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Guilt is an emotion that can weigh anyone down, but when suffering with depression and anxiety I can tell you that it is a persistent feeling that gnaws away at your insides like when a lion is eating his prey.  Guilt is defined as being both a cognitive and emotional state wherein our conscience mind believes that we have done something wrong, true or not, compromising one’s morals and enduring a significant amount of remorse.  However, sometimes feeling guilt can be a good thing as it may help to protect us or keep us from making mindless or foolish mistakes unless it becomes excessive and infringes on unhealthy territory, keeping us from functioning a normal life.

Feeling guilty about something is a natural and human emotion that affects everyone at some point in their life, some more than others.  Occasionally we feel guilty because we ate that last piece of cake even though we had been dieting all week, or we chose to skip the gym that morning because we were too tired and just wanted to stay in our pajamas all day curled up on the couch watching Netflix instead.  Sometimes we find ourselves feeling guilty because we have been too busy working on a project at work and have neglected our loved ones or maybe we bought yet another pair of shoes we had been eyeing at the mall for weeks spending too much money unnecessarily.

These types of guilty feelings usually vanish within a few hours of its onset, leaving little to no damage or repercussions behind, but when it comes to depressive and anxious minds, guilt becomes so overwhelming and uncontrollable.  For me guilt has become a normal part of any given day, continually allowing my subconscious mind to blow things out of proportion, causing daily bouts of self-blame, self-doubt, low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness.  Guilt has caused me to be extremely indecisive, insecure and constantly laying blame on me with no justification or rationality.  It carries a heavy weight around with you, leaving you unable to reason or problem solve properly like an individual with a healthy mind.

I have been working a lot lately with the help of therapy trying to figure out ways to lessen the overpowering and forceful feelings of guilt by first trying to reprogram my brain into understanding that first and foremost, I did not choose to become depressed and anxious just like someone would not choose to have cancer or diabetes.  For many people suffering from depression, guilt can be very manipulative and darn right stubborn.  It further antagonizes and exasperates an already fragile mind when trying to shift the persistence of negative thoughts into more positive ones, or mastering our boundaries when it may risk disappointing others, or learning sometimes that the word “no” is actually a complete sentence which demands no further justification.

Guilt has become for me like a gift that keeps on giving, a very toxic and unrelenting one as I continue each and every day to find a way to understand how I got here, who I am, who I want to be and where I go from here.  The one thing I do know for sure is that the only way I’m going to find these answers is by squashing the guilt, one layer at a time, like peeling the skin off an onion.  It is only recently that I am learning through therapy how to peel those layers away and that in order to do so I need to choose ME.  So for now, as selfish as it may seem to some, and as guilty as I may feel…I CHOOSE ME.

Last week CAMH (Centre For Addiction & Mental Health) was entrusted with the largest donation ever for mental health in the sum of 100 million dollars by an anonymous donor.  CAMH is a teaching hospital as well as the world’s largest research hospital for mental health and addiction.  CAMH services both children and adults alike through assessments, interventions, both inpatient and outpatient programs, group interactions, continuing care and family support, none of which would be made possible without the aid of funding, grants and donations.

CAMH has stated that the donation of 100 million dollars will go toward developing cures for psychiatric conditions that affect millions and millions of people around the globe each year.  Their president and CEO, Dr. Catherine Zahn, says that the money will allow them to “foster research focused on understanding disease mechanisms, improving diagnosis, and new ways to predict, prevent and recover from mental illness.”

A donation of this magnitude is a defining moment for anyone who has ever been afflicted by any sort of mental illness whether it is themselves or a loved one.  It proves that voices are being heard and that a very taboo, stigmatized and much avoided topic are finally being embraced instead of passed over.  It is a demonstration that humankind is ready for change and ready for acceptance by putting hope back into a society that has been lost for so many individuals suffering from mental illness.

