Category: writing

My Book Launch

The last couple of days have been so surreal. I mean it’s not every day that a TV news reporter sends you a private message on Facebook asking if they can come to your home in an hour to do an interview with you for the 5 o’clock news (and it’s already 2 pm) and it’s not every day that you get to celebrate the “Launch” of your recently published children’s book. But now I can actually say I’ve done both and last night I was surrounded by so many amazing friends (new and old) and family which was graciously hosted by two of the most incredible human beings I know who opened up both their hearts and their home to host this fabulous party and I am just so damn lucky to call them my friends. And looking around the room last night and seeing just how many people came to support me and to celebrate me and my new book I know I am truly blessed. I feel like this has all just been one long dream and I’m afraid to wake from it because I still have so much left to do before then. I didn’t get a chance to take many pictures as I was too busy trying to be in the moment and soak it all in (and signing lots of books too!). Part of the proceeds of sales last night and from some other recent and upcoming events will be donated to CMHA, an organization I have spoken about many times. I am attaching my speech below that I read last night (it’s kinda like a blog!) as it captures the true essence of what last night meant to me along with what this book truly means to me and it turns out it was harder to write than any ole book or blog I could have ever written.

Good Evening Everyone,
I just want to start off tonight with a very special thank you to Jeff and Karen who are 2 of the most honorable, kindhearted and virtuous human beings I know (the true meaning of a mensch!), who selflessly give so much of themselves to others and continue by doing so tonight having opened up both their hearts and their home this evening to celebrate me and my new book. I am forever grateful and beyond blessed to know you both and having your friendship and support means the world to me.
I’m just so overwhelmed with so many emotions right now (I know that doesn’t take much for me!). Over the last five and a half years I have been both blessed and honored with meeting so many new and wonderful people whom I now call friend, I have also been blessed and honored with becoming re-acquainted with so many old friends who quickly became new friends again and of course I have been so blessed and honored to have so many wonderful friends and family in my life who have come along with me on my journey since the beginning. And I am so blessed and honored that so many of you are here tonight to celebrate with me. It truly means so much.

Trust me, I know it hasn’t been easy at times but I’m so appreciative to have each and every one of you in my life. If I may quote Oprah here for a moment because well, she’s Oprah and she’s one of the wisest people I know (she’s no Dr. Phil, but still!) and every teachable moment is an opportunity for some new insight and growth! Oprah reminds us that “lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you really want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down!” And maybe one day I will be able to get back into that limo again but for now my pockets are overflowing with all the tokens I need, knowing just how many of you continue to ride that bus with me.

As most of you here tonight know, I started writing a blog almost 3 years ago chronicling my journey, being my true authentic self, speaking as openly and honestly as I can about my illness and about mental illness in general. I have had such an overwhelmingly positive response by so many people just by being so open, by being so honest and by being so vulnerable and I know it has helped many others to start important and necessary conversations, understand the many challenges and complexities surrounding mental illness and most of all it’s helped more people feel like they are not alone, that it’s okay to not be okay and that it’s more than okay to reach out for help.
Just the other night I received a private message on Facebook from a friend I probably haven’t seen nor spoken to in over 30 years except for the occasional like or comment on our Facebook pages. She told me how inspired she was by my blogs and by my recent book. She then proceeded to tell me about a relative of hers who has been battling with severe depression and the struggle to find proper treatment and hope. She asked me if I would be willing to talk with her relative and offer them some guidance and support. This is just one of many messages I receive on a very regular basis nowadays and it warms my heart knowing that she chose me to confide in and it reassures me that my words are reaching those who matter the most.

Since publishing my book “Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go?” only a few weeks ago I have been asked quite frequently what my inspiration behind writing it was. Well I think I may have just answered that question a moment ago with that brief anecdote but of course you all played an important role as well in writing my book with every heartfelt word of comfort and support you send my way, encouraging me to keep telling my story. But what truly inspired me to write this book were my three children, Jacob, Hannah and Rachel because this is their story, this is our story and I needed to share it in hopes that it would help so many other children and families too.

