Category: Mental Health

I decided it’d be a good idea for me to vote early for the upcoming federal election, which is what I did today, and so, too, did my family. 


I know my limitations well enough to know that on the day of the election, I’d potentially be too overwhelmed after another stressful day at work and end up not voting at all. 


Canadian politics, or politics in general, have never been my thing. I’ve tried, but if I’m being honest, over the last decade or so, I’ve been way more caught up in the political circus of our American allies than that of my own country’s politics. Like I said, if I’m to be completely honest. 


For most of the world, it’s been hard not to watch the trainwreck unfold south of the border. But, while I’ve been busy watching that trainwreck unfold across the border, much like that of an unscripted, sensationalized, very dramatic and often entertaining reality show, our own spectacular country was becoming its own trainwreck too.


I love my country. I am so proud to be Canadian. But in more recent years, my beautiful country has become unrecognizable while living in fear, trying to raise my Jewish family here. It is why I needed to go vote today, especially after waking to the news this morning that 3 local Jewish businesses had been vandalized overnight. I didn’t want to miss out on my privilege as a Canadian citizen and my right to do so, knowing that our country needs to be saved. I can’t look away any longer, also knowing that this election is more vital than ever before. 


And that every vote matters 💙 🎗


#vote #federalelection #privilege #righttovote #proudcanadian #ourbeautifulcountry #everyvotecounts #livinginfear #jews #Israel #bringthemhomenow #family #mentalhealth 

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” – Eleanor Roosevelt


To say your dad and I are proud of you, Rachel would be an understatement. 


When the world shut down in March of 2020, just a few months before your high school graduation, I was heartbroken for you (which is what ultimately led me to create my Graduate lawn sign campaign that spring, raising over $20,000 for youth mental health over the next few years).


A once in a lifetime grad trip canceled, a prom dress never to be worn, and a graduation ceremony that took place online some 8 months after you graduated. 


But with such resilience and style, you moved on, more focused and determined than ever. With several university acceptance letters in hand to your future dream of becoming an interior designer, you made the best of it. In preparation, that summer, you turned our living room into your oasis and an art studio before beginning your studies that fall from the comfort of home for the better part of the next 2 years. 


There were many ups and some downs along the way. Those downs are what ultimately lead to your decision to take a semester off to focus on yourself halfway through your 4 year degree program. Your dad and I admired your strength and stood by your decision 💯 percent. 


You went back the following semester, more focused and determined than ever, landing an amazing internship last summer as well, which you continue to work for today; even more proof that not only does hard work pay off, but is also a gentle reminder of just how incredibly talented and worthy you truly are.  


Today, you completed your final presentation and have undeniably earned yourself the well-deserved title of “Interior Designer.” 

You did it, Rachel, all on your own, and you did it well. 


Just promise me one thing today, whatever awaits you on this next chapter of your journey, “I hope you will run through every open door and tell stories when you return.” ~ Alix E. Harrow


#Interiordesigner #graduation #mentalhealth #determined #focused #resilient #nextchapter #journey #proudofyou #ryersonuniversity #torontometropolitanuniversity 
#dreams #goals #manifestation #opendoors #youdidit #proudmama 

Purpose is something you create for yourself. It is why, over the last several years of my healing journey I have spent so much of my time chasing contentment, exploring my passions, building new connections, and fulfilling my desire to live a purposeful life.

Recently, an opportunity presented itself for me to partner/collaborate on some ongoing engagement/research projects, focus groups and workshops with CAMH (Canadian Mental Health Association) and 9-8-8 Suicide Crisis Hotline; so I jumped at the chance.

These opportunities are centered around inclusivity, educating families, and ongoing research to ensure that they are continuing to improve the quality of care for patients/users by listening to opinions of individuals like myself with lived experience to help them learn new ways to grow and enhance the overall patient/user experience.

Last night, I participated in one of these panels. It was for 9-8-8 Canada, which is now in its second year. It’s collaborations like this one, which prove to be of high importance in helping the 9-8-8 team visualize the core components of their user’s experiences, moving forward.  

The moderator was so passionate about her work. It was easy to feel her desire to live a purposeful life. 

She recited a quote to us during our time together yesterday, and it has really resonated with me ❤️. It felt relevant to my life at the moment while I continue to chase contentment, explore my passions, build new connections, and fulfill my desire to live a purposeful life.

“Everyone has something to teach us. Everyone has something to learn.”

We all have the ability to teach and learn from the moment we are first born. It never stops.

I learn every day, and I realized in that moment when she spoke those words outloud, that I am also teaching others everyday as well; sharing my knowledge, my life lessons and my experiences with the world. 

