Author: Kim Fluxgold

Earlier this week, I recorded a podcast for a documentary series in the psychedelic space. The hosts of the podcast, Frank and Kaitlyn’s intentions for the docu-series, is to shine a light on both good and bad leadership in the psychedelic world of clinical research trials.


They live in Australia. Fun fact; if I could travel anywhere in the world, Australia would be it, hands down.


I was introduced to Frank and Kaitlyn by a fellow participant of the Psilocybin clinical trial who found me after the results of the study were first published last year (her, along with a frenzy of media personnel that is). She, like myself, experienced irreparable damage from the trial and also like myself, has since become a strong voice in advocating for better leadership when it comes to how these trials are run. Since finding one another, we have also become a much needed sounding board for one another. 


It’s been nearly 3.5 years since I willingly participated in the study and am still dealing with the unwelcome repercussions of my choice. I am hopeful that a treatment I will begin next month with the guidance of a Movement Neurologist will help, even if only a wee bit!


The neurological damage and regret I live with daily as a result of this angers me to the core every time I think about how poorly run it was. And how little accountability there was.


It has been a while since I have spoken in a public form about my experience, but this week, I had the opportunity to do so twice, as I pre-recorded another interview this afternoon with one of the kindhearted organizers of the “Psychedelic Lived Experience Summit”, which is happening virtually, this November.   

Both interviews went really well. They felt meaningful and cathartic. Any time I get to share my story and experiences, I feel purposeful. It has become a large part of my ongoing healing journey. 


Both interviewers had done lots of research on me prior to speaking with them and had a lot of difficult questions for me to answer as they want their viewers to hear my truth, especially since much of my experience was covered up in the published study results. Some parts of our discussions may have felt triggering, but all of their questions were approached with compassion and heartfelt. They were relevant and important to understanding how drastically my life has changed since April 2nd, 2022.


I spoke openly and honestly about everything, from how I felt the study was run, to spending the better part of the last 3 years trying to find treatments to help me, to my severe mental health decline because of the trial which led me to go through a very scary and lonely application process for M.A.I.D (medical assistance in dying) at one point in time two years ago.


I shared my story not once but twice this week. I was met both times with gratitude and kindness. I was told how brave and inspiring and courageous I am for my willingness to share. One of the interviewers stated how appreciative he is that I don’t take on a victimhood approach to what has happened to me as I am always happy for others who’ve found peace from medications and treatments that have seemingly failed me. 


I speak out for change. I still have a deep belief in the power of science, and I am grateful for science, even if it feels like it let me down. I speak out for change because I don’t want future studies to repeat the same mistakes. I speak out for change because I have faith that science has the ability to change many lives for the better. I still believe in its promise, its progress, and its power to heal.


I speak out for change because I am resilient. And my voice matters.


I’m both emotionally exhausted and proud of myself for being given the opportunity to speak out for change, not once, but twice this week. Lots of self-love will be top of mind this weekend.


Shabbat Shalom, and much love to all of you for continuing to follow my journey and rooting me on every step of the way.


#psychedelics #psilocybin #clinicaltrial #research #science #treatmentresistantdepression #gratitude #voiceforchange #advocacy #myjouney #mentalhealth #wellness #selflove #interviews #neurological #meaningful #cathartic #purposeful #healingjourney

Trigger Warning ⚠️ Mention of suicidal thoughts, Suicide 


Yesterday marked the 11th anniversary of Robin William’s passing. 


To many, it’s hard to believe how quickly time has passed, but unfortunately for me, it’s not. The anniversary of his passing still triggers me today. It’s a cruel reminder of just how real depression is.


That night is forever engrained in my memory. I’ve told the story of that evening many times before. Some pieces of it are still very fresh in my mind. I was just 4 months into my own mental health journey the day he died. Moments before I had read the news of his passing on my phone, I’d been sitting in my car, all alone in a dark parking lot, my family and friends having no idea of my whereabouts (once again), and contemplating my own suicide. It wasn’t the first time in that 4 month period, and it most definitely has not been the last where I have thought about or acted upon my thoughts of suicide, but it was suddenly the first time I began to truly understand the depths of my illness.


As the news quickly spread of Robin’s death, friends and family began lighting up my phone, concerned for my well-being and wanting to ensure I was safe. Easiest solution, I just shut it off. By now I was visibly shaken, alone and terrified and my only thought I had right after the initial shock was, “if someone of Robin Williams’ stature, who seemingly had it all could take his own life then what the heck am I waiting for?” 


