Category: Mental Health

In just over a month from now, it will be 3 years since I took part in the Psilocybin (magic mushrooms) Clinical Research Trial (April 2, 2022) for treatment resistant depression, that, as most of you who follow me regularly know has left me battling life-altering neurological damage ever since. 


I’ve made little to no progress in finding a solution to calm my nervous system down after convulsing for close to 6 hours straight during the treatment. To this day I still live with daily brain zaps, tics and spasms, numbness, constant tingling in my hands and feet, blurred vision, a severe aversion to noise and touch and an unrelenting, unbearable disorder known as PGAD. To top it off, I continue to live with my daily symptoms of depression and anxiety, too.


I made a promise to myself shortly after completing my Psilocybin trip, or nightmare as I now call it, that I will never again participate in any type of clinical study that involves trying new medicinal treatments, procedures, or doing anything that could in any way alter my mind or body.


I wholeheartedly still believe in the importance of research, though. I know it is imperative for “the advancement of science and is the foundation for medical progress by providing evidence-based data on new treatments through rigorous research on human subjects.” 


So, instead, I have found other, less invasive ways to help science, and try, as much as I am able, to do my part to help others by participating in research projects over the past couple of years that won’t pose a risk or threat to my health, but are still just as important. 


The most recent one, which is being spearheaded by my Psychiatrist and funded by the Ontario Brain Institute, is divided into 2 tiers. I started tier 1 several weeks ago whereby I participated in 5 or 6 hours of deeply personal clinical interviews and assessments, all of which were conducted on Zoom, one-on-one, with a clinical research study assistant, and broken up into smaller increments over a two week period to help make it easier for both my schedule and mental health. 


The study itself is looking at ways to find the best matches and most effective treatment options for every individual person battling a mood disorder such as depression and bipolar disorder. The study will take 5 years to complete. 


With “most areas of medicine, researchers are able to use ‘biomarkers’ or clinical tests, blood tests, or imaging to help diagnose and treat an illness.” Although there have been some advancements in the search for biomarkers in mood disorders, there are still many roadblocks in the way. This is where tier 2 of this study comes into play and why I spent this afternoon at the hospital where the study is being conducted doing a series of tests including undergoing an MRI, blood work (lots of it), an EEG and lastly, I was given an “actigraphy device” which I now need to wear on my wrist for the next 2 weeks. 


The clinical research study assistant took me around to each of my appointments. 


An actigraphy basically “measures your movement” and tracks both your sleep and activity cycles. This includes, but is not limited to, when you fall asleep, how long you sleep, how often you wake during the night, how much time you are awake during the day and other patterns as well.


Today took a lot out of me. Way more than I expected it to. By the time I headed home I was exhausted, headachy, and nauseous but I have done my part and now I am looking forward to discussing some of my results with my Psychiatrist as one of the many reasons I chose to take part in this study was my ever growing curiosity and our lengthy discussions in the past few years about having a scan of my brain done, to see if, maybe, my brain shows any identifiable markers or patterns commonly associated with depression. So, my mission was accomplished. 


“Medical science has proven time and again that when the resources are provided, great progress in the treatment, cure, and prevention of disease can occur.”

Michael J. Fox

 

#researchstudy #actigraphy #mri #brainscan #forscience  #treatmentresistantdepression #science #neuroscience #clinicaltrial #mentalhealth #biomarkers #missionaccomplished

This morning, I was honoured to share a part of my journey, including my children’s book, and discuss the importance of self-care in both our personal and professional lives with another group of lovely, hardworking caregivers from the Toronto branches of the licensed home childcare agency I work at.

“You may not realize it, but every time you share your story, you’re taking the hand of someone who thought they were the only one.”~Nanea Hoffman

#selfcare #wheredidmommyssmilego #childcare  #takecareofyou #mentalhealth #wellness #youarenotalone

“Don’t be afraid. Be focused. Be determined. Be hopeful. Be empowered.” ~ Michelle Obama

I was reminded over the past week that I can do the hard stuff. 

