YouAreEnough

Yesterday afternoon, after our plans with friends fell through, we instinctively shifted gears and slipped into hiking mode.

Before heading out, I found myself staring at my running list of trails, taking distance and time into consideration since it was a bit later start than usual. This list has been my go-to for years now. It’s ever-changing, always evolving. I am constantly adding cool new spots to explore and crossing off others once we’ve completed them.  

Something quiet inside nudged me toward one particular trail, and I’m so glad I trusted that pull because what unfolded next was far more meaningful than I could have ever imagined.

A couple of kilometers into our hike, I wandered slightly off the trail for a moment to catch a glimpse of a really beautiful view. The next thing I knew, I was tangled in a spider’s web. With instant regret, I stood there squirming and brushing myself off while Rich laughed and shook his head in disbelief. As I regrouped, he wandered over to a nearby bench where he noticed a dog sitting with its owner. What first caught his eye was how much the dog resembled Maggie (our dog!). What happened next made us both take pause.

When I finally joined him at the bench, Rich was already engaged in conversation with the dog’s owner, Shelly. His name was Niko. The bench itself immediately stood out. You could tell it was new, with a shiny plaque dedicated to someone who had passed away sometime this past year.

Something I may have not shared before, but Rich and I stop at nearly every bench we come across on our #summerofrich adventures, reading their dedications, always curious about their stories, while quietly reflecting on the lives behind the plaques or engravings. 

As our conversation deepened, Shelly felt safe enough to share with us that this bench, and the plaque upon it—were in honour of her beloved husband Alejandro, who had died just this past March from a short but courageous battle with pancreatic cancer. 

Gently wiping away her tears, she began telling us stories of the amazing man he was, apologizing for getting emotional. I told her never to apologize for feeling her feelings. I felt truly honoured that she trusted us with her grief; just two strangers in the forest. She admitted she rarely opens up to passersby about why she is sitting there.

She went on to explain the meaning behind the words engraved on the plaque. We listened intently. They were lyrics from her husband’s favourite musician, “Passenger”. I hadn’t been familiar with him before, but on our drive home, we listened to some of his music, and I instantly became a fan. His words spoke to me in ways that mirrored my own journey, just as they had spoken to her husband. The plaque’s quote came from a song titled, “The Way That I Love You,” and the line in it, “You’re lovely just the way you are.” was a phrase her husband often said to his wife and their teenage daughters.

By now, I, too, had tears in my eyes, and even though I never met her husband, I felt his presence on that same bench with us.

This spot holds such deep meaning: it’s situated along a trail close to their home, one that Shelly and her husband often walked together, and now, it’s a peaceful place for her and her girls (and Niko) to come, to sit, to reflect, to remember, and to grieve.

It’s very rare that Rich and I return to a trail once we’ve explored it, but I know I’ll return here—maybe just to sit, to reflect, and perhaps even to cry.

What began as disappointment over canceled plans yesterday afternoon (though we did still get to see our friends later that evening) turned into something far more profound. Sometimes, it takes a nudge—or maybe even a spider’s web to guide us to the very people or places we didn’t know we needed.

Before parting ways, after about 20 minutes, I asked Shelly if I could take a picture of her and Niko on their beautiful bench. I told her our chance encounter had touched me deeply, and I wanted the opportunity to share it with others. She added me on Instagram. I hope she reads this and knows how much our meeting meant. I hope I see her again.

I’ve never fully believed that things happen for a reason, but after yesterday, I found myself leaning in that direction. Perhaps we are all gently guided to reminders, like the words on that plaque, whispering to us when we need them most: 

You’re lovely just the way you are.

Do you believe that things happen for a reason?

#fuckcancer #mentalhealth #chanceencounters #everythinghappensforareason #sixteenmilecreek #hiking #nature #rwostrangers #memorial #plaque #grief #meaningful #blogger #itsoktonotbeok #youareenough #beloved #gentlereminders

@shellypetruskavich @passengermusic 

This morning, at work, I couldn’t open my Facebook app on my phone. It had all but disappeared. Out of nowhere, I felt a wave of panic and tears come over me.  

The panic and tears weren’t about missing any likes or scrolling through my feed. It was the feeling of being cut off from something much deeper than that.

