I’ve had to take several steps back during the last few weeks of 2019 to try and figure out what I need most right now in my life in order to help me move forward into 2020. It’s been a very difficult year for both myself and my family but at the same time I certainly can’t nor won’t forget my proudest accomplishments and all the good things that have happened for me as well.
This past year has taught me so much about myself and as I enter into the new year (and decade) today and try to regain some of those baby steps forward I know that I first need to learn how to crawl before I can learn to walk or run; an important lesson we could all learn from. We may also need to be reminded as the new year begins that we should try and set small and attainable goals; not resolutions, that we need to inspire one another, that we need to lift each other up, that we need to create healthy boundaries, that we need to be kinder to each other, that we need to judge less and forgive ourselves and others more, that we need to make self-care our number one priority, that we are not alone, that we can do anything; not everything and last but certainly not least we need to never forget that YOU ARE ENOUGH!
It’s crazy to think about it but we are not only about to enter a whole new year but an entire new decade as well. It’s kinda difficult right now for me to reflect back on the last decade with joy in my heart because for more than half of the last ten years I have spent it trying to survive and well truth be told, trying to die.
I do know though that somewhere buried beneath my illness that my heart has felt a lot of pride and joy throughout the last decade from so many amazing highlights and milestones. In the past ten years we added a new addition to our family and Maggie has since filled our family with so much joy for close to nine years now. In the past ten years I’ve gotten to witness both Elementary and High School graduations galore (with one more to go in the new year!) and I have also watched all three of my children transition from pre-teens to teens and now into young adulthood as well. In the past ten years I got to plan and execute one of the greatest days of our lives with the celebration and milestone of Jacob and Hannah’s B’nai Mitzvah; a night which we were so blessed to be surrounded by so many of our loved ones. In the past ten years we have also acknowledged and celebrated many more milestone birthdays as well including the most incredible family vacation in honour of Rachel’s 13th birthday. And I will never forget nearly ten years ago being able to experience the look on my kid’s faces when we walked through the gates of Disney World all together as a family!
Those are only a handful of the incredible highlights and milestones from the last ten years and there have been countless more but as I mentioned above it’s kinda difficult for me to feel the joy in my heart through the shattered glass of my illness when more than half of this current decade has been spent just trying to get through each day; basically I live each day in survival mode where the end goal is trying to avoid having a bad day.
I never want to erase the incredible memories I’ve made during the last ten years and I certainly never want to forget the many successes either so as I enter into the next year and decade I will take with me what I have learned over this past year in order to make room for joy in my heart. I have learned so much about myself this past year alone and one of my greatest successes this year was being able to accept that if some days all I can do is survive, then that’s one step closer to joy. We all deserve to feel joy in our hearts and maybe I needed this past decade to teach me how.
Wishing you all good health, joy and much success for 2020!
We spent the last few days with our friends at their cottage. My kids have grown up here and have had so many amazing adventures and made so many equally amazing memories there both in the summer and winter months. All that was missing from this trip to the cottage was Jacob who thought going to Florida with some of his friends over the winter break would be way more fun; silly boy (see pic of him photoshopped in all the way from Miami Beach)! But alas we still managed to have fun without him, especially snow tubing because it’s not like he can do that in Florida lol!
Aside from the kids (and dads) going snow tubing (are they still considered kids when two of them are 17 and two of them are 20?) we cooked a big hearty breakfast one morning, made a fajita bar one night and Rachel brought her delicious homemade vegan mac and cheese with for all of us to enjoy as well. We ate, we drank, we played games, we chased after 2 tiny, adorable but very loud dogs, we ate some more, we drank some more, we built a gingerbread house, we watched old tv shows, we celebrated Chanukah, we ate again, we drank again, we curled up by the fire and we watched a movie together.
When trying to agree on a movie to watch that all of us could enjoy together I figured was going to turn into an hour long debate and we’d end up watching nothing but within minutes we had all agreed on one. It was not a movie that you would think any one of us would have wanted to see except maybe for the nostalgia of it (and I’m all about nostalgia) but we were all in the mood for something that may not require a great deal of concentration (it turned out that it kinda did but was still worth it!) Yes “Dora (The Explorer) And The Lost City of Gold” was the winner and the nostalgia of the “kids” kinder years won all of our hearts, but what I also loved was the important message portrayed throughout the movie that led me to shout out while watching it, “I feel a blog coming on!”
Our families have blended together through thick and thin for over 17 years now and when we all get together we are like one big family. We never have to pretend to be someone we’re not when we are together, we never have to feel like we can’t be our true authentic self when we are together, we never have to wear a mask when we are together and we never have to act a certain way when we are together.
