Go Ahead, Colour Outside The Lines

Twenty five years ago (give or take) I received a gift which I have held onto all these years later. It was a book called “All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten”, written by Robert Fulghum. When I was given the book I was just beginning a new career path (one of many regrets I have) and I was also a newlywed (25 years this spring!) and the book was a perfect celebration of both events even if at the time I didn’t know just how significant this book would truly be to my life. 

As a child we are taught very simple yet very valuable rules but by the time we become an adult we often think we know better and seem to forget the importance of these rules somewhere along the way. But these rules continue to follow us along our journey well into adulthood and in one way or another they will be tested and they will be a constant reminder to us through our failures, our tribulations, our practices and even through our triumphs and successes.

If only we continued to embrace the world around us as we once did in Kindergarten with optimism, adventure and like there ain’t nothing that’s gonna stand in the way of our dreams then maybe by the time we reach adulthood we could appreciate or be bold enough to practice some, if not all of Fulghum’s very important lessons he mentions in his book starting with learning to live our best life by ensuring we create a well balanced life. That means we need to “learn some and drink some and draw some and paint some and sing and dance and play and work everyday some.”  

I know I feel like I lost my way sometime after I reached adulthood and I would give just about anything right now to be able to live a well balanced life by adhering to the same simple rules for which we teach our children to in Kindergarten. For far too long now I have been playing an adult version of Hide-and-Seek which Fulghum describes as “Wanting to hide. Needing to be sought. Confused about being found.”  A perfect metaphor for where I am in my life and that maybe, had I learned back in Kindergarten that it was okay to colour outside of the lines or that it was okay to colour the sky pink or the grass purple I may have been better prepared for what lay ahead. But for now I am slowly learning to embrace a life where “warm cookies and cold milk are good for you” and that taking a nap is all part of good mental health.

No-one can really know for sure what their future holds but this book can encourage us and teach us that no matter what we do or where we end up in our life we must hold on tight to our creativity, we must be open to exploring new boundaries, we must grasp our arms tightly around our imperfections and we must remember how important it is to step outside of our comfort zone in order to live a well balanced life.  And we must also never forget that we are not alone and that “when you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together!”  

***Read the book if you haven’t already and read it again if you already have!

#allineedtoknowilearnedinkindergarten #robertfulghum #kindergartenoneohone #kindergarten #children #innocence #goodmentalhealth #wellbalancedlife #colouring #outsidethelines #embraceeachother #youareenough #bekindtoyourself #youarenotalone

Let It Go

Yesterday was a good reminder for all of us just how fragile life truly is and that we should never take it for granted. Yesterday was also a reminder that no-one on this earth is invincible and that tomorrow is never promised. Today as the world mourns the loss of Kobe Bryant, his beautiful daughter Gianna and their seven friends that perished alongside them we must remember that Kobe was so much more than a basketball hero; he was a son, a husband, a father, a humanitarian and a legend.  One of his many mantras that he lived life by was “live today to inspire tomorrow” and boy did he ever live up to this in so many ways for so many people.

When I heard the news of Kobe’s passing through a text message from our son I was at, of all places, a Shiva for a friend’s father who had recently passed away at the ripe ‘ole age of 93.  For those of you who may not know what a Shiva is, it is a week-long mourning period in the Jewish faith which begins immediately following the burial. A Shiva allows for a parent, a sibling, a spouse and/or a child of the deceased to accept visitors during this period of mourning to give their condolences and to provide comfort to the mourners.

As the news began to spread feverishly around the world many people looked to find their own ways to comfort one another and find meaning from this tragic loss of life. And in that very moment, as I was surrounded by a room full of mourners I found comfort and meaning in one of Kobe’s many life messages as I suddenly found myself face to face with a grievance from my past by someone who had wronged me many years ago and who just so happened to be standing two feet in front of me!  In that moment I needed to make peace in my heart because after all, tomorrow may never come. I’ve held a lot of anger and resentment toward this individual for all these years but suddenly it felt so insignificant and unworthy.

Throughout the better part of my illness I have spent a lot of time examining and re-examining past relationships including this one and I know that in order for me to move forward I need to learn how to let go of the pieces of my past that affect my wellbeing the most because life is too short and so yesterday I took another step toward finding peace in my heart after our brief but purposeful encounter!  
#itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #courage #kindness #lifestooshort #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #purpose #letitgo
Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

Am I A Cold Turkey?

Today is day four since I smoked my last cigarette and I know I am a long way off from calling myself an ex-smoker however I am already feeling many of its healthy benefits. The bronchial-like cough that has been pestering me every morning for years just disappeared without a trace and the nighttime whistling in my throat and wheezing in my lungs just vanished into thin air as well (smoking is just sooooo glamorous)!

