If you survived it, you deserve to heal from it.” ~ unknown

I keep coming back to this quote lately.

Maybe because, now, two months after my accident, I’m realizing that surviving something and healing from it are two very different things.

Two months ago today. And it’s already felt like a lifetime.

My life changed in ways I never could have imagined. There is now a before, and, there is now an after, and I’m having a difficult time trying to figure out how to live in the “after.”

There is so much fear in me about next steps. There’s so much anxiety, shame, exhaustion, frustration, grief, anger, and uncertainty.

I’m dealing with trauma triggers every day. Recurring nightmares. Panic attacks. And my nervous system is in constant flare up, waiting for something terrible to happen again.

The simplest things have become victories. Every time I stand up from my couch, walk into another room, I think, yay, I did it! It may sound small to someone else, but to me, it isn’t anymore because somewhere between standing up and reaching that other room, the panic starts to creep in.

What if I faint? Or worse?

And suddenly something as ordinary as walking from one room to another becomes a battle between wanting to trust my body and being terrified that I can’t.

So yes, I celebrate the little things because right now, simply getting up and walking into another room when every part of me is screaming STOP, feels like a huge milestone.

And then there is the next chapter.

My first procedure is scheduled for next week.

I’m trying to be hopeful, but I’m scared (but also so excited to finally get the damn wire off my teeth which is beyond uncomfortable).

I’ve been told there are no guarantees by every specialist so far, and those words are difficult to sit with when you’re already living with so much uncertainty.

Knowing how my body responds to everything over the past many years, I keep asking myself, is it even capable of recovery?

What happens if it doesn’t go the way I need it to go? Then what does healing look like for me?

I’ve begun researching EMDR as it has been highly recommended to me. I know that healing can’t only be about what happens physically. My mental and emotional health also needs attention too. The parts that still feel like it’s living inside the accident. It’s really, really hard.

EMDR stands for “Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing and is an interactive psychotherapy technique designed to help people recover from trauma, PTSD, and other distressing life experiences”.

There are days when I feel super stuck. Days when I’m so exhausted from being anxious. Days when I wonder how I’m supposed to keep doing this when I’m already so tired.

But as difficult as it is to acknowledge, I am reminded daily that I have survived.

And maybe that’s where this quote comes in.

“If you survived it, you deserve to heal from it”, and not just physically, but mentally and emotionally too in whatever way healing needs to happen.

But I won’t pretend I’m not scared.

So every time I make it to the other side of a moment, I’m going to take it as a victory.

And maybe that’s where healing needs to begin.

#trauma #mentalhealth #healing #youareenough