The book is seen through the eyes of a young girl with her two siblings right by her side as their father helps them cope with their feelings and helps them to understand the difference between sadness and depression. And although my kids were in the throes of their teenage years already when I first became ill they were still just as confused and just as scared as any child would be trying to cope and understand an illness they cannot see. At times they have needed the same reassurance that a child of any age would, they have needed to know that they are safe, that they are loved and that they are in no way responsible for their mother’s illness.
They are the heart and soul of this book, they are my heart and soul and they are my 3 reasons why! They have been faced with many challenges and have encountered many difficult situations due to my illness and they are who inspire me each and every day to fight this disease to the end. I love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my babies you’ll be!
Becoming an author still feels so surreal to me and getting here hasn’t been easy. I’ve had plenty of sleepless nights (well those I’d probably have had anyways), I’ve shed many, many tears (well that’s a given!) I’ve driven Rich up a wall (well that’s a given too!) and I’ve wanted to give up more times than I can count but I didn’t and that’s because I was never alone, nor could I have ever done this alone. I just want to take a moment here before I promise to wrap this up to say an extra special thank you to some extra special people, some of whom I have finally gotten to meet for the very first time this evening.
Shirley, thank you for always going that extra mile for me and my family too, and for being one of my greatest cheerleaders and biggest supporters. You are truly one of a kind and I could not have been able to do this without you.
Lana, thank you for believing in my book and for placing it at the forefront of the amazing organization you work with. You made other’s believers too and I am forever grateful for the incredibly kind and generous gift I received from “Aunty Janis'” which has allowed me to take my book to exciting new heights.
To Shawna, I am beyond grateful to have found you. You took my vision and you brought my book to life. We did this together and I am so proud to have your name on the front cover alongside mine and to share this moment with you. I am so lucky to call you my friend.
And last but certainly not least, my partner in life, my best friend, my confidant. Rich, I don’t know where I’d be right now without you by my side every step of this journey. You have proven time and time again that love conquers all, that in sickness and in health we are in this together til death do us part. Your children are so damn lucky to have such an amazing role model to look toward when choosing their future spouse because as the saying goes “everyone needs a Rich!” and there ain’t nothing further from the truth!
Thank you all once again for being here to celebrate with me tonight and never forget that #youareenough!
Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

Something From Nothing

When I first began teaching Preschool aged children many years ago (before I had my own kids) I began a collection of age appropriate books that I felt would be relevant to my own children one day, many of which I have kept to pass along to the next generation too. One such book is the award winning book adapted from a Jewish folktale called “Something From Nothing”.
Once my own kids were old enough I began reading it to them regularly and it never got old. The story begins with a proud grandfather making his new grandson Joseph a wonderful baby blanket “to keep him warm and cozy and chase away bad dreams.” As Joseph grows, his much loved baby blanket becomes “frazzled and torn” (much like my copy of this book) and his mom encourages Joseph to throw it away. Joseph would hear nothing of it and says to his mother proudly; “Grandpa can fix it!” And fix it he did, many many times as he grew. He transformed his blanket into a wonderful jacket, a wonderful vest, a wonderful tie, a wonderful handkerchief and finally with very little material left he made a wonderful button for him to hold up his suspenders with.
That was until one day when the button becomes lost and Joseph searches everywhere for it but can’t find it and Joseph had to come to the realization that even his amazing grandfather couldn’t make “Something From Nothing”.
But maybe there was hope after all because what Joseph learned that day was far more valuable than finding his wonderful button, it was that there still was something indeed that could be made from the material left behind which just so happened to be a wonderful story.
The message of love is abundant in this timeless tale and is such a touching story to see the special bond growing deeper and deeper between a boy and his grandfather. In the end Joseph realizes that it was never about a wonderful blanket or a wonderful coat or even a wonderful button but instead it was about making memories and being able to retell stories over and over again that came with each stage of his life.
It was about creating those memories with his loved ones and holding on to them because truly in the end it is all about the importance of using our imaginations and being able to share our memories with the people that matter the most, no matter how young or old. If we use our imaginations and create the ability to storytell then we will always be able to make “Something From Nothing”.
I learned this valuable lesson very recently when I shared a fun and engaging post on my Facebook page about all the collectibles many of us had in our childhood (like stickers and stationary and cabbage patch dolls). I no longer have any of my collectibles due to several unforeseen circumstances (another story for another time) and at first my fun and engaging post quickly turned my emotions to anger and sadness when others began sharing how they still had their childhood treasures but then I remembered that it wasn’t about the material things itself but more about our ability to create memories, use our imagination and to keep storytelling over and over again with each stage of our lives because that is the material left behind to make for any great story!

