When someone invalidates or dismisses your thoughts, feelings, emotions and behaviours it can be very hurtful and upsetting.
It makes you feel judged, rejected, ignored and that your words don’t matter.
It can make you question everything and even though sometimes it’s coming from a good place with no real ill-intent, like when someone tells you “it could be worse” or “maybe you just misunderstood”; playing down another person’s experiences doesn’t hurt any less.
When we invalidate another person’s thoughts, emotions and behaviours it can lead to distrust, self-doubt, the belief that your feelings are wrong and that you are worthless.
Invalidation can lead to symptoms of depression and anxiety and when someone is already suffering with a mental illness it can lead to worsening symptoms.
And when an adult is continually dismissing a child’s thoughts, feelings and behaviours it can have a much higher tendency to have long lasting effects on their mental health or stronger reactions to certain situations making them unable to manage their emotional responses to events later on in their lives.
Finding the right words to say and being more aware of the language you use when speaking to others is a great place to start when trying to develop healthy relationships in your life.
Yesterday afternoon I went for another consult with a wig specialist. I had cancelled my original appointment with them a couple of weeks ago because, well, to be completely honest I was in a really bad headspace that weekend and had decided that nothing really mattered to me anymore and well, that of course included thoughts that I too no longer mattered either.
I have still not been able to make any clear or concise decisions as to what my next steps will be and I’m still in a really bad headspace as well due to so many difficult elements of my life I’m dealing with right now. Yesterday’s consult seemed to only add to my confusion and overwhelming feelings, especially while Rich and I sat there for the better part of an hour while I tried on a variety of wigs with the lovely and well-meaning technician, listening to her rave on and on about how stunning my own hair was. Although really not helpful in my decision making process, I couldn’t really argue with her, seeing as though I’ve always felt like it’s my best feature and is one of many reasons why if I do choose to go ahead with the procedure I want to be able to donate part of my hair to a local charity just prior to it.
The appointment took alot out of me yesterday afternoon so instead of taking advantage of the gorgeous summer-like temperatures like I normally would have by going on a #summerofrich adventure, all I wanted to do when we were done was go home and curl up on my couch. Both my body and mind seemed to be screaming at the sentiment too because I ended up falling asleep for close to two hours which is something I rarely do.
I truly wish that someone else could make all of these very difficult decisions I have on my plate right now for me but I know that’s not possible. I’ve given myself a deadline to the end of this month though to make any final decisions after I contend with several upcoming appointments I have scheduled over the next couple of weeks including a meeting with my Psychiatrist later this week, plus my long awaited in person examination on the 28th with a specialist he had referred me to close to a year ago for some of the many neurological issues I’m still patiently waiting to “fix” themselves (even though the Doctor had basically told me during our phone consultation several months ago that he is doubtful he can help me!) and I also have a note in my calendar (for close to two months now) reminding me to follow-up with the care coordinator from M.A.I.D who had asked that I call them back in mid to late April as she was hoping that by then their “Assessors” would be all caught up from the “backlog” of “Track One” patients they’d been needing to attend to first.
In the meantime she’d asked that I please continue to keep fighting and keep building my case by consulting with any and all additional treatment options and specialists I can find which of course I have been diligently doing and which now includes a specialist who doesn’t think he will be able to help me, a Guru in San Diego, a.k.a, a sexual medicine Dr. who specializes in pgad, something that doesn’t seem to exist in Canada with the amount of research me and my care team have done over the past year but nevertheless I can’t afford to go see him anyway and then there is also this opportunity to participate in a clinical research trial for “Deep Brain Stimulation” that may or may not help relieve some of my symptoms of my unrelenting “treatment resistant depression” and debilitating anxiety disorders, but I’d need to shave my head before I will ever know.
