Yesterday was a difficult day for many and I know that there was alot to take in and that new information was being thrown at us from every news source; pretty much on an hourly basis. So it’s perfectly understandable that our level of anxiety may be higher than normal today. This is all very unprecedented territory and still very much unknown. I have compiled a list (through several Mental Health Experts) of some ways for us to cope with this type of anxiety.
1.Take a break from the news or limit the amount of time you spend watching it, and try to filter it out online. Also please remember that half of what is being shared on Social Media is not always the truth. 2. Talk to someone (or text) about how you are feeling. Sorting out your emotions and feeling supported by loved ones is so helpful. Keeping your feelings bottled up will only cause you to spiral further. 3. Try to be present in the moment. If you are feeling anxious about catching the virus just let yourself know that right now there is no immediate threat to you and use lots of positive affirmations to remind yourself that you are safe. 4. Start journaling and writing down your thoughts and feelings of gratitude.
It’s ok to feel anxious or angry, or have difficulty sleeping or concentrating but the best thing we can all do right now is to keep washing our hands and following all the required steps to try and stay healthy for ourselves and our loved ones and remember that not every cough and sneeze means someone has Corona!
Ya it’s no secret that I have a severe anxiety and panic disorder and ya it’s no secret that it disrupts my life daily. I’m just not sure if you can actually imagine how badly it affects my daily life and how severely it affects those closest to me either (unless you are one of the lucky ones to have witnessed it first hand).
I feel like I’m living in a constant war zone in my own head which only amplifies how severe my anxiety and panic have become over the last few months. I’d also be lying if I didn’t acknowledge that my illness has taken a toll on many other’s lives, some of whom I drive up a wall on a regular basis because of my severe anxiety and panic but I truly feel like I just can’t help myself.
And guess who gets to feel the brunt of it? If you guessed anyone other than Rich you guessed wrong :). Rich, (unfortunately for him) is my lifeline and my safety net and the lucky guy who gets to hear me say “What’s wrong?” on a daily basis. That phrase probably spews off my tongue at least 25 times a day but if you were to ask Rich he’d probably tell you to double that number.
No matter what, my head is always full of catastrophic and unwanted thoughts and whether Rich is sitting right next to me minding his own business or we are miles apart it’s become a very burdensome and knee-jerk reaction at all hours of the day and night for me. I am very much aware that it has become excessive and uncontrollable but lately it feels quite warranted!
So what has Rich done to try and minimize the disruptive and very annoying (his word!) behavior and help ease his tolerance? Well probably what any caring and supportive husband would do; he mocks me in an ever so loving way by trying to beat me to the punch by texting me cute little memes during the day that are captioned “what’s wrong?” or when he enters a room that I am already in, knowing full well that I am about to shout out “what’s wrong?” (because why else would he be entering a room if it weren’t that something was catastrophically wrong) he will often yell out those exact same words but before I am able to first and once again try and beat me to the punch in of course an oh so loving way!
What Rich doesn’t realize is that although he finds himself quite amusing (and trying to keep his sense of humour afloat), at the same time he is actually putting my anxiety and panic at ease for a moment in time as he enters a room bearing a big smirk on his face! And although it may be in jest it is actually giving me some reassurance that nothing is wrong in that moment.
My brain is so exhausted lately and I am sleeping less and less, I’m more overwhelmed than ever lately which leaves me in a constant fight or flight mode and I am always feeling on the edge. I keep challenging my negative thoughts and worries all day long but anxiety makes fears feel legitimate and very real.
Yup fearing something that may or may not happen can be very disruptive and very harmful to your daily life and an annoyance to those around you but I guess I am just like a boy scout who must always “be prepared”!
I was speaking with someone the other day about how overwhelmed, disconnected and alone she is feeling. I listened as she opened up to me about how she is struggling with so much self-doubt in her every day life when it comes to her role as a mom, a wife, a daughter and friend (pretty much me on a daily basis). She continued to open up to me by telling me that she has become quite envious of her neighbour’s life. Before letting me know her reasons for feeling so envious of her neighbour she prefaced it by saying that she felt embarrassed for even thinking this way, and especially for saying it out loud. But we should never have to apologize for our feelings and there is certainly no right or wrong way of doing so.
Depression can be triggered by so many different emotions and I bet most of you would never think that envy could be part of that list, but it most definitely is and it most definitely can be both toxic and detrimental to our mental health and wellness even if it is a very normal human emotion.