Starting Conversations

Taking a much needed break today on the water, spending time with good friends and some new friends too. Swimming, eating, drinking and chillaxing with a good book. This picture makes my heart so full. Important conversations are happening everywhere! #mentalwellness #selfcare #startaconversation #depression #moms #kidsmentalhealthmatters #youarenotalone #youmatter #itsoktonotbeok #bepresent #endthestigmatogether #wheredidmommyssmilego #summerofrich

Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go?

Moms Mental Health Initiative is a dedicated non profit organization which help moms (and dads) navigate through one of the most vulnerable stages of life. Postpartum depression is a very real and very serious illness and can affect as many as 1 in every 7 women following the birth of their child often stemming from a combination of hormonal changes, psychological adjustment to motherhood and fatigue. Moms Mental Health Initiative has so kindly shared my book with their community as a helpful tool or resource for families affected by postpartum depression. They offer a lot of helpful information, connect moms with many great resources and provide wonderful peer-driven support. You can reach them at: http://www.momsmentalhealthmke.org or follow them on their Facebook page if you or someone you love is in need of help.

Mirror Mirror On The Wall

MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL

It’s no secret that I need a good kick in the pants each morning when I look in the mirror (and several more times throughout the day) because what I see is most often a distortion of reality. What I see when I look in the mirror is worthlessness, failure and helplessness.

I know what you’re probably thinking, I can see your heads shaking in confusion; asking yourself; how could she see those things in the mirror after what she just accomplished? How could she think those things after she just fulfilled her dream of publishing a children’s book? How could she possibly feel this way? Well, simply put, it’s called Depression.

A great way to describe depression is not as a feeling of sadness which many believe to be true, but more as the inability to feel joy and then mix that with a heapful of anxiety and I am left too overwhelmed to live in the moment for long.

This week there may have been a moment of joy but it was abruptly and due to very unexpected circumstances turned into deep sadness and now both my husband and I are left in need of a good kick in the pants more than ever when looking in the mirror so I decided it was the perfect time to try an experiment that I had learned in therapy.

Last night before getting into bed I wrote all over our bathroom mirror (with a dry erase marker!). Surprise Rich! And as you can see from the picture attached, I wrote lots of positive affirmations; leaving very little room for any negative self-talk to reflect through and more room to create peace of mind and joy.

I’ve never really been much into science experiments before but it’s been proven to be an effective way to improve your self-critical way of thinking. These affirmations are messages to your subconscious which perpetuate your way of thinking and believing by reading them aloud repeatedly. I guess I will take it one mirror at a time!

What are some other positive affirmations you see in your reflection when looking in the mirror?

I’m An Author

It’s really happening! My book is now available on Amazon.ca.(Canada only). If outside of Canada please email me at kimfluxgold@gmail.com

Thank you for all your endless love and support. #dreamsdocometrue #goals #visions #reachforthestars #endthestigmatogether #youareenough #children #family #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #selfcare #ichooseme #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #youmatter #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok

Mrs. Doubtfire’s Mask

This week marks the fifth Anniversary of Robin Williams’ suicide. For me and for so many others, that day is still very raw and is wholly etched in my memory forever. I have written several times about the impact his death had on me and the impact it had on our society as well. In these articles I have emphasized the importance of our words and the language that we use pertaining to suicide which can also make an impact on how we as a society help end the stigma surrounding Mental Illness. Moreover, in these same articles I have discussed how so many people battling a Mental Illness still need to wear their “mask” for protection too.

