Prisoner in My Own Mind

Before I begin, I did want to first start by saying a huge, heartfelt thank you for all the beautiful messages of support I’ve received and continue to daily, both on and offline, after my last post where I let you know that I needed to take a bit of a break from my blogging and social media platforms for my mental health. I have read every last word written and spoken in private with so many special friends and acquaintances alike. It’s meant the world to me. 


I’ve spent the past week trying to fill my own cup. I’m not sure it’s been all that successful, though. My heart is tired. 


I’ve needed this time away to try and collect my thoughts and emotions while dealing with so many really big feelings all at once. My mind feels like it’s on an endless loop of hopelessness, trapped by all these negative thoughts and emotions. The best way to describe how I am feeling right now is likened to that of a prisoner, yet I’m the prisoner of my own mind.


The truth is, though, I miss writing, even if there are days where I put a lot of undue pressure on myself while doing so and on other days where the words just can’t come out. But I also know that every time I share my story, I take the hand of someone else along with me who thought that they were the only one going through something alone. 


That is what inspires me most to keep writing. 


Both my therapist and psychiatrist had been very helpful this past week as I desperately tried to sort through so many really big feelings all at once right now. With their help, I’m trying to become more aware of my endless list of triggers I have by challenging my negative beliefs circling my mind. I’m learning ways to stop replaying my past traumas over and over again in order to help me cope with my everyday challenges better. I’m still a work in progress. I still yearn to feel like I am worthy or enough; I still yearn to squash the self-doubt, and I still yearn to one day find purpose to go on living. I do know, though, that in the end, I am truly the only one who holds the key to unlock my imprisoned mind and be able to break free from the prison guards standing in my way.


“Write hard and clear about what hurts”~Ernest Hemingway 


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Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma. View all posts by Kim Fluxgold