I experienced several micro-moments of joy last night while at another summertime concert in the park, this one featuring a tribute to Elton John. It was a very welcomed reprieve from life at the moment because, you see, my depression has really felt like it’s winning lately.
It’s been feeding me vicious lie after vicious lie.
And I believe every last one of them.
It’s taken pleasure in reminding me how worthless I am.
That I hold no value in this world.
That I have failed miserably in every aspect of my life.
That I’m helpless.
That it’d be easier on everyone if…
That the world would be better off if…
It even had the audacity to try and tell me that it’s never gonna get better; that I am never gonna get better.
That last lie cuts the deepest.
Today marks 9 years since Robin Williams tragically took his own life; a day that is still very much engrained in my memory.
I’ve told the story of that evening many times before. Some pieces of it still feel very fresh in my mind. I was just 4 months into my own mental health journey the day he died. Moments before I had read the news of his passing on my phone, I’d been sitting in my car, all alone in a parking lot, my family and friends having no idea of my whereabouts (once again), contemplating my own suicide. It wasn’t the first time in that 4 month period, and it most certainly has not been the last where I have thought about or acted upon my thoughts of suicide, but it was suddenly the first time I began to truly understand the depths of my illness.
As the news quickly spread of Robin’s death, friends and family began lighting up my phone, concerned for my wellbeing and wanting to ensure I was safe. Easiest solution, I just shut it off. By now I was visibly shaken, alone and terrified and my only thought I had right after the initial shock was, “if someone of Robin Williams’ stature, who seemingly had it all could take his own life then what the heck am I waiting for?”
Those same thoughts still cloud my judgment today.
I’ve often thought how important it could be to have a scan done of my actual brain which I happened to discuss in great length yesterday afternoon with my Psychiatrist after he told me about another research study he is working on. This one thankfully doesn’t involve me taking any psychedelics or shaving my head. It only involves having a brain scan, doing bloodwork and answering questionnaires to see if they can figure out the different causes of Depression; it’s what they call “machine learning”. However, unfortunately it is still in its infant stage and could take up to a year before the study begins. But he is going to look at other avenues to have it done sooner for me.
These lies that my Depression keeps telling me are really getting the better of me this week, especially when it makes me feel like, it’s never gonna get better; that I am never gonna get better, so why bother. But I am holding on to this quote from Robin Williams, aka Mork from Ork, at the moment where he says “I don’t know how much value I have in this universe, but I do know that I’ve made a few people happier than they would have been without me, and as long as I know that, I’m as rich as I ever need to be.”
I know in my heart that my Depression lies and that maybe I’m here for a reason, a purpose and that maybe tomorrow does still need me. One thing I do know for certain is, tomorrow still needed Robin Williams and that it still needs you too!
*If you or someone you know is in crisis, help is available*#mentalhealth #depression #research #purpose #robinwilliams #suicideawareness #brainscan #tomorrowneedsyou #depressionlies #itsoktonotbeok #startaconversation #micromomentsofjoy #tgif #helpisavailable #youarenotalone
YouAreEnough 