Those same thoughts still cloud my judgment some days, today as his passing is a reminder that even a person of his stature can carry the heaviest of burdens.


I often wonder what Robin would be doing today if he were still here. 

Would he be performing a new stand-up show on stage to a sold-out crowd somewhere, making them laugh until they peed? Or perhaps he’d be working on another movie or lending his voice to some new outrageous character. 

Maybe by now, he’d have chosen to retire from showbiz altogether to spend more time, enjoying a quieter life with his loved ones while lending his voice to a much bigger purpose or cause.

I think about how many more lives he might have touched over the last 11 years, if, in that dark, unshakable moment, he’d have been able to see through the clouds or if he had reached out to a loved one and said – “I’m not okay.” Trust me when I tell you that those are 3 of the hardest words to say out loud. 

He didn’t reach out that night, and that dark, unshakable moment —took him from the world. A world that still needed him (imagine how many lives he would’ve brightened during the pandemic!).

Robin’s passing is a reminder that kindness and laughter don’t always mean someone is okay inside. His passing is also a daily reminder to us all to check in, reach out, and stay connected. 

Depression lies, and no amount of money or fame can fix that. It wants us to believe that tomorrow doesn’t need us, and some days, it’s really so damn hard to silence those cruel and daunting lies. 


But one thing I do know for certain is that tomorrow still needs Robin Williams and that it still needs you too!


*If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, please dial 9.8.8* 


Help is available.


#mentalhealth #depression #purpose #robinwilliams #suicideawareness #tomorrowneedsyou #depressionlies #itsoktonotbeok #startaconversation #helpisavailable #youarenotalone #youareenough #988 #startaconversation


    

Today’s #summerofrich adventure was one for the books! From haunted history and spooky sights to dining with ghosts and ghastly tales of torture. 

Today was full of unexpected twists and turns, including a beautiful hidden waterfall and a hike led by the spirit of a heartbroken lover 💔. 

We finally tried “Guess Where Trips”, a company that plans one-day, self-guided surprise road trips based on your interests. I’ve been dying to try one (pun intended).

You have no idea where you’re headed until you hit the road, and each destination only gets revealed once you’ve completed the previous stop. There are multiple options along the way, and just enough mystery to keep you guessing the whole time. Total choose-your-own-adventure vibes.

It’s such a super cool, unique experience.  Was definitely not your average Sunday drive. Can’t wait to do another one!


*Founder of “Guess Where Trips” was featured on Dragon’s Den and is also the “winner of a NACO fellowship” as one of the top 10 female entrepreneurs on the show.

Check out their website to plan your own adventure:

https://guesswheretrips.com/pages/all-our-trips


#guesswhere #spookysitesandghostlytales #surpriseroadtrip #adventure #ontarioisyourstodiscover #girlpower #entrepreneur #mentalhealth #nature #dragonsden @guesswheretrips @youareenough

Today, the first Saturday in August, is National Be Outside Day—a perfect reminder to step away from the chaos and breathe in the peace that only nature can offer. It’s exactly what my mental health needs.

We took full advantage of this beautiful summer day with a peaceful yet invigorating #SummerOfRich adventure. The fresh air, the movement, the sunshine. I soaked it all in.

The summer is flying by, and I’m doing my best not to let a single moment slip by when time allows for it. Every step outside feels like a small act of self-care. Even if it’s for a little while, it can do wonders for your mind and spirit.

How are you spending your National Be Outside Day?

#nationalbeoutsideday #selfcare #mentalhealth #invigorating #wellness #nature #hiking #justbreathe #mindandspirit #woodpecker

Today, on “National Friendship Day,” we celebrate the people who show up, lift us up, and walk beside us in our best and worst moments. But let’s also take a moment to recognize our friends who may be silently struggling.

As someone who battles depression and anxiety, I know that sometimes, even the simplest connections can feel so out of reach. When struggling with your mental health, it can easily convince someone that they are a burden to others or not worthy of love. Depression doesn’t always look like sadness. It also looks like distance, silence, or canceled plans. That is why friendship—real, patient, empathetic, non-judgmental friendship is so powerful. 

A friend doesn’t need to have the perfect words.

A friend shouldn’t feel the need to try and fix you. 

Your presence matters more than your need to try and fix someone or any perfect words ever will.

A simple check-in letting someone know you are thinking of them can be a lifeline to so many. 