As you know, I chronicle my own personal journey quite openly and honestly and I rely mostly on Social Media to do so. Robin Williams’ did not necessarily choose to do so and that was his choice and so upon hearing the news of his sudden death by suicide without knowing through any media outlets in general that he had been battling with depression it made it seem that much more difficult for many to understand. I mean, he always “looked” so “happy”, he had a thriving career making the world laugh, he had lots of money, fame, a loving family and great success; he had it all so why would he end his life many still wonder.

What we saw was what was hidden behind Robin’s “mask” as with so many other celebrities who have taken their lives before him and following his death on August 11, 2014 did all too well too. A day where I myself had been alone, no one knowing my whereabouts and contemplating ending my own life as the news of his death broke. But like Robin and Kate and Anthony and so many others, celebrity or not, I have learned to master my mask without always realizing it.

As I mentioned above, I use Social Media to chronicle my journey and Facebook in particular has become a very important tool in doing so. I will admit that I love Facebook (yes I love Facebook) even though I don’t actually spend a lot of time each day on it scrolling through my feeds because I can be easily triggered. But it’s a safe place for me to write and express myself without having to be face to face with others. It has helped me build up a substantial network for many things including my blog, it allows me to keep up with daily news & entertainment and it connects me to old friends and so many of the new friends it’s allowed me to make.

So what’s my point you’re probably wondering? I get the impression some days that I am confusing many people and I don’t want to wear my “mask” anymore because it is suffocating me. People read or see many of my posts on Facebook (and Instagram too) and think “oh look how great, Kim is going out, she must be feeling better!!” The truth is I go out all the time and for the past five years since I began battling with depression and anxiety I have gotten up everyday and showered everyday as well (sometimes twice). I do what I can most days, when I can and with who I can and even if I am quite limited as to what daily activities I can and can’t do and with whom I can and can’t do them with I am doing them at my own pace and within my own boundaries.

I want to be able to show the world the many faces of Depression and Anxiety and that includes all the good stuff I do along with the hard stuff too. I want everyone to see that there are many sides of Depression and Anxiety but I want to also be able to do it without being judged and I most definitely want to do it without my mask on because no matter what I am doing, more often than not, I am still doing it while experiencing severe anxiety (and sometimes panic), chronic depression and on many days with suicidal ideations as well.

Creative Writing 101

Back in high school I took a creative writing course and at the time I just figured it would be an easy credit for me. As a final assignment I had to write and illustrate a children’s book and we even got to bind the book together ourselves with cardboard, construction paper, a protective covering and some glue! To this day I can’t remember the grade I actually got on it but I can tell you that it is probably the only assignment I really remember putting my full heart and sole into and it is most definitely the only one I still have with me today.

I guess there must’ve been good reason that I never let go of it. I mean, it was never published or even recognized beyond that classroom door but maybe I held onto it for another purpose. Maybe it had been nudging me for all these years from a dusty box in the basement to follow a dream I had since I was a young child when I would spend hours creating poetry and writing short stories and drawing and drawing some more. Maybe it was that high school creative writing class that allowed me to find the courage to start my blog and to go so far as to write and actually publish a children’s book. And maybe just maybe it’s a good thing that I dusted off that box in the basement and opened my heart and sole up to a lifelong dream, a dream that I can finally share with the world in less than 2 weeks!! #goals #dreams #highschooliskey #stayinschool #keepdreaming #create #writing #envision #memories #timmyandbecky #findingmypurpose #mentalillness #mentalhealth #youmatter #depression #anxiety #youareenough #courage #wheredidmommyssmilego

Are Bucket Lists Bad For Your Mental Health?

The other day I posted something on my Facebook and Instagram pages and attached a picture of a cute little dog with a caption that read “Is writing a book on your bucket list?” It seemed only fitting when I saw it as I had just found out that I was being awarded a grant from a non-profit organization for the publication and outreach of my children’s book which also meant that something I had only dreamt about for a long time was no longer just a wild dream but in reality one of the biggest accomplishments of my life.