She explained to me (not that she needed to) that her kitchen window and her neighbour’s kitchen window are across from one another and that she has a bird’s eye view into her neighbour’s life. What she sees through her kitchen window on a daily basis is how much love and support the matriarch of the family (who is a stay-at-home mom) has in her life whether it be from her husband who prepares dinners to her nanny helping her with her kids or from her sister who often drops by for a visit; just because.
Envy as you know is a cross between jealousy and anger and it assumes that someone else’s life is way better than our own. It is “the art of counting another’s blessings” instead of being grateful for what we already have in our life which creates jealousy or anger toward that someone else. Envy can also caste a shadow over our own successes and accomplishments and often draws many conclusions or untruths about others, so for an individual like myself who suffers with Depression and Anxiety, it only raises the bar for feeling even more inadequate than usual.
We may think that we know what’s going on in someone else’s “kitchen” which can bring about feelings of self-doubt and self-hatred and question our own self-worth on a whole new level but it’s all just another big fat lie that our illness tells us. Everyone struggles at something or with something and nobody’s life is perfect. What we see when we peek through that window when no one is watching will probably tell a much different story. I have said this time and time again, even the most famous and wealthiest people on this planet have struggles and that all the money and all the luxuries in the world cannot and will never fix that.
I encouraged my friend that now would be the perfect time to start journaling more as she has been wanting to do so and says she finds that it helps her sort through so many of her emotions when she puts her thoughts and feelings down on paper (I can’t agree more). I also mentioned to her that maybe while she is journaling it’s probably best if she dims the lights and close the drapes in her kitchen!
I often have very good intentions by setting my mind on a task or by making a plan to do something in advance but then my illness tries to make other plans for me instead and last night was no exception. I was determined however to not let my illness stop me from attending a Healing Service at a Synagogue in Toronto that I’ve had in my calendar for the last couple of months and thanks to Rich I made it. We had originally planned to attend the January service but unfortunately it was just a few days after my concussion happened and so I made a promise to myself that I would make it to the next one, which was last night.
The Healing Services are part of the Centre for Spiritual Well-Being at the Synagogue and are meant to help those of us who “feel broken, turn to our tradition for strength and renewal” and “enrich our lives and strive for a sense well-being.”
Along my journey I have had the privilege of meeting many incredible people, some of whom have left an everlasting impact on my life in some way or another and the Rabbi leading the Healing Services has quickly become one of those incredible people for whom have left an everlasting impact on my life. She is a true Spiritual Leader with so much empathy and kindness in her heart.
I am not a religious person by any means, in fact if you follow my blogs religiously (that is what I call a play on words!) you will know that both my husband and I have struggled to find a place for God in our lives over the last several years but since meeting Rabbi Fryer Bodzin this past fall I have definitely found a place in my heart for Spiritual Healing.
Spiritual Healing (which is not defined by one religion or by one God) is more about finding a connection to something greater than ourselves and could be in a form of friendship, or being part of a community or even by a higher power. Spiritual Healing can help revitalize both our body and mind and also help us to find more meaning and purpose in our life.
I felt a sense of belonging last night, I felt a sense of friendship last night, I felt a sense of community last night and I even felt a sense of a higher power last night; a very loving and caring one as we delved into “The Mindful Way To Happiness”.
With Purim being less than a week away the Healing Service tied into the spirit of the holiday and the meaning behind the month of Adar which is the month in which Purim takes place on the Jewish Calendar. When you think of Purim you can’t help but feel happy and the month of Adar is meant for us to “increase in joy and happiness”.
I spent the evening listening and being mindful. I took comfort in hearing stories of other people’s healing. I heard reflections of how to face adversity and fear in the face, how important it is to seize the moment and how pursuing our dreams is key to finding happiness, something which has been a very big struggle for me along my journey.
I chose to sit quietly and just observe last night, soaking it all in because I quickly became overwhelmed with emotion and found myself fighting back tears for the better part of the evening. But as the evening was coming to a close and Rabbi Fryer Bodzin led us through one last exercise, a mindfulness one, she had me smiling from ear to ear.
Fifty days smoke-free today! 50 is a pretty big number don’t ya think? But I’m not gonna lie, the road to get here has not been an easy one. There has been an exorbitant amount of overwhelm in my life over the last 50 days. Many days I’ve wanted to “quit” quitting smoking, many days I’ve walked by second hand smoke and inhaled it, only dreaming of lighting up myself but the cravings are getting less and less each day and so too are my triggers.
