Category: Fears

My Neurofeedback Journey Has Come To A Close

This week after many weeks of overwhelming anxiety I decided to discontinue my Neurofeedback treatment. I made a promise to myself (and to the clinic) from the onset of my treatment that no matter what, I would complete the first 10 sessions as difficult as it may have been for me. And it was way more difficult than I imagined with lots of setbacks (which has included the worst winter ever!)

Originally they asked me to commit to coming 3 times per week which right away proved to be beyond challenging for me so we decided pretty early on to only schedule 2 sessions per week where some weeks I could only make it to 1. I did what my body and mind allowed me to do and they were more than willing to accommodate me as best they could in order for the treatment to be a success. But as each session finished I was still not seeing any improvement or feeling any different.

Ten was their starting point but truly they were hoping I would complete up to 40 of them. They told me that many clients begin to feel some sort of shift in the way they feel as early on as after 4 sessions with a majority of them feeling that shift sometime after 8 sessions. I got to 4, then to 8 and then to 10 and I felt no change at all and my husband saw no change at all and I began to feel more and more hopeless again, more and more like a failure again and more and more worthless again. And not to mention the guilt of how much money this treatment was costing us.

Like with everything else I have endured along my journey I try my darndest to find that glimmer of hope when a new opportunity or remedy comes my way. I spent a great deal of my time and even with my limited resources and energy I researched Neurofeedback until I felt this too was worth a try. That’s the thing though, I do keep trying and I can always say “at least I tried” no matter how big or small it may seem to others because I have tried a shitload of treatments etc., but I beg the question now; how many ways can someone keep trying before you just give up? Before you just say I can’t do this anymore. What’s the magic number or better yet is there a magic number

One Puzzle Piece At A Time

Over the past couple of years I have solved a lot of jigsaw puzzles and it may surprise you to learn that there can actually be a lot of health benefits when doing so. I have always enjoyed doing a variety of different types of puzzles and especially ones that can be somewhat challenging but nowadays it’s best that I find activities that can benefit my mental health and not overwhelm it which is why I turned to jigsaw puzzles.

Trust me though when I tell you that jigsaw puzzles can still be quite challenging and sometimes overwhelming, I mean have you actually spent time just choosing a puzzle itself these days? There are 1000’s upon 1000’s to choose from for starters and then to top it all off, having to decide how many pieces you want to try or if you would prefer a puzzle of a beautiful landscape, an adorable collage of puppies or maybe it’s a scrumptious basket filled with donuts that tickles your fancy.

Well once those hurdles are behind us then the fun part begins by unwrapping the puzzle box, opening its packaging and spreading the 1500 jumbled pieces of adorable puppies across your dining room table which can really get your adrenaline pumping. That’s when the first of many benefits fall into place.

Jigsaw puzzles help me develop and improve upon many important skills. They help with my creativity, my short-term memory, my organizational skills, my problem solving skills and my critical thinking skills which of course are all beneficial to our mental health. Anytime we are exercising our brains we are also strengthening our ability to focus outward which helps to distract me from those unrelenting negative thought patterns.

Not too many activities these days can do all that and more for me so any chance I get I try to do a jigsaw puzzle, many of which I have proudly displayed upon my walls (and my favourite is of course the one my kids gave me for Mother’s Day which was a picture of them!). But sometimes after spending countless hours enjoying the peaceful benefits of creating these puzzles (and oftentimes have even sparked some togetherness among certain family members) I’ve reached the end of a puzzle only to be left with a missing piece.

That’s when I find myself “puzzled” by the parallels between that missing piece and the rest of my life in general. It’s as though that missing piece is a metaphor for what seems to always be standing in my way, preventing me from ever feeling complete again and that all my tiresome efforts are for nothing. Sometimes however, the missing pieces do eventually turn up whether it had been stuck under a chair leg or even once I found a piece in the washing machine and let me tell you that there is nothing more gratifying than when those “missing” pieces just seem to all fall right into place.