Although the health benefits should make it all worthwhile I’m not gonna lie to you because this has been an exceptionally difficult four days for me mentally. There are many moments throughout the day that I crave a cigarette, there’s also the craziness of trying to navigate my day through my trigger points and lets not forget the physical side effects that can occur when a person quits any addiction cold turkey. 

I felt like I was ready to quit smoking as I mentioned in my previous blog (Wish Me Luck Because I Quit; January 14, 2020) but I’m still not sure that quitting cold turkey is ever the smartest way to tackle it. It’s something I should know better than to do since I am very familiar with the side effects of trying to go off any type of drug including antidepressants, nicotine, opiates or alcohol that your body has become both mentally and physically dependent upon. 

Quitting any of the above substances cold turkey can actually be very dangerous and although nicotine is probably one of the safest ones to stop abruptly I’m afraid that my already vulnerable state of mind will only lead to failure.  

I’m not regretting my decision to quit smoking but I am certainly regretting my decision to do so like a cold turkey being what my mental state is like to begin with. But I know that there will never be the perfect way to quit smoking or that there may never be the perfect day or the perfect month or even the perfect year to find the courage to quit either. And maybe I’ve just come to terms with my reality that I may never find the light at the end of the tunnel that I’ve so desperately been searching for that has made me hold onto that desire to keep smoking until now.

But perhaps I may have discovered something else over the last few days, possibly more powerful than any of the above revelations and that maybe my fainting episode/concussion happened for a reason, one that is outside the realm of science. I can see now that it was my mind’s way of telling my body that I still wasn’t quite ready for the new year to begin and that I still needed a few more steps back in order to help me move forward and that both my body and my mind were in desperate need of a damn good rest in order to clear the air from all the smoke that’s been standing in my way.

#coldturkey #iquit #selfcare #smokefree #cravings #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #courage #depression #anxiety #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness 

Prince Harry: Becoming His True Authentic Self

PRINCE HARRY: BECOMING HIS TRUE AUTHENTIC SELF

I saw a quote recently which has really stuck in my head ever since. It read: “The best weight you will ever lose is the weight of other people’s opinions.”  I know that it’s difficult for most of us to not care what other people think or feel about us but I also know that it can take a toll on our mental health and wellness too.  We as human beings instinctively want to be accepted and need to feel desired by others but by allowing their opinions to matter more than your own intuitions is essentially giving away all your power to become your true authentic self.

By always looking for the approval of others instead of trusting your own judgment will without a doubt lead you down a path in which you will one day wake up and find that you have become a shell of yourself because you were always trying to be a “People Pleaser” and had lost the power to be your true authentic self amidst the need to please others. 

This week Prince Harry and his wife Meghan Markle sent an important message out into the universe (through Social Media of course).  Ok so maybe they went about it in the wrong way according to the Royal Family and of course all the trashy Tabloid Magazines but I read their message through an entirely different lens; a Mental Health one that is.  

Prince Harry has been very open about his struggles with Mental Illness and is a huge advocate and philanthropist for Mental Health.  We have watched him grow up in the public eye and although he was born into Royalty, it has seemed as though for many years now (long before Meghan ever entered the picture) that Buckingham Palace may not have been the home he would have chosen for himself. 

Maybe he had no choice but to obey the opinions of others for so long, knowing just how powerful his family was but now that Prince Harry (not sure how much longer we can call him that!) is married with his own child to love and protect he has recognized that the opinions of others have weighed him down far too long and he is ready to take his power back (well sadly he never had his own power) in order to discover his true authentic self.  

I say kudos to him for bravely stepping away from the comfort he has known his entire life and being able to finally say “I Choose Me”, and whatever path this journey takes them from here on in, I know that it will be one of true authenticity and growth which are both key to good Mental Health and Wellness. 

FYI: Baby Archie has spent the last week right here in Toronto with Meghan’s best friends Ben and Jessica Mulroney if anyone cares to get a sighting of the Royal baby!

#ichooseme #trueself #authenticself #othersopinionsdontmatter #yourmentalhealthmatters #selfcare #selflove #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #youareenough #itsoktonotbeok #princeharry #meghanmarkle #royalfamily #royalintheirownway #advocateforyourself #brave #courage 

Please continue to follow my journey at https://youareenough712.wordpress.com 

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

What is Your Proudest Accomplishment of 2019


I’ve had to take several steps back during the last few weeks of 2019 to try and figure out what I need most right now in my life in order to help me move forward into 2020. It’s been a very difficult year for both myself and my family but at the same time I certainly can’t nor won’t forget my proudest accomplishments and all the good things that have happened for me as well.

