Becoming A Butterfly

Becoming A Butterfly

“Just when the caterpillar thought her life was over…she became a butterfly”.

The last few weeks have been exceptionally difficult for me and I have been struggling a lot.  There is never an easy answer as to why some days or weeks are harder than others even though I am very much aware of many of my triggers, but as I’m sure you all know, life is always full of surprises.  Over the past several years I have found that the month of June itself to be a very overwhelming and stressful month in general, but this one seems to be rising above the rest, and it’s only halfway through.  All of the healthy boundaries I have worked so hard to apply to my daily life recently seem to have all but disappeared.  Right now as I sit here writing this I am silently (well I guess it’s not so silently) wishing I could build a cocoon around me for protection from the world, at least that is, until I am able to become a butterfly.

The good news is, my husband has settled back into the workforce really well after a 16 month reprieve and he seems quite content.  Since he began working again just a few short weeks ago I have been trying to focus much of my attention on my creative soul.  From the time I was just a little girl I would spend countless hours writing and creating art but over the years it has become less and less of a hobby, especially once I had my own kids and they no longer showed an interest in doing art projects with me!  Being creative enables me to look at life in an entirely new perspective, it allows me to take risks and face some of my fears.  It gives me the opportunity to break away from my mundane routine and contort my thoughts toward something more positive and it also means challenging myself to attain a goal.

A lot of my inspiration nowadays comes from my journey itself (surprise, surprise) while keeping in mind that there can only be one destination in the end, so maybe by trying to rekindle my creative soul that somehow got lost along the way, then maybe, just maybe one day I will be able to become a butterfly.

Butterflies actually serve a purpose in our lives beyond their beauty; they also symbolize images of freedom, peace and life.  It’s ironic though because the only image of butterflies I have in my mind most days now are from the feeling I get when I am extremely anxious or nervous to the point where I have ‘butterflies in my stomach’.  But quite possibly this expression is really just a metaphor for what the butterfly is truly meant to represent, which is to help protect its environment, so maybe those butterflies flying around in my gut are simply just trying to protect me.

Those symbolic ‘butterflies in my stomach’ have been on this journey with me since the beginning, but everyone knows that in order for a butterfly to learn how to spread its wings and fly away it must first endure a very long and strenuous metamorphosis, much like my healing process.  The pain and struggle I have experienced over the last four years and as I continue to battle with my depression and anxiety can undeniably be compared to that of a butterfly’s life cycle.

The Larvae is the first stage of the life cycle which for me is very symbolic as it is representative of the uncertainty of my battle which also leaves me wondering daily how I somehow wound up here.  The next stage in a butterfly’s life cycle is that of the Caterpillar which clearly depicts my struggle of exhaustingly trying to figure out if there actually is a light at the end of my tunnel while continuously needing more from life and patiently fighting my feelings of being hopeless and worthless.  The third stage of the life cycle is called Chrysalis which is where my ‘I Choose Me’ mantra stems from as it is the stage that symbolizes self-awareness while trying to figure out how to emerge from my isolated and desolate life into a pathway toward health and wellness.

The final stage of course is that of becoming a butterfly.  As I think about the emergence of that butterfly in relation to me, I see it as scared, unbalanced, distressed and hurting.  The journey could not have been an easy one for the butterfly as upon its arrival it is still unsure as to where it belongs or where it should go or even how it will get there.  Its wings may be broken from its long and strenuous journey but when it finally finds that outstretched hand to perch its tired wings upon it will know that it is ready to break free from its cocoon and become a beautiful butterfly.

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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