Self-Love

Lets call a spade a spade. Valentine’s Day is nothing more than a commercialized holiday that is celebrated among couples. A day set aside each February to show your significant other just how much they truly mean to you by showering them with presents and cards. The concept itself seems pretty harmless in many ways but of course that’s only true for those of us “lucky” enough to be part of a couple.

For many people Valentine’s Day is merely a sharp reminder that they are lonely, that they have failed at a relationship or that maybe they feel that they are undeserving of having a healthy, happy loving relationship at all.

It isn’t this way for everyone of course, in fact many people choose to be alone while others have the confidence to be in a healthy, happy and loving relationship with themselves. Self-love can be very powerful and can help set the standards for how we want to be treated in all our relationships both with ourselves and others. People who truly love themselves first (and not in a narcissistic President Trump kinda way) will in turn benefit from the happiest, most valuable relationship of all.

Of course this is not me. This is the most opposite of me that you can get. I shame myself daily, I put myself down daily and I berate myself daily almost to the point that “figuratively speaking” I have left many bruises and scars on my body and in my heart.

If you were to ask me to name all the things that I love, my list could be endless, I mean the top three of course are a no brainer; my amazing husband, my 3 beautiful kids and my adorable puppy (well she’s not a puppy anymore but whatevs) but even after the top three I could still go on and on naming more and more things that I love but you can be rest assured that upon conclusion of my list I will not have named one very important love; myself, no matter how many times a day I try to crush my inner voice and tell it to stop shaming me, to stop putting me down and to stop berating me.

Trust me it’s something I work on daily trying to shut those damn voices up any way I can and I just want to let all those struggling today to shut down that same inner voice, whether you’re feeling lonely right now or you’re “lucky” enough to be in a loving relationship it’s so important to celebrate today by being kind and loving to yourself first; and I will even bet you that you won’t want to return that gift you gave yourself either!

Justin Bieber Is Receiving Treatment For Depression

Depression doesn’t discriminate no matter your age, race or social status. So many look up to the Biebs, especially the youngest and most vulnerable generations, wanting to emulate him and wishing to be rich and famous like him. But so many of us forget that he is a human being first. That just because he may be rich and famous it doesn’t make him immune to this dreadful disease. Achieving the success he did from a young and vulnerable age kept him from living a regular childhood and forced him to wear a mask to hide his pain and suffering for so long in order to keep up an image that made so many fans envious of. I hope those same young and vulnerable fans can now see their idol for who he really is now, a strong and courageous young man who can finally take off his mask, reach out for the help he needs and deserves, giving his young and vulnerable fans the opportunity to see him as a different kind of idol, the kind of idol who is cool enough to say it’s okay to not be okay and that asking for help is the bravest thing someone can do no matter your age, your race or even how rich and famous you may be. https://people.com/…/justin-bieber-receiving-treatment-dep…/

Bravo Lady Gaga

Bravo Lady Gaga for your honesty, your boldness, your bravery and for always being your true authentic self. Thank you for continuing to take centre stage and reminding the world that mental health is real, that we need to crush the stigma together, that if you see someone hurting, don’t look away and most importantly that no matter how hard it may seem, it’s so important to let someone know when you are suffering. You are beautiful both inside and out @ladygaga #takecareofeachother #findthecourage #startaconversation #bekind #itsoktonotbeok #dontsufferinsilence #youareenough #noshame #yourmentalhealthmatters #mentalillness #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #welldeservedwin #grammys

Can Depression Be Cured?

Depression is not something that you can just “will away”, or be “waited out”, recovery takes a lot more effort than just thinking or being told that “time heals all wounds” because I can tell you firsthand that none of those beliefs or notions are in any way, shape or form going to cure it.

Depression is also not like breaking your arm where you are fitted with a cast and your doctor can give you a rough estimate as to how many weeks your recovery may take, but similar to depression though, everyone’s recovery time may be different.

To be honest I actually don’t remember how it feels anymore to not suffer with depression and as each day passes I question if I ever will again. Depression is most definitely a treatable disease and for many individuals their symptoms can be managed by medication or different kinds of therapy but like many other diseases or even the after effects from that broken arm your symptoms may recur or continue to lurk over your shoulder for a lifetime.

