I’ve had to take several steps back during the last few weeks of 2019 to try and figure out what I need most right now in my life in order to help me move forward into 2020. It’s been a very difficult year for both myself and my family but at the same time I certainly can’t nor won’t forget my proudest accomplishments and all the good things that have happened for me as well.
This past year has taught me so much about myself and as I enter into the new year (and decade) today and try to regain some of those baby steps forward I know that I first need to learn how to crawl before I can learn to walk or run; an important lesson we could all learn from. We may also need to be reminded as the new year begins that we should try and set small and attainable goals; not resolutions, that we need to inspire one another, that we need to lift each other up, that we need to create healthy boundaries, that we need to be kinder to each other, that we need to judge less and forgive ourselves and others more, that we need to make self-care our number one priority, that we are not alone, that we can do anything; not everything and last but certainly not least we need to never forget that YOU ARE ENOUGH!
It’s crazy to think about it but we are not only about to enter a whole new year but an entire new decade as well. It’s kinda difficult right now for me to reflect back on the last decade with joy in my heart because for more than half of the last ten years I have spent it trying to survive and well truth be told, trying to die.
I do know though that somewhere buried beneath my illness that my heart has felt a lot of pride and joy throughout the last decade from so many amazing highlights and milestones. In the past ten years we added a new addition to our family and Maggie has since filled our family with so much joy for close to nine years now. In the past ten years I’ve gotten to witness both Elementary and High School graduations galore (with one more to go in the new year!) and I have also watched all three of my children transition from pre-teens to teens and now into young adulthood as well. In the past ten years I got to plan and execute one of the greatest days of our lives with the celebration and milestone of Jacob and Hannah’s B’nai Mitzvah; a night which we were so blessed to be surrounded by so many of our loved ones. In the past ten years we have also acknowledged and celebrated many more milestone birthdays as well including the most incredible family vacation in honour of Rachel’s 13th birthday. And I will never forget nearly ten years ago being able to experience the look on my kid’s faces when we walked through the gates of Disney World all together as a family!
Those are only a handful of the incredible highlights and milestones from the last ten years and there have been countless more but as I mentioned above it’s kinda difficult for me to feel the joy in my heart through the shattered glass of my illness when more than half of this current decade has been spent just trying to get through each day; basically I live each day in survival mode where the end goal is trying to avoid having a bad day.
I never want to erase the incredible memories I’ve made during the last ten years and I certainly never want to forget the many successes either so as I enter into the next year and decade I will take with me what I have learned over this past year in order to make room for joy in my heart. I have learned so much about myself this past year alone and one of my greatest successes this year was being able to accept that if some days all I can do is survive, then that’s one step closer to joy. We all deserve to feel joy in our hearts and maybe I needed this past decade to teach me how.
Wishing you all good health, joy and much success for 2020!
With the New Year only a few days away it’s a constant reminder of how it has become one of the most difficult days of the year for me as there is this unwritten expectation that is placed on the day to reflect on our past year in order to make the coming year all about bright, fresh starts filled with an abundance of new opportunities. New Year’s is now a reminder for me as to how my depression keeps me saddened to my past and how my anxiety keeps me terrified to live in my future. Today I began my descent into 2020 by writing down some of my thoughts and reflections from this past year without placing too much pressure on myself. I made two columns: the first one was ‘What do I want to leave behind in 2019?” and the second one was “what do I want to take with me into 2020?” Here are just a few:
I want to leave my past grievances behind which have taken up too much space in my head, I want to leave behind the guilt that keeps me ruminating daily and I want to leave behind so much of the anger I hold inside which stems from my illness.
I want to find a way to let in more moments of happiness in 2020 and to allow myself to feel those moments of happiness. I want to pave a pathway to better health and wellness for not only me but for my family too so we can begin to heal together.
What would you like to leave behind in 2020 and what you would also like to bring with you into 2020? Love to hear your thoughts!
We spent the last few days with our friends at their cottage. My kids have grown up here and have had so many amazing adventures and made so many equally amazing memories there both in the summer and winter months. All that was missing from this trip to the cottage was Jacob who thought going to Florida with some of his friends over the winter break would be way more fun; silly boy (see pic of him photoshopped in all the way from Miami Beach)! But alas we still managed to have fun without him, especially snow tubing because it’s not like he can do that in Florida lol!