For me, Facebook has become more than just a social media app. It’s a lifeline. It connects me to my blog site, my work page, and most importantly, my advocacy (side note: today just so happens to be my 8 year anniversary since I created my blog site!). It’s where I find community, share stories, open conversations, and connect with people who remind myself (and others) that none of us are alone.

When that little blue icon on my phone refused to open, no matter how hard I kept trying, I realized just how much it has become part of my voice and my purpose. It helps me stay connected, feel seen, and continue the work that matters most to me.

Thankfully, Rich worked his magic when I got home from work and fixed the glitch. But the moment has stayed with me all day. I will never again take for granted the platforms that allow me to share, to advocate, to create community, and to develop connections.

Our lifelines—the people, the places, and practices that keep us grounded and connected are worth cherishing. 

For me, another lifeline that keeps me grounded and connected is nature. So this afternoon, Rich and I headed north of the city, not too far from home to a trail that led to a really cool, brand new 4-storey boardwalk.

Nature is a gentle reminder to breathe again.

I am always grateful for my lifelines that help me get through. 

Shabbat Shalom 💛 

#lifelines #Facebookapp #socialmedia #nature #boardwalk #breathe #glitch #mentalhealth #wellbeing #connection #community #advocacy #purpose #youarenotalone #gentlereminder #cliffordperryboardwalk #davekerwintrail #environmentalpark 

Six years ago this week, I fulfilled a dream I never thought possible when I published my children’s book, “Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go?”

What started out as a labour of love for my own children quickly grew into something much bigger and more purposeful by helping other parents, teachers, and caregivers talk to children about a loved one’s depression with care, honesty and hope and has since become a resource that fosters empathy, understanding, and meaningful conversations for many families.

Looking back over the past six years, I’m so grateful for the journey it’s taken me on, and I’m especially grateful for the connections I’ve made, for the conversations that have started, and for the lives that it’s touched.

This once labour of love has really taught me the power of putting your heart into your work.

If my book could bring value to your family, a friend, or your classroom, I’d be grateful to share it with you. 

#crushingmydreams #childrensbook #author #dreamsdocometrue #selfpublishing #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #depression #anxiety #mentalhealthadvocate #blogger #youareenough #grateful #purpose #labouroflove #startaconversation @wheredidmommyssmilego

Over the weekend, Rich and I wandered through a gigantic vintage and antique outdoor market. Hiking isn’t our only favourite summertime escape as you’ll often find us exploring other unique hidden treasures like this one, too.

Sometimes, the discoveries are simple, like markets with fresh Ontario-grown produce, handmade crafts and jewelry, the comforting aroma of flowers and scented candles, or delicious homemade treats. Other times, it’s the unexpected finds that make you take a second look. The kind of treasures that hold more meaning than anyone else may realize, which is exactly what happened when I spotted a display of Smurf figurines at the vintage and antique market.  

To most people, they might have glanced at the display and thought it was nothing more than a silly blast from their past and kept walking. But to me, they carried the weight of childhood memories. As a child, I had a cherished collection of Smurfs, lots and lots of Smurfs, that I lost years ago in an unfortunate (and truly preventable) mishap during my young adult life. Another story of childhood trauma for another time. But seeing them again brought back a flood of nostalgia, both sweet and bittersweet. 

When I noticed Smurfette among them, there was no hesitation. I had to have her. Smurfette reminds me of everything I wish for myself. She combines kindness, empathy, courage, intelligence, and resilience while also serving as a symbol of personal growth and self-empowerment. So, for $2.80, I walked away with far more than a figurine. I walked away with a little piece of my past and a grin from ear to ear 💙.

It’s funny how the smallest discoveries can bring us back to a piece of ourselves that we didn’t even realize were missing. And, honestly, who would ever imagine that the ’80’s are now considered vintage or antique? 

Maybe that’s what I loved so much about this market—it reminded me that no matter what, we are never too old to rediscover our value and worth. 

To find joy in the unexpected even when we lose pieces of ourselves along the way, life has a way of offering us moments to reclaim them. Sometimes, healing shows up in the most unexpected places.

#vintagemarket #antique #nostalgia #figurines #smurfs #smurfette #mentalhealth #hiddentreasures #rediscover #unexpectedfinds #memories #childhoodtrauma #selfempowerment #summertimeescape @aberfoylemrkt

The kids were together all weekend for alumni weekend at their home-away-from-home, Camp Northland.

It’s the most endearing place on earth to them, and one that will always hold a special piece of their stories. Summers filled with laughter, friendships, adventures, and memories that helped shape who they are today.

Before Shabbat, they sent Rich and me a pic in our PHAM chat. As I opened it, I felt a wave of emotion come over me. In that quiet moment of reflection, in that single snapshot, I saw not only how grown up they’ve become but how beautifully close they are to one another.

As a parent, there’s no greater joy than seeing your children flourish, knowing that the bond they share will carry them wherever life leads. 

My heart overflows in ways that words could never capture and I am forever grateful for the countless summers they spent at their home-away-from-home, filled with laughter, adventures, friendships that endure, and memories that guide them long after that last summer ended.  

#alumniweekend #alum  #campnbbforever #northlandbnaibrith #siblingbonds #forevercampers #summersofmemories #laughter #adventure #connection #friendships #memories #snapshot #proudmama #mentalhealth 


 

Ever since our anniversary getaway to Tobermory back in May, where we hiked from the northern tip of the Bruce Trail, we’ve been planning a day trip to hike from the southern starting point of the 900 km trail in Niagara Falls, right beside the U.S border, and where the war of 1812 took place!

Today was the day!

I’ve always wished we had kept track of how many kilometers we’ve actually walked by now—but the numbers don’t matter as much as how I feel each time I step onto those trails. 

Out there, the trails have become more than just ground under my feet. They’ve become proof that I keep choosing to show up. Proof that I keep fighting. Proof that I can take my power back and proof that I will do the hard stuff, even when life feels heavy. Which it does right now.

It’s become a mirror for my healing. Not in one giant leap, but with each climb, each step, each breath. It’s another chance to rise and reclaim a piece of myself. 

It’s empowering. And a gentle reminder that I’m still here.

#summerofrich #brucetrail #southerntip #healingjourney #mentalhealth #nature #900kilometers #empowering #youareenough #hiking #trails #ichooseme #daytrip #niagarafalls 

Earlier this week, I recorded a podcast for a documentary series in the psychedelic space. The hosts of the podcast, Frank and Kaitlyn’s intentions for the docu-series, is to shine a light on both good and bad leadership in the psychedelic world of clinical research trials.


They live in Australia. Fun fact; if I could travel anywhere in the world, Australia would be it, hands down.


I was introduced to Frank and Kaitlyn by a fellow participant of the Psilocybin clinical trial who found me after the results of the study were first published last year (her, along with a frenzy of media personnel that is). She, like myself, experienced irreparable damage from the trial and also like myself, has since become a strong voice in advocating for better leadership when it comes to how these trials are run. Since finding one another, we have also become a much needed sounding board for one another. 


It’s been nearly 3.5 years since I willingly participated in the study and am still dealing with the unwelcome repercussions of my choice. I am hopeful that a treatment I will begin next month with the guidance of a Movement Neurologist will help, even if only a wee bit!


The neurological damage and regret I live with daily as a result of this angers me to the core every time I think about how poorly run it was. And how little accountability there was.


It has been a while since I have spoken in a public form about my experience, but this week, I had the opportunity to do so twice, as I pre-recorded another interview this afternoon with one of the kindhearted organizers of the “Psychedelic Lived Experience Summit”, which is happening virtually, this November.   

Both interviews went really well. They felt meaningful and cathartic. Any time I get to share my story and experiences, I feel purposeful. It has become a large part of my ongoing healing journey. 


Both interviewers had done lots of research on me prior to speaking with them and had a lot of difficult questions for me to answer as they want their viewers to hear my truth, especially since much of my experience was covered up in the published study results. Some parts of our discussions may have felt triggering, but all of their questions were approached with compassion and heartfelt. They were relevant and important to understanding how drastically my life has changed since April 2nd, 2022.