The reason being is that depression is not one size fits all (see blog “Depression Isn’t One Size Fits All”; Oct 21, 2018) and there are many different factors to take into account when looking into what causes a person to become depressed in the first place. And I can also tell you that the road to recovery can feel extremely defeating and be very bumpy too with little to no guarantee that it will not rear its ugly head again and again over time. That in itself can bring additional fears and feelings of hopelessness.

Right now however I can’t worry about the relapses or the unpredictable return of my illness when I haven’t even been able to get through the first episode and not without lack of trying. I can’t even imagine what remission would feel like for me, what it would look like for me or if it’s even possible anymore for me? But a girl can dream, can’t she?

Antibiotics: To Take Or Not To Take?

If you thought that depression and anxiety were the only things weighing me down you will be sadly mistaken. A couple (probably more by now but I’ve lost track of time) of years ago I developed a skin disease that I rarely talk about to anyone but it causes me a great deal of pain both mentally and physically. I have seen several doctors and dermatologists regarding it and once it was finally properly diagnosed a treatment plan was able to be put into place.

The treatment plan was always the same each time which included a course of antibiotics. I’ve tried several of them by now and each one has worked better than the next but the problem is that everytime I finish the antibiotics it just comes right back.

In September I began seeing a new doctor with a new set of eyes and a new course of antibiotics along with an action plan to be discussed further upon my return a few months later which was at the beginning of December. By this time I had now been taking a regular dose of antibiotics for 3 months and although it was keeping the flare ups and pain to a minimum it wasn’t enough so she decided to refer me to another specialist. This specialist however is someone who deals directly with this type of inflammatory skin disease and apparently the only one of its kind in Ontario and had recently opened her own clinic in one of the downtown hospitals.

Since I began suffering with depression my immune system has been completely out of whack and has caused me to suffer a great deal of inflammation throughout my body and because this skin disease is considered an inflammatory one there could very well be a correlation between the two and I was open to the idea of meeting with yet another doctor if it meant finding a treatment plan that would hopefully not involve a lifetime of antibiotics. The doctor told me that I should continue taking the medicine until my appointment with the new specialist and how naive was I to think this appointment would take place sooner rather than later.

Well this week was exactly 2 months since I last saw the doctor and now 5 months of taking an antibiotic daily and finally I received a call in regards to seeing the new specialist. Would you like to guess when that appointment was set for, keeping in mind it has already been two months since the referral was made? Okay, I hate guessing games too so I will just tell you; it was set for the last week of June (the day after my birthday for anyone who would like to continue the guessing game!) which by then will mean I would be taking the same dose of antibiotics for almost 10 months.

I won’t lie when I tell you that the phone call sent me on a downward spiral this week and my first reaction was to stop taking the antibiotics because no good can come from taking it for 10 months straight, right?. Well in less than 48 hours of me stopping the medication guess what happened? Yup, you guessed right (see you are good at guessing games) because the symptoms returned with a vengeance and the pain is excruciating to say the least. So now what? Do I live with the constant pain for the next 4.5 months which can be quite crippling or do I risk the development of more toxicity in my body or even the possibility of a future antibiotic resistance? Oh and ya I almost forgot to mention that things aren’t going so well with the whole Neurofeedback training (a topic for another day) and upon speaking with them this week regarding some of my concerns they too had concerns with the effect that a prolonged use of antibiotics could be having on my treatment. FML

I Must Be A Real Sports Fan!

Let me start by saying that I am a true “blue” fan of both the Toronto Maple Leafs and the Toronto Blue Jays. I don’t just hop on the bandwagon when they are winning because if that were the case I’d have probably given up long ago. I listen to the games on the radio in my car, I enjoy watching them on TV and I love nothing more than seeing both my home teams live and in action and only wish it were possible to do so more often (and in more cities).