It’s all just alot…too much in fact on most days lately. Today however is “World Semicolon Day”, a day that I’ve been commemorating for many years now and the reason why I had a tattoo permanently etched in ink on my left shoulder blade about 8 years ago which has become a symbol of hope to others in the world of mental health and a growing awareness to suicide prevention. A semicolon, which is a punctuation mark indicating a pause in a sentence, not an ending has also become a daily reminder to me that my story isn’t quite over yet. It’s symbolism is certainly never lost on me as I continue to try and fight for my life each and every single day.
Happy 12th birthday to my very spunky, silly and beyond adorable fur baby Maggie. You somehow always know just how to brighten up even my darkest days.
The other morning as I was driving to work I received a very frantic and hysterical phone call from a friend. She was sobbing so uncontrollably that I couldn’t make out whatever it was she was trying to say until I was finally able to calm her down enough to get the words out.
She proceeded to tell me that over the weekend while she was out enjoying an afternoon of shopping with her daughter she discovered, by accident, that her young teen had been cutting herself and shortly thereafter found out that it had been happening, very regularly, for the last 3 years.
My heart just sank.
Cutting, or self-harming is a very serious and scary phenomenon among many pre-teens and teenagers today. It can be an extremely habit forming behaviour as well that sometimes may even begin by an outside influence like one of their peers wanting to experiment with it.
I’m sure some people reading this are thinking, why would anyone want to intentionally inflict pain on themselves?
That’s a very fair question, however, in most cases, cutting, or self-harming behaviours begin as an impulsive reaction to a sign of some much deeper emotional distress.
Cutting is often linked solely, or in part, to another mental health condition which a young person may be having difficulty navigating their way through; Obsessive Compulsive Disorders, Anxiety, Depression and Post-Traumatic Stress all round out the top 5 reasons.
For most young people who engage in such behaviours as cutting themselves or self-harming, it is not in an attempt to take their life but more so as an emotional response to pressures or overwhelming and intense feelings that they can’t control.
It’s like a rush of adrenaline is coarsing through their veins and can be very difficult to stop, especially when the distraction of the physical pain from cutting or self-harming begins to feel way more tolerable in their mind to that of their unbearable emotional pain.
Like with so many other behaviours related to mental health and addictive disorders, young people, just like adults can become very good at trying to mask their emotions or cover up their pain or wounds that it goes unnoticed by those closest to them. Sometimes it’s because they may be hesitant or too ashamed to tell someone for fear they will feel misunderstood or worry that a loved one or trusted adult will become angry or disappointed with them; or begin to judge them as well. Some however may choose to share their secret though, usually with a peer, even to go so far as to ask them not to tell anyone else which may sometimes become quite burdensome to their confidant without even realizing it.
It may also take many attempts before an individual is able to fully stop the behaviour altogether even though they may experience brief periods of time during their recovery where they do so. But seeking immediate professional help is so imperative in the success of trying to regulate and find new or more effective coping strategies to deal with the pressures or overwhelming and intense feelings that they can’t control on their own.
Although I can’t say for certain every feeling my friend is experiencing at the moment, I am certain, as you can very well imagine that she is simply beside herself with worry and fear right now which was why, without any hesitation she began taking all the necessary steps toward ensuring her daughter get the help she so desperately needs and deserves, but sadly, right alongside all her worry and fear she has also become consumed by an overwhelming sense of guilt.
As my therapist always tries to remind me, guilt is the most wasted emotion, it can become your worst enemy; I’d probably have to say it’s mine for sure, but “mom guilt” well that’s just next level! It can eat away at your core, making you feel like you’re simply just not a good enough mom. But the truth is, my friend is a great mom who is now blaming herself for what her daughter has been doing to herself, questioning every decision and parenting choice she’s ever made, feeling like she’s failed her daughter and angry at herself for not knowing the depths of, or seeing the signs to which she has been suffering over the last few years.
As a mom, seeing your child hurting emotionally can be some of the most trying experiences we will ever go through as parents. We feel helpless, especially when we can’t always protect them from the hurt or fix their pain. It’s heartbreaking. But it doesn’t mean you have failed as a mom, it just makes you human. It’s pretty simple, when our children hurt, we hurt too and all we can really do is be there for them, in the here and now, supporting them in whatever way we possibly can.