I understand now that I have already been fulfilling my desire to live a purposeful life after all.

#purposeful #988canada #camh #mentalhealth #suicideawareness #workshops #collaboration #livedexperiences #sharing #writer #blogger #learning #teaching #lifelessons

I’m pretty sure she’s part human.


Happy “champagne” birthday, Maggie! 


You captured our hearts from the moment we brought you home on Father’s Day, 2011, and you were the greatest gift I could’ve ever wished for on my 40th birthday a few days later. 


You were only 8 weeks old. Today, you turn 14. Still spunky and feisty and as adorable as ever. 


You will never know just how much your crazy antics, unconditional love, and emotional support have brightened up our lives every day since. You are such a special part of our family in so, so many ways.


I love you to the moon and back, “fur”ever and a day.

“Dogs are not our whole lives, but they make our lives whole.”~Roger Caras

🐶😘🤗

#Maggie #fourteen #happybirthday #loveyoutothemoonandback #foreverandaday #champagnebirthday #adogspurose #pettherapy

They may be way past the age of engaging in childhood rituals, but when all the cousins get together, they love to embrace their inner child.

After dinner tonight, the kids collectively asked if it was time to find the afikomen. They weren’t joking either. So, while they were distracted in conversation, we hid the afikomen, and then they all went from room to room, searching for it, just like they did when they were kids.

For those who don’t know, hiding the afikomen (a piece of Matzah) is hidden during the Passover sedar and then found by the children, normally with a small prize or reward given to the one who finds it.

Cousin Noah was the one to find it first, but their fun Uncle Harris did not disappoint and had $5 bills on hand for all of them. They then celebrated with a shot afterward. I guess that’s the joy of being an adult with a childlike spirit!

#findthematzah #afikomen #childatheart #nevergrowup #family #sedar #Passover

Tonight, Jews around the world will be celebrating the first night of Passover. A night traditionally celebrated with family and/or friends who gather together for a Sedar (means order) meal to retell the story of the Israelites Exodus from Egypt thousands of years ago, and their transition from slavery to freedom. This is told through reading a book called a Haggadah, which is filled with beautiful stories, fun rituals, and joyous songs.


It’s really difficult though, and almost inconceivable to imagine celebrating our Jewish freedom this year when, for more than 550 days now, close to 60 hostages are still enslaved in Gaza, held in captivity by Hamas, and tortured daily. 24 of whom are thought to still be alive.


“Let my people go” is a recurring theme throughout the Haggadah and is deeply embedded within the story of Passover and the understanding of the Israelites’ liberation from slavery to freedom. 


Tonight, as we gather together for our Sedars, the symbolism will not be lost on any one of us who continue to pray for the release of the remaining hostages. 


Wishing everyone celebrating a meaningful Passover 🎗🇮🇱✡️


#bringthemhomenow #letmypeoplego 
#ameaningfulpassover #freedom #Israel #hostages #sedar #haggadah #liberation #shabbatshalom

It’s been a minute since I’ve watched Jacob play hockey. I honestly miss the days of schlepping to multiple rinks a week for practices and games, and I especially miss my hockey family. 


Jacob still plays hockey regularly, just in men’s leagues now where it’s no longer cool to have your mommy cheering you on from the stands, especially a very anxious goalie mom. 


This week has been a really difficult one on multiple levels. I thought this anxious goalie mom could use a distraction today, and coming to watch Jacob play in his final game of the winter season seemed like the perfect way.


Before I started writing my blog, I wrote a piece near the end of Jacob’s minor league hockey career. Thought I’d share it again tonight. 


For the past 12 yrs being a hockey Mom has been a huge part of who I am…I still remember putting Jacob on the ice his first year in house league all dressed in his hockey gear hardly able to skate and boom…the goalie skated by him and they accidentally collided and Jacob broke his wrist. Fast forward 2 yrss and Jacob waiting patiently for his turn to play goalie in a tournament…he did an amazing job and from that day forward Jacob’s dream of becoming a goalie was fulfilled. One year later, he joined a team with his friends, which has now become our family for the last 9 years. He has improved and worked hard to become a successful goalie since then through perseverance, training, coaching, and his love of being a goalie. Throughout the years, hockey has defined our family dynamics, always working our lives around where the next game or tournament is… yes being a hockey Mom has been a title I will hold near and dear to my heart forever…the ups and downs, I wouldn’t change a thing…but now what…with only a handful of games left in what is Jacob’s final year of minor league hockey (and hopefully a few more if they make the playoffs), he, I am sure will continue to play for many years to come in the adult world but what about the hockey Mom. Where does that put me. No more schlepping from one end of the GTA to the other, no more car stinking like a pair of dirty socks, no more cheering when the team scores the game winning goal and no more hockey family. I have dreaded this day coming for a long time but I know that Jacob’s commitment he has made to his teammates and coaches alike through the last 12 years will help define him as he endures many new challenges ahead and I will always be grateful for what hockey has given him…and what he has given me…his “hockey mom”.