The thing is though, writing a children’s book, or actually publishing one wasn’t even on my bucket list at all, and the reason being is that I’ve never given it much thought to having a bucket list. I mean I have always had goals and aspirations, or things that I have always hoped for or dreamt about experiencing in my lifetime just like everybody else but I have only ever made a mental note of them. In order for something to truly be considered part of a bucket list one must write them down, keep track of them, create timelines, make plans or goals and then scratch them off your list one by one throughout your lifetime.

When you really stop and think about where the meaning behind a bucket list originated from it can feel quite morbid as this list is a reflection of what you want to accomplish before you die or as the phrase implies; “kick the bucket”! This can often result in poor mental health when we become consumed with trying to check all these items off of our list suggesting that it’s the only way we can win at life.

So why can having a bucket list result in poor mental health? Well for starters, bucket lists focus on things that are often unattainable to most people and can in turn cause anxiety or depression. It’s very important to set goals and have aspirations, along with hopes and dreams but if it’s on your bucket list it may lose its meaning all together behind the actual experience, the reflection of the experience and the ability to live in the moment when all you really care about is making sure you check each item off your list as quickly as possible.

Social media today of course can also play a huge role in why a bucket list can become harmful to our well-being because somewhere along the way we have lost what is truly important and that bigger doesn’t necessarily mean better. When you see others scratching items off their bucket list it can make us second guess our own goals and aspirations as well as our hopes and dreams.

It’s my birthday on Sunday and over the last several years it has become one of the most difficult days of the year for me. Birthdays often make us reflect on the year that has just passed and of course on the year ahead but this year in particular I find myself reflecting even more than ever as I continue to battle for my survival. Like a bucket list, our lives are forever changing and growing and if you do have a bucket list I’m pretty sure it has changed and grown with age.

I do make lots of lists (probably daily and you should see how long the list is right now), but more of a to-do list in order for me to be able to function even just a bit but as little as those items on my to-do list may seem to others, they are my goals and aspirations and sometimes my hopes and dreams and when they aren’t able to get scratched off right away I feel like a complete failure. But at least I know that even if they are small items and meaningless to others, they are attainable ones and seeing as it’s unlikely that I will ever go skydiving one day (seeing as I’m terrified of heights and flying that is probably the worst example ever) or eat croissants in a cafe in Paris, for now, my survival depends on just checking off the little moments in my life instead.

Do you have a bucket list? If so what’s on your list? Is it alphabetized, prioritized, colour coded or theme based? Who have you shared it with? How often do you add to it or make changes?

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

My Favorite Mother’s Day Present

Last year on Mother’s Day I chose me. You may recall how last year the five of us escaped the city for an entire day and night and spent time hiking, picnicking in the park, enjoying some cross border shopping and then finished the day off with dinner together at a restaurant of my choosing (See blog: This Mother’s Day I Choose Me; May 11, 2018). This year the timing (and weather for that matter) won’t allow for a hike or a picnic in the park or some cross border shopping or possibly even dinner all together but today I’m still choosing me even if it means having to do so in shifts as the girls are spending the afternoon with their Buby at a play and the boy has his first Baseball game of the season this evening. But so long as I get a few uninterrupted, quality moments with my babies this Mother’s Day it will all be worthwhile.

Since becoming a Mom, Mother’s Day has never been about presents, except of course the ones that were created with love and sticky fingers but many years ago my kids did buy me a gift that over time has become a very personal collection of everything that is important to me, and tells a story, one that is unique to only me. Can you guess what it was? Okay, fine I will tell you…they bought me a bracelet from Pandora with a charm attached that simply read “MOM”.

Those three letters mean more to me than anything else in this world and those three kids who made me a mom are my reason “why”. They are also the reason why I never take my bracelet off my wrist. I find myself looking at it a lot lately, always touching it, examining it and fidgeting with every charm I have received since then. This bracelet l wear proudly on my wrist is my daily reminder of how much I am loved. I may only have seven charms on my bracelet but each one of them signifies a piece of me and the most beautiful and meaningful parts of my story but no matter what or how many I choose to display upon my wrist I probably don’t need to tell you which one truly means the most.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the beautiful mom’s out there who are blessed with having their own unique and meaningful story to tell.