What my friend really needs right now instead of all the wasted emotions from her “mom guilt” is to be able to give herself the grace she so deserves and maybe a heaping spoonful of some good ole fashion self-compassion to go along with it while she begins to navigate her way through this next chapter in her daughter’s journey; her very brave and determined young daughter’s journey.
And I just want you to know how honoured I am for trusting in me and allowing me to be a part of your journey.
“A sibling is the lens for which you see your childhood.”
No matter how different their paths may be in life, I only hope and pray that the bond and connection they share today will forever remain as strong and meaningful as it is right now.
It may not always be perfect, but it is truly the most invaluable gift to cherish and nurture, forever and a day.
Happy “National Siblings Day” to my 3 little Munchkins.
“The mind is like water. When it’s turbulent, it’s difficult to see. When it’s calm, everything becomes clear.” ~ unknown
It’s been one heck of a tough week for me, especially yesterday, so all I wanted to do today was take to the trails to try and silence those voices in my head that continue to insist on following me whereever I go.
We witnessed the first signs of spring. We stopped several times along the trail just to breathe in the crispness in the air and as I stood staring out onto the water I felt mesmerized by its beauty; I felt a calmness come over me.
Water has a way of helping us renew our spirit. Its stillness today reminded me “there is no hurry. We shall all get there some day.” ~ A.A Milne
The snow has all melted away, the temperatures are starting to rise and we are more than ready for the 2023 season of the #summerofrich to begin.
Every year since its conception about six or seven years ago now (I’ve lost track of time) I like to give a brief synopsis of how the #summerofrich came to be for any newcomers to my page who may be wondering what the heck it is exactly.
The #summerofrich first began with a simple exclamation one (very) early Friday morning at the end of June as we stood waving goodbye to our three children as they drove away on the bus to camp for the next seven and a half glorious weeks (I actually think 1 or 2 of them may have been staff that summer and had therefore already left for camp a few days prior, but not important!).
They weren’t even out of the parking lot yet when Rich turned to me with the biggest smile on his face (I, on the otherhand had tears in my eyes), his arms raised high above his head as he shouted, “It’s the Summer of Rich!”.
He wasted no time at all getting started either. Our first activity on the #summerofrich agenda that year (and several years following until Covid hit) was already scheduled for later that morning. We were off to the spa for pedicures.
The #summerofrich meant that he now had a seven plus week break; a well deserved, much needed and VERY much earned break from the burdensome (my word, not his) role he has taken on as both mom and dad, chef extraordinaire, therapist, errand schlepper, grocery bagger, laundry folder and much, much more for the other forty something weeks of the year; a role which he has so selflessly done for the better part of nine years now.
When Covid hit and the inevitable announcement came that May that overnight camps would not be running in 2020 I thought for a brief moment that we should just cancel the #summerofrich all together seeing as Rich would not be getting his well deserved, much needed and VERY much earned break (or pedicure). Then I realized that we didn’t have to cancel it at all, we just needed to pivot somewhat; afterall we no longer had all three kids away for the summer by then anyhow.
Yes, the #summerofrich may have started out as a well deserved, much needed and VERY much earned break for Rich during those seven or eight weeks that the kids were away at camp but it’s since become so much bigger than that now. In many ways the #summerofrich has morphed itself into something way deeper and with an even more meaningful purpose.
It’s become a healthy outlet and a perfect escape for both of us to take care of our mental health while having fun spending quality time together in nature and discovering parts of us we never knew existed before.
If you were to have told me 6 or 7 years ago that I would be enjoying the great outdoors, bugs and all; venturing way outside my comfort zone, weathering each changing season (the #summerofrich has evolved into way more than just a summertime activity), taking us on hiking trails all across our beautiful Province of Ontario and exploring the beauty of nature, I’d have told you that you were crazy.
