Is My Life Worth Living?

IS MY LIFE WORTH LIVING?

*May be triggering to some*

***Before you begin reading this please know that it’s probably the most truthful, most difficult words I have written to date. I’m not writing this for your sympathy or to scare you, I’m writing this because I need you to understand how real and scary this disease is for me and the millions of others suffering around the world***

This is a question I struggle with almost daily but most of the time they are passive thoughts.  I struggle with it when I’m anxiously lying awake late at night even though my home is peaceful and calm.  I struggle with it when I’m feeling an overwhelming sense of sadness during the day even when there is also peace and calmness surrounding me.

Recently I have been struggling a lot, recently I feel so much darkness encircling me and recently I find myself trying to answer that very question gnawing away at my insides; “Is my life worth living?”

I’m sure that if I did a poll right now the results would probably be pretty one-sided, possibly unanimous.  The answer that my depressed and anxious mind is so desperately trying to fight off, screaming so loud, almost deafening in my head would probably be refuted by both strangers and loved ones alike.  But you see, these emotions encompassing this question is like a big, fat ugly bully and his counterpart, you know, that devil who so cunningly sits on your shoulder relentlessly poking his horns in your ear while spewing out some pretty wicked dialogue.

They are telling me that I’m worthless (nothing I haven’t heard them say before) and that it’s hopeless because I’m unfixable (and if I’m gonna believe that then I probably also believe that the odds are in my favour to win the lottery next time it reaches 1.6 billion dollars too, well maybe if I lived in the States I could).  The big, fat ugly bully and his counterpart are also telling me that nothing matters, nothing at all because my illness holds all the power in my life. And they are persistently reminding me that I am a burden to my loved ones and that if I left this earth tomorrow they would all feel a sense of relief.

So does this mean that the big, fat ugly bully and his devilish little friend have given me the answer to my question?  Is my life worth living? This isn’t exactly the first time I’ve been on this merry-go-round. I have been on this ride so many times over the course of my journey; the ups, the downs and the constant feeling like I’m going to throw up as it just keeps turning around and around in circles like it’s never going to stop.

Being on the same ride over and over again makes it so easy to believe the endless utterances from that big, fat ugly bully and his ally. I never really liked the merry-go-round as a child, nor did I like it any more when I had to take my kids on them when they were little.  I mean have you seen some of those characters on those rides, they can be darn right spooky looking and who really enjoys feeling dizzy anyways?

What I want more than anything right now is to stop this merry-go-round from spinning me uncontrollably around and around in circles and in order to so I first need to find a way for that big, fat ugly bully to jump on the next ride, with his devilish little friend sitting on his shoulder relentlessly poking his evil horns in his ear instead of mine. That could be a life worth living for!

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma. View all posts by Kim Fluxgold