What Sparks Joy In Your Life?

Having depression can suck the life right out of you, making you feel stuck and unable to experience joy. Then add a tablespoon full of anxiety into the mix and you create a tug of war of emotions, making you feel as though you are being pulled in every direction; but in the end there is no real winner because depression and anxiety both crave your attention and want you to focus on them all the time.

I’ve spent the past few days trying to process the lengthy conversation I had on Saturday with my team of doctors from the clinical trial which by the end left me with a feeling of abandonment, anger and confusion all rolled into one when they informed me that they would no longer be meeting with me as their role in my Psilocybin journey moving forward was now complete (see blog I posted yesterday: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2022/04/11/did-i-break-further-or-did-i-have-a-breakthrough/).

And as I continue to sift through the many notes I took during our two plus hour meeting the other day, reading them over and over again and trying to make sense of everything, I’m feeling even more confused than ever right now (I also shared them with my therapist yesterday as well). 

The notes I took were quite thorough and very specific to my needs but here’s where the problem lies…They left off by asking me to lean into and embrace my emotions in order to help me try and figure out what my core values are and to find purposeful ways for which I can add meaning to my life in order to achieve my goals. I was really taken aback by this as I was already in the belief that for the last several years this had become the main focus of my healing process…or so I thought.

I truly believed, up until that moment that for the last several years I had already been creating and doing just that. I truly believed that the path my journey has led me on over the last several years had helped spark moments of joy in my life and added new meaning and purpose I’d felt had been missing my whole life. I truly believed that although I am still very much stuck in my depressive mind that finding a purpose and new meaning in my life had brought about an important shift in my core values that has made it possible to help me continue to fight the most difficult battle of my life.

Sharing my authentic journey with others has given me purpose and knowing that by sharing my journey I am helping others has brought new meaning to my life. Feeling like I am making a difference in the world by creating an impact on others has added undeniable value to my life. And using my creative forces to do so has sparked moments of joy in my life as well. 

I know I need to continue to work with, lean into and embrace those feelings of joy in my life. I just love nothing more in this world than to make others sparkle joy but now is the time where I need to believe that I deserve to have more of those moments for myself and be able to attain that same compassion for myself as I have for others so that I can one day feel more and more lasting moments of joy instead of pain. As I said yesterday I need to take one step up the mountain at a time, one moment at a time, one thought at a time and one creative spark at a time. 

***Here is an article my friend sent me this morning that gave me a sparkle of joy today. It discusses how research has shown that many people may begin to respond to Psilocybin treatment after about 3 weeks***

And please stay tuned for a big announcement tomorrow morning where I will be launching my latest creative spark of joy! 

#sparkleofjoy #purpose #findingmeaning #corevalues #myjourney #psilocybin #clinicaltrial #depression #treatmentresistantdepression #anxiety #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #healing #bigannouncement #agentlereminder @agentlereminderproject

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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