Author: Kim Fluxgold

For 3 years now, I’ve laid awake at night being tortured by my own body.

For 3 years now, I’ve woken up every morning hoping that it was all just a bad dream.

It’s been 3 years now since I participated in a clinical research trial for Psilocybin that left me with serious and irreparable neurological damage after convulsing for 6 hours straight. 

It’s been 3 years now I’ve been filled with constant regret and anger. 

April 2, 2022…(repost)

I woke up that morning after a restless night’s sleep.

I was excited to get to the clinic so I could start my Psilocybin journey.

The wait was over.

The day had finally arrived.

I was hours away from getting the relief I had been dreaming of for so long.

I’d completed all the necessary steps needed in order to be accepted into the clinical trial.

But there was just one thing left still standing in my way.

Earlier that week I had come into close contact with not one, but two people who contracted Covid.

My son being one of them and the other being a Psychiatrist who I’d just spent 2 to 3 hours with in close quarters the Sunday prior.

I had managed to dodge every other exposure to Covid I’d had up til then.

But was my luck about to change?

As routine and for precautionary reasons, I knew the nurse would be doing a rapid Covid test on me as soon as I arrived.

It was the longest 15 minutes of my life waiting for those results. If the test came back positive, I would be sent home, completely devastated, having to wait who knows how many more months for my turn to come back around again.

When the nurse finally gave me the green light to go ahead, and for Rich to go home, I was so relieved.

So how sad is it that I’ve spent every day since, wishing I had tested positive for Covid that day.

What if I had to come back another day? Maybe things would’ve turned out differently?

#Psilocybin #anniversaryeffect #threeyearslater #clinicaltrial #treatmentresistantdepression #youareenough #covidtest #regret
#whatifs #anxiety #mentalhealth

In May, Rich and I will be celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary. 


It’s a pretty big deal, wouldn’t you agree? 


The last time Rich and I were away together, just the 2 of us, was in the summer of 2012 while the kids were away at camp.  


We went to Vegas 🎲


It’s not to negate all the wonderful vacations we’ve taken with our kids over their lifetime, though, because each one of them were truly amazing. Memories to last a lifetime. 


But, and even though our kids are no longer “kids” persay, we are still parents, and it is as equally important for couples at any stage of parenting to spend time away from the daily stressors of life (and there are many) to help maintain a healthy marriage, strengthen connections, reduce stress, and help improve overall wellbeing, which is why we decided that no matter what challenges we are facing at the moment, and for many years now, we know that we are more than deserving of celebrating this very special and momentous milestone; and some time away felt like the perfect way to celebrate us!


We’re not going on some whirlwind European vacation or to an all-inclusive Caribbean resort, nope, we are simply doing us, and fulfilling a bucklist dream we’ve had for the better part of 5 years now.


So for 4 whole days in May, we will be immersing ourselves in nature on a #summerofrich adventure to Tobermory, Ontario, the northern tip of the 900 km Bruce Trail which offers spectacular landscapes, panoramic views of the Niagara Escarpment and crystal clear blue waters (we’ll feel like we are in the Caribbean!). We’ve been hiking parts of the Bruce Trail for 7 or 8 years now, and I’m pretty sure we’ve barely even hit the surface. 


As I busy myself with planning the perfect itinerary for the trip, it is not lost on me that one of the many reasons I don’t travel often is that I suffer from “travel anxiety”, amongst a gazillion other things of course.


This is not new to me, since my number one fear in life since I was a child just so happens to be flying and although we won’t need to fly there, my anxiety about going away, (even if it’s only a 3.5 hour drive), kicked into full gear as soon as we made the decision to go.


I have crippling anxiety and fears around traveling to new and unfamiliar places. The stress of traveling for me can often be impacted by undue and excessive worry, extreme panic, uneasiness, and my need to always be and feel in control. 


Real joy killers, wouldn’t you say? 


Welcome to my world daily. 


