I live with an anxiety disorder. Ten years and counting.
It’s pretty severe some days.
Anxiety can signal a perceived threat that can cause intense feelings of worry or fear.
Today, I am feeling super anxious, almost to catastrophic proportions.
I can’t seem to shake it, and the worst part is, I have no idea why I am feeling this either.
To be honest, it could be one of a million things. Or a combination of a gazillion more.
My subconscious is playing some kind of mind game on me.
Regardless of what is looming in my subconscious, it’s overwhelming me, making it difficult to focus and causing brain fog and constant heart palpitations.
It’s taking a toll on my mental and physical health, and quite frankly, I don’t like it!
But for now, between every deep and mindful breath I take, I will just keep reminding myself that I am okay.
Every year on September 10th, we raise awareness around the globe that suicide can be prevented.
This year’s theme, “Changing the Narrative on Suicide,” is a call to action to “start a conversation.”
Every 40 seconds, a life is lost around the world to suicide and that is unacceptable.
Too many people still suffer in silence.
Shame and stigma around suicide still exist.
Suicide is still very much a social taboo.
Suicide can be a silent killer. What happens when there are no warning signs? What happens when someone is too afraid to speak their truth because of the stigma attached to it?
It is more important than ever before that we keep talking about suicide because the more we talk about suicide, the more we encourage others to as well. The more we talk about suicide, the less alone someone may feel. The more we talk about suicide, the more change we can make happen.
The more we talk about suicide, may help bring a glimmer of hope or relief to someone’s pain and desperation or even become the light in their darkness.
The more we talk about suicide the more lives we can save.
Collectively, these efforts are all key to suicide prevention, and yes, suicide can be prevented.
I struggle every. single. day of my life with thoughts of suicide (even when you see me smiling), but I refuse to allow anyone to ever make me feel ashamed for having a mental illness and I will keep doing all that I can to continue spreading awareness by sharing my story, educating those who are willing to listen, helping others understand how it feels to live with a mental illness; to feel broken, ashamed, hopeless or suicidal and I have made myself a promise that no one ever feel alone in their own struggle because no matter what, you are worthy and it’s okay to ask for help.
Opening up conversations about mental health and suicide saves lives; Every. Single. Day.
My brother snapped this picture today from his car. He thought of me as soon as he saw it.
For close to 30 years, I had a personalized license plate with my childhood dog’s name on it. It had originally been a gift to our mother for her 40th birthday but at some point in my late teens I became the sole owner and operator of her then baby blue Le Baron and the license plate too. I was more than happy to keep the license plate, and once my dog, Bamboo, was no longer with us, it meant even more, and believe it or not, it still does.
About 6 years ago, I needed to renew my license plate sticker (which we no longer need to do). Normally, this would be quite simple and could easily be done online at the time, however I also needed to renew my actual license and health card too which for most individuals would not be such a big deal, just time consuming, but for me, well it’s a whole other story.
Needing to renew my license and health cards meant I had to go to the crowded license bureau itself and it also meant I would have to have my picture taken, yup just a few of the 100’s of things that would cause my anxiety to soar through the roof, driving outside my comfort zone, being alone in crowded rooms and last but definitely not least, having my picture taken which I would have to look at for the next five years. To help avert part of the problem, Rich agreed to take me, and although he couldn’t resolve the issue of having my picture taken, he came to my rescue once again.
During that period of time, driving was becoming more and more difficult for me due to my anxiety and panic attacks and I could only do so within my comfort zone, but within that comfort zone I stood out like a sore thumb because I had been driving around with a personalized license plate, and everyone who knows me or had ever known me, saw me coming from miles away.
It was getting to the point where having a personalized license plate was only adding to my list of anxieties. It may be difficult for someone to understand who doesn’t suffer from acute anxiety or a severe lack of self-esteem, but when all I want to do is hide or drive through the neighbourhood with the least amount of resistance I needed to make that change.
