Author: Kim Fluxgold

Last night, I learned the devastating news that an old friend of mine from high school had suddenly passed away. 


We haven’t seen each other in years, but once upon a time, I considered him a very close friend. He’d even declared his feelings for me on more than one occasion. 😉


I was also best friends with his sister during my high school days, and I regularly hung out at their home, sometimes, just to see him.


And even though our lives had gone in very different directions over the years, we still kept in touch through his engagements on my Facebook page, as recently as a week or so ago. I always appreciated that he took the time to read my blogs and that he genuinely cared about my well-being and mental health journey, even through his own personal health struggles. That was Shaun, though.


Since hearing the news of his passing last night, I’ve been unable to focus on much else. It’s kind of a strange feeling to have so many emotions for someone I haven’t been friends with in over 30 years now.


But I know it’s okay to feel my feelings. It’s normal to feel this way, especially as the memories from that time in my life came flooding back today, all at once. I’m really glad I’ve also been able to share a connection and stories with other “old” friends today as well. It really helps a lot.


Shaun, you were larger than life and always the life of the party. I hope you’re cooking up a storm tonight, wherever you are. Rest easy, old friend. You will be sorely missed by all who loved you, both past and present. 




#oldfriends #foreveryoung #resteasy #tooyoung #memories #rip 

A bunch of years ago, I shared with you some details about a chronic, recurrent skin condition that I have been battling for about 10 years now.

It’s called Hidradenitis Suppurativa (HS for short).

It’s a non-curable inflammatory condition that affects certain, mostly discreet 🫣 areas of the body and not visible to the naked eye. When flare-ups present themselves, they can last for several days at a time. The flare-ups are excruciating and painful and have left me with a lot of scarring over the years.

I’ve seen many specialists about it. Each one of them put me on high doses of antibiotics and gave me creams to help lessen the pain during a flare-up. Neither of which were really long-term solutions. There was talk at one point of possible surgery or giving me weekly injections, which would need to be done for the remainder of my life. Recently, I was also asked to join a clinical study for HS, but after an initial consultation with the research team and given my history with clinical trials, I decided to decline the offer.

With so many more pressing issues to contend with in my life that need to be prioritized at this time, I think I have become numb to all my suffering, and having developed a high tolerance for the pain I’m learning to just live with it for now by chosing to work through the flare-ups using natural remedies instead like teatree oil.

But, recently, I was also diagnosed with another skin condition by a dermatologist. He took one look at me and knew right away what it was, but he did a biopsy just to be certain.

I was both confused and grateful at how quickly he could put a name to my condition, given that I’ve brought it to the attention of numerous doctors over the years. I’ve probably had it since birth and was shocked to also learn that it’s genetic.

It’s called “Neurofibromatosis” (this is the same disease that the “Elephant Man” had!) and is “a neurological disorder that affects the nervous system causing noncancerous tumors (which can, over time develop into cancerous cells) to grow on nerves, spine, brain and skin”. There are 3 distinct types of NF that can cause developmental and learning delays in children, brain lesions, loss of vision, and hearing.

These tumors usually grow on or under the skin or inside the body as well. As I age, and with many hormonal changes in my body, I have noticed more and more of these widespread tumors popping up, both on and under my skin, and most recently, cafe au lait spots on my legs which are also quite common.

Unlike my HS condition though, this disease does not cause me any pain, but over time, as it progresses, has made me feel ashamed and extremely self-conscious, especially during the warmer weather when my skin is more exposed.

The clusters of them on my chest and neck area are some of the most prominent. The ones on my arms are more embedded in the skin. The dermatologist told me that if I wanted to have some of them removed, it would be okay to do so. Which is exactly what I have started to do over the last several weeks.