Aside from the kids (and dads) going snow tubing (are they still considered kids when two of them are 17 and two of them are 20?) we cooked a big hearty breakfast one morning, made a fajita bar one night and Rachel brought her delicious homemade vegan mac and cheese with for all of us to enjoy as well. We ate, we drank, we played games, we chased after 2 tiny, adorable but very loud dogs, we ate some more, we drank some more, we built a gingerbread house, we watched old tv shows, we celebrated Chanukah, we ate again, we drank again, we curled up by the fire and we watched a movie together.
When trying to agree on a movie to watch that all of us could enjoy together I figured was going to turn into an hour long debate and we’d end up watching nothing but within minutes we had all agreed on one. It was not a movie that you would think any one of us would have wanted to see except maybe for the nostalgia of it (and I’m all about nostalgia) but we were all in the mood for something that may not require a great deal of concentration (it turned out that it kinda did but was still worth it!) Yes “Dora (The Explorer) And The Lost City of Gold” was the winner and the nostalgia of the “kids” kinder years won all of our hearts, but what I also loved was the important message portrayed throughout the movie that led me to shout out while watching it, “I feel a blog coming on!”
Our families have blended together through thick and thin for over 17 years now and when we all get together we are like one big family. We never have to pretend to be someone we’re not when we are together, we never have to feel like we can’t be our true authentic self when we are together, we never have to wear a mask when we are together and we never have to act a certain way when we are together.
Dora showed us throughout the movie how important it is to be yourself and that being your true authentic self should never mean sacrificing who you are in order to make friends or keep them. She also taught us that we should never allow others to change who we are, that we should live life on our own terms and those who truly matter will embrace all of you, quirks and all. And she reminded us that true friendship is like a unicorn: “something that is highly desirable but difficult to find”, so when you do find it remember to hold on tight!
When I woke up this morning I received a notification from my blogging site that read: “Your blog YouAreEnough stats are booming and it appears to be getting more traffic than usual!” I felt a sense of pride knowing that others choose to turn to my blog to find some comfort and support but given that today is Christmas Day I quickly felt saddened knowing just how many people there are out there who may not have loved ones who can give them the comfort and support they deserve.
It may be difficult for some of us to understand but during the holiday season many people feel very much alone, isolated and simply like they are not enough. This time of year we are surrounded by so many bright lights, whether it’s from the candles burning on your Menorah or from the colourful lights hanging from a Christmas tree it’s hard to imagine why anyone would feel anything less than pure holiday cheer and joy.
But this time of year can also be met by so much darkness which is too often due to having to deal with difficult memories, unattainable expectations, feelings of disappointment and of course the overwhelming stress brought on by the holiday season. Stress is our body’s reaction to a trigger and is generally a short-term experience that carries with it many of the same symptoms that anxiety does such as having trouble sleeping, excessive amount of worry, lack of focus, irritability and a rapid heartbeat.
Often we believe that stress and anxiety are one and the same but anxiety is an actual mental disorder that can be brought on by too much stress. Anxiety does not disappear when a situation is remedied and can impact every aspect of one’s life. And the more people who are feeling the darkness during the holiday season try to force themselves to feel holiday cheer and joy will only wind up feeling like a giant sack of coal!
Many of us need to be reminded that the holiday season is a time for giving, a time for kindness and a time to help someone who may be in need of some extra comfort and support. It’s a time to remember that itsoktonotbeok, it’s a time to remember to checkonyourlovedones, it’s a time to remember that youmatter and most of all to remember that youareenough!
The two most important things that I have learned along my journey would probably have to be from the day I decided 3 years ago to share my story and in doing so I have found out who my tribe truly is.
I began to write about my journey in private and slowly I began to whisper it softly in close quarters but when I actually started to shout it from the rooftop my tribe gathered and now it’s overflowing with so much kindness and compassion.
Over the last five and a half years I’ve been rejected by some, I’ve been judged by others and I’ve been the topic of many hurtful conversations behind my back but I no longer hold those people in my heart. I have learned to let it go because I know that I have such an amazing tribe rooting for me now and even though you may not always understand what I am feeling you still just want to be a part of my life and learn together, you still just want to hold my hand or give me a hug (even if it’s virtual) and you still just want to listen to me or just stand beside me with no strings attached because that’s what a tribe does for one another. And just knowing how much my own story has helped so many others to gather their own tribe too means that none of us have to walk through this journey alone.