I was reminded that although I may have no clue what tomorrow brings, I’ll be ready for it.

I was reminded that I am not alone in my struggles.

I was reminded that I need to keep it real.

I was reminded that I need to trust in the process.

I was reminded that I don’t have to fix what I did not break.

I was reminded that I don’t have to be afraid, so long as I can find the strength to stay focused, determined, hopeful, and empowered.

#stayfocused #determined #hopeful #empowered #dontbeafraid #michelleobama #mondaymotivation #familydayweekend #youareamazing #youareenough #mentalhealth 

I had a real shitty week. It all started last Saturday, and I continued to spiral  from there. It included yet another diagnosis to add to my growing list of issues I already contend with daily, which was immediately followed up with a biopsy. Yesterday afternoon, though, I received some positive news (not my biopsy results, that’s not happening for a few weeks). But the news I received, maybe for a brief moment, allowed me to wash away the stress and despair I have felt all week long. It allowed me to see the kinder, gentler side of life. And of myself. 


I made a promise to myself when I received the positive news via an email late yesterday afternoon, on “love” day and just hours before the start of the “Family Day” long weekend (here in Canada, or most of Canada that is) to hold onto this feeling. It made me believe that I am worthy and good enough. 


Self-love can be very powerful and can help set standards for how we want to be treated in all our relationships both with ourselves and others. People who truly love themselves first will, in turn, benefit from the happiest, most valuable relationship of all. 


Of course, this is not me. This is the most opposite of me as you can get. I shame myself daily, I put myself down daily, and I berate myself daily to the point that I have left many bruises and scars on my body and in my heart.  


If you were to ask me to name all the things that I love in my life, my list could be endless. Top 3, of course, are my husband, my kids, and my dog Maggie, but I could still go on and on naming more and more things that I love from there. Unfortunately though, you can be rest assured that upon conclusion of my list I will not have named one very important love; myself, no matter how many times a day I try to crush my inner voice and tell it to stop shaming me, putting me down and berating me.  


Trust me it’s something I work on daily trying to shut those damn voices up any way I can. My heart does know the importance of learning to love and accept myself and to try and see all the reasons why so many others love me too. 


Today, I am embracing those reasons why. Written in plain sight, right there on my shirt. In one big heart, gently pressing against my own heart. Everything I stand for. Reminding me that I am worthy. That I am good enough. Giving me plenty of reasons to love myself wholeheartedly. 


#selflove #plainsight #love #family #mentalhealth #wellbeing #treatmentresistantdepression #anxiety #relationships #loveyourself #longweekend #iamworthy #iamenough #positivevibes

This morning, when I arrived at work, I received a very welcomed distraction/email that had been delivered late Friday afternoon to my inbox. It was from one of the lovely childcare providers that works within my agency. In December, she had purchased several signed copies of my children’s book, “Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go?” from me so she could send to some of her friends who live in England. One of those friends sent her this gracious email as a thank you and asked her to pass on her kind words to me as well.

With very little motivation lately to do much of anything, it’s moments like these that give me the strength to get through another day.

#wheredidmommyssmilego #childrensbook #selfpublished #author #mentalhealth #strength #caregivers #parents #children #labouroflove #gratitude #kindness #ouryouthmatter #youareenough #mondaymotivation 

My mental health has been on a downward spiral of late. It all came to a head yesterday afternoon and brought me into crisis status. I came close to being carted off to the emergency room in the back of a police cruiser again.


I haven’t felt much like writing or sharing any of the painful parts of my journey lately (some of which I just can’t). I know I don’t owe it to anyone, but, at the same time, I feel this unwritten sense of obligation to do so which only puts even more pressure on my already fragile state of mind.


Writing is a creative outlet for me and should never feel forced. It’s supposed to be therapeutic, but lately, it’s felt otherwise. Maybe it’s because lately I’ve felt so defeated, disconnected, and as though I don’t belong here, there, or anywhere for that matter. 


I didn’t sleep much last night after the trauma my body and mind endured yesterday and I am still feeling quite shaken and anxious today, but when I awoke early this morning to a random and most appreciated private message on my Facebook page from one very thoughtful follower of mine where she shared with me, a half dozen pictures of beautifully painted rocks with an array of inspirational messages on them and a note attached that read,


“Saw this today and thought of you. 
Hope you have an awesome day.”,

I was quickly reminded that I do belong. I am surrounded by such an incredible community that continues to root for me. Her message of hope couldn’t have come at a better time. She had no idea of the trauma that took place yesterday but thought of me just because. I am so grateful. 


I wanted to share these beautifully painted rocks here today for anyone else reading this who may also need a message of hope or a gentle reminder that no matter what, you are worthy and enough too.


Happy Superbowl Sunday, everyone!


#youareenough #paintedrocks #beautifulmessages #messageofhope  #mentalhealth #youbelong #crisis #downwardspiral #connection #community #writing #blogger #therapeutic #sharing #itsoktonotbeok #agentlereminder #youmatter #Superbowlsunday

Starting this Tuesday, February 11th, until Friday, February 28th, I will be challenging myself to #pushforbetter by participating in the Canadian Mental Health Association’s (CMHA) “Push-Up Challenge”.


The goal of this challenge is to complete 2000 push-ups in the 18 days (or any alternative exercise one chooses). Each one of the 2000 push-ups represents the number of lives lost to suicide every day worldwide. 


I know firsthand just how difficult the winter months are for many. The “winter blues” and “seasonal affective disorder” (SAD) are so common. It’s very easy for someone to experience bouts of depression or, like myself, become more depressed during these long and dreary months. I miss my #summerofrich hiking adventures and outdoor time spent immersing myself in nature, moving my body, and decluttering my mind.


That is why, especially during this time of year, it is so important for my own mental wellness, self-care and resilience to find other ways to “push” myself to move my body and challenge my mind. 


But even if the goal of completing 2000 push-ups in 18 days (that’s 111 a day!!) feels a bit out of reach for me, or even if I need to modify my choice of exercise, I know that every “push-up” counts and that, no matter what, I will have succeeded in my continued efforts to raise mental health awareness and help end the stigma. 


My hope, as always, is that I can make a positive impact and inspire others to get their body and mind moving.


If you are up for the challenge, come join me (your mind and body will thank you!), or if you wish to make a donation, I have attached a link below. Every dollar raised will go towards supporting CMHA’s essential programs and services that help those impacted by mental illness every day and create better mental health outcomes. Last year’s efforts raised over 2 million dollars.


Stay tuned for updates and remember that mental health IS health and that if we work together, we can all “push” for better mental health.”


https://www.thepushupchallenge.ca/fundraiser/kimfluxgold

 

#pushupchallenge #suicideawareness #mentalhealthishealth #cmha #mentalhealth #seasonaldepression #winterblues #goals #endthestigma #pushforbetter #twothousandlives #eighteendays #youareenough 

Every year, for the past several, I have chosen “a word” to guide me through the year ahead. 


As I’ve mentioned several times, I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions as they have a 99.999 % chance of failure. A “word”, however, can help you to better focus on your goals and set intentions for all areas of your life instead. 


We are now a month into the new year. I’ve struggled to find my perfect word for 2025, that was until I recently started reading the new Mel Robbins book which I’d been excitedly waiting for its release, and realized I’d known my word all along. 


“Let them” may not actually be just one word, but is instead “two simple words” that “will change how you think about your entire life.”


Mel, who is a New York Times bestselling author, motivational speaker, a favourite Podcaster amongst the millions of her followers, first intoduced this since viral “Let Them” theory back in May of 2023 to the world. Her daughter was the inspiration behind it.


I turn to Mel often for guidance and inspiration which was why, after I kept seeing it show up on my social media threads daily, I decided to write a blog about the “Let Them” theory last spring. It has helped me to shift my energy and focus in several areas of my life. More importantly, it’s helped me to understand my boundaries and to stop expecting certain people to show up in my life in ways I need them to, but just can’t. 


I’m not quite there yet. I am still a work in progress and still learning how to fully protect my energy by not giving all my power away. I’m still trying to let go of things that no longer serve me which is why I am taking these two simple words with me into 2025 so I can focus on what truly matters to me by releasing the tightly held grip on what I can’t control. I know, wholeheartedly, how beneficial it is for my healing journey. 


My blog I wrote last year: https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2024/05/27/let-them-theory/


#letthemtheory #letthem #healing #mywordfor2025 #twosimplewords #healthyboundaries #incontrol #melrobbins #inspiration #motivational #mentalhealth #wellbeing #wheredidmommyssmilego #reading #blogging

1st month of 2025 is already in the books (only 48 days until spring!).

Thought it was a good idea to do a check-in today to see how you’re all doing and how you’d rate your 2025 is going so far for you.

For me, I feel like all I’m doing lately is surviving, but I survived month one. Yay, me!

Never underestimate the power of rewarding yourself, not merely because you did something well, do it for your healing, and because you survived another day.

#monthonedone #survival #2025 #healing #reward #myjourney #selfcare #checkin #mentalhealth #wellbeing #itsoktonotbeok #youareenough

Eight years ago today, on January 28, 2017, I posted my very first blog to Facebook (I did not create my actual blog website: youareenough712.wordpress.com until later that same year). In this first blog post I expressed some very personal details and asked myself an endless stream of difficult questions; many of which have still been left unanswered to this day and to be perfectly honest, probably never will be. I titled the blog post “The New Norm.” 


I don’t feel the need nor desire to reshare it with you again today because I realized just how much of my journey has shifted and evolved since then and that so much of what I wrote at the time feels irrelevant as to who I am in present day. It’s been a very bumpy ride but thanks to the many, many hours and patience of my wonderful therapist over the past many years I’ve discovered parts of ME I never even knew existed before which has also afforded me an opportunity to find some critical answers to a few of those burning questions I asked myself in “The New Norm”.


But I would once again like to reshare with you another blog I wrote a few years ago on January 28, 2019 on the 7th Anniversary of Jacob and Hannah’s B’nai Mitzvah which took place on January 28, 2012. I can’t believe it’s been 13 years already since one of the greatest nights of my life, my husband’s life and my children’s lives took place. (Check it out here for all the details: 


https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2019/01/28/misty-water-coloured-memories/)

I was so happy that night, trust me when I tell you, I was legit happy, living in the moment and beaming with pride. I’d spent countless months and hours leading up to that night planning and creating every last detail for our beautiful and super fun, Simcha. Never once throughout the evening did I have to pretend I was okay, not for even one second did I truly believe in my heart that I was anything but fine because I was fine, except now, as I look back on those incredible memories I find myself feeling sad and vulnerable sometimes when I look at that person in those pictures because to be perfectly honest again, she no longer exists. She is gone. I don’t even recognize her beauty and confidence or her zest for life. A new version of ME stepped into her role of mom, wife, sister, daughter, and friend just two short years later.


One of the many questions I ask myself in that first Blog “The New Norm” (and quite often since the beginning) was could I have somehow tried to stop the onset of my illness from happening? What could I have done differently? I was happy, I was fine, I was okay but I know now that the one thing the old version of ME was missing in her life was purpose and maybe that meant I needed to take this path in order for ME to find it. 


#blogger #childrensbookauthor #youareenough #mentalhealthadvocate #purpose #me #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #thenewnorm #wheredidmommyssmilego #depression #anxiety #suicideawareness #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone