YouAreEnough

I’ve needed a few days to process an appointment I had on Monday with yet another specialist. It was a really emotional one, and my emotions have been all over the place all week.

Over the last year, I’d lost all hope of finding a way forward through all the trauma my body has endured since my participation in the Psilocybin Research Trial three years ago this past April. I had made up my mind at some point late last year that I would just have to continue to endure the pain and live with it, as difficult as that felt. I was done pursuing answers after every countless referral had turned into a dead end, some of whom never even gave me a chance to see them before being declined due to the complexity of my symptoms. 

But then, a few weeks ago my Psychiatrist spoke to a colleague of his, asking if he’d see me after sharing my story with him, he agreed, and pushed me to the top of his very long waitlist. He is a neurologist who specializes in “movement disorders”. I never knew that there were so many different kinds of neurologists!

A movement neurologist has advanced training in disorders that impact the nervous system’s control of muscles and movement. Some of the most well-known disorders that they treat are Parkinson’s, Tourettes, Restless Leg Syndrome, and Tics/Tremors. 

My symptoms fall perfectly into the last category. That, along with all the other symptoms that have plagued my body for the last 3 years, including constant tingling in my hands and feet, numbness, brain zaps, a strong sensitivity to noise and touch and of course the most unbearable one of all, PGAD.

Driving to my appointment Monday morning, I began to second guess my decision to meet with the doctor, telling myself it’s just gonna be another dead-end or waste of time. I was super anxious that all he would do is recommend some medication and send me on my way or worse, tell me the same thing I heard 3 years earlier from a “Functioning Neurologist” specialist who saw me over zoom and told me that a circuit broke in my brain the day of the clinical trial and that hopefully it will fix itself. News flash; it hasn’t. 

My appointment went better than I could have imagined. It was emotional—no doubt about that—but I walked out with something I hadn’t felt in a long time: a glimmer of hope.

He saw me. He heard me. He watched my tics and tremors with his own eyes, and he didn’t question or dismiss what I was going through. Just compassion, clarity, and validation.

Before I left his office, he had a treatment plan in place. He understood right away that medication and deep brain stimulation weren’t the right fit for me—for so many reasons—and he didn’t push. Instead, he had other plans. Real ones. Thoughtful ones. Tailored for me.

I go back to see him in a couple of months to start my treatment. I don’t have all the answers yet. I won’t know for what could be 6 months or so if it will help, even a little.  He was truly a saint, and so too was his assistant. 

Before my appointment wrapped up, he wanted to voice his concerns about my recent diagnosis of a genetic disorder called Neurofibromatosis, something I shared with you all not too long ago. Over the last while I have been consumed by it as it continues to worsen. My Doctor had put a referral into a Neurofibromatosis clinic in Toronto, the only one of its kind in Canada. The movement neurologist sees some parallels in so many of my neurological issues and Neurofibromatosis and he wants me to be seen by the clinic as soon as possible, so he overrided my doctor’s referral and put one in to the clinic himself. He felt that coming from.a neurologist, it would help speed the process up. Recently I met someone on line who told me they waited 2 years for an appointment. Today I received an email for a phone consultation with the same clinic for mid September. It may only be a phone consult to start, but I’d say 3 days after the referral went in is pretty impressive. 

I’m still processing all of this, but for the first time in a long time…I don’t feel so alone on this path.

#movementneurologist #neurology #hope #youarenotalone #glimmerofhope #youareenough #tics #tremors #neurology #Neurofibromatosis 

The clouds moved out, and the sun moved in after a torrential downpour this morning, opening the door for today’s #summerofrich adventure. 

There’s something about the stillness in the air after a rainfall. I think it’s nature’s way of telling us to take pause, to breathe, and to begin anew.

We started with a short and peaceful hike through the forest, over the boardwalk and along the water’s edge, soaking in the post-rain calm.

Then we headed to a nearby lavender farm where we walked through endless rows of lavender in full bloom, stretching into the horizon. It happens to be one of my favourite summertime escapes.

The calming scents. The colours. The sunshine. The beauty. The quiet. It never gets old. 

Wandering the fields, the world somehow always slows down long enough to remind me how healing it is to stay grounded, to be present, and to feel grateful for these moments.


#naturestherapy #lavender #scents #beauty #grounded #healing #lavenderfarm #beingpresent #grateful #summertimeescape #calm #summerstorm #afterthestorm #infullbloom #breathe #renewal #youareenough @kelsolavender

It feels like just yesterday you were a precocious, mischievous little tot with more energy than a dog chasing its tail. Always on the go, always curious, always keeping us on our toes. 


