Tag: accountability

Welcome To My World

I haven’t slept much all week (it’s well after 3 am as I write this) but it’s not like that’s really out of the ordinary for me anyways (I write some of my best shit at 3 am). Life has been anything but ordinary this week for any of us as we try to collectively navigate our way  through our new way of life and learn a whole new lingo while we’re at it. 

I mean it’s not every day that the only words we hear on the street, on the news or on Facebook are words like State of Emergency, Lockdown, Quarantine, Self Isolation and Social Distancing. It actually feels quite ironic to me because as someone who suffers with Depression, Anxiety and Suicidal  thoughts these words have pretty much defined my life for the last 6 years already.
My illness makes me react to everything like I’m in a State of Emergency, it’s left me in Lockdown too many times to count, it’s paralyzed me with fear to the point that I’ve needed to quarantine, I’ve felt the need to self isolate when others make me feel like I am contagious and of course whenever I’m in a big crowd (like over 10 people) I am left begging for some much needed social distancing.

Suddenly the whole world knows what it feels like to be held in captivity, suddenly the whole world knows what it feels like when you feel you have no control over anything, suddenly the whole world knows what it feels like to have crazy, f#*ked up thoughts day and night, suddenly the whole world knows what it feels like to feel helpless and sad every single day while trying to make others understand that none of us chose or would ever willingly choose to live this way. Suddenly the whole world knows what it feels like to suffer with Anxiety and Depression every day. And now imagine navigating through all that lingo for 6 very long years or even more. 

I have found myself writing a lot more than normal over the past week or so and posting way more than I ordinarily do but as I said above, these are far from ordinary times. I find writing is the only thing that’s keeping me going right now. My mind is so fricken cluttered with negative thoughts and writing is the best way to let my creativity explode and let that negative thinking explode  too. I’m feeling extremely closed in (which I’m sure most of you are) and I’ve shed more tears this week than I thought was possible but writing and sharing help give me some clarity. 

Sometimes I write in the hope of making you laugh, sometimes I write in the hope of distracting you, sometimes I write in the hope of engaging you in conversation, sometimes I write in hope of making you feel less alone, sometimes I write in hope of keeping you grounded or mindful and often I write just because it’s the only way of socially distancing myself from the State of Emergency going down in my head!

#depressionkills #anxietyisreal #suicide #mentalillness #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #writing #blogger #blogging #togetherapart #covid19 #coronavirus #checkonyourlovedones #socialdistancing #stateofemergency #pandemic #overwhelm 

Look Up At The Sky

If you’re feeling lonely, vulnerable, isolated, anxious or afraid (or maybe all of them) right now then take a step outside for a moment and look up at the sky above you (wherever you are day or night) and know that no matter where you are in the world that we all share the same beautiful sky. So reach your hands up in the air as high up as you can, close your eyes, take a deep breath and imagine for a moment the whole world united by that same beautiful sky.

#whatdoesyourskylooklike #mindfulness #wereallinthistogether #covid19 #coronavirus #selflove #youareenough #socialdistancing #youarenotalone #bekindtoyourself #checkonyourlovedones #anxiety #depression #family #friendship #dontsufferinsilence #yourmentalhealthmatters #unitedasone

A Beautiful “Pick Me Up”

A beautiful “pick me up” email I received today on what feels otherwise very sombering. I always love receiving emails from Amazon informing me that I’ve just sold a book, but when I see that one person/organization bought 5 at one time makes my heart overflow with joy.

#wheredidmommyssmilego #amazondotca #author #youareenough #startaconversation #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #blogger #advocate #mentalillness #mentalhealth #depression #family

State of Emergency

*May Be Triggering*


Just a few short months ago my husband was working for a company which is owned and operated in China. When the Coronavirus first hit China, several employees in his office were frequently travelling back and forth from there for both business and pleasure. The virus was still so new, so uncertain and seemingly so far away from this side of the world but precautions were immediately put into place and employees returning from China were being asked to stay home for a week and then eventually two. 

But still it seemed so far out of our reach and not so serious, especially when the employees coming back from China didn’t seem too phased by what was happening just more inconvenienced and bothered than anything else for being told to self quarantine.

So for me and probably millions of others who continued to go about their normal daily routines, just keeping one eye on the news reports, but feeling no real sense of urgency thousands of miles away; suddenly all that changed in what felt like the blink of that same eye that had been passively watching the news from a world away.

I wrote a blog just ten short days ago on March 7, 2020 titled “Should I Add It To My List?” where I mentioned how I was not allowing the Pandemic to get the better of me even after it was declared a “Global Pandemic”. I already have enough stress, overwhelm and anxiety in my life to sink a ship but I wasn’t worried about contracting the virus or that my loved ones would either and I didn’t run out panic buying toilet paper or concerning myself with all the fake news reports I was reading but as you know a lot has changed since I wrote that blog.

The world is literally changing minute by minute now, right before our eyes and with each passing moment there is more and more cause for concern, more and more uncertainty and more and more desperation. But it wasn’t until I saw the devastation unfold in Italy that it truly made this feel so real as to how quickly things can go from bad to beyond imaginable. 

I am feeling more and more helpless and completely unfocused or motivated with each passing moment and yes I have tried to turn away from the news but it’s like watching a horror movie when you try to look away but you find yourself hiding under the blanket with one eye peering out from under it; I know I’m not alone in feeling this way. The devastation our world is in right now is alarming, disappointing and yes it’s downright inconvenient to billions around the globe and not to mention right in our own backyard.

Because of the uncertain state of the world right now my youngest daughter is at home instead of enjoying her March Break with her friends on her Grade 12 Graduation trip they had been planning for their entire High School career and what’s even worse than that, with all this uncertainty going on will she even be able to attend her Prom or walk across the stage to receive her High School Diploma in June? 

And this devastation has left many people unable to work, many possibly unable to pay bills or put enough food on their table because businesses are closing their doors and nobody can really say for how long at this point. And if you’re in search of a job right now all together as my husband is, well that just adds a whole other set of uncertainty and fear into the mix. 

We are all dealing with so many mixed emotions and so much uncertainty, inconvenience and disappointment are among those emotions that we are dealing with but it’s perfectly okay to feel them all. We are only human after all; angry, frightened humans. 

But today I also find myself wondering if the world will ever be able to bounce back from this, will we ever fully recover like we have with other Pandemics (all without the aid of social media), will life as we once knew it ever be the same again? Well maybe it’s better if it’s not, maybe if we are lucky enough, when this is all over, we will be left with a gentler, kinder and more united world to live in. It’s St. Patrick’s Day after all, so let’s all go searching today for that four leaf clover in a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow and make a darn good wish when you find it! 

#pandemic #stpatricksday #stateofemergency #luckoftheirish #socialdistancing #selfcare #coronavirus #covid19 #checkonyourlovedones #youareenough #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #potofgold #rainbow

Life is a Gamble

Boy did I pick the wrong decade to quit smoking. I came very close to caving today, probably the closest I’ve come in the 2 months since quitting. My mental health has gotten the best of me. I went to the store today where I’ve been buying my cigarettes for years, the woman working behind the counter asked me how I am doing and of course the tears began flowing down my cheeks as I stood there staring right through her at the shelving of cigarettes mounted to the wall above her head. I wiped away my tears, took a deep breath and decided maybe winning the lottery was a better choice for me today instead.

#ourluckhastochange #lottomax #olg #lottery #addictions #cravings #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #covid19 #coronavirus #anxiety #depression #masksoff #smokefree #sixtytwodays

We Could All Use A Time-Out

I kinda joked yesterday morning on social media that it was a great day to stay in bed because it was Friday the 13th and seeing that the world was in total chaos already it may be a good idea to do so. Boy do I wish that I had listened to my own advice because yesterday turned out to be a really difficult day, not what I will be sharing with you today. 

Now that the world has somewhat collectively hit the pause button for the time being it seems like the perfect time for us to take that time-out that I half heartedly joked about yesterday morning.

Time-outs aren’t just good for kids you know and seeing what is going on right now it couldn’t be a better time for one. I think we could all use a moment or two to “cool off”, I mean seriously have you seen the behaviour from some of us so called adults this week? 

Timeouts are a great opportunity to teach kids some valuable lessons but right now we adults could probably learn a thing or two from the kids out there before we all completely lose our minds. 

Taking a time-out is simple, although not always easy especially if you are in a full on temper tantrum. But the main goal for us to accomplish while we sit for a few moments in our time-out chair is to cool off, reflect and re-enter ready to effectively deal with whatever conflict has arisen.
You may need more than a few minutes of time-out depending how conflicted or angry you are feeling and it’s okay and I’m sure you have good reason too, unless of course it’s from fighting with someone in the grocery store over toilet paper! 

We are all genuinely feeling more frustrated than normal, more anxious than normal, more sadness than normal, more disappointed than normal and definitely more annoyed than normal all of which can turn to anger and much of which can turn toward others who we love.  

So take that time-out; maybe go for a walk, go meet a friend for a quick coffee, go punch a punching bag. Have your tantrum, sit in your time-out chair and cool off because right now more than ever we all need to be able to stand united to conquer the biggest conflict we are facing together and we can’t do it if we are trapped while waiting in a long line at the grocery store to buy toilet paper that someone else needs more than we do.

#adults #conflict #anger #tantrums #tempertantrum #timeout #youareenough #covid19 #anxiety #breathe 

Anxious over Corona

Yesterday was a difficult day for many and I know that there was alot to take in and that new information was being thrown at us from every news source; pretty much on an hourly basis. So it’s perfectly understandable that our level of anxiety may be higher than normal today. This is all very unprecedented territory and still very much unknown. I have compiled a list (through several Mental Health Experts) of some ways for us to cope with this type of anxiety. 

1.Take a break from the news or limit the amount of time you spend watching it, and try to filter it out online. Also please remember that half of what is being shared on Social Media is not always the truth.
2. Talk to someone (or text) about how you are feeling. Sorting out your emotions and feeling supported by loved ones is so helpful. Keeping your feelings bottled up will only cause you to  spiral further. 
3. Try to be present in the moment. If you are feeling anxious about catching the virus just let yourself know that right now there is no immediate threat to you and use lots of positive affirmations to remind yourself that you are safe.
4. Start journaling and writing down your thoughts and feelings of gratitude.

It’s ok to feel anxious or angry, or have difficulty sleeping or concentrating but the best thing we can all do right now is to keep washing our hands and following all the required steps to try and stay healthy for ourselves and our loved ones and remember that not every cough and sneeze means someone has Corona!

#selfcare #washyourhands #checkonyourlovedones #talktosomeome #justthefacts #coronavirus #covid19 #anxiety #youareenough  #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #pandemic #overwhelm #vulnerability #mindfulness

Love Thy Neighbour


Envy

I was speaking with someone the other day about how overwhelmed, disconnected and alone she is feeling. I listened as she opened up to me about how she is struggling with so much self-doubt in her every day life when it comes to her role as a mom, a wife, a daughter and friend (pretty much me on a daily basis). She continued to open up to me by telling me that she has become quite envious of her neighbour’s life. Before letting me know her reasons for feeling so envious of her neighbour she prefaced it by saying that she felt embarrassed for even thinking this way, and especially for saying it out loud. But we should never have to apologize for our feelings and there is certainly no right or wrong way of doing so.

Depression can be triggered by so many different emotions and I bet most of you would never think that envy could be part of that list, but it most definitely is and it most definitely can be both toxic and detrimental to our mental health and wellness even if it is a very normal human emotion.

She explained to me (not that she needed to) that her kitchen window and her neighbour’s kitchen window are across from one another and that she has a bird’s eye view into her neighbour’s life. What she sees through her kitchen window on a daily basis is how much love and support the matriarch of the family (who is a stay-at-home mom) has in her life whether it be from her husband who prepares dinners to her nanny helping her with her kids or from her sister who often drops by for a visit; just because.

Envy as you know is a cross between jealousy and anger and it assumes that someone else’s life is way better than our own. It is “the art of counting another’s blessings” instead of being grateful for what we already have in our life which creates jealousy or anger toward that someone else. Envy can also caste a shadow over our own successes and accomplishments and often draws many conclusions or untruths about others, so for an individual like myself who suffers with Depression and Anxiety, it only raises the bar for feeling even more inadequate than usual. 

We may think that we know what’s going on in someone else’s “kitchen” which can bring about feelings of self-doubt and self-hatred and question our own self-worth on a whole new level but it’s all just another big fat lie that our illness tells us. Everyone struggles at something or with something and nobody’s life is perfect. What we see when we peek through that window when no one is watching will probably tell a much different story. I have said this time and time again, even the most famous and wealthiest people on this planet have struggles and that all the money and all the luxuries in the world cannot and will never fix that.

I encouraged my friend that now would be the perfect time to start journaling more as she has been wanting to do so and says she finds that it helps her sort through so many of her emotions when she puts her thoughts and feelings down on paper (I can’t agree more). I also mentioned to her that maybe while she is journaling it’s probably best if she dims the lights and close the drapes in her kitchen!

#lovethyneighbor #envy #selfcare #selfworth #ichooseme #masksoff #youareenough #startaconversation #youarenotalone #checkonyourstrongfriends #bekindtoyourself #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #journaling #blogging

International Women’s Day

You don’t need someone to bring you flowers, you can pick them for yourself! Who deserves the title of super-HER-o in your life?

#happyinternationalwomensday #youareenough #equality #wearebrave #wearestrong #beyou #empowerment #beempowered  #bekindtoyourself #chooseselfcare #selflove #ichooseme #metoo #imperfectlyperfect #justbecause

An Evening of Spiritual Healing

I often have very good intentions by setting my mind on a task or by making a plan to do something in advance but then my illness tries to make other plans for me instead and last night was no exception. I was determined however to not let my illness stop me from attending a Healing Service at a Synagogue in Toronto that I’ve had in my calendar for the last couple of months and thanks to Rich I made it. We had originally planned to attend the January service but unfortunately it was just a few days after my concussion happened and so I made a promise to myself that I would make it to the next one, which was last night. 

The Healing Services are part of the Centre for Spiritual Well-Being at the Synagogue and are meant to help those of us who “feel broken, turn to our tradition for strength and renewal” and “enrich our lives and strive for a sense well-being.”

Along my journey I have had the privilege of meeting many incredible people, some of whom have left an everlasting impact on my life in some way or another and the Rabbi leading  the Healing Services has quickly become one of those incredible people for whom have left an everlasting impact on my life. She is a true Spiritual Leader with so much empathy and kindness in her heart.

I am not a religious person by any means, in fact if you follow my blogs religiously (that is what I call a play on words!) you will know that both my husband and I have struggled to find a place for God in our lives over the last several years but since meeting Rabbi Fryer Bodzin this past fall I have definitely found a place in my heart for Spiritual Healing. 

Spiritual Healing (which is not defined by one religion or by one God) is more about finding a connection to something greater than ourselves and could be in a form of friendship, or being part of a community or even by a higher power. Spiritual Healing can help revitalize both our body and mind and also help us to find more meaning and purpose in our life.

I felt a sense of belonging last night, I felt a sense of friendship last night, I felt a sense of community last night and I even felt a sense of a higher power last night; a very loving and caring one as we delved into “The Mindful Way To Happiness”. 

With Purim being less than a week away the Healing Service tied into the spirit of the holiday and the meaning behind the month of Adar which is the month in which Purim takes place on the Jewish Calendar. When you think of Purim you can’t help but feel happy and the month of Adar is meant for us to  “increase in joy and happiness”.  

I spent the evening listening and being mindful. I took comfort in hearing stories of other people’s healing. I heard reflections of how to face adversity and fear in the face, how important it is to seize the moment and how pursuing our dreams is key to finding happiness, something which has been a very big struggle for me along my journey.

I chose to sit quietly and just observe last night, soaking it all in because I quickly became overwhelmed with emotion and found myself fighting back tears for the better part of the evening. But as the evening was coming to a close and Rabbi Fryer Bodzin led us through one last exercise, a mindfulness one, she had me smiling from ear to ear.
 
#spiritualhealing #healing #rabbi #spiritualleader #purim #adar #spring #joyful #happiness #mindfulness #kindness #empathy #bethtzedeccongregation #youareenough #mentalillness #wellbeing #mentalwellness #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #depression #anxiety