This past year has taught me so much about myself and as I enter into the new year (and decade) today and try to regain some of those baby steps forward I know that I first need to learn how to crawl before I can learn to walk or run; an important lesson we could all learn from. We may also need to be reminded as the new year begins that we should try and set small and attainable goals; not resolutions, that we need to inspire one another, that we need to lift each other up, that we need to create healthy boundaries, that we need to be kinder to each other, that we need to judge less and forgive ourselves and others more, that we need to make self-care our number one priority, that we are not alone, that we can do anything; not everything and last but certainly not least we need to never forget that YOU ARE ENOUGH!

#letsshareourproudestmoments
#myproudestaccomplishmentthisyear
#wheredidmommyssmilego #childrensbook #author #goodriddance2019 #selfcare #ichooseme #youarenotalone #bekindtoyourself #checkonyourlovedones #startaconversation #dontsufferinsilence #yourmentalhealthmatters #goals #blogger #2020vision #dreams #itsoktonotbeok #youareenough

Reflection Of A Decade

REFLECTION OF A DECADE

It’s crazy to think about it but we are not only about to enter a whole new year but an entire new decade as well.  It’s kinda difficult right now for me to reflect back on the last decade with joy in my heart because for more than half of the last ten years I have spent it trying to survive and well truth be told, trying to die. 

I do know though that somewhere buried beneath my illness that my heart has felt a lot of pride and joy throughout the last decade from so many amazing highlights and milestones. In the past ten years we added a new addition to our family and Maggie has since filled our family with so much joy for close to nine years now. In the past ten years I’ve gotten to witness both Elementary and High School graduations galore (with one more to go in the new year!) and I have also watched all three of my children transition from pre-teens to teens and now into young adulthood as well. In the past ten years I got to plan and execute one of the greatest days of our lives with the celebration and milestone of Jacob and Hannah’s B’nai Mitzvah; a night which we were so blessed to be surrounded by so many of our loved ones.  In the past ten years we have also acknowledged and celebrated many more milestone birthdays as well including the most incredible family vacation in honour of Rachel’s 13th birthday. And I will never forget nearly ten years ago being able to experience the look on my kid’s faces when we walked through the gates of Disney World all together as a family!

Those are only a handful of the incredible highlights and milestones from the last ten years and there have been countless more but as I mentioned above it’s kinda difficult for me to feel the joy in my heart through the shattered glass of my illness when more than half of this current decade has been spent just trying to get through each day; basically I live each day in survival mode where the end goal is trying to avoid having a bad day. 

I never want to erase the incredible memories I’ve made during the last ten years and I certainly never want to forget the many successes either so as I enter into the next year and decade I will take with me what I have learned over this past year in order to make room for joy in my heart. I have learned so much about myself this past year alone and one of my greatest successes this year was being able to accept that if some days all I can do is survive, then that’s one step closer to joy. We all deserve to feel joy in our hearts and maybe I needed this past decade to teach me how.  

Wishing you all good health, joy and much success for 2020!

Please continue to follow my journey into the next decade at: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com

#2020 #happynewyear #findingjoy #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #reflection #youareenough #depression #anxiety #masksoff #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #endthestigmatogether #bekindtoyourself #ichooseme

2020 Vision

With the New Year only a few days away it’s a constant reminder of how it has become one of the most difficult days of the year for me as there is this unwritten expectation that is placed on the day to reflect on our past year in order to make the coming year all about bright, fresh starts filled with an abundance of new opportunities. New Year’s is now a reminder for me as to how my depression keeps me saddened to my past and how my anxiety keeps me terrified to live in my future. Today I began my descent into 2020 by writing down some of my thoughts and reflections from this past year without placing too much pressure on myself. I made two columns: the first one was ‘What do I want to leave behind in 2019?” and the second one was “what do I want to take with me into 2020?” Here are just a few:

  1. I want to leave my past grievances behind which have taken up too much space in my head, I want to leave behind the guilt that keeps me ruminating daily and I want to leave behind so much of the anger I hold inside which stems from my illness.
  2. I want to find a way to let in more moments of happiness in 2020 and to allow myself to feel those moments of happiness. I want to pave a pathway to better health and wellness for not only me but for my family too so we can begin to heal together.

What would you like to leave behind in 2020 and what you would also like to bring with you into 2020? Love to hear your thoughts!

