Has The System Failed Me Again?

*talk of suicide, may be triggering to some*

It’s been a little over a month now since my treatment of Psilocybin took place but with each passing week I’ve had more and more difficulty talking about my progress due to my mental health. During this time though I’ve continued to be closely monitored regularly by “virtual” and in person visits with the clinical Nurse in charge of the study along with my Psychiatrist and Therapist (thank God for her).

I had mentioned shortly after my treatment that I’d experienced some very discomforting side effects like continuous tingling in my hands and feet, brain zaps and shakiness from it which began at the onset of the treatment and in my “professional opinion” I had assumed that these neurological symptoms were likely caused due to the lengthy “trip” I went on which left me convulsing for over five hours. I figured they would simply disappear within a few days to a week afterwards but have instead been getting progressively worse along with many additional symptoms being too awkward, uncomfortable, embarrassing and difficult to talk about. 

I have always been way more comfortable helping others than asking for help myself but if I’ve learned anything over the last eight years it’s how important it is to ask for help even when the conversations may be awkward, uncomfortable, embarrassing or too difficult to talk about. This week I’ve needed to have several of those awkward, uncomfortable, embarrassing and very difficult to talk about conversations; I eased in slowly by getting up the courage to first talk to Rich and have since opened up to my Therapist, Psychiatrist and family Doctor. 

Until this week I hadn’t been completely truthful with any of them about how I’ve really been feeling but I knew I needed to get honest with both myself and them as well because some of my symptoms have been getting progressively worse and although they’ve been causing me a whole lot of distress, shame and embarrassment, they have now reached the point where they are also making my life too unbearable to want to live. 

I’m exhausted and feel so defeated. I once again feel like a failure. I’m once again left feeling like what the heck is wrong with me? Why is nothing working? Why does it feel like everytime I try any new medications or treatment I take 2 steps backwards? Why does my body and mind both seem to react so negatively to every single medication and treatment? Why does the system keep letting me down? It’s frustrating as hell.

I am however feeling some relief that I finally found the strength this week to reach out for help and that I am hopeful that both my Psychiatrist and family Doctor will work together in taking the necessary next steps into finding the root cause of my symptoms, some of which are quite rare. 

It’s been a really long week but I am super thankful that I got a chance earlier this week to honour myself by attending a wonderful retreat day which gave me just enough rejuvenation in order to find the strength to ask for help and to also confide in a couple of my close friends as well because I am feeling super alone right now. I know how super hard it can be to talk about the hard stuff, the painful stuff, the challenging, embarrassing, awkward and shameful stuff but by taking that extra step to reach out for support proves to the world that you are a fighter and a force to be reckoned with. 

And just knowing there are people in your life who accept you and love you and only want what’s best for you makes it so much easier when you can do it together and is quite honestly one of the bravest, most badass things you will ever do. #itsoktonotbeok

#itsoktoaskforhelp #strength #courage #youarenotalone #psychiatry #therapy #Psilocybin #clinicaltrial #sideeffects #suicideprevention #suicideawareness #depression #anxiety #friendship #confidante #brave #badass #youareenough 

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: