After a very long and tiresome week, I did something today that actually made me feel proud of myself.
No matter what, I always seem to find a way to belittle my wins no matter how big or small they are.
I minimize my accomplishments.
I criticize my efforts, thinking I could’ve done better.
I devalue each baby step I take, feeling like one step is almost laughable.
It’s bullshit though because no matter how big or small the win is, the accomplishment, the effort or the step forward, it should be worth smiling about, patting yourself on the back for, celebrating the victory and allowing yourself a moment to feel proud.
Last evening I went to an appointment after work. The first thing the practitioner asked me before getting started was, “Has there been any significant changes to your medical history since you were last here?”.
While looking at my chart, the practitioner quickly added as reference, “you were last here in February of 2022”.
I paused for a moment as it registered in my mind that the last time I visited their office was just 6 weeks prior to my participation in the Psilocybin Research Trial.
A flood of emotions came over me.
Flashbacks to April 2, 2022 overcame my already anxious body.
I am easily triggered by everyday sights, sounds and smells, which bring me back to a certain time or place. This became one of those times.
I tried, with great difficulty, to stay composed and mustered up enough energy to just say NO.
I’d already been having a difficult week as it was and I knew that by me saying “NO” wasn’t going to change the course of my appointment either way; and besides, where would I even begin trying to explain to this poor, unsuspecting practitioner what has actually happened to me since I last saw her.
PTSD is very real and can be very complex. It most often occurs following a traumatic event or experience in one’s life and can be triggered by seemingly harmless situations that can send a person spiraling right back into the emotional horror of their past experience in a millisecond, which is exactly where I found myself last evening as I continue to live day in and day out with a neurological disorder that was caused by my treatment on April 2nd, 2022, a disorder which nobody seems to be able to fix, and many more not even willing to try.
Anxiety is challenging at the best of times, but today, it’s been super challenging for me and I just can’t seem to pinpoint one specific trigger.
I know there is lots hiding behind my subconscious mind right now and the combination of everything all at once is probably what’s making me feel this way today but still I can’t put my finger on what is causing this overwhelming sense of doom that’s been lurking around every corner since I woke up early this morning.
It’s relentless.
I made a promise to myself though as I anxiously drove home from work this evening that I would try and go easy on myself tonight. Selfcare being key.
I thought that maybe after taking a long, hot shower and getting into a pair of cozy, warm pajamas after work would be a good place to start in helping me to find the courage and strength to fight back against my anxiety; and if that didn’t help then I would gently remind myself again that it’s ok because “courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice in your head at the end of the day saying; I will try again tomorrow.” ~ unknown
Be proud of yourself for surviving the days you thought you couldn’t.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…and kindness.
Today is “World Kindness Day”.
The world needs kindness more than ever right now so as you go about your day today inspire kindness, spread kindness and make kindness the norm.
We can all spread kindness and love. Celebrate today by spreading that kindness and love onto someone else, and don’t forget to leave some for yourself too because a simple act of kindness can go a very long way!
Today, we took to the trails for a much needed mental health break and #summerofrich adventure not too far from home.
Tomorrow is Rich’s birthday.
The last nine birthdays he has celebrated have been spent loving someone battling Depression. One such birthday he even had to go so far as to ask my Psychiatrist during a hospital stay for special permission to sign me out of the hospital for a couple of hours so that we could go for a quick dinner nearby to celebrate.
Loving someone with Depression is NOT easy. Being a caregiver to someone with Depression is NOT fun. You want so desperately to try and fix them, but you can’t. You feel helpless in everything you do and just pray that your words, your kind gestures, or maybe even your hugs will be enough to make everything better, but it won’t.
Nothing they do seems to make a difference. Their words, their kind gestures, and even their warm hugs only go so far when someone is battling a debilitating illness such as Depression.
Depression changes everything, including relationships. It builds walls around people and between them too. Rich has probably heard it all by now from outsiders looking in over the past nine years. Everything from “Man, I don’t know how you do it!”, to “You must be a real Saint!”, to my most favourite one of all, “Are you gonna leave her?”
Yup I’ve been a burden for the last nine plus years, and that’s my honest truth. I am continually apologizing to Rich for being such a burden to him and our family, and I probably tell him ten times a week how much better off he would be if I was “gone”.
He doesn’t see it that way, though, and just tries his best to always listen to me.
It’s not easy, nor fun.
Loving someone with Depression takes great strength. It means constantly having to listen or bare witness to many shocking and very upsetting things that they may say or do.
But still, Rich lets me talk.
He’s not perfect, but who is? He’s made mistakes along the way, he feels rejected at times and he gets frustrated and angry at other times but he acknowledges my pain, he validates it and although he may not always understand it, it’s what loving someone unconditionally means. It’s often a very thankless job!
If you love someone with Depression don’t be afraid to ask them what they need most from you right now. I can assure you it’s probably just knowing that you are there, sitting beside them in that darkened tunnel, silently listening to them, allowing them to speak their truth without feeling judged or pushed and letting them know that no matter how long it takes, you will still be there waiting for them when they do find their way out of that darkened tunnel.
I am beyond grateful knowing that I have that someone in my life. He definitely deserves to be celebrated tomorrow and every day in between.
I had no real expectations about how my day would play out, I just knew I wanted a day for myself, by myself, to decompress.
Which I did.
But, still I managed to beat myself up for thinking I should’ve been more productive even with selfcare being top of mind throughout the whole time which even included a visit to my therapist at the end of the day.
As I said in my post yesterday, taking one day off from work for a mental health break isn’t going to unburden the significant amount of heaviness in my life right now, I’m still glad I finally did it.