Addiction of any kind is difficult to maneuver and is a constant battle; kudos to everyone who conquers their quest every single day. I don’t know if there will ever be a day where I don’t think about smoking but for today I choose to crush my cravings and not give into temptation!
So for today can I get a Woot Woot or a high five please!! 👐🤜🤛🙌✊
I’m in a pretty real funk. It’s probably safe to say that I’ve been in a funk for the better part of six years now but to be honest for the last two months I have felt more and more like my illness is beating me as opposed to me beating it. I feel defeated from the moment I wake up and I feel very little incentive to get out of bed; and it’s not because I’m lazy, it’s because I’m depressed and my depression wears a mask just like many others who suffer.
Depression creates a vicious cycle and for anyone who has ever suffered with Depression they will totally appreciate what I am saying because I want so much to thrive, I want so much to complete a simple task without it depleting me both mentally and physically, I want so much to work, I want so much to be more independent, I want so much to feel needed, I want so much to feel like I am more than just a burden to my loved ones and I want so much to feel like my life is worth living.
Yes Depression makes me feel all those things and keeps me from thriving and doing simple tasks. It keeps me feeling like I don’t want to do anything at all and that I need to do everything all at once and then of course I beat myself up further which clearly only makes matters worse. But much of what I do or can’t do is not by choice even if some may believe otherwise, but I am truly not lazy; now laziness, now that’s a choice!
I wish that my illness was just a passing phase of feeling unmotivated to wash a few dirty dishes in the sink or to be able to drive myself to the grocery store whenever I need to but I don’t have the ability to do many simple tasks most people take for granted.
And the vicious cycle continues because if I was just lazy and not depressed then I wouldn’t have to live each day feeling like a complete failure for not washing a few dishes, I wouldn’t have to live each day feeling guilty for not driving myself to the store to pick up a few groceries and I would not have to live each day criticizing myself for all that I can’t do instead of gently reminding myself of all the things I do and can do.
What do you want to be when you grow up? Well at 48, close to 49 years old I am still searching for the answer.
When I was a child I had big dreams of becoming a veterinarian because I loved animals but the problem was I sucked at science, refused to dissect a frog and not to mention that I was way too sensitive to work with sick animals.
At one point during my days of baton twirling I wanted to become a professional baton twirler if that’s even such a thing! But after winning the Miss Congeniality award and twirling my baton in a local Santa Claus parade I was hooked.
Of course there was the time I dreamt of becoming a cartoonist. I had sketchbooks upon sketchbooks of cartoon characters I had created and cartoon strips to go along with them. I was pretty darn imaginative and maybe even a bit funny.
Then there was the time I really wanted to become a hairdresser (and to be honest it’s still something I long for). I would play with my doll’s hair for hours on end, styling it and giving them some pretty cool haircuts too, that was of course until I started practicing on real human hair, (I had some pretty brave friends I must say) and I was the queen of french braiding which I still am to this day (or at least my girls think so).
Oh man the list of what I wanted to be when I grew up was endless; a model, a fashion designer, a social worker, an art therapist and even a journalist. Yes almost 49 years now and still searching for what I want to be when I grow up and feeling very inadequate in so many of my life choices but if I have learned anything along my journey over the last 6 years it’s that growth is an ever-changing process and that it’s okay to keep changing and that it’s okay keep growing and that it’s okay to keep pursuing your passions, your purpose and your reason why even if it takes a lifetime and even if you have to go through hell to get there first.
Tomorrow will be exactly 1 month (Jan 14, 2020) since I quit smoking (time sure flies when you’re having fun!). That’s over 300 cigarettes I haven’t smoked, that’s nearly 250 dollars I’ve saved and that’s a whole lot of Self-Love! Having the ability to feel Self-Love is something I struggle with daily as you’ve probably noticed by now.
To feel Self-Love takes a lot of ongoing and continual upkeep of a person’s body, mind and soul in order to help maintain a more fulfilling life. Simply put, it’s not something money can buy you because Self-Love isn’t a feeling of instant gratification you desire in order to fulfill a pleasure in the here and now.
Well seeing as tomorrow just so happens to also be Valentine’s Day maybe it’s a sign from Cupid, maybe he is willing to guide me toward true Self-Love but maybe in the meantime he can guide me toward some of that instant gratification! Afterall, 30 days smoke free surely deserves a gift in the here and now too; wouldn’t you agree? ❤💖🛍💍👡
YouAreEnough 
You must be logged in to post a comment.