The Philanthropist who made this unprecedented, anonymous and beyond generous donation is just one of the millions of people who have been touched by the overwhelming grief and devastating impact that mental illness can cause on a person and their family.  It is paving the way for much needed open dialogue and de-stigmatization.  It is closing the enormous gap between donations that are normally made to other health-care related illnesses like cancer, diabetes and heart disease.  There really is no way to describe the emotions that came over me when I first learned of this awe-inspiring gift, truly a gift made in good faith and with great confidence that an institution such as CAMH would take great care and consideration of.

CAMH first opened its doors over 150 years ago on Queen St (where its original location still remains today) and was known as the Provincial Lunatic Asylum.  Over centuries and decades the name has been changed several times, each time becoming less and less denounced in nature, but still a place where society shunned and avoided talking about.  When the hospital finally restructured in the late 1990’s and renamed once again to CAMH it became a safe environment filled with lots of aspiration, building upon its main goal of transforming the lives of mental illness sufferers through social change, education and recovery.

Over the past few years I have utilized several of CAMH’s services as many are offered through other hospitals and facilities in and around the Toronto area thanks to funding that is already in place, however, I have not come by it easily.  I have talked in length about the lack of support available, the wait lists for government funded programs, facilities, doctors, hospital beds and therapy, all of which have greatly impacted my recovery.  And lets not forget the burden I feel that I have put on my GP as each road block I hit, she is the one that is obligated to oversee my care, care that someone trained in mental health clearly should be facilitating.

So is it possible that we don’t only look to future research when strategically planning ways to use this incredible gift, but to maybe also consider taking a long hard look at the here and now.  The here and now can build upon or strengthen more facilities, more bed availability and more programs; the here and now can access more therapy and proper resources for patients in dire need and the here and now can alleviate some pressure from untrained doctors or facilitators.

Either way, I along with so many mental illness sufferers, whether vocally or silently, are beyond grateful for this donation.  Either way, 100 million thank-you’s will never be enough.

***PLEASE READ TO THE END***

As many of you may already know, last year I decided to stop taking antidepressant medications after two (+) years of unsuccessful results.  In that two (+) years of trying at least 20 different combinations of drugs it further complicated matters as my immune system became weakened and in turn created so many additional problems.  When my husband and I approached my Psychiatrist at the time about our decision to stop my medications in order to give my body a much needed rest, he was not a willing participant however he agreed and began the difficult task of weaning me off all the drugs I was taking.

The process of weaning off many of these drugs can be a very slow and very painful one, but the damage they were causing my body was unfathomable in comparison.  Many of the physical symptoms that manifested over the two (+) years began to disappear as the detox took place.  What this meant for me was no more weekly or monthly visits to Rheumatologists, Dermatologists, Cardiologists, Gastroenterologists and a variety of other specialists.  What this also meant for me was the uncertainty of “now what”?   My Psychiatrist did urge me to try one more medication which ended in the same unfortunate result as all the prior attempts, including ECT and Ketamine during some of my hospital admissions.

Although I was no longer dealing with many of the physical issues anymore I was back to square one which led me to begin abusing my body in other ways to try and mask my depression and anxiety.  Over the past year (+) I have spent a great deal of time researching other methods of recovery by reading one self-help book after another, trying medical marijuana and several other non-traditional techniques which led me to the discovery of CBD oil.

CBD which stands for Cannabidioil is a cannabis compound that is said to have a significant amount of medical benefits, without leaving you feeling “stoned” or change your state of mind and is being used as an anti-inflammatory, antidepressant and antipsychotic remedy.  Researchers say that we are all born with cannabinoid receptors which are “located throughout the body and are part of the endocannabinoid system, which is involved in a variety of physiological and central nervous system processes including appetite, pain sensation, mood, immune function, sleep, bone development and memory.”