#Hockeymom #goaliemom #difficultweek #distraction #commitment #mentalhealth 

Last night, I learned the devastating news that an old friend of mine from high school had suddenly passed away. 


We haven’t seen each other in years, but once upon a time, I considered him a very close friend. He’d even declared his feelings for me on more than one occasion. 😉


I was also best friends with his sister during my high school days, and I regularly hung out at their home, sometimes, just to see him.


And even though our lives had gone in very different directions over the years, we still kept in touch through his engagements on my Facebook page, as recently as a week or so ago. I always appreciated that he took the time to read my blogs and that he genuinely cared about my well-being and mental health journey, even through his own personal health struggles. That was Shaun, though.


Since hearing the news of his passing last night, I’ve been unable to focus on much else. It’s kind of a strange feeling to have so many emotions for someone I haven’t been friends with in over 30 years now.


But I know it’s okay to feel my feelings. It’s normal to feel this way, especially as the memories from that time in my life came flooding back today, all at once. I’m really glad I’ve also been able to share a connection and stories with other “old” friends today as well. It really helps a lot.


Shaun, you were larger than life and always the life of the party. I hope you’re cooking up a storm tonight, wherever you are. Rest easy, old friend. You will be sorely missed by all who loved you, both past and present. 




#oldfriends #foreveryoung #resteasy #tooyoung #memories #rip 

A bunch of years ago, I shared with you some details about a chronic, recurrent skin condition that I have been battling for about 10 years now.

It’s called Hidradenitis Suppurativa (HS for short).

It’s a non-curable inflammatory condition that affects certain, mostly discreet 🫣 areas of the body and not visible to the naked eye. When flare-ups present themselves, they can last for several days at a time. The flare-ups are excruciating and painful and have left me with a lot of scarring over the years.

I’ve seen many specialists about it. Each one of them put me on high doses of antibiotics and gave me creams to help lessen the pain during a flare-up. Neither of which were really long-term solutions. There was talk at one point of possible surgery or giving me weekly injections, which would need to be done for the remainder of my life. Recently, I was also asked to join a clinical study for HS, but after an initial consultation with the research team and given my history with clinical trials, I decided to decline the offer.

With so many more pressing issues to contend with in my life that need to be prioritized at this time, I think I have become numb to all my suffering, and having developed a high tolerance for the pain I’m learning to just live with it for now by chosing to work through the flare-ups using natural remedies instead like teatree oil.

But, recently, I was also diagnosed with another skin condition by a dermatologist. He took one look at me and knew right away what it was, but he did a biopsy just to be certain.

I was both confused and grateful at how quickly he could put a name to my condition, given that I’ve brought it to the attention of numerous doctors over the years. I’ve probably had it since birth and was shocked to also learn that it’s genetic.

It’s called “Neurofibromatosis” (this is the same disease that the “Elephant Man” had!) and is “a neurological disorder that affects the nervous system causing noncancerous tumors (which can, over time develop into cancerous cells) to grow on nerves, spine, brain and skin”. There are 3 distinct types of NF that can cause developmental and learning delays in children, brain lesions, loss of vision, and hearing.

These tumors usually grow on or under the skin or inside the body as well. As I age, and with many hormonal changes in my body, I have noticed more and more of these widespread tumors popping up, both on and under my skin, and most recently, cafe au lait spots on my legs which are also quite common.

Unlike my HS condition though, this disease does not cause me any pain, but over time, as it progresses, has made me feel ashamed and extremely self-conscious, especially during the warmer weather when my skin is more exposed.

The clusters of them on my chest and neck area are some of the most prominent. The ones on my arms are more embedded in the skin. The dermatologist told me that if I wanted to have some of them removed, it would be okay to do so. Which is exactly what I have started to do over the last several weeks.

