*Trigger Warning ⚠️, Sensitive Topic; Mentions Suicide, M.A.I.D
Last night, I had a Zoom call with a PhD Student. His area of study is in clinical psychology. Our call lasted two hours.
We “met” online several months ago through a private Facebook group we are both members of. Our purpose in joining this group differed greatly. His was strictly for research he is doing for his dissertation. The subject, “Track Two, Non-Terminal Illnesses for M.A.I.D” (Medical Assistance in Dying); my reason was for a very different kind of research.
He had originally reached out to me a few months back to ask if I would be willing to talk to him about M.A.I.D, knowing that I had already taken several steps in the application process. I told him I’d be more than happy to chat with him, but that it would have to wait until the new year as I had a lot on my plate at the time.
He made me feel very relaxed right from the start of our conversation last evening. Everything we spoke about was recorded for research purposes only and in the strictest of confidence.
He told me this was my opportunity to contribute to helping people better understand what it’s like to have conversations about M.A.I.D and what I believe doctors outta hear. He was most interested in learning more about my life experiences, my reasons for researching M.A.I.D, why I made the decision to start the process, and my relationships; mostly he wanted to know how they all feel about me applying to the program, including that of my Therapist and Psychiatrist.
I started the process almost a year ago. Here is the blog I wrote just prior to doing so: https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2023/02/03/trigger-warning-very-sensitive-content-below-discusses-very-intimate-thoughts-on-suicide-and-medical-assistance-in-dying-m-a-i-d-2/
When I first learned about M.A.I.D potentially becoming legal in March of 2023, the year prior, for individuals suffering with a mental illness, I was torn, confused, and scared. A year later though, still torn, confused and scared but now living with irreparable neurological damage, I started looking into it more seriously with each new treatment failing me and my mental health declining due in part to the more recent issues. It was just about that same time that the government announced they were delaying the start date by another year to March, 2024. I made a promise to myself I would hold on until then but I’d also found a loophole in the system where some people with a mental illness may still be eligible “if they also have a ‘grievous and irremediable’ physical health condition. Their illness, disease or disability or state of decline causes them enduring physical or psychological suffering that is intolerable to them and that cannot be relieved under conditions that they consider acceptable.” A person’s death also does not need to be reasonably foreseeable for M.A.I.D eligibility (i.e., a person does not need to be at the end of life).~ Camh
After months of going through the process, I was told in November by one of the M.A.I.D team doctors that my case falls into a very gray area and that I would most likely have to wait until it becomes legalized this year. Just last week, I asked my Psychiatrist during my appointment with him if he had heard anything yet as the March deadline was nearing. He told me he hadn’t but that he would let me know as soon as he did and that he takes every inquiry from his patients very seriously.
Then, this past Monday as I drove home from work, alone in my thoughts, I heard on the radio that the government was asking for another pause on M.A.I.D again for individuals suffering with a mental illness who are seeking assistance in dying. I was torn, confused, and scared once again.
The government still feels, from conversations they’ve had, that the system is not ready yet, that they need more time and if they plan to move forward to make M.A.I.D legal for those suffering with a mental illness, they need to get it right.
Upon hearing the news on my drive home, that promise I had made to myself a year earlier that I would wait out the year suddenly left me with a lot more to think about this week. It’s been all I’ve been thinking about, to be honest. I know my loved ones think that the government’s announcement earlier this week was a good thing. My fear is where is this going to leave people like myself now.
I think last night ended up being quite a therapeutic experience for me at just the perfect time, and the best part was that this research study, unlike so many others I’ve participated in, won’t leave behind any further irreparable damage to my body or mind. After we finished our call, the kind young man sent me a $20 Amazon gift card for my time. I really appreciated the sweet gesture. So, at least for today, I am now focused on deciding what I should treat myself to with my gift card!!! Any thoughts??
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YouAreEnough 