During the holiday season, I was gifted a spa voucher from my employer. The voucher could be used at 100’s of spas of your choosing. Most normal people would take the gift certificate and use it towards a massage or facial, maybe a mani/pedi, but not me. It’s probably because I’m not normal, lol. Instead, knowing this feat would be quite costly, I chose to use it at a nearby medspa that was equipped to help me start to conquer the removal of some of the most bothersome clusters of tumors. The medical esthetician has been so wonderful and patient with me. We started a couple of weeks ago with a few on my neck, and they were healing well, so yesterday she did a whole bunch more on my chest. It will take a couple of weeks for the scabbing to heal, which I woke up to today, and will wait before deciding whether or not to delve into more. In the meantime, I am planning to also meet with a cosmetic surgeon in regards to a few more complex tumors, one being on my middle finger and one on my inner thigh. The one on my inner thigh has been there since childhood and has grown quite large over time. They would both need to be removed surgically. The one on my thigh has made me especially insecure for most of my adult life and only adds fuel to my body dysmorphia issues, I already suffer from enough.

Maybe I’m being vain for putting myself through all this, but I look at it as just another way that I choose me, to help build my crushed self-esteem and maybe while I’m at it, help make a positive impact on my mental health too.

#Neurofibromatosis #neurological #skindisorders #HidradenitisSuppurativa #mentalhealth #bodydysmorphia #selfesteem #selfconfidence #tumors #medspa #esthetician #elephantman #vainity

11 yrs ago today, on April 4th, 2014, my life changed in an instant. It was a Friday afternoon, much like this one, at 5 pm, to be exact. 


Life is so unpredictable. Even messy at times.


My life has been both unpredictable and pretty damn messy for 11 years now. I’ve been thrown many curveballs. I’ve been at my breaking point too many times to count. 


Sudden shifts in one’s trajectory can have a great impact on a person’s mental and emotional health. 


Today marks 11 years since my neverending battle with depression and anxiety first began. It’s a day that still plays out in my mind over and over again. A day so clear in my memory, it’s as though it were yesterday.


For those of you who have never heard the story of what happened to me on April 4th, 2014, here it is again:

https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2019/04/04/april-4-2014-its-been-five-long-years/


A few years ago, I wrote a poem reflecting on my journey, which I wanted to reshare with you again today. I’ve changed the number to 11 years. And although I may still be deep in throes of my battle with depression (treatment resistant) and anxiety today, please know that I continue to fight each and every day as best I can by staying focused on my healing journey with all the strength that I have.

IT WAS ELEVEN YEARS AGO TODAY: WHAT MY ILLNESS HAS BOTH TAKEN FROM ME AND TAUGHT ME TOO

It was eleven years ago today that I uttered the words “I want to die” for the very first time.

It was eleven years ago today that I felt hopeless and alone for the very first time.

It was eleven years ago today that my life no longer felt purposeful for the very first time.

It was eleven years ago today that I felt broken for the very first time.

It was eleven years ago today that I felt unlovable for the very first time.

It was eleven years ago today that I lost my way for the very first time.

It was eleven years ago today that I felt like the world was better off without me for the very first time.

It was eleven years ago today that I felt an abundance of sadness and shame come over me for the very first time.

It was eleven years ago today that my life was about to change forever, and I felt too powerless and helpless to stop it.

It was eleven years ago today that I peered outside my bedroom window, hoping to find myself somewhere out there.

It was eleven years ago today that suddenly I felt a disconnect from the person I once was, and with each passing year, she seems to fade further and further from my mind.

But someone new emerged in her place that day instead and even though she still feels all those same emotions today that she did eleven years ago her new identity has taught her so much more than she ever thought imaginable about both herself and others.

Her new identity has learned to embrace the difficult moments as a way to grow and co-exist with herself.

Her new identity has learned how to create more meaning in her life.

Her new identity has learned ways to stop running from herself by using the anchor she has been given when she needs a break.

Her new identity has learned to recognize the pain and suffering in others with heartfelt compassion, empathy, and kindness through the acceptance of her own pain and suffering.

Her new identity has learned how to ask for help and how to advocate for those who aren’t quite able to yet.

Her new identity has found her voice, one that she no longer takes for granted.

