Just Look At My Track Record

*Trigger Warning ⚠️*

I’m riddled by constant anxiety and panic lately. 

I’m feeling desperate and helpless. 

I’m exhausted. Both my body and mind can attest to this as they screamed in agony yesterday; I surrendered.

My emotions are way bigger than I am right now which is why it’s taken me quite some time to finish writing this. I’ve stopped myself many times from doing so. I’ve even contemplated not writing at all anymore. 

Once I say it aloud, or write it all down for others to read it becomes real and I feel like I will have failed everyone, myself included, again. But I also know that you have got to be willing to put yourself out there no matter what anyone may think or say in order for someone else to feel heard too. 

When I was first offered the chance to participate in the Psilocybin research trial some 16 months ago now, I didn’t hesitate. Even after the abundance of failed treatments I had already tried prior to this one and especially after just having finished 2 grueling months of very intense sessions of Ketamine which did absolutely nothing for me.

I thought I was prepared for whatever happened next. But by this point it’s probably safe to say, nobody was.

So it’s no wonder why the next steps in my journey have been some of the hardest steps to take. I’d promised myself several weeks ago that I wouldn’t make any decisions until all of my most recent consultations were over. These decisions were not made lightly by any means which is why I’ve been so riddled by constant anxiety and panic lately.

I was praying that my last specialist appointment a few weeks ago would have given me some hope, or some light at the end of the tunnel but of course that was not the case. Instead two new referrals were made in its place. And now I wait again.

I’m starting to feel as though I’m a lost cause and that nothing or nobody can “fix me”, both mentally or physically. Just look at my track record. I honestly just want to give up. I don’t know if I have the strength to fight anymore, maybe merely surviving for the time being is all I have left in me which is why I placed another call to M.A.I. D recently. I was not turned away this time but there is still a long and tiresome road that awaits me.

In the meantime, after playing ping pong in my head for weeks now trying desperately to make the major decision over whether or not to participate in new clinical study for “Deep Brain Stimulation”, I have made peace with my decision not to go through with it at this time. The “what if’s” that something could go seriously wrong…again unfortunately far outweigh the “what if” everything goes right for me. 

Just look at my track record. 

I don’t want to be a guinea pig anymore. 

I think the quote I’ve attached best sums up how I am feeling right now: “There comes a point where you no longer care if there’s a light at the end of the tunnel or not. You’re just sick of the tunnel.”

#mentalhealth #depression #anxiety #panicattacks #itsoktonotbeok #trackrecord #deepbrainstimulation #neurologicaldamage #pgad #exhausted #lightattheendofthetunnel #sickofthetunnel #difficultdecisions #myjourney #blogging #writing #Psilocybin #guineapig #whatifs #maid #atpeace   

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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