Now, today, you are 27. And although you are still always on the go, still always curious, and still always keeping us on our toes, watching you grow into an incredibly witty, fearless, resilient, handsome, confident, hardworking young man has been one of the greatest gifts of my life and for whom I am endlessly proud of. My first born. The one who made me a mom. 


Keep shining your bright light on the world, keep chasing your dreams, keep living every day to its fullest, keep showing up, and keep being exactly who you are, because who you are is pretty amazing. Don’t ever forget that!!

Wishing you a year filled with an abundance of laughter and everything you love.


I love you to the moon and back, forever and a day. 


#birthdayboy #happybirthday #27 #firstborn #hemademeamom #makeawish #dreamoutloud   

Another beautiful summer night, good friends and Neil Diamond music in the park. Neil was actually the first concert I ever went to when I was just 10 years old. It left a lasting impression, and I’ve loved him ever since.

His music has that nostalgic, feel-good quality that brings people together.

Listening to Neil’s greatest hits tonight under the summer sky sparked a lifetime of memories, including from that first concert, decades ago.

One funny one in particular. With the innocence of childhood on my side,  I remember turning to my mother sitting beside me and asking her what that funky smell was in the stadium. Spoiler alert, it wasn’t incense!!!

Music really does bring memories back to life.

What was the first concert you ever went to?

#concertsinthepark #millpond #neildiamond #thejazzsinger #summertime #friends #memories #nostalgia #mentalhealth #music

I know you’re feeling really anxious and overwhelmed today.


Some days feel heavier than others. You know the ones I’m talking about; like when just getting out of bed, or quieting the noise in your head, or the weight of everything become impossible battles. 


It’s on those days when showing yourself love and kindness also feel impossible.  


But I see you trying. 


Trying to be gentle with yourself. 


Reminding yourself that you’re doing the best you can, even if it doesn’t look like much to someone else. 


This is me, in the middle of it. Patient with my healing and worthy of the same love I so freely give away. 


Not okay all the time. But still here.


Self-love isn’t always loud, but “it’s the one accessory that never goes out of style.”


#dearme #anxious #overwhelmed #stilltrying #stillhere #begentlewithyourself #kindness #selflove #itsoktonotbeokay #youareenough #youareworthy 

With Canada Day falling on a Tuesday this year, the whole week felt completely out of whack. Monday felt like Friday. Tuesday felt like Sunday. And Wednesday, well, Wednesday felt just like it was Monday. It may have been a short week on the calendar, but somehow, it managed to feel painfully long. 


The disorientation of which day of the week it was didn’t stop there. It was one of those weeks filled with emotional landmines, unexpected triggers due to some personal issues, and a flood of BIG, overwhelming, negative feelings. It’s been the kind of week where I found myself having to navigate both internal and external struggles, and anxiety and panic attacks, all the while, managing those BIG, overwhelming, negative feelings without the help of an off button. I feel like I’ve been holding the weight of a heavy tree branch, ready to snap at any moment. 


But, it’s Friday, and for real this time!! And with it comes a tiny light at the end of the tunnel. 


One of the many things I’ve come to appreciate most about my new job is that I only work half days on Fridays, and not just in the summer! And today, after the week I’ve had, it finally feels like someone is trying to extend a branch to me, one that is deeply rooted and strong.


As soon as my workday was done today, I headed home. I couldn’t think of a better way to ease into my busy weekend ahead than with a little sunshine in my backyard, taking time to myself to quiet the noise in my head and watch my cherry tree blossom. 


It’s amazing how healing the simple things in life can be when everything feels so heavy.


This week has tested me, no doubt, but today, I am reminded just how important it is to take time to pause and reset. 

As I lay in the summer sun, with Maggie taking to the shade, staring at our cherry tree, standing tall, in full bloom again after the harshness of winter, I felt a longing and admiration. A wish that my heart and mind could magically blossom so effortlessly and gracefully like my cherry tree. 


Some days, I feel more grounded. Other days, I feel like that branch that is holding too much weight, unsure how it will hold on. Today, as I took pause, there was a gentle promise in the air that reminded me that life, no matter how heavy it’s feels sometimes, will always have the capability to bloom.

I hope you all can find some time today to pause and reset, too.