I should also mention that I will be taking 4 days off from work for our trip, which is adding a whole other layer of anxiety on top of my already anxious mind, thinking about the amount of work that will be waiting for me upon my return. 


My kids have thankfully not inherited my travel anxiety. All 3 of them have been around the world and back several times already in their 20 something years. They make it look so easy. I envy their passion and desire for travel and their wanderlust to venture about the world. 


With only the best of intentions always, I plan to cram some of that wanderlust into my suitcase for our trip, so much so, that my worries and fears will have no other choice but to stay home.   


#anniversary #thirtiethanniversary #travelanxiety #tobermory #hiking #nature #getaway #nature #relationshipgoals #natureheals #brucetrail #fears #wanderlust #mentalhealth

I recently watched the 4-part limited series, Adolecence on Netflix, which is loosely based on a true story out of the UK. 


It was really tough to watch. It was eye-opening, gripping, and gut-wrenching. 


The actors’ performances were impactful, powerful, and riveting. 


It was every parent’s worst nightmare.


It leaves you, as a parent, asking yourself some very difficult questions surrounding our youth today and the pressures they face from their peers, misogynistic influences, identity development, and the impact the internet and social media have on society today. 


Bullying and sexual harassment have existed forever, but it almost feels like these days, it’s become glorified and acceptable by social media.


This series also serves as a wake up call for parents today to the grim reality that it’s not the outside world we should be most afraid of for our kids, but moreso of the dangers that may be lurking while sitting 3 feet away from you on the couch or behind closed doors in their own bedroom. What should be considered their safe haven.


Yes, there is so much good that comes from technology and social media and the interconnectivity that you get from it and I know, it’s easier said than done that we as parents can somehow watch our youth 24/7 or always control what they are doing on their social media platforms, but now, more than ever, we have to make sure we keep an ongoing open dialog with our kids, even if they call you annoying! 


The most heart-wrenching scene to watch of the entire series was when the parents began questioning themselves as to whether or not they were good enough parents, or asking themselves what signs they’d missed or what more they could have done to have stopped the tragic events from happening.


It’s a very sensitive, often exciting and even scarier time in the life of a young person today who is really just trying to figure out their role in society as an individual outside of their parent’s world. I think there is a collective responsibility amongst all of us to ensure we are guiding them in the right direction. 


I highly recommend that every parent, peer support worker, psychologist, and educator watch this series.


#Adolecence #limitedseries #socialmedia #misogyny #youth #mentalhealth #gripping #impactful #parenting #peerpressure #Netflix #identitydevelopment #gutwrenching 

I received this blanket as a gift during the holiday season from one of my work besties. At the time, I didn’t know how truly meaningful a gift it would be. 


The blanket’s red, green, yellow, and indigo stripes have been a widely recognizable Canadian icon for centuries now; long before Canada was even a country. 


The Hudson’s Bay Company, with its rich history dating back to the 1600’s is the last surviving department store in Canada and now, another sad reminder of how quickly the retail world is becoming more and more depleted, struggling to compete with the e-commerce world as it gets ready to start liquidating all 80 of its stores nationwide. 


When this happens, it is estimated that well over 9000 jobs will be lost, and many malls will lose their anchor tenants along with other prime real estate left empty. Heartbreaking. 


I am sad to see that another slice of our Canadian history may soon be gone. Still holding onto hope, though, that it can restructure itself somehow, but for now, I will treasure my piece of history I have been gifted and take comfort from it while keeping me warm and cozy. 


#thebay #hudsonsbaycompany #departmentstore #apieceofhistory #mentalhealth #blanket #treasuredgift #workbesties #memories #warmandcozy

I posted a blog yesterday. Here it is again in case you missed it: https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2025/03/16/inward-hate/. 


In it, I spoke about my ongoing struggle with negative body image and the

unhealthy relationship I’ve had with food since my late teens.