There is just one major problem; I suffer from extreme anxiety and panic whenever I go to a game (well over the last couple of years that is). Last summer while attending a Jays game with my husband, something I LOVE doing as I just mentioned, I suffered a sudden and uncontrollable panic attack while we waited in line for something to eat. Was it the crowd of nameless faces enclosing in around me that caused it to happen or was it really that difficult to decide between the nachos or a slice of pizza that could have struck me with a panic attack that included tears streaming down my face, leaving my husband standing there thinking to himself WTF while looking for the closest exit to run to? (yup he’s one lucky guy!)

Whatever the actual cause was I’ll never know for sure but it happened and it was very real. So last night when we were given the opportunity to attend a Leafs game I was excited and hoped things would go more smoothly. But right on schedule my anxiety began to escalate as soon as we left the house and maneuvered our way through rush hour traffic on the streets of downtown Toronto hoping to make it in time for the singing of the National Anthems (which I love) and puck drop which we did, but barely.

As we were driving, I took an extra dose of my CBD oil as we neared the stadium and that seemed to relax me and bring my heart rate down, but not for long. Once safely in our seats I practiced as many breathing and grounding exercises as I could and focused my attention on the game, desperately wiping away tears and trying to shutdown my negative, catastrophic thoughts and fears of lurking danger as best I could. Unfortunately the negative thoughts and fears took over from time to time throughout the evening and again if you ask me why, I cannot give you an honest answer (maybe it was Carlton the Leaf’s Mascot standing in front of me that did me in LOL). All I do know for sure is that it’s just another overwhelming and embarrassing symptom I have had to learn to live with as part of my illness. But hey, on a positive note, at least the Leafs made it all worth it!

Depression Is Not A Choice

I never really liked multiple choice exams in school. The answers were rarely straightforward and more often than not they were quite confusing even if the answer may have been staring you right in the face. We all make choices in our daily lives, some are more straightforward and less confusing than others but there are many choices that are actually out of our control no matter how much some ignorant or judgmental assholes may try and debate it.

You see, our sexual orientation, our gender identity, our race or the development of a disability, disease or MENTAL ILLNESS are all things that we do not choose in life but may sadly make our lives significantly more intolerable, oppressive and insufferable.

I know that mental illness is not a choice. You know how I know this? I know this because I have been battling with depression for the past 5 years and trust me when I tell you that nobody would ever choose to wake up every morning feeling broken or suicidal. I also know that I do not choose my thoughts, that my depression does that for me.

What I have also come to learn throughout my battle with depression is that because it is not a choice I understand that it is not “all in my head” therefore it is not something that I can just “snap out of it”. I do not choose to look weak to others, come across as being lazy or use it as an excuse either. Depression is very real and can seriously affect us all when our brains are in a constant feud with our heart.

And even though depression is not a choice, those suffering with it or any other mental illness for that matter do have a choice when it comes to finding some coping mechanisms to help you manage through it. This can often be one of the most difficult parts of your journey because many of us are too afraid to ask for help when mental illness is still so stigmatized and we put so much blame on ourselves for even having these thoughts and feelings in the first place.

But just remember that by choosing to open up to a loved one or by seeking professional help are both key to de-stigmatizing depression and enabling others to understand that the correct multiple choice answer would be: C) both A. and B. A) It is NOT a choice B) It is an illness.

Mental Health Check In

💔 💚 Social Media has made it very easy these days for us to hide our true thoughts and emotions from the rest of the world. In reality Social Media has more often than not become an edited highlight reel of someone’s life, often concealing our true self especially when we add all those fun features and filters to our posts. I get it, it’s our natural instinct to want to post only the parts of our life that exemplifies our success and happiness but it can be detrimental to our mental health and wellness when we are struggling or feeling overwhelmed and vulnerable. This week for me has been particularly challenging and emotionally exhausting but many of you may not see that when scrolling through my Social Media presence. I want any and all of you who may have also had a particularly challenging or emotionally exhausting week to know that #youarenotalone and that #itsoktonotbeok and that it’s also ok to sometimes show your vulnerable or overwhelmed true self(ie)to the world. 💔 💚

#mentalhealthcheckin #checkonyourlovedones #beyourself #speakyourtruth #courage #startaconversation #dontsufferinsilence #youareenough