Her new identity has become stronger and more resilient than she truly realizes or gives herself enough credit for.

Her new identity has learned the importance of making self-care her number one priority.

Her new identity has learned how to set limits and enforce healthy boundaries, which has in turn created deeper, more meaningful bonds with the people in her life.

And she is grateful. Not for all that she has necessarily lost since that very first day eleven years ago but for all that she has gained and learned since then. And it’s a lot.

*Thank you to everyone who has been there for me and continues to be there for me since that very first day, loving me and supporting me every step of my journey and thank you as well to everyone who has shown up along the way; your love and support mean the world to me too.


#elevenyearslater #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #selfdiscovery #selfcare #depression #anxiety #suicideprevention #suicideawareness #yourmentalhealthmatters #checkonyourlovedones #bekindtoyourself #startaconversation #dontsufferinsilence #mentalillness #endthestigmatogether

For 3 years now, I’ve laid awake at night being tortured by my own body.

For 3 years now, I’ve woken up every morning hoping that it was all just a bad dream.

It’s been 3 years now since I participated in a clinical research trial for Psilocybin that left me with serious and irreparable neurological damage after convulsing for 6 hours straight. 

It’s been 3 years now I’ve been filled with constant regret and anger. 

April 2, 2022…(repost)

I woke up that morning after a restless night’s sleep.

I was excited to get to the clinic so I could start my Psilocybin journey.

The wait was over.

The day had finally arrived.

I was hours away from getting the relief I had been dreaming of for so long.

I’d completed all the necessary steps needed in order to be accepted into the clinical trial.

But there was just one thing left still standing in my way.

Earlier that week I had come into close contact with not one, but two people who contracted Covid.

My son being one of them and the other being a Psychiatrist who I’d just spent 2 to 3 hours with in close quarters the Sunday prior.

I had managed to dodge every other exposure to Covid I’d had up til then.

But was my luck about to change?

As routine and for precautionary reasons, I knew the nurse would be doing a rapid Covid test on me as soon as I arrived.

It was the longest 15 minutes of my life waiting for those results. If the test came back positive, I would be sent home, completely devastated, having to wait who knows how many more months for my turn to come back around again.

When the nurse finally gave me the green light to go ahead, and for Rich to go home, I was so relieved.

So how sad is it that I’ve spent every day since, wishing I had tested positive for Covid that day.

What if I had to come back another day? Maybe things would’ve turned out differently?

#Psilocybin #anniversaryeffect #threeyearslater #clinicaltrial #treatmentresistantdepression #youareenough #covidtest #regret
#whatifs #anxiety #mentalhealth

In May, Rich and I will be celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary. 


It’s a pretty big deal, wouldn’t you agree? 


The last time Rich and I were away together, just the 2 of us, was in the summer of 2012 while the kids were away at camp.  


We went to Vegas 🎲


It’s not to negate all the wonderful vacations we’ve taken with our kids over their lifetime, though, because each one of them were truly amazing. Memories to last a lifetime. 


But, and even though our kids are no longer “kids” persay, we are still parents, and it is as equally important for couples at any stage of parenting to spend time away from the daily stressors of life (and there are many) to help maintain a healthy marriage, strengthen connections, reduce stress, and help improve overall wellbeing, which is why we decided that no matter what challenges we are facing at the moment, and for many years now, we know that we are more than deserving of celebrating this very special and momentous milestone; and some time away felt like the perfect way to celebrate us!


We’re not going on some whirlwind European vacation or to an all-inclusive Caribbean resort, nope, we are simply doing us, and fulfilling a bucklist dream we’ve had for the better part of 5 years now.


So for 4 whole days in May, we will be immersing ourselves in nature on a #summerofrich adventure to Tobermory, Ontario, the northern tip of the 900 km Bruce Trail which offers spectacular landscapes, panoramic views of the Niagara Escarpment and crystal clear blue waters (we’ll feel like we are in the Caribbean!). We’ve been hiking parts of the Bruce Trail for 7 or 8 years now, and I’m pretty sure we’ve barely even hit the surface. 