If you know anything about me, you know that I LOVE diet coke. If you were to ask me what I have for breakfast every day, I, along with my family and work besties would tell you that my breakfast consists of a diet coke and…well, that’s it, just a diet coke. Breakfast of champions. At the start of every morning, whether I’m at work or home, before anything else, I crack open a can. 


And before the end of any given day, I’ve consumed at least 1 to 2 more.


I know, it’s not good. 


I don’t need a lecture about the risks of drinking so much diet coke. I’m well aware, but would it make it any better if I tried to defend myself by telling you that I don’t drink coffee, which is just as bad?


I didn’t lie to you yesterday when I said I’ve always had an unhealthy relationship with food and, in this case, beverages too. I see it as a bubbly, thirst quenching alternative to other options. I also see it as not having any calories or sugar added. To me, it’s a win-win. 


Much like water. 


But I rarely drink water.


Like rarely, rarely.


I know I need to drink more water, which is why last week I made a conscious effort to start doing so. 


For a week now, I’ve been toting around a large tumbler with me to work and at home. It’s very fashionable these days!


It’s been a great success so far, and I’ve found myself drinking less diet coke than usual.


Yay, me! 


#water #tumbler #dietcoke #mentalhealth #awin #healthychoices #negativebodyimage #breakfastofchampions 

Trigger Warning ⚠️ mentions eating disorders and body dysmorphia 

A few weeks ago, I was given an actigraphy device to wear on my wrist as part of the latest research study I am doing.


In case you missed it: https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2025/02/24/research-study/


I wore it for 2 weeks, all day, every day so the research team could measure my movement and track both my sleep and activity cycles. After I completed the 2 weeks early last week, I mailed it back to the research team in a self-addressed envelope they provided me with so that they could graph my results for their study.


During the spring, summer and fall months I am quite active and spend a lot of time walking and hiking in nature as you all likely know by now, but during the winter months, I prefer to hibernate. Winter and I simply don’t get along. 


While wearing the tracker, I became super triggered. I spiraled, to say the least. Something I never predicted would happen. I felt shame and embarrassment as I realized just how little I move my body this time of year. 


I’ve felt little to no motivation lately (not even to write). I’m angry and disappointed in myself. I feel stuck in this body that I can’t even stand to look in the mirror at.


Hate is an expensive emotion to have and often comes at an emotional cost to your mental health, which is where I’m at right now. It’s tiresome and draining to hate everything you say and do and every way you look and feel as much as I do. 


I have struggled since I was 18 years old with negative body image, which led to an eating disorder and a very unhealthy relationship with my body and food ever since. I’ve spoken very openly through my blogging about the struggles I went through to overcome an eating disorder in my early 20’s but I’ve also admitted that for the last 30 plus years I’ve been on a very bumpy ride that has found me dealing with many of the psychological affects of “Body Dysmorphic Disorder” causing me to go from one extreme to the other at different times in my life by restricting my food intake, excessive exercising, to binge eating and self-induced purging and laxatives. 


Hating yourself can feel like an endless loop of self-destruction, but with only days away from the start of spring, I am trying to lead with love and compassion in order to gain some insight into my most recent triggers knowing that in no time at all I will be back on the trails again, healing in nature. 


#healing #nature #hiking #inwardhate #bodydysmorphia #actigraphy #researchstudy #compassion #mentalhealth #YouAreEnough 

As I stare at this little girl in the picture, I feel a sense of nostalgia. I can’t help but feel sad, too. 


She was shy, yet confident and happy. At only 4 or 5 years old, she had so much life ahead of her to explore. She doesn’t even know yet that a few years later, we’d be moving from our home in Montreal to Toronto forever. A move I’ve never regretted.


I wonder what I could say to her now if I met my younger self for a cup of coffee, not that either one of us drink coffee though, so, instead, she’d likely have a donut and chocolate milk, I, a muffin and diet coke or ice capp with skim milk. 


What would she want to say to me?


Was this have been how she envisioned our life? 


Would I spend our time together apologizing to her? Would she be disappointed in me for losing myself (ourself) along the way? For losing that confidence or ability to embrace happiness. 