During the holiday season, I was gifted a spa voucher from my employer. The voucher could be used at 100’s of spas of your choosing. Most normal people would take the gift certificate and use it towards a massage or facial, maybe a mani/pedi, but not me. It’s probably because I’m not normal, lol. Instead, knowing this feat would be quite costly, I chose to use it at a nearby medspa that was equipped to help me start to conquer the removal of some of the most bothersome clusters of tumors. The medical esthetician has been so wonderful and patient with me. We started a couple of weeks ago with a few on my neck, and they were healing well, so yesterday she did a whole bunch more on my chest. It will take a couple of weeks for the scabbing to heal, which I woke up to today, and will wait before deciding whether or not to delve into more. In the meantime, I am planning to also meet with a cosmetic surgeon in regards to a few more complex tumors, one being on my middle finger and one on my inner thigh. The one on my inner thigh has been there since childhood and has grown quite large over time. They would both need to be removed surgically. The one on my thigh has made me especially insecure for most of my adult life and only adds fuel to my body dysmorphia issues, I already suffer from enough.

Maybe I’m being vain for putting myself through all this, but I look at it as just another way that I choose me, to help build my crushed self-esteem and maybe while I’m at it, help make a positive impact on my mental health too.

#Neurofibromatosis #neurological #skindisorders #HidradenitisSuppurativa #mentalhealth #bodydysmorphia #selfesteem #selfconfidence #tumors #medspa #esthetician #elephantman #vainity

11 yrs ago today, on April 4th, 2014, my life changed in an instant. It was a Friday afternoon, much like this one, at 5 pm, to be exact. 


Life is so unpredictable. Even messy at times.


My life has been both unpredictable and pretty damn messy for 11 years now. I’ve been thrown many curveballs. I’ve been at my breaking point too many times to count. 


Sudden shifts in one’s trajectory can have a great impact on a person’s mental and emotional health. 


Today marks 11 years since my neverending battle with depression and anxiety first began. It’s a day that still plays out in my mind over and over again. A day so clear in my memory, it’s as though it were yesterday.


For those of you who have never heard the story of what happened to me on April 4th, 2014, here it is again:

https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2019/04/04/april-4-2014-its-been-five-long-years/


A few years ago, I wrote a poem reflecting on my journey, which I wanted to reshare with you again today. I’ve changed the number to 11 years. And although I may still be deep in throes of my battle with depression (treatment resistant) and anxiety today, please know that I continue to fight each and every day as best I can by staying focused on my healing journey with all the strength that I have.

IT WAS ELEVEN YEARS AGO TODAY: WHAT MY ILLNESS HAS BOTH TAKEN FROM ME AND TAUGHT ME TOO

It was eleven years ago today that I uttered the words “I want to die” for the very first time.

It was eleven years ago today that I felt hopeless and alone for the very first time.

It was eleven years ago today that my life no longer felt purposeful for the very first time.

It was eleven years ago today that I felt broken for the very first time.

It was eleven years ago today that I felt unlovable for the very first time.

It was eleven years ago today that I lost my way for the very first time.

It was eleven years ago today that I felt like the world was better off without me for the very first time.

It was eleven years ago today that I felt an abundance of sadness and shame come over me for the very first time.

It was eleven years ago today that my life was about to change forever, and I felt too powerless and helpless to stop it.

It was eleven years ago today that I peered outside my bedroom window, hoping to find myself somewhere out there.

It was eleven years ago today that suddenly I felt a disconnect from the person I once was, and with each passing year, she seems to fade further and further from my mind.

But someone new emerged in her place that day instead and even though she still feels all those same emotions today that she did eleven years ago her new identity has taught her so much more than she ever thought imaginable about both herself and others.

Her new identity has learned to embrace the difficult moments as a way to grow and co-exist with herself.

Her new identity has learned how to create more meaning in her life.

Her new identity has learned ways to stop running from herself by using the anchor she has been given when she needs a break.

Her new identity has learned to recognize the pain and suffering in others with heartfelt compassion, empathy, and kindness through the acceptance of her own pain and suffering.

Her new identity has learned how to ask for help and how to advocate for those who aren’t quite able to yet.

Her new identity has found her voice, one that she no longer takes for granted.

Her new identity has become stronger and more resilient than she truly realizes or gives herself enough credit for.

Her new identity has learned the importance of making self-care her number one priority.

Her new identity has learned how to set limits and enforce healthy boundaries, which has in turn created deeper, more meaningful bonds with the people in her life.

And she is grateful. Not for all that she has necessarily lost since that very first day eleven years ago but for all that she has gained and learned since then. And it’s a lot.

*Thank you to everyone who has been there for me and continues to be there for me since that very first day, loving me and supporting me every step of my journey and thank you as well to everyone who has shown up along the way; your love and support mean the world to me too.


#elevenyearslater #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #selfdiscovery #selfcare #depression #anxiety #suicideprevention #suicideawareness #yourmentalhealthmatters #checkonyourlovedones #bekindtoyourself #startaconversation #dontsufferinsilence #mentalillness #endthestigmatogether