As I busy myself with planning the perfect itinerary for the trip, it is not lost on me that one of the many reasons I don’t travel often is that I suffer from “travel anxiety”, amongst a gazillion other things of course.


This is not new to me, since my number one fear in life since I was a child just so happens to be flying and although we won’t need to fly there, my anxiety about going away, (even if it’s only a 3.5 hour drive), kicked into full gear as soon as we made the decision to go.


I have crippling anxiety and fears around traveling to new and unfamiliar places. The stress of traveling for me can often be impacted by undue and excessive worry, extreme panic, uneasiness, and my need to always be and feel in control. 


Real joy killers, wouldn’t you say? 


Welcome to my world daily. 


I should also mention that I will be taking 4 days off from work for our trip, which is adding a whole other layer of anxiety on top of my already anxious mind, thinking about the amount of work that will be waiting for me upon my return. 


My kids have thankfully not inherited my travel anxiety. All 3 of them have been around the world and back several times already in their 20 something years. They make it look so easy. I envy their passion and desire for travel and their wanderlust to venture about the world. 


With only the best of intentions always, I plan to cram some of that wanderlust into my suitcase for our trip, so much so, that my worries and fears will have no other choice but to stay home.   


#anniversary #thirtiethanniversary #travelanxiety #tobermory #hiking #nature #getaway #nature #relationshipgoals #natureheals #brucetrail #fears #wanderlust #mentalhealth

I recently watched the 4-part limited series, Adolecence on Netflix, which is loosely based on a true story out of the UK. 


It was really tough to watch. It was eye-opening, gripping, and gut-wrenching. 


The actors’ performances were impactful, powerful, and riveting. 


It was every parent’s worst nightmare.


It leaves you, as a parent, asking yourself some very difficult questions surrounding our youth today and the pressures they face from their peers, misogynistic influences, identity development, and the impact the internet and social media have on society today. 


Bullying and sexual harassment have existed forever, but it almost feels like these days, it’s become glorified and acceptable by social media.


This series also serves as a wake up call for parents today to the grim reality that it’s not the outside world we should be most afraid of for our kids, but moreso of the dangers that may be lurking while sitting 3 feet away from you on the couch or behind closed doors in their own bedroom. What should be considered their safe haven.


Yes, there is so much good that comes from technology and social media and the interconnectivity that you get from it and I know, it’s easier said than done that we as parents can somehow watch our youth 24/7 or always control what they are doing on their social media platforms, but now, more than ever, we have to make sure we keep an ongoing open dialog with our kids, even if they call you annoying! 


The most heart-wrenching scene to watch of the entire series was when the parents began questioning themselves as to whether or not they were good enough parents, or asking themselves what signs they’d missed or what more they could have done to have stopped the tragic events from happening.


It’s a very sensitive, often exciting and even scarier time in the life of a young person today who is really just trying to figure out their role in society as an individual outside of their parent’s world. I think there is a collective responsibility amongst all of us to ensure we are guiding them in the right direction. 


I highly recommend that every parent, peer support worker, psychologist, and educator watch this series.


#Adolecence #limitedseries #socialmedia #misogyny #youth #mentalhealth #gripping #impactful #parenting #peerpressure #Netflix #identitydevelopment #gutwrenching 

I received this blanket as a gift during the holiday season from one of my work besties. At the time, I didn’t know how truly meaningful a gift it would be. 


The blanket’s red, green, yellow, and indigo stripes have been a widely recognizable Canadian icon for centuries now; long before Canada was even a country. 


The Hudson’s Bay Company, with its rich history dating back to the 1600’s is the last surviving department store in Canada and now, another sad reminder of how quickly the retail world is becoming more and more depleted, struggling to compete with the e-commerce world as it gets ready to start liquidating all 80 of its stores nationwide. 


When this happens, it is estimated that well over 9000 jobs will be lost, and many malls will lose their anchor tenants along with other prime real estate left empty. Heartbreaking. 


