Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.
5 years ago today I achieved a goal I’d never dreamt possible. I had been invited to sit on a panel of a National Television Morning Talk Show; Global TV’s, “The Morning Show” during their Parenting Playbook session to discuss my recently published children’s book “Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go?” and talk about the importance of opening up conversations with children about a loved one’s depression.
Setting goals in life is a fundamental part of our growth, both personally and professionally. They are what drives us forward, inspires us, gives us direction, a sense of purpose, make us more productive, help us stay focused, make us accountable, and motivates us to achieve success.
From the moment I set out on my journey to write, publish and market my book, I had a vision that included making attainable, short-term goals. This helped make the process more manageable and way less overwhelming for me by breaking down such a large, long-term goal into smaller ones.
And I’m not done yet.
If you or someone you love is in need of some guidance and support, please feel free to message me for a copy of my book today.
I love warm weather, which is why summer is my most favorite season, hands down. It’s the time of year when I’m most active and carefree, but it is also the time of year when I become most self-conscious and self-critical of myself.
There are too many days to count during the summer months that I find myself yearning to crawl back into the comfy, cozy warmth of sweater weather simply so I can go back to hiding my body.
It feels like sweater season happened almost overnight here in Toronto. Summer lingered well into fall, but with still more than 2 weeks to go until winter officially arrives, it has already hit the ground running.
I’m not complaining, though I really do despise the blustering cold and shortened days of sunlight hours, I am all in when it comes to the warm embrace of a cozy sweater. There is something nostalgic and inherently comforting about it.
I’m quite conscious and very much aware that I’ve had a distorted sense of self long before my mental health journey began 10 plus years ago. I’ve feared my body ever since my late teens when I developed an eating disorder, and I’ve come to realize over time that those triggers never truly go away. They just present themselves in different ways.
From the end of last summer, to the start of the one that most recently passed, I had lost just over 60 pounds. I should have been celebrating my accomplishment, but still, I found myself consumed by my body’s flaws all summer long, and instead of feeling proud, I simply wanted to cover up in shame and disgust.
I’m a work in progress, and with many months still ahead of me until another summer season rolls out, I promise myself I will continue to work on my body dysmorphia issues, peeling away one comfy layer at a time and focusing more on self-love and self-acceptance, while curling up by the warmth of the fire in a cozy sweater of course.
Today is “Giving Tuesday” which is a movement that was created in 2012, simply as a day to encourage others to do good with a mission to build a world where both kindness and generosity are a part of our everyday lives.
Every day should be #givingtuesday.
What does the world need most right now, in one word?
Last night, I got to see the new film adaptation of the Broadway hit, Wicked. In a word, it was “WIIIICKED!!!!”. Can’t wait for Part 2, Nov 21, 2025!!
Sitting still for any length of time or staying focused without my mind wandering off to some dark or anxiety provoking place due to all of my mental and physical health issues is a daily struggle for me, but despite both being very present during the entirety of the film last night (wearing my earplugs does help though), I wasn’t letting either one stop me. I watched in awe, all 2 hours and 40 minutes of it. I was completely mesmerized by its cinematography, special effects, incredible acting, choreography, and emotionally charged musical numbers. The final scene, where the most iconic song from the Broadway hit, ‘Defying Gravity’ is sung, left me breathless and in tears.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve actually listened to the song before, but last night, with my emotions already running high, it brought with it a deeper, more symbolic meaning to that of my own journey.
It’s a song about self-discovery and empowerment.
It’s a song about embracing your true self despite any risks involved.
It’s a song about friendship.
It’s a song about letting go of the past in order to find your own happiness.
It’s a song about defying the odds, fighting injustice and stigma.
It’s a song about feeling misunderstood.
It’s a song about trying to prove your self-worth by defying any limitations others may have set for you.
It’s a song about making choices and finding your courage to follow through.
It’s a song about believing in yourself in order to achieve your dreams.
It’s a song about being trapped on the outside of acceptance, yet still knowing that “Everyone deserves the chance to fly.”; to be free.
It’s a song for anyone and everyone who needs to hear it.
This is a painting my Nana made some 40 years ago. She was a fabulous artist despite the crippling arthritis in her hands.
When my brother and I were going through my mom’s things as we cleaned out her apartment a couple of weeks ago, I grabbed it right away for my keep pile.
My Nana and I had a special bond. I was her youngest and only grand “daughter” amongst her grandchildren (although my brother shared a birthday with her, which sorta chumped that). The last vivid memory I have of her was at my “Sweet 16” party. She sadly and unexpectedly passed away a few short months later.
She lived in Ottawa and was a “Snowbird” during the winter months so we didn’t get to see each other as much as I would have liked to, especially once my family relocated from Montreal to Toronto when I was 8 years old; but somehow we made it work. I always looked forward to our time spent together and loved her intentional visits every spring upon her return from Florida when she and my Papa would make a special detour to Toronto on their way home to Ottawa; suitcases filled with new clothes for my brother and I and lots and lots of yummy treats we couldn’t get in Canada at that time. The double stuffed oreos were always my favourite.