The last few months have felt like a dream come true and today was the icing on the cake! Thank you for having me on this morning to share my story @morningshowca @globalnewsto @carolynglobal @jmacspeaks #amomentlikethis #parentingplaybook #wheredidmommyssmilego #amazondotca #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #startaconversation
Yesterday morning I spent some time with an amazing group of moms, grandmothers, early childhood educators and about 20 adorable little tots (ranging in age between 2 and 5 years old) at a family drop in center that a friend of mine runs. I could not believe how well the children all sat so intently listening to me read my book and even while I spoke directly to the group of adults about my journey, my inspiration for writing the book and the importance for young and impressionable minds to start learning how to destigmatize mental illness; afterall “I believe that children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way” (too corny?). When I finished reading my book I felt so accepted by this group of strangers who embraced my journey, engaged in important conversations, asked lots of questions and shared their own personal struggles. So it’s probably safe to say that those 20 or so tots are well on their way to helping to end the stigma by having such incredible role models in their corner! #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #youareenough #youarenotalone #endthestigmatogether #itsoktonotbeok #depression #anxiety #masksoff #children #childrensbook #ypce #aokprogram #yorkregion #familytime #playtime #wheredidmommyssmilego #amazonca
The “Wizard Of Oz” may just be an 80 year old timeless classic to many, but when you look beyond the “Black and White” you will find there are so many valuable and “Colorful” lessons on the screen. First and foremost it’s a movie about a journey of self-discovery and how we may need to follow the “Yellow Brick Road” in order to find ourselves. We may also need to weather some “Storms” along the Yellow Brick Road which can feel very scary and often filled with uncertainty but if we allow ourselves to ask for help along the way from the people who are willing to walk “Arm in Arm” with us down the Yellow Brick Road to the “Rainbow” within ourselves, it can feel a whole lot less scary. The movie also shows us as well that we have to keep trying to bury the “Wicked Witch of the West” who wants nothing more than to do everything in her power to make us believe that we are not worthy of fighting to find that power within us. And lastly, if we have a comfortable pair of “Ruby Slippers” to wear while “Skipping” down the Yellow Brick Road it could definitely help ease the pain while putting out the “Fire”.
I wonder where I can get myself a pair of those ruby slippers in a size 8? Maybe a tiara and magic wand too!
I spent several hours yesterday having a bone imaging test done. Over the past 5 or 6 weeks I’ve been experiencing a terrible amount of muscle/joint pain throughout my entire body and it has been getting increasingly worse to the point where I decided (or was encouraged) last week to finally make an appointment to see my GP; something that I avoid doing at all costs as I find it very difficult to even just pick up the phone to make the call. Sadly, my depression and anxiety are constantly chattering back and forth in my head telling me that I am bothering her and making me feel guilty for bothering her which in all honesty I know is the furthest thing from the truth and that my doctor has been nothing but one of my greatest support systems since day one but it just gets too damn exhausting trying to argue with a warped sense of yourself all the time.
When you picture a person struggling with depression many individual’s first thoughts that may come to mind are that of someone who is sad, someone who isolates themselves or someone who sleeps a lot or not at all. What many individuals may not realize is how much depression also affects someone physically.
Throughout my journey I have been affected by my fair share of physical challenges, many of which have caused a limited ability to do everyday tasks and have also included countless visits to doctors and specialists, much of which were due to many of the medications I was taking and although I have recently started a new medication (see blog: Should I Or Shouldn’t I; Oct 30, 2019) these symptoms began several weeks earlier. However I have now been on my new medication for just over 2 weeks and the physical side effects have sometimes made it difficult to know what may be from the meds or not as the pain has become so unbearable some days and my new psychiatrist has decided to wait a few more weeks to increase my dose.
My depression and anxiety have become quite heightened over the last 6 weeks which I have mentioned, along with many (or most) of my senses have also become super heightened too (especially sounds and smells) and lets not forget to add in a spoonful of sudden hormonal changes as well and now the task at hand is to figure out if there is any correlation between them all.
Physical symptoms are very common in major depression and major depression can most definitely cause physical distress and long term physiological distress as well but for now my doctor is taking all the necessary precautions in order to rule out other causes of my pain first, something that any great support system would do!
YouAreEnough 
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