We have both come to discover instead just how beautiful, spirited, inspiring and valuable nature truly can be and how much it reminds us while we are on our #summerofrich adventures that anything is possible when you can see the forest through the trees.
It also makes me so happy knowing that sharing our adventures has actually brought so much joy to others as well. Hashtag #summerofrich has created quite the following!
Today marks 9 years since my neverending battle with depression and anxiety first began on April 4th, 2014. As I mentioned a few days ago, it’s a day that still plays out in my mind over and over again; A day so clear in my memory, it’s as though it were yesterday.
I wrote this poem 2 years ago today and wanted to reshare it with you (just swap the number seven for the number nine!). And although I may still be deep in throes of my battle with depression and anxiety today, please know that I continue to fight each and every day as best I can right now by staying focused on my healing journey with all the strength that I have.
IT WAS SEVEN YEARS AGO TODAY: WHAT MY ILLNESS HAS BOTH TAKEN FROM ME AND TAUGHT ME TOO
It was seven years ago today that I uttered the words “I want to die” for the very first time.
It was seven years ago today that I felt hopeless and alone for the very first time.
It was seven years ago today that my life no longer felt purposeful for the very first time.
It was seven years ago today that I felt broken for the very first time.
It was seven years ago today that I felt unlovable for the very first time.
It was seven years ago today that I lost my way for the very first time.
It was seven years ago today that I felt like the world was better off without me for the very first time.
It was seven years ago today that I felt an abundance of sadness and shame come over me for the very first time.
It was seven years ago today that my life was about to change forever and I felt too powerless and helpless to stop it.
It was seven years ago today that I peered outside my bedroom window hoping to find myself somewhere out there.
It was seven years ago today that suddenly I felt a disconnect from the person I once was and with each passing year she seems to fade further and further from my mind.
But someone new emerged in her place that day instead and even though she still feels all those same emotions today that she did seven years ago her new identity has taught her so much more than she ever thought imaginable about both herself and others.
Her new identity has learned to embrace the difficult moments as a way to grow and co-exist with herself.
Her new identity has learned how to create more meaning in her life.
Her new identity has learned ways to stop running from herself by using the anchor she has been given when she needs a break.
Her new identity has learned to recognize the pain and suffering in others with heartfelt compassion, empathy and kindness through the acceptance of her own pain and suffering.
Her new identity has learned how to ask for help and how to advocate for those who aren’t quite able to yet.
Her new identity has found her voice, one that she no longer takes for granted.
Her new identity has become stronger and more resilient than she truly realizes or gives herself enough credit for.
Her new identity has learned the importance of making self-care her number one priority.
Her new identity has learned how to set limits and enforce healthy boundaries which has in turn created deeper, more meaningful bonds with the people in her life.
And she is grateful. Not for all that she has necessarily lost since that very first day seven years ago but for all that she has gained and learned since then. And it’s alot.
*Thank you to everyone who has been there for me and continues to be there for me since that very first day, loving me and supporting me every step of my journey and thank you as well to everyone who has shown up along the way; your love and support mean the world to me too.
*For those of you who have never heard the story of what happened to me on April 4th, 2014 here it is again:
I spent the better part of my weekend curled up in a ball, blanket pulled over my head, sobbing.
My heart raced non stop, my stomach was in knots.
I was consumed by fear.
My nervous system was in constant fight or flight mode.
I was overwhelmed.
I couldn’t breathe.
I felt like a failure.
The voices in my head had me overthinking everything I’d said or should’ve said or done the week before and then worrying about what my future holds.
I was crippled with anxiety which quickly turned to panic; many times over.
I was not okay.
Friends and loved ones helped distract me, listened to me and reassured me that I am worthy, that I am good enough.
My emotional need to try and please everyone took hold of me so tight this weekend, I was barely functioning.
I told myself I wasn’t strong enough.
My desire to please everyone else came at the expense of my own mental health and wellbeing.