#newyear #twentytwenty #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #startaconversation #youareenough #noshame #endthestigmatogether #bekindtoyourself #ichooseme

My Tribe

The two most important things that I have learned along my journey would probably have to be from the day I decided 3 years ago to share my story and in doing so I have found out who my tribe truly is. 

I began to write about my journey in private and slowly I began to whisper it softly in close quarters but when I actually started to shout it from the rooftop my tribe gathered and now it’s overflowing with so much kindness and compassion. 

Over the last five and a half years I’ve been rejected by some, I’ve been judged by others and I’ve been the topic of many hurtful conversations behind my back but I no longer hold those people in my heart. I have learned to let it go because I know that I have such an amazing tribe rooting for me now and even though you may not always understand what I am feeling you still just want to be a part of my life and learn together, you still just want to hold my hand or give me a hug (even if it’s virtual) and you still just want to listen to me or just stand beside me with no strings attached because that’s what a tribe does for one another. And just knowing how much my own story has helped so many others to gather their own tribe too means that none of us have to walk through this journey alone. 

#mentalillness #depression #anxiety #myfamily #mytribe #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #youareenough #youarenotalone #endthestigmatogether #startaconversation #itsoktonotbeok

Maybe I Don’t Want To Get Better

No matter what’s going on in my life I have a very difficult time deriving any joy or pleasure from day to day activities or life events. I mean I do experience happiness in my life but then in the blink of an eye I can manage to twist every ounce of it into despair or displeasure. Just this past week alone there have been many moments of happiness including a long awaited job offer for Rich but I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop because that’s what depression and anxiety do to your mind.

My illness tells me that I don’t deserve to feel any joy or pleasure and maybe it’s right because lately it’s convinced me that maybe I don’t want to get better.
Maybe it’s just easier to surrender to this disease or to live with chronic depression and debilitating anxiety than to try and fight it. It’s kinda become the norm, maybe even somewhat comforting like an old worn out pair of slippers. Maybe if I can accept the fact that I will never get better then there will be less pressure on me as it feels as if it’s what is expected of me nowadays anyways. Maybe I’ve been lying to myself all along that recovery is what I really want.
Trying to pacify my pain and sadness seems near impossible when I’ve been trying for so long and nothing I do seems to be the right answer (including my new medication, see blog “Should I Or Shouldn’t I?” https://youareenough712.wordpress.com; Oct 30, 2019) which in turn just causes me more pain and more sadness.
Change can be terrifying after all and the truth is that depression and anxiety have become a big part of who I am now and everyone knows that human beings are creatures of habit.
So what if I do conquer this dreadful disease one day, then what am I going to be left with? Who will I become? Where will I belong? Will I have lost my purpose? How will I fit in? The fear of the unknown can sometimes be scarier than the known. Fear feels safe right now and protects me from further failure and hopelessness. But fear also takes away my power and motivation to allow me to find out just how worthy I really am.
#itsoktonotbeok #depression #anxiety
#suicideprevention #whoami #youareenough #bekindtoyourself #checkonyourlovedones #mentalillness #selfcare #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #youarenotalone #fears

It’s Not All Black And White

*May be Triggering*

The colours (shades, tones? Whatever you want to call them) black and white are as opposite as day and night. They are recognizably different from one another and clearly distinct from each other too. But not everything is always so black and white in this world and I can tell you that when it comes to suicide, things are never just black or white, more often than not, they are actually pretty darn gray.

The gray area of suicide isn’t just about wanting to end your life and being at peace with it, but it’s also about fighting to stay alive. I have been in that gray area more times than I care to admit to over the last many years and over the past couple of weeks it’s been no acception. I am finding myself totally obsessed with the colour gray.

I decided to look up the meaning of the colour gray; here is some of what I found: “The colour gray is impartial, detached, unemotional and indecisive – the fence sitter. Too much of the colour gray creates sadness and depression and a tendency to loneliness and isolation. The closer gray gets to black, the more dramatic and mysterious it becomes. The closer it gets to silver or white, the more illuminating and lively it becomes.” (empower-yourself-with-color-psychology.com/color-gray)

It has become increasingly more difficult each day trying to figure out which side of the gray fence I want to sit on and at the same time, the irony is not lost on me that most of my clothing is either black or gray. But the real kicker was that today I actually realized for the first time that my illness doesn’t want me to feel closer to silver or white, it doesn’t want me to become more illuminated or lively, it doesn’t want me to feel joy or happiness even when I am presented with it, and maybe it’s right.

1-833-456-4566 Suicide Prevention Canada

#endthestigmatogether #youareenough #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #itsoktonotbeok #suicide #youarenotalone #startaconversation #dontsufferinsilence #speakyourtruth #courage