Dora showed us throughout the movie how important it is to be yourself and that being your true authentic self should never mean sacrificing who you are in order to make friends or keep them. She also taught us that we should never allow others to change who we are, that we should live life on our own terms and those who truly matter will embrace all of you, quirks and all. And she reminded us that true friendship is like a unicorn: “something that is highly desirable but difficult to find”, so when you do find it remember to hold on tight!
The two most important things that I have learned along my journey would probably have to be from the day I decided 3 years ago to share my story and in doing so I have found out who my tribe truly is.
I began to write about my journey in private and slowly I began to whisper it softly in close quarters but when I actually started to shout it from the rooftop my tribe gathered and now it’s overflowing with so much kindness and compassion.
Over the last five and a half years I’ve been rejected by some, I’ve been judged by others and I’ve been the topic of many hurtful conversations behind my back but I no longer hold those people in my heart. I have learned to let it go because I know that I have such an amazing tribe rooting for me now and even though you may not always understand what I am feeling you still just want to be a part of my life and learn together, you still just want to hold my hand or give me a hug (even if it’s virtual) and you still just want to listen to me or just stand beside me with no strings attached because that’s what a tribe does for one another. And just knowing how much my own story has helped so many others to gather their own tribe too means that none of us have to walk through this journey alone.
I try not to divulge too much information about my family as I have always said that their stories are not mine to share but today I feel like I need to share maybe a teeny bit in order for others to feel like they are not alone.
I’ve witnessed my child breakdown in his first year of University upon coming to the realization that the program he had worked so hard to get into was not in fact what he wanted for his future. I’ve witnessed my child begin to panic about her future 3 years into her degree upon realizing that she needs to start figuring out what she wants to do with the rest of her life sooner rather than later and I am now witnessing my child in grade 12 feverishly working day and night on several different art portfolios in order to submit them to various schools in the next 7 weeks in hopes of being accepted into her dream program for next September.
I’ve witnessed holes being punched into walls, I’ve witnessed overwhelm, I’ve witnessed sadness, I’ve witnessed anxiety and panic, I’ve witnessed silent cries for help, I’ve witnessed disappointment, I’ve witnessed frustration, I’ve witnessed fear, I’ve witnessed anger and I’ve witnessed vulnerability in the last several years. As a parent this is truly heartbreaking when you are left feeling helpless to their pain and knowing that all you can do is try and lift them up, guide them and hope that everything will be okay even though you can’t really know for sure.
For many of our youth today we may not be enough especially when they are living remotely in another city, province (state) or even further. Many are often too scared to ask for help for fear of being judged or ridiculed by their Professors, their peers or even their own families and for those who do find the strength to reach out for help are often being turned away because our University and Colleges don’t have enough supports in place to handle the growing epidemic on campuses both near and far.
Over the last several years I have listened closely to other frightened and concerned parents tell me about their child’s feelings of overwhelm, their anxiety and their depressive behaviours due to the pressures and frustrations of University, many of whom may be living away from home for the first time and are also feeling vulnerable and abandoned by the lack of programs and supports in place for them. And sadly I have also read countless stories about yet another child who took their own life because they may have succumbed to that said pressure and frustration.
Our youth are under too much pressure today feeling the need to keep up with their peers and sometimes there is a huge feeling of pressure when trying to satisfy their parent’s expectations of them and of course there is the pressure from society in general who often imply that a University degree is the be all and end all. It seems like every other week I am reading another story about another suicide on our University campuses, including this past week and it is beyond devastating.
Last month I read a news article about a University of Toronto student who had reached out for help when she was experiencing suicidal thoughts just days after news broke that another student at their sister campus had taken their life. The way in which the mental health support team handled the situation left this student feeling more like a criminal and even further traumatized when she found herself being handcuffed and arrested by the campus police for divulging the location in which she had planned to die.
The University of Toronto just made the top 20 list of the best Universities in the world! Not just in Canada, not just in North America but the entire fricken world!! That is quite an incredible feat and although they deserve it for excelling in teaching, research and international outlook, they are more than lacking in the area of compassion for mental health.
But they are not alone as there is not enough training and support to go around for the amount of students in crisis and in need of urgent care. This student was told right before the mental health support worker called the police for fear she may harm herself or someone else that it will most likely take several months for her to see a doctor/therapist. Something needs to be done and fast! How many more students have to die before proper support is put into place to help them? We need to do better, I know we can. Please continue to follow my journey at: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868 #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #startaconversation #dontsufferinsilence #yourmentalhealthmatters #endthestigmatogether #youareenough #bekindtoyourself #checkonyourlovedones #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #suicideprevention #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #advocateforchange #ouryouthdeservebetter Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.
Today my depression had tipped the scale at an eleven on a scale of one to ten. So on a day when I needed to be reminded that I have to keep going and that I can’t give up I opened the mail to find this letter. It is a reminder that I will hold close to my heart knowing how much love and support I have in my life and truly the greatest friendships anyone could ever ask for. 💓💕💓💕
YouAreEnough 
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