It was by far a much more difficult decision for me than it seemed leading up to that moment as I stood speaking to the customer service representative at the license bureau asking her what I needed to do in order to change my plates. After she finished telling me the simple steps it would take in doing so, she said, ‘so would you like to do this today?’ I hesitated and tears began to stream down my face (yup, that’s how life goes for me), and Rich who was waiting nearby saw my struggle and piped in and said, ‘yes, she would.’
You see it’s those simple and loving nudges I need in my life, the ones that help me look toward my future instead of sticking to my past. I will never let go of that personalized license plate, rust, and all. I still have it tucked away for safe keeping but today, instead of expressing myself through a personalized license plate, like the one by brother saw today, I’d much rather continue to etch them into my skin instead.
I’ve been busy designing my next tattoo as we speak.
Last year on “National Read A Book Day”, I posted many of the benefits there are to reading books. Here they are again:
Books help improve a person’s concentration and focus.
Books enrich a person’s vocabulary, language, and writing skills.
Books introduce you to a world of make-believe and fantasy.
Books exercise your brain.
Books increase your ability to empathize with others.
Books provide you with knowledge and information.
Books can even help prevent cognitive decline.
Books can entertain, help you to relax, reduce stress, and even sleep.
Books give a person the opportunity to reflect and open up important conversations.
Books inspire.
This afternoon, while I was at work, a beautiful and generous soul dropped off a book at my house for me to read, along with a highlighter! It’s a book that had inspired her, and she knew from following my journey that it was a book that she hopes will inspire me too. From a quick glance so far, it feels like it was written for me!
I can’t wait to read it!
Thank you, beautiful and generous soul, for reminding me that I am worthy 💖
I’m feeling very off-balance today, but I’m doing what I can to keep myself grounded heading into the start of September.
I needed to “get away” today.
I needed to find calm and peace today.
I needed to challenge myself today.
I needed to turn the volume down in my head a notch or maybe more like 10 today.
I needed to grieve the collective sadness and devastation felt around the world today. So much hope feels lost.
I needed to lean into my feelings today.
Today being September 1st, begins the start of Suicide Prevention Awareness Month and Self-Care Awareness Month.
Today’s #summerofrich focused on the awareness of both for me. Rich and I headed out to an area we’ve never ventured to before. It was a bit of a further drive than usual, too, but we went chasing waterfalls in 3 different parks within the area. We attempted a 4th one, but the trail was blocked off.
Today felt almost like a “get away”.
Today, I focused on calm and peace.
Today, I definitely challenged myself.
Today, I turned the volume down in my head a notch, maybe even 2.
Today, I reminded myself of the beauty surrounding me while grieving the collective loss of hope, sadness, and devastation felt around the world right now.
Today, I leaned deep into my feelings.
September, I will continue to try to lean into my feelings by focusing my attention on the importance of both self-care and suicide awareness.
And for anyone else who needs to hear this today. Self-care is not selfish. It knows no boundaries. Pay attention to your feelings. Fill your own cup first. Asking for help is courageous. Remember, you are not alone, and guess what? It’s more than okay to not be okay some days.
Seven years ago now, I remember telling Rich that I wanted to start a Blog. I wasn’t quite sure where to begin, or exactly what a Blog even was, but either way, Rich, without hesitation, supported my endeavor and helped me get started right away.
Writing for me is both a creative outlet and very therapeutic. It often helps me to declutter many of the intrusive thoughts in my mind and sort through a lot of my own trauma and pain.
Just prior to launching my official Blog site I had started sharing bits and pieces of my own mental health journey on my personal social media pages and it was quickly becoming apparent by the outpouring of kindness, gratitude and welcomed support that I had a greater purpose and needed to somehow expand my audience reach. I saw how much my writing was giving others like myself a safe space to feel like someone was listening, like someone understood them and, most importantly, to give others the courage or strength they may need to ask for help.
I had no idea how far reaching my Blog would actually go.
Sharing my journey so openly and educating others about mental illness has also helped bring about awareness in the hope to one day put an end to the stigma surrounding it.
My willingness to be so honest and vulnerable has allowed others to feel less alone as they navigate their way through their own journey.
So if by chance my Blog has opened up even just one important conversation, or helped to save even just one life over the last 7 years, then I know I have achieved my greatest feat.