I spoke openly and honestly about everything, from how I felt the study was run, to spending the better part of the last 3 years trying to find treatments to help me, to my severe mental health decline because of the trial which led me to go through a very scary and lonely application process for M.A.I.D (medical assistance in dying) at one point in time two years ago.


I shared my story not once but twice this week. I was met both times with gratitude and kindness. I was told how brave and inspiring and courageous I am for my willingness to share. One of the interviewers stated how appreciative he is that I don’t take on a victimhood approach to what has happened to me as I am always happy for others who’ve found peace from medications and treatments that have seemingly failed me. 


I speak out for change. I still have a deep belief in the power of science, and I am grateful for science, even if it feels like it let me down. I speak out for change because I don’t want future studies to repeat the same mistakes. I speak out for change because I have faith that science has the ability to change many lives for the better. I still believe in its promise, its progress, and its power to heal.


I speak out for change because I am resilient. And my voice matters.


I’m both emotionally exhausted and proud of myself for being given the opportunity to speak out for change, not once, but twice this week. Lots of self-love will be top of mind this weekend.


Shabbat Shalom, and much love to all of you for continuing to follow my journey and rooting me on every step of the way.


#psychedelics #psilocybin #clinicaltrial #research #science #treatmentresistantdepression #gratitude #voiceforchange #advocacy #myjouney #mentalhealth #wellness #selflove #interviews #neurological #meaningful #cathartic #purposeful #healingjourney

Trigger Warning ⚠️ Mention of suicidal thoughts, Suicide 


Yesterday marked the 11th anniversary of Robin William’s passing. 


To many, it’s hard to believe how quickly time has passed, but unfortunately for me, it’s not. The anniversary of his passing still triggers me today. It’s a cruel reminder of just how real depression is.


That night is forever engrained in my memory. I’ve told the story of that evening many times before. Some pieces of it are still very fresh in my mind. I was just 4 months into my own mental health journey the day he died. Moments before I had read the news of his passing on my phone, I’d been sitting in my car, all alone in a dark parking lot, my family and friends having no idea of my whereabouts (once again), and contemplating my own suicide. It wasn’t the first time in that 4 month period, and it most definitely has not been the last where I have thought about or acted upon my thoughts of suicide, but it was suddenly the first time I began to truly understand the depths of my illness.


As the news quickly spread of Robin’s death, friends and family began lighting up my phone, concerned for my well-being and wanting to ensure I was safe. Easiest solution, I just shut it off. By now I was visibly shaken, alone and terrified and my only thought I had right after the initial shock was, “if someone of Robin Williams’ stature, who seemingly had it all could take his own life then what the heck am I waiting for?” 


Those same thoughts still cloud my judgment some days, today as his passing is a reminder that even a person of his stature can carry the heaviest of burdens.


I often wonder what Robin would be doing today if he were still here. 

Would he be performing a new stand-up show on stage to a sold-out crowd somewhere, making them laugh until they peed? Or perhaps he’d be working on another movie or lending his voice to some new outrageous character. 

Maybe by now, he’d have chosen to retire from showbiz altogether to spend more time, enjoying a quieter life with his loved ones while lending his voice to a much bigger purpose or cause.

I think about how many more lives he might have touched over the last 11 years, if, in that dark, unshakable moment, he’d have been able to see through the clouds or if he had reached out to a loved one and said – “I’m not okay.” Trust me when I tell you that those are 3 of the hardest words to say out loud. 

He didn’t reach out that night, and that dark, unshakable moment —took him from the world. A world that still needed him (imagine how many lives he would’ve brightened during the pandemic!).

Robin’s passing is a reminder that kindness and laughter don’t always mean someone is okay inside. His passing is also a daily reminder to us all to check in, reach out, and stay connected. 

Depression lies, and no amount of money or fame can fix that. It wants us to believe that tomorrow doesn’t need us, and some days, it’s really so damn hard to silence those cruel and daunting lies. 


But one thing I do know for certain is that tomorrow still needs Robin Williams and that it still needs you too!


*If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, please dial 9.8.8* 


Help is available.


#mentalhealth #depression #purpose #robinwilliams #suicideawareness #tomorrowneedsyou #depressionlies #itsoktonotbeok #startaconversation #helpisavailable #youarenotalone #youareenough #988 #startaconversation