Today I am overwhelmed trying to catch up from being off one day, but I have set up my own little zen garden on my desk, next to me, to help reduce my level of stress and give me a feeling of tranquility, calmness and peace moving forward.
I’m taking a much needed mental health break from work today.
Prioritizing self care over work is essential when we have the flu, but why doesn’t it seem to feel that way when it comes to our mental health?
Taking a mental health day has been top of mind for me since the beginning of summer, but I just kept allowing the guilt to consume me, making one excuse after another to myself as to why it never felt like the right time. I’ve needed this day off, to decompress, ALONE. A day to myself to relax my mind and calm my nervous system. A day to do anything I want to or nothing at all. A day to try and center myself. A day to reflect and refocus. A day to give my anxiety and burnout some relief. A day to just take a brief pause from all my emotional distress.
I have a certain number of “sick/personal” days allocated to me from work so why the heck shouldn’t I use them? It’s not like I’m able to carry them over into the next calendar year or be paid out for them if not taken.
So about a week or two ago I made a promise to myself that November 1st would finally be the day. My choosing of this particular day was methodically thought out and included a look at everyone else’s schedules in my home as well. I wanted to wait until October was over so I could make sure to wrap up any loose ends for the month, and, I also thought that since November 1st landed in the middle of a work week, it would still allow me a couple of days following to catch up before the weekend.
I wasn’t going to let guilt stand in my way this time, and besides, I was all out of excuses.
While I know that one day isn’t going to unburden me from the significant amount of heaviness in my life right now but maybe it will be enough to at least help to boost my level of motivation which has been certainly lacking of late. Maybe my mental, emotional and physical health will even thank me for it later.
A gentle reminder…your mental health matters. Make yourself a priority and never feel guilty for taking care of YOU. No more excuses.
The Torah explicitly states that people of Jewish faith are forbidden from getting tattoos and if you choose to do so then you would be limited from participating in many of their religious practices and rituals, including being buried in a Jewish cemetery.
On a hot summer day back in July of 2015, a year and a bit into my mental health journey and before the #summerofrich was even a thing, Rich and I were casually strolling through Kensington Market, enjoying a quiet Saturday afternoon together while the kids were all away at camp when we passed by a tattoo parlour. I had been thinking for some time about getting a tattoo for the first time in my life. I was 44. I’d been holding onto a photo in my phone, which I had created, and felt it symbolized a piece of who I am and would be a beautiful reminder of what is most sacred in my life.
I went for it. I got the tattoo with Rich’s encouragement.
I decided to place my first tattoo on my left shoulder blade and although it’s tiny and only visible on a hot summer day when I am wearing a tank top or bathing suit, it’s truly meaningful to me which is what I believe a tattoo should be (I’ve gotten 2 more since, each one representing another piece of who I am and have shared their importance with you many times since).
It’s a “Chai” which I added a dot on top of in order to also make a semicolon symbol as well.
“Chai” is a Hebrew word that when translated to English simply means “Life” but also possesses a numerical significance in the Jewish religion as well. It represents the number “18” which has become a longstanding Jewish tradition of gifting, contributing or donating in increments of $18. It is also considered a Mitzvah (a good deed in English) meaning “a gift of life”.
Along with its meaning of life it also carries many symbolic principles too, including kindness, thoughtfulness and selflessness which are three of the greatest characteristics a person can hold during their time here on earth. So you see, my tattoo has a lot of meaning behind it and is a permanent reminder of my daily struggle to continue living and the importance to continue sharing my story with you.
You see, a semicolon is not just any ole punctuation mark that an author would use to end a sentence, it instead indicates a brief pause, and for me that brief pause is a symbol of my life and the need to catch my breath in order to continue the rest of my story. We are all authors to our own stories and it’s ok if you need to take a pause between sentences.
My semicolon which is etched in ink on my shoulder forever has also become a symbol of great strength for me and its significance that my story isn’t over quite yet either.
The Jewish community is struggling immensely right now, many of whom are wanting to find meaningful ways to shout out in solidarity to the rest of the world that they are Jewish and proud as f*ck of it. Some have even been using their Facebook feeds to ask the question, would it be acceptable to get a tattoo as a way to express my feelings and still honour my faith?
Tattoos were once used to dehumanize us as Jewish people but over time they have become more and more of an accepted symbol of beauty, reflection and even reclamation.
To say that many people have been more critical than ever in the world right now would be an understatement. I came across this quote recently by Eleanor Roosevelt and I think it is a perfect way to answer their question;
“Do what you feel in your heart is right, for you’ll be criticized anyway.”
Expect criticism no matter what you do, but don’t allow it to derail your decisions. Resist the urge to criticize other people’s opinions and actions. It’s okay to feel deeply with your heart and not worry about what others think is right for you so long as you do it with kindness, thoughtfulness and selflessness.
Last year, as soon as Matthew Perry’s memoir was released I had to read it. He began his opening paragraph in the book by introducing himself, writing, “Hi, my name is Matthew, although you may know me by another name. My friends call me Matty. And I should be dead.”
After reading his book, I can honestly say, that was an understatement.
He fought many demons throughout his life, struggling with addiction, ptsd and depression for the better part of 30 years. Although staying sober had become his main focus over the last many years, it was still a daily battle and a lifetime one at that for anyone who has ever been caught in the web of addiction can tell you, but he was on the right path, which makes the news of his sudden passing all the more tragic.
I wrote a blog after I read his memoir and thought I would share it again.
Thank you Matthew for being such an inspiration and a true “F.R.I.E.N.D” to so many.
YouAreEnough 
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