Shabbat Shalom, everyone 💛

 

#pause #reset #tgif #mentalhealth #wellbeing #shabbatshalom #weekend #longweek #shortweek #depression #anxiety #triggers #bigemotions #panicattacks #itsoktonotbeok #youareenough #selfcare #cherrytree #bloom




   

Today, we set out on a magnificent #summerofrich hike. Taking advantage of the stunning weather, immersing in the beauty of our surroundings and impressive rock formations, climbing some pretty wicked terrain, and exploring awe-inspiring caves. Some of the coolest we’ve ever seen. They even felt 30 degrees cooler than the actual temperature outside. 

Rachel joined us for our special Canada Day adventure today, which was an added bonus, and on the way home from our hike, we made a pit stop at a local strawberry farm and market.

It’s hard to ignore the beauty and awe of this country we have always so proudly called home, surrounded by its vast landscapes, quiet lakes and our freedom, but trying to stay grounded in all the beauty and awe as a Jew in Canada at the moment feels harder and most difficult to ignore as hate and antisemitism rise high above our proudly waving Canadian flag.

I have always been proud to be Canadian, but our freedom feels fragile now as the rising intolerance is so widely accepted by our leaders. 

But today, I choose to stand strong and proud. Unshaken as a Jewish Canadian citizen. Grateful through the brokenness, to keep showing up, and speaking out, for it’s moments like today, which remind us what is worth holding on to. Together, with our strength and resilience, we will rise again to a place where our proud maple leaf waves high above for everyone. 

✡️🎗

 

#canadaday #hiking #canadianflag #mapleleaf #antisemitism #intolerance #hate #standtall #speakingout #caves #nature #mentalhealth #beauty #resilience #brokenness #adventure #freedom

Pool days spent with family and friends is something I truly love. I think I may have been a fish in my past life. I can spend hours in a pool, IF the temperature is just right. But behind the sunshine, the laughter and the connection I feel when I’m with my loved ones poolside on a warm summer’s day, there is a quiet struggle I carry with me.

I’ve battled body and self-image issues my entire adult life, something I’ve shared quite openly many times before. An eating disorder that began when I was 18 years old and has reared its ugly head in many other forms ever since. 

A few months ago, followed by a biopsy, I was finally formally diagnosed with Neurofibromatosis after a lifetime of living with a nameless disorder. Over time, this condition has only added another whole layer to my body-conscious challenges I already deal with on a daily basis as the tumours become more and more visible with each passing day, the older I get. 

I regularly notice the changes. It’s hard not to be self-conscious. I feel like everyone is always staring at me. It makes it really difficult to enjoy the warmer weather when my skin is most exposed. I find myself trying to shrink out of sight often.

But, still, I am learning to show up anyway. To not let the shame define me. There is no argument that my body, and mind have both been through hell and back over the last decade, but I am trying to be more gentle with myself by making space for the joy, even when it’s hard. 

“Confidence isn’t about perfection. It’s about power.” ~ unknown, and it’s about embracing your story, your scars, and your strength by showing up despite your perfectly imperfect imperfections.

#summertime #bodyimage #selfimage #Neurofibromatosis #poolside #family #youareenough #eatingdisorders #perfectlyimperfect #confidence #mentalhealth #depression #anxiety 

It was a perfect summer day for a beautiful #summerofrich hike to the top of the Niagara Escarpment. 

My mental and physical health are always grateful for the stillness in my mind, the strength in my body, the stunning views, and the reset. 

It’s days like today I’m reminded just how healing nature truly is.

#nature #niagaraescarpment #healing #mentalhealth #physicalhealth #hiking #stillness #stunningviews #reset #bodyandmind #summervibes 

Today, I am honouring the strength and resilience of those living with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder on this, “National PTSD Awareness Day.”

PTSD is a mental illness, one of many that are often misunderstood. Many people who suffer from PTSD suffer behind a brave face, in silence, and too afraid to speak up due to the stigma attached. 

I am here to tell you that no matter its cause, whether from being witness to or experiencing a traumatic event yourself, its impact is oh so real.

Trauma does not discriminate, and neither does PTSD. Nor should it ever be seen as a weakness. 

Today and every day, PTSD deserves understanding, empathy, compassion, kindness, and a listening ear; without judgment.

Let today be a reminder to anyone suffering with PTSD that you are seen, that you are not alone, that it’s okay to not be okay, that you are enough, and that your story and healing journey matter.

If you or anyone you know is struggling, please reach out for support. Help is always available. 

In Canada and the US, please call 9-8-8. 

Feel free to share my post to bring as much awareness as we can today, and together, let’s end the stigma.

#nationalptsdawarenessday #trauma #endthestigmatogether #mentalhealth #mentalillness #wellbeing #youarenotalone #youareenough #yourjourneymatters #strength #resilience #988