There is strength in reaching out, in taking notice, and there is so much healing in loving kindness. 

Today is a beautiful day to remind someone that they matter and that they are not alone. And tomorrow, too.

To my friends and loved ones who continue to show up, lift me up and walk beside me on my journey in the best and worst moments, your presence matters, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

“Friendship isn’t just for the good days. It’s for all the days.” ~ unknown 

#NationalFriendshipDay #youmatter #youarenotalone #checkonyourfriends #friendshipgoals #lovingkindness #healing #mentalhealth #wellbeing #strength #showup #treatmentresistantdepression #anxiety #connections #thinkingofyou #itsoktonotbeok

Yesterday, Rich and I spent a peace- filled afternoon visiting one of our favourite farmer’s markets followed by a beautiful and serene hike. On our way home, we stopped to grab a bite to refuel when I received a phone call that quickly unraveled in ways I did not expect, and suddenly, our plans for the evening turned to chaos. 

The emotional weight, heaviness, and trauma I carry with me every where I go took over. My peace-filled Saturday afternoon was now nothing more than a blur. All I could do to get through was hold my breath and hope to come up for air.

This morning, once there was a moment to exhale, I knew what I needed most today was a reset, and space to feel and heal after a challenging night, so Rich and I headed to a familiar place that was calling to me; a sunflower field with endless rows of golden petals in full bloom, each one lifting its head toward the sun, as if they were holding on to the promise of a brighter tomorrow; standing unapologetically tall, even with all their imperfections. 

Maybe it’s the reason why they have always been my favourite flower. 


As we walked through the fields, surrounded by sunflowers, the warmth from the hot sun glistening off my shoulders melted some of the heaviness I was carrying. 

Sometimes, walking through a field full of sun-kissed, radiant flowers feels like enough after a night that nearly broke me. 


If you are going through a hard time; take a moment to step outside, breathe, and find your version of a sunflower 🌻.

“Keep your face always toward the sunshine, and shadows will fall behind you.” ~ Walt Whitman


#sunflowers #sunkissed #radiant #heaviness #summertime #emotionaltrauma #flowers #peace #golden #mentalhealth #wellbeing #chaos #youareenough #imperfectlyperfect #imperfections #breathe #exhale #healing

Every year on July 24th, we celebrate “International Self-Care Day”. The date symbolizes that self-care should be practiced “24/7” – 24 hours a day, 7 days a week!!


Today, we are reminded to pause, breathe, and care for ourselves – body, mind, and soul – and that taking time to care for ourselves is a Mitzvah (good deed). As a Jewish woman, Judaism teaches me that caring for ourselves is not selfish – it’s sacred.


The concept of self-care is deeply woven into our tradition. From the gift of Shabbat, which offers us weekly rest, reconnection and reflection, not only to others, but for ourselves as well, to “Shmirat HaNefesh”, a Hebrew phrase that is translated as “guarding the soul”. It refers to caring for one’s emotional, spiritual, and mental well-being – not just our physical health.


It is also associated with Jewish teachings about self-care, inner peace, mental health, and nurturing the soul through prayer, mindfulness, Torah learning, compassion, and spiritual connection.


May today and every day inspire you to nurture your spirit and embrace the Mitzvah of caring for yourself.


How are you practicing self-care today?


#internationalselfcareday #mitzvah #wellbeing #selfcareisnotselfish #mindfulness #connection #mentalhealth #physicalhealth

This morning, on my way to work, I stopped to grab a drink at Tim Hortons. As I turned to leave, an old friend and mentor was standing in line, and she caught my attention.

We first met during our school-age years, long, long ago, and although our lives have taken very different paths since then, it’s our own personal mental health journeys that have continued to bring us together time and again over the last 10+ years. 

We did a quick catch-up in the parking lot of the plaza before parting ways, but not before making plans in the near future first. 

I’ve been thinking about her all day. I truly believe it was no accident that we ran into one another this morning. 

Her energy has always felt deeply aligned with mine. I feel an indescribable spiritual connection when in her presence.

I feel safe and authentic.

I feel seen and understood.

There is a sense of mutual resonance. 

Our conversations feel timeless. They push me to look inward toward self-awareness and healing. 

Today, the universe had its own plans, and I am truly grateful for this gentle reminder of meaningful connections and unexpected encounters.

#abriefencounter #spiritually #guidance #meaningfulconnections #authentic #healing #timeless #selfawareness #mentalhealth #wellness #aligned  #youareenough