Did she even have the tools back then to understand that life is not meant to always be easy, that nothing in life that’s worth the effort ever is.


Would she instead be proud of me for the woman I am today? The wife to our amazingly supportive husband and mother to our 3 beautiful, now adult children.


Would she ask me if I followed my dream of becoming a hairdresser? A Veterinarian? A Social Worker? When I tell her no, would she think I failed her? Or will she gently embrace me, while perhaps crying when I fill her in on the day the direction of our life took a drastic turn at 42 years old with an unexpected mental illness diagnosis that somehow led us on a journey that has evolved into finding purpose and meaning in our life for the last 11 years now.


Would she see our experiences over the years as valuable lessons in growth. Will she see our vulnerability as strength? Would she see us as resilient for not giving up without a fight? Would she understand that some of the very difficult choices I’ve needed to make over the last many years weren’t easy to do? She was still so young and hadn’t felt the lasting effects of childhood trauma yet. I wish I could’ve shielded her more from that. 


Today is “International Women’s Day” so to all the incredibly strong, beautiful, smart, inspiring women I know, do me one favour, go have a cup of coffee with your younger self, remind her that she is amazing and that who she is will always be more than enough. 


#happywomensday #internationalwomensday #myreasonswhy #strongertogether #youareenough #coffeewithmyyoungerself #mentalhealth #myjourney #healing

Yesterday was the final day of the #pushforbetter “Push-Up Challenge”, sponsored by the Canadian Mental Health Association’s (CMHA). 

At the beginning of February, I signed up to participate in the fundraiser. Its goal was to complete 2000 push-ups over an 18-day period (Feb 11 to 28). The 2000 push-ups represent the number of lives that are lost to suicide worldwide every day. 

I failed the challenge miserably. 

By day 2, I could not move my upper body, and then, an unexpected medical procedure on my hand days later only added to the terrible pain I was already experiencing.

Epic fail. 

I’m left feeling very disappointed in myself that I gave up on day 2 of the challenge and that I couldn’t achieve my goal even though I knew going in to it that it was probably a bit out of reach for me knowing my upper body muscle tone is very weak.

But failure can be a valuable learning experience. 

It leaves room for growth and personal development.

It helps shift our perspective. 

It gives us time to pause and self-reflect.

It teaches perseverance and resilience. 

I know it’s not realistic to expect success from every new goal we set for ourselves. It may be a difficult concept to accept, but it also takes a lot of courage to admit when we have failed or experienced setbacks, which is something I should be very used to by now. 

Today, as I write this and self-reflect, I am trying to see this experience, not as an epic fail, but as a way forward towards continuing my mission of spreading mental health awareness and advocacy, helping to end the stigma and giving others a space to feel less alone instead.

I also think it’s best I stick to climbing mountains and not push-ups!

#pushupchallenge #epicfail #success #mentalhealthawareness #suicideawareness #advocacy #youarenotalone #youareenough #valuablelessons #growth #perspective #perseverance #resilience #selfreflection #endthestigmatogether #cmha #summerofrich #climbingmountains

I’m wearing pink today to show my support and take a stand against bullying and promote kindness and inclusivity.


We, as human beings have an innate desire and yearning to belong, yet, whether or not we want to admit it, we have all felt like we don’t belong at one time or another throughout our lives.


Whether that feeling starts at home, at school, at work or out in the community, it can be a very lonely and isolating place to be and can often lead to depression, anxiety and even suicide. 


This year’s Pink Shirt Day theme is “Let Kindness Grow” which focuses on “cultivating a community where everyone feels they belong.”


Let’s all help kindness grow by planting the seed today so that one day we can all live in a world without bullying. Sprinkle some kind words, empathy, understanding, and compassion as you go about your day today and every day and imagine the beautiful garden we could grow.


#LetKindnessGrow #PinkShirtDay2025 #PinkShirtDay #standuptobullying #kindness #empathy #compassion #understanding #inclusivity #mentalhealth