I think of my Nana often. I don’t take any of my cherished memories of her for granted. I only wish she could’ve seen me get married like my other grandparents had (who were also very special to me), or been able to make her a great-grandmother as I was her first grandchild to have a baby of my own. Sadly, we can’t change the past, so instead, I find comfort in being able to witness the amazing bond my own children have today with their paternal buby. The older they get, the more endearing it becomes.
A couple of months prior to my 50th birthday a few years ago I shared a heartfelt blog with you describing how I had very few pictures or memorabilia of myself or family and friends from infancy to my late teens due to circumstances beyond my control which still triggers me often and fills me with so much anger and resentment (see blog: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2021/04/15/empty-picture-frames/).
Little did I know that from that blog would emerge one of the most cherished and meaningful gifts I could have ever imagined. After reading that particular blog, my brother set out on a mission to hunt down pictures from our childhood. Along with the help of my sister in law, my nephews, Rich and my three kids they spent hours and hours exchanging emails and text messages with one another, reaching out to dear friends and family who were a big part of our childhood and formatting the layout and design together (all behind my back) in order to create a keepsake album for me from infancy to present day, 50 years later. I keep it close to my heart and look to it often as a source of comfort, especially when I am feeling most vulnerable.
Being able to add my Nana’s painting to my collection of happy memories from my childhood is such a blessing. For some reason, I have always been drawn to this particular painting of hers, but I never truly understood why until now. I now see it in a much deeper and more meaningful light than I once had as a child. I realize now that not only did my Nana pass down her creative soul to me, but could she have also played an integral role in my love of nature and ability to always see the beauty and calm in it too; long before, that is, the #summerofrich was ever a thing!
For those of you who may have missed my post last night, our kids had given Rich tickets to see comedian extraordinaire Sebastian Maniscalco for his birthday a few weeks ago. I was his plus one.
The show was last night.
We decided to take the subway. I don’t think I’ve been on the subway in probably 20 years lol but we just didn’t want the hassle of driving and having to compete with all the road closures and chaos from the “Swiftie” fans heading downtown too. It was easy and stress-free. I may even do it again, one day! We got to the arena a couple of hours before the show was to start and walked through the crowded streets for a bit. The air was cool, but we were too focused on watching all the excited Swifties dressed in their sparkly outfits, and cowboy boots make their way to the concert to really notice. As we made our way back to the arena, we met up with a friend of mine from work and her husband for a drink inside the stadium about an hour before showtime. For me, a drink is code for diet coke!
It was the most relaxed I’d felt all week, and from the moment the opening act started (there were actually 2 openers before Sebastian took center stage), Rich and I laughed nonstop.
“Laughter knows no boundaries – it unites us, uplifts us, and reminds us of our shared humanity.” ~ unknown
It’s what we all truly need right now.
Charlie Chaplin once said, “To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain and play with it.”
That’s exactly what I did last night. To be able to find laughter in the face of adversity or embrace it as a coping mechanism for your pain are both crucial steps in my healing process.
It’s always a goal of mine to find moments of light-heartedness during my most challenging and darkest moments.
Laughter is such a powerful tool for reducing stress, recharging our focus, giving us a much needed break, and renewing our spirit to face a difficult situation, so believe me when I tell you that anytime you are able to find some humour while confronting your pain, it truly can be the best medicine.
The expression TGIF has never felt such urgency before as it does today.
It’s been a really difficult couple of weeks all around.
It’s caused me to suffer with severe exhaustion and brain fog.
My mind has turned to mush.
I feel so sluggish.
I barely have the strength to put two coherent sentences together some days.
I’m overwhelmed.
Stress will do all that to the best of us.
I have a lot on my plate right now, juggling so many things, none of which feel positive.
So much of it, out of my control.
Honest to goodness, my life feels like a complete shitshow right now, but on the upside, my mom did move to an LTC home this week.
Maybe me writing about her wait for a bed to become available last week in my blog and putting it out to the universe helped because within a few days of me making that post, my mom found out that a bed was finally available for her at one of the long-term care homes she was on the wait list for.
My brother and I, in many respects, feel like we’ve won the lottery on our new reality. It was certainly my first choice of homes when it came to where she could have ended up. The facility was built during covid and has only been in operation for a year and a half. It’s modern. It’s innovative, all private rooms, friendly staff, and great reviews from friends who reached out to me about their experiences with the same home so far. It’s clean and bright and will offer my mom the safety, socialization, and stimulation she needs.
The entire process has been a lot harder than I ever imagined it to be. I know it will be an adjustment for all of us, and my brother and I are doing all we can to support her the best we know how right now.
But for now, as I head into the weekend, I will be focusing on me. Self-care and laughter will be top of mind.
Thank you to everyone who had reached out to me last week and sent good vibes and well wishes. It is always so appreciated.
This “22” year old young lady (and also the song title of one of Taylor Swift’s most popular songs) had the BEST night of her entire life last night, alongside her big sis, dear friends and thousands and thousands of diehard, screaming “Swiftie” fans of all ages.
