Am I A WARRIOR Or Just A Glutton For Punishment?

I had a really bad reaction to a very promising product I was gifted to try last week. 

I’ve spent the better part of a week now recuperating from the severe physical pain and mental anguish it has caused me. It once again proved to me that not only has my mind failed me over and over again in the past 7 plus years but so too has my body as it feels as though my body rejects every single medication and product I try time and time again (even the all natural remedies) along with every treatment I endure as well.

I stated in a recent post, while experiencing excruciating pain that by pure definition, I am a pretty bad ass mother fucking warrior; something I will argue though (see:; but I guess there must be some truth to it. 

Upon completion of my last Ketamine treatment a few weeks ago, I completely collapsed. I shattered into a million pieces. I declared defeat. My anxiety continues to increase (if that’s even possible). My feelings of guilt have become exasperated and my thoughts of suicide have deepened.

But remember, I’m a warrior so every time I’m presented with another new or innovative opportunity to try, anything that may give me that glimmer of hope, I go for it, with caution of course and with lots and lots of research as well. 

And with each new opportunity, including the one I was given most recently I keep an open mind and really try to stay positive which is why I have recently agreed to try another Psychedelic remedy once again. 

Many months ago while in the process of starting my Ketamine treatments my Psychiatrist told me that he was working on a Clinical Research Trial for Psilocybin, aka “Magic Mushrooms”. It was still months away from getting underway at the time he first mentioned it to me but since he has come back from his two month leave of absence at the beginning of December it is now ready to begin and he would like very much for me to be part of the study; the first one of its kind to be approved in Canada. 

Psilocybin is a controlled substance and a chemical compound found in some types of mushrooms. Studies have shown that it may be an effective method to treat Treatment Resistant Depression, Anxiety and Suicidal thoughts and behaviours. 

I may just be a glutton for punishment or maybe I truly am a warrior. 

Magic Mushrooms (which I tried twice several years ago in a capsule form) are said to be even more intense of an experience than Ketamine but is also said to be more of a mind revealing experience as opposed to mind altering like with Ketamine which may help me to reveal things that I have blocked from my mind or have been locked away.

I have already started the process to be accepted into the trial which began with an hour and a half phone call 2 weeks ago with a researcher from the team who patiently went through a series of questions with me to ensure that I was even a candidate for the trial. Upon speaking with my Psychiatrist again a couple of days ago he was prepared to sign off on my results in order to put me in the queue of potential participants. He hopes I can start in mid to late February. 

Being that it is a research trial, my participation will involve 6 months of screening, full examination prior to start, weekly follow up visits or phone calls and blood work done periodically but the actual treatment itself is only one time (which is what led me to agree to it) on a Saturday (hopefully in February) and will take between 8 to 10 hours to complete with a post dose follow up the very next day, lasting for approximately another 4 hours.

Unlike with my Ketamine treatment I will be followed much more closely by 2 separate Psychiatrists. I will be setting intentions with a therapist on site prior to the start of treatment as well and they will also be closely monitoring me throughout the entire day of experience. 

I need to deal with my past. I want to learn how to live again and achieve some new insight into my future and quality of life. 

I want to one day be able to shout from the rooftops that I am a pretty bad ass mother fucking warrior and truly believe it.

#psilocybin #research #clinicaltrial #badass #warrior #sayalittleprayer #looktowardthefuture #magicmushrooms #treatmentresistantdepression #anxiety #suicideprevention #itsoktonotbeok #youareenough #yourmentalhealthmatters #psychedelics #warriorprincess 

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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