Thank you for following my journey @youareenough712.wordpress.com
During our hike at a popular conservation park on Saturday afternoon, Rich and I happened upon this sign.
We have probably visited 100’s of parks over the last 7 years since our #summerofrich adventures began, but Saturday was the first time that we have ever come across or seen a sign such as this one before.
It was big and intentional, situated near the cliff.
We soon noticed several other ones spread out along the trail.
This particular park is surrounded by very large cliffs overlooking the Niagara Escarpment. The views are as spectacular as they are dangerous.
As soon as I noticed the sign, I needed to take a moment to myself. I knew why it was there. I felt anxious and sad but hopeful too.
Deep in thought, I prayed for anyone who has ever visited the park whose intentions were not to breathe in the awe and wonderment of the spectacular views along the Niagara Escarpment, but were instead there, feeling vulnerable, scared and alone, yearning to take their last breath.
I prayed that they, too, noticed the sign.
I prayed that these big and intentional signs, situated cliffside, along the Niagara Escarpment, will bring hope and purpose to many visitors for years to come.
Thank you, @conservationhalton and @988canada, for bringing awareness and for the gentle reminder that help is always available and that “whatever you are facing, you don’t have to go through it alone.”
Very few people will ever know the many depths to my healing.
The evening ahead could likely trigger some emotional wounds from childhood for me, but I’ll be ready.
No matter what, I will allow my body and mind to release their feelings. I will not hide behind the difficult ones. I will welcome any pain or discomfort they may cause. I will bask in the joyful moments and positive energy.
The process of getting to where I want to be over the last 10 years hasn’t been easy. There have been many missteps along the way.
I am still a work in progress.
The evening ahead may likely trigger some past emotional wounds for me, but I’m okay with it because I know how important a step forward it will be in my healing journey.
Tonight truly means more to me than most will ever know, which is why, no matter what, “I gotta feelin’ that tonight’s gonna be a good night.” ~ Black Eyed Peas
I had mentioned recently that I’d been dealing with a very trying and toxic situation for months now. Well, if truth be told, it’s actually been well over a year. It’s been eating away at me and has caused my mental and physical health a steep decline, which included a stress-related ulcer last summer.
It’s exhausting and overwhelming and has left me beyond defeated at times.
My spirit broken.
I’ve cried over it for days on end. Unable to breathe at times. Feeling powerless.
It’s left me too anxious to sleep and has consumed my every waking hour.
My friends and family (and therapist) left having to listen to countless hours of my ranting over the past year, whether they’ve wanted to or not.
As I’ve stated before, growing up, I never felt as though I had a voice or was important enough to have one, so I learned to suppress my thoughts, opinions, and needs. I started to believe that my feelings weren’t worthy. I was never taken seriously back then, so why bother speaking up for myself.
It carried over into adulthood. But over the course of my journey these past 10 years, I’ve learned that I do have a voice and that it matters. Through endless hours of therapy, I’ve also learned how to use it. During the past year, while trying to navigate my way through this situation, I tried speaking up on several occasions. My efforts fell on deaf ears. I grew more and more frustrated. I felt gaslighted and defeated. It led me to a very dark place over the last few months.
I didn’t want to live. I saw only one way out of this situation, but with the strength of so many people in my corner, rooting for me, reminding me that I am worthy, helping me challenge the situation, and question it too, I continued to speak up.
There was so much uncertainty, but I didn’t back down. I stayed true to my convictions. And because of all the love and support I’ve had while working through this, I finally was able to put some rest to the constant unrest this week. I’m so glad I didn’t back down. It may not be completely over, but it’s certainly opened up space for some peace in my heart and some order back into my life. It’s allowing me the ability to push the reset button on a part of my life that has been in complete chaos for over a year now. At the very least, I’ve also proved to myself that I am stronger than I think and deserving of better.
I couldn’t have done this alone. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to each and every one of you who have spent countless hours encouraging me, supporting me, and being a listening ear when needed. I am eternally grateful to you and for you.
My plans for the weekend ahead is to stay in the moment, focused on what’s most important; family and friendship ❤️
YouAreEnough 
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