Riley, a 13 year old girl entering puberty, experience the intensity of her first anxiety attack. It was both sadly familiar and heart-wrenching. I wanted to reach through the screen to comfort her. The movie teaches us that anxiety helps navigate us through life and can actually serve as a protective shield.
Perhaps the most profound line of the movie and the one that resonated the most with me was when Joy takes Sadness’ hand in hers and says to her friend, “Remember Sadness, wherever I go, you go too.” I was reminded in that moment that we can never know what joy feels like if we have never felt sadness. Even in the darkness, we must let Joy lead the way.
I want to feel more Joy than Sadness and Anxiety in my life. The movie reminds us how important it is to express how we are feeling, and being kinder and gentler to ourselves is vital for our well-being. We need to embrace the good parts, the hard parts, the messy parts, and all the amazing and beautiful parts, too.
This must-see movie will touch your heart and inspire your soul by bringing “the world inside our minds to life.”
“The two most important days in your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why.”~Mark Twain
I’ve spent a lot of time on self-reflection over the past many days.
Birthdays have a way of doing that.
Birthdays mark the passage of time and give us an opportunity to reflect on our journey.
Nostalgia and childhood experiences have provided me with valuable insight into both my personal growth and resilience which have also helped me to gain more clarity this past year as to some necessary changes I need to make for my overall well-being. I am learning to accept that it’s ok to let go of the things I can not change too.
Over the past many days, I have also taken the time to recall some of my most cherished moments of the past year, including what has made them so memorable.
Self-reflection is both enlightening and, at times, disheartening, too.
Birthdays are about more than just cake and presents. It’s a time for connection and expressing gratitude. It’s an opportunity to take pause and embrace the moments of joy, healing, and change in order to move forward, too.
A friend messaged me last night after watching the video I posted of my birthday hike on Sunday. Something stood out to her from that video that she wanted to share with me. It was the snake of all things.
She saw great significance in seeing the snake slithering across my path.
Snakes appear as a source of life and are a sign of transformation and spiritual growth.They are also a reminder to stay grounded as you move through changes.
As I continue to reflect and look toward the year ahead, I will take the snake with me as a sign that maybe it crossed my path for a reason, even if at first sight, it scared the living crap out of me, and Rich, too. As I began to calm down, though, I got down on the ground to try and capture the wonderment of the snake slithering by me. It suddenly didn’t feel so scary anymore. Although growth and change can seem scary at times, it can also nudge us out of our comfort zone and bring about opportunities to evolve and discover ones own sense of self.
“There will always be someone, somewhere who was happy you were born.” ~ Quote from the Movie “See You on Venus”
Today, I turned 53.
I am staring at a blank page before me as I open up this next chapter on my journey.
Birthdays have become quite overwhelming for me in the last 10 years. Age has never really factored in, though.
In the days leading up to my birthday, I always give myself permission to sit with my sadness, to reflect, and to try and process the deeper meaning behind my emotions.
I remind myself that it’s okay to feel these emotions. Being aware of my emotions allows me to approach them with self-compassion and vulnerability.
The best way I knew how to celebrate “ME” today was to put a plan in place ahead of time in order to help lessen the intensity of my sadness and anxiety.
I knew that connecting with nature, hiking, and chasing waterfalls would never disappoint. And I was right. Even getting rained on during the second leg of our hike only made our adventure that much more AWEsome. The sound of the raindrops and the fresh scent of rain felt really soothing. And it was a great way to cool off, too!
I wasn’t gonna let anyone or anything rain on my parade today.
YouAreEnough 
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