Rachel is a devoted “Swiftie” through and through, and has been that way for a long time now so when she couldn’t get tickets upon their first release some 18 months ago to see her idol live at one of her 6 sold out shows in Toronto, she was beyond devastated. As resale ticket prices quickly grew into the thousands, she obsessed over finding other creative ways of seeing Taylor in concert. Some of which included looking into the cost of air travel to other cities and countries as well as entering contests from sponsors giving tickets away locally where she would text both her siblings and parents 5x a day for weeks on end, ensuring we all had the codes ready to enter (I would really love to meet anyone who actually won tickets this way!).
Then, with only a week before her first Toronto concert dates, Ticketmaster released more tickets. One very loving dear friend of ours who already had tickets to last night’s show got into the queue, texted Rachel right away, letting her know, and as they say, the rest is history.
Her mood changed in an instant. Manifesting works people. She was suddenly happier than a pig in shit and as a parent, there is no better feeling in the whole wide world than knowing your children are happy.
Quickly, her mental state and focus shifted from how she would get to see Taylor live and in concert to what she was going to wear. Her and Hannah spent hours together between work and school commitments, making friendship bracelets (a Swiftie tradition) and creating the perfect outfits by hand. Suddenly, Rich and I found ourselves jealous that we weren’t going too. Especially Rich who began watching her concerts livestreaming with the girls and listening to her music in his car. A baby boomer Swiftie fan or a dad who was over the moon happy, knowing how happy this made his daughter feel. Either way, she bought him a souvenir t-shirt last night!
Many people have questioned what the obsession with Taylor Swift is and why would anyone want to spend an exuberant amount of money for one night to see their idol in concert, many forgetting how they would’ve done the same thing back in the day for a chance to see the Beatles or Michael Jackson or even by today’s standards to see their favourite sports team in the Stanley Cup playoffs or Superbowl.
The influence of social media has definitely changed the game, though, since the Beatles or even Michael Jackson eras. Fans now have a real time and intimate look into the lives of their favourite celebrities, making their obsessions take over their lives in an even bigger way. The dopamine release of happy hormones is constant. And who doesn’t want to feel happy, God knows, I sure as heck do.
I can definitely see what the obsession is, as, even in the face of so much criticism, Taylor writes songs that are relatable to so many of us, both young and old, she has an unwavering commitment to being authentic and kind, she is a leader, she gives back, shows her vulnerabilty to the world, uses her platform for good, demonstrates resilience, is a beacon of empowerment and puts on a damn good show. So if Taylor Swift can give someone that dopamine boost they so desperately need or deserve, whether live on stage or from the comfort of their home, let her. There are plenty of unhealthy obsessions people struggle to overcome in their daily lives and there is plenty of hardship and sadness in the world right now, so whether you’re “22” or “62” (as Rich is) remember that there are plenty of worse role models out there that her fans could be obsessing over and let’s all “just keep dancing like we’re 22” instead.
Today, my brother and I started the daunting and disconcerting task of cleaning out my mother’s apartment. We have until the end of the month to do so.
She’s lived here for over 30 years now.
For the past 8 months my mother has been confined to a hospital bed, much of this time in a rehab center, working with doctors and physiotherapists to try and regain her strength back, enough that is to be able to go back home to her apartment.
The reality of her situation, along with a debilitating diagnosis where she will, from now on, be confined to a wheelchair began to sink in for all of us a few months ago. Going home would no longer be an option, and she would need to be placed in a long term care facility.
This decision has been anything but easy. Tensions are high. Emotions deep. There has been an immense amount of pressure placed on my brother and I, ESPECIALLY my brother, trying to navigate our way through this new reality while taking into consideration all the components involved, much of which due to my own mental health struggles I just can’t handle and have needed to set a whole new host of healthy boundaries in my life with the help of my therapist for my own survival.
The hospital staff started the process for us back in August. At which time she was placed on a “crisis” list at 4 or 5 LTC facilities of her choosing. They told us the process of finding her a bed in a “crisis” status could take one to six months. It’s been 3 so far with no word yet other than her applications have been approved. With her apartment almost off our to-do list soon, we will be ready for the next steps when that day arrives, hopefully, sooner than later. (Without a “crisis” status, the wait times for an LTC bed in Ontario would be YEARS; and years).
My relationship with my mother has always been a complicated one, but my heart knows this is what’s best for her at this point in time. LTC facilities often have an undeserving reputation, but in all reality, they can offer someone like my mother the safety and comfort she needs while giving her loved ones a sense of peace. I have allowed myself to accept the knowing of what this all means without truly speaking those words out loud.
But, then why is it that I am still filled with so much anxiety, anger, fear, resentment, regret, apprehension, sadness, and guilt? I know these are very common and normal emotions to have right now, but it doesn’t make the situation any easier.
I have to keep reminding myself that I didn’t cause any of this to happen and that I am doing the best I can to help make critical and necessary decisions based on the information and resources I have been given. I am also doing my best to handle it all to the best of my ability as I continue to try and navigate my way through so many other potholes in my life at the moment.
Today may have been daunting and disconcerting, but with that also came a feeling of peace as I sifted through many memories.
YouAreEnough 
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