CBD is quickly becoming a household name.  It is a welcomed source of pain management for people trying to avoid taking harmful and sometimes deadly opiates; it has also been known to manage epileptic seizures; and is being used more and more as a therapeutic approach to Cancer, Lupus, Autism, Parkinson’s, Diabetes, Alzheimer’s, Arthritis, MS, along with Heart / Liver & Kidney Diseases.  Besides these amazing benefits CBD is also said to relieve inflammation in the body, digestive issues, fibromyalgia, nausea, migraines, skin conditions like psoriasis and acne, and many mental health conditions from OCD, ADD/ADHD, psychosis, bi-polar, depression & anxiety.

Recently I came upon a company in the States that was marketing CBD oil along with a number of other products, many of which contain CBD.  I reached out to several individuals in the company and began researching the products, their affects, its legality and then read probably hundreds of testimonies.  In the end, it was the testimonies that left me in tears and an even larger desire to try it for myself.  As I have mentioned recently, my resources have run thin and I have been told time and time again that I have treatment resistant depression, so I figured why not?

My husband also encouraged me to give it a try after he too spent a great deal of time researching the oil as well as the company itself.  It took about a week for the bottle of oil to arrive and that night I eagerly started taking it.  I was told to start with the 500 mg bottle (I ordered the peppermint flavor), taking 5 drops under my tongue in the morning and 5 drops before bed.  After a few days I began to increase it until I reached a therapeutic dose.  I have now been taking it for a month and decided that was more than enough time to give a fair assessment.  When I wake up in the morning feeling anxious, within minutes of taking my dose my heart palpitations subside and my nausea dissipates.  I have never had this happen to me before with any other medication I have tried, not even when I have abused a recommended dose given by doctors.  I am still taking it twice a day and take it more often when facing adversity or any type of social situation.  I ordered a second bottle last week and I am awaiting its arrival along with a spray to help with sleep.  I have increased it to the 750 mg bottle this time in hopes that it will begin to take control of my depression as well.

http://www.hempworx.com/jahara my own personal website

http://www.mydailychoice.com/jahara

Every year on January 1st millions of people around the globe make a solemn promise to themselves that they are going to ‘turn over a new leaf’.  We promise ourselves that we are ready to leave behind an undesirable bad habit or behaviour, and for some, we believe we are ready to accomplish a new personal goal in order to change our lives for the better.  We have heard them all before; I’m going to start to eat healthy, lose weight and exercise more; I’m going to quit smoking or drink less; I’m going to improve my finances, start a new career, volunteer at my favourite charity or go back to school; I’m going to read more, relax more, take a vacation, study more or pursue a new hobby; I’m going to spend more quality time with my family and friends, less time on social media and improve upon my mental well-being.

We enter into each new year with great intent to follow through on our resolutions, however, statistics show that even with our great intentions, close to 90 percent of people fail to meet their goal, and quickly.  Maybe it was because we made too many promises to ourselves, or maybe we just got busy again with life and forgot that we even made these promises to begin with, or maybe we were just too drunk when we came up with the idea in the first place! (LOL)

At one time or another in my life when New Year’s Day rolls around, I have set out to accomplish many of these resolutions and for the most part I quickly become one of the many statistics who could not succeed in their efforts.  Nowadays, the thought of making any kind of New Year’s Resolution is met with very crippling emotions.  It is a simple reminder that another year has passed and I am still battling to overcome adversity.  It is a simple reminder that I am unable to feel triumphant and it is by far a simple reminder that I am still left feeling defeated in my efforts.

There is a great deal of pressure surrounding New Year’s and especially when it comes to resolutions.  A new year signifies a fresh start, reflecting on the year that we are leaving behind, a time for a rebirth if you may.  It is a time for tradition and rituals like sipping champagne or kissing your loved ones at midnight.  It is a time for us to celebrate, a time for reflection, a time to take control and it is a time for great promise.  Clearly it is a time for transformation.