I am sad to see that another slice of our Canadian history may soon be gone. Still holding onto hope, though, that it can restructure itself somehow, but for now, I will treasure my piece of history I have been gifted and take comfort from it while keeping me warm and cozy. 


#thebay #hudsonsbaycompany #departmentstore #apieceofhistory #mentalhealth #blanket #treasuredgift #workbesties #memories #warmandcozy

I posted a blog yesterday. Here it is again in case you missed it: https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2025/03/16/inward-hate/. 


In it, I spoke about my ongoing struggle with negative body image and the

unhealthy relationship I’ve had with food since my late teens.


If you know anything about me, you know that I LOVE diet coke. If you were to ask me what I have for breakfast every day, I, along with my family and work besties would tell you that my breakfast consists of a diet coke and…well, that’s it, just a diet coke. Breakfast of champions. At the start of every morning, whether I’m at work or home, before anything else, I crack open a can. 


And before the end of any given day, I’ve consumed at least 1 to 2 more.


I know, it’s not good. 


I don’t need a lecture about the risks of drinking so much diet coke. I’m well aware, but would it make it any better if I tried to defend myself by telling you that I don’t drink coffee, which is just as bad?


I didn’t lie to you yesterday when I said I’ve always had an unhealthy relationship with food and, in this case, beverages too. I see it as a bubbly, thirst quenching alternative to other options. I also see it as not having any calories or sugar added. To me, it’s a win-win. 


Much like water. 


But I rarely drink water.


Like rarely, rarely.


I know I need to drink more water, which is why last week I made a conscious effort to start doing so. 


For a week now, I’ve been toting around a large tumbler with me to work and at home. It’s very fashionable these days!


It’s been a great success so far, and I’ve found myself drinking less diet coke than usual.


Yay, me! 


#water #tumbler #dietcoke #mentalhealth #awin #healthychoices #negativebodyimage #breakfastofchampions 

Trigger Warning ⚠️ mentions eating disorders and body dysmorphia 

A few weeks ago, I was given an actigraphy device to wear on my wrist as part of the latest research study I am doing.


In case you missed it: https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2025/02/24/research-study/


I wore it for 2 weeks, all day, every day so the research team could measure my movement and track both my sleep and activity cycles. After I completed the 2 weeks early last week, I mailed it back to the research team in a self-addressed envelope they provided me with so that they could graph my results for their study.


During the spring, summer and fall months I am quite active and spend a lot of time walking and hiking in nature as you all likely know by now, but during the winter months, I prefer to hibernate. Winter and I simply don’t get along. 


While wearing the tracker, I became super triggered. I spiraled, to say the least. Something I never predicted would happen. I felt shame and embarrassment as I realized just how little I move my body this time of year. 


I’ve felt little to no motivation lately (not even to write). I’m angry and disappointed in myself. I feel stuck in this body that I can’t even stand to look in the mirror at.


Hate is an expensive emotion to have and often comes at an emotional cost to your mental health, which is where I’m at right now. It’s tiresome and draining to hate everything you say and do and every way you look and feel as much as I do. 


I have struggled since I was 18 years old with negative body image, which led to an eating disorder and a very unhealthy relationship with my body and food ever since. I’ve spoken very openly through my blogging about the struggles I went through to overcome an eating disorder in my early 20’s but I’ve also admitted that for the last 30 plus years I’ve been on a very bumpy ride that has found me dealing with many of the psychological affects of “Body Dysmorphic Disorder” causing me to go from one extreme to the other at different times in my life by restricting my food intake, excessive exercising, to binge eating and self-induced purging and laxatives. 


Hating yourself can feel like an endless loop of self-destruction, but with only days away from the start of spring, I am trying to lead with love and compassion in order to gain some insight into my most recent triggers knowing that in no time at all I will be back on the trails again, healing in nature. 


#healing #nature #hiking #inwardhate #bodydysmorphia #actigraphy #researchstudy #compassion #mentalhealth #YouAreEnough