I’d lost total control and wasn’t sure I’d make it through the weekend, let alone get to work today.
But something or maybe it was someone, gave me the inner strength I needed this afternoon to stand up to the bully in my head and allowed me the courage to take back my power in order to navigate through some very murky waters and change the course of a very difficult situation.
I faced my self-doubt today and I faced my fears head on.
I felt empowered.
Today I learned that perhaps some days I am stronger than I think.
I’m not okay right now; I’m kinda really sorta more than not okay right now.
My whole world feels like it’s imploding all at once and being okay feels completely unattainable right now.
My heart feels so incredibly heavy, my spirit is tired and broken.
It’s taking everything I have in me right now to make it through another day as I desperately try and crawl my way out of this darkness.
I feel like I can’t breathe.
I’m not asking anyone to tell me that it’s all going to be okay right now or that everything will work itself out. That’s a whole lot of pressure and besides, no one can ever guarantee anyone of that anyway. I’d just rather you sit with me for a while and remind me that it’s okay to not be okay.
This past week I’ve been a hot mess and it’s left me feeling like such a failure; again. I spent most of my day yesterday hiding under my covers, crying. I needed to cancel my appointment I’d scheduled a couple of weeks ago with another wig specialist because nothing mattered to me anymore. My body needed to rest and my mind most definitely needed to as well.
I know I have a big heart.
I love very deeply which unfortunately doesn’t always work in my favour though.
I overthink everything.
I’ve been told that I’m way too sensitive.
I apologize even when I’m not at fault.
I forgive others too easily.
I care too much about people who don’t give a shit about me.
I try so hard to make other people happy.
I feel guilt over things I have no control over.
Yes, I will be the first to admit it; I am a chronic “people pleaser”. It’s just another wonderful symptom of my depression and anxiety.
Do you know though how much pain and suffering really comes with being a people pleaser? Do you know how much disappointment and self hate and resentment comes with it too? Do you know what kind of toll it can take on your mental, emotional and physical health if you don’t stop it? Look no further than me as a prime example!
I’m spiraling right now and while I desperately try to leave behind a week that’s left me feeling like a hot mess and clinging to several unresolved conflicts I’m battling with in my heart right now, I enter into another new week, a week that is certain to be bound by many, many triggers for me.
I could feel the anticipation brewing yesterday as I lay curled up in a ball, sobbing over the week that had just passed; knowing for starters that today would be exactly one year since I took part in the clinical research study for Psilocybin (yup, time flies) which ended up destroying my body to match my mind. I’ve given myself a full year now to try and heal my body but to no avail. They say that the body has the ability to heal itself but I’m still waiting for that circuit in my brain to fix itself like one of the Neurologists I saw last summer hoped it would.
**News flash, it hasn’t even come close***
Instead I’ve just become a medical mystery.
This Tuesday also marks 9 years since my neverending battle with depression and anxiety first began. A day I play out in my mind over and over again. A day so clear in my memory, it’s as though it were yesterday. Nine years seems like a heck of a long time to be suffering as it is to others but living right in the thick of it for me actually feels more like 9 dog years.
Besides the most obvious triggers that both April 2nd and April 4th leave me battling with this week, there are still several other triggers I am needing to contend with as well as I head into the week ahead including my job itself which I’ve come to accept is no place for someone who is a chronic “people pleaser” and the other being the start of the jewish holiday of Passover Wednesday evening where we will be spending the first 2 nights of enjoying a festive meal with many of our loved ones. Please don’t get me wrong, I love that the jewish holidays means getting to spend time with friends and loved ones but my depressed and anxious mind often feel very differently. I become completely overwhelmed with the pressure (which I know I create most of in my own depressed and anxious mind) that I am expected to put on my “mask” in order to try and stay present in the moment. Just thinking about it as I am writing this is making me completely anxious. It’s fucking exhausting.
I’m not okay right now, but for anyone else who may also be feeling not okay right now, just remember that it is more than okay!
YouAreEnough 
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