Living with depression and anxiety looming over you 365 days in a row, threatening your will to live, your motivation and your purpose can impede greatly on your ability to make that transformation at the start of a New Year.  Trust me I have tried.  Instead I feel like I am a flying trapeze artist, with no safety net below, no safety harness attached to me, trying to hang on for dear life.  Each day I find myself trying to climb up that ladder to the trapeze, stepping on a very narrow platform, grabbing hold of the very cold bar dangling in the air and begin swinging, hoping something will finally catch me before I fall.  Each day as I swing from the flying trapeze I aim to soar across to the other side, embracing my future and devoid of the darkness in my past, clearly trying to find my transformation.

As 2018 quickly approaches I will not be making any New Year’s Resolutions this year as it is best to not overwhelm myself with more feelings of failure or disappointment.  I will not pressure myself into thinking that the start of a New Year will translate into a new me.  I have already lost three New Years to date and I have yet to find that transformation I so desperately need to survive this disease, not without lack of trying.  So for now as I enter the New Year, I will try to hang on to that bar, I will try to keep swinging and I will try to learn how to soar.

At some point in your life you have probably looked at yourself in the mirror, fixated on the unrecognizable image staring back at you, preoccupied and possibly dazed, you whisper to the world, “why me?”  “Why me” is most often expressed at a time when you are left trying to understand why you have been put into a difficult situation, or why something bad has happened to you.  “Why me” limits your sense of hope and control and leaves you with more questions than answers causing extra unnecessary exhaustion while trying to balance your thoughts.

Throughout my journey I have subconsciously found myself in front of that mirror too many times to count, fixated on the unrecognizable image staring back at me, preoccupied and dazed, whispering to the world, “why me?”  When looking in that mirror the most overwhelming emotion that comes to mind is how much I miss the person I used to be.  It is met with significant and intense pain, sadness and heartache as I have had to learn how to accept my fate for what it is because resistance and denial only deepen the wounds.

Acceptance of any kind can often be unfair, sometimes difficult and many times extremely challenging or downright impossible.  Learning to accept that I have a Mental Illness has been met with a great deal of opposition and a lot of trial and error.  It has taken on so many different faces as I have had to confront it head on and figure out how to acclimatize to it.  As I have been working toward my mental wellness, I have discovered many stumbling blocks along the way, and of late, finding myself moving two steps forward only to be quickly taken back three more.

Even though I have been able to accept the path in which I have been ushered down, I truly have given up on the hope that one day I will have some extraordinary metamorphosis or peace of mind.  It is difficult to accept something that is so taboo and stigmatized, but it’s a part of me, a part of who I am now.  Like it or not, this is my battle to win or lose, and with or without acceptance of it, I am the only person in charge of my own fate.  I know I cannot change the past or what has happened to me, I just need to play the cards in which I have been dealt.  So for now this is my acceptance.

In order to completely accept the journey I am on, I have begun to examine deep down inside myself.  I am trying to picture a reinvented future self and having to find the patience to do so knowing that it will be a slow, painful insight.  I have had to see things for what they really are, as inconceivable as they may seem.  I have also had to figure out and understand what works and what doesn’t work as my resources have become more and more of a challenge.  I know that a huge part of finding acceptance within is by surrounding myself with supportive, genuine people who can and do embrace all of me.  I need to be honest with myself and recognize that I cannot change the past, but most of all I need to learn how to stop punishing my present self.

So next time I find myself standing in front of that mirror, fixated on the unrecognizable image staring back at me, preoccupied and dazed, whispering to the world, “why me?”, I will try to see the more favourable part of my journey.  I will think about the acceptance I have given to others as well, by sharing my story over the past year, showing the real me, educating others who may be struggling themselves or have a loved one who is struggling to find their acceptance.  I will know that by learning to accept my mental illness, I am helping to end the stigma and in doing so I may even begin to recognize my purpose in this life.  They say that things happen for a reason, so maybe next time I stare at myself in that mirror instead of whispering to the world, “why me?”, maybe the best way to find acceptance within me is to instead shout out to the world, “WHY NOT ME?”