Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.
“A sibling is the lens for which you see your childhood.”
No matter how different their paths may be in life, I only hope and pray that the bond and connection they share today will forever remain as strong and meaningful as it is right now.
It may not always be perfect, but it is truly the most invaluable gift to cherish and nurture, forever and a day.
Happy “National Siblings Day” to my 3 little Munchkins.
“The mind is like water. When it’s turbulent, it’s difficult to see. When it’s calm, everything becomes clear.” ~ unknown
It’s been one heck of a tough week for me, especially yesterday, so all I wanted to do today was take to the trails to try and silence those voices in my head that continue to insist on following me whereever I go.
We witnessed the first signs of spring. We stopped several times along the trail just to breathe in the crispness in the air and as I stood staring out onto the water I felt mesmerized by its beauty; I felt a calmness come over me.
Water has a way of helping us renew our spirit. Its stillness today reminded me “there is no hurry. We shall all get there some day.” ~ A.A Milne
The snow has all melted away, the temperatures are starting to rise and we are more than ready for the 2023 season of the #summerofrich to begin.
Every year since its conception about six or seven years ago now (I’ve lost track of time) I like to give a brief synopsis of how the #summerofrich came to be for any newcomers to my page who may be wondering what the heck it is exactly.
The #summerofrich first began with a simple exclamation one (very) early Friday morning at the end of June as we stood waving goodbye to our three children as they drove away on the bus to camp for the next seven and a half glorious weeks (I actually think 1 or 2 of them may have been staff that summer and had therefore already left for camp a few days prior, but not important!).
They weren’t even out of the parking lot yet when Rich turned to me with the biggest smile on his face (I, on the otherhand had tears in my eyes), his arms raised high above his head as he shouted, “It’s the Summer of Rich!”.
He wasted no time at all getting started either. Our first activity on the #summerofrich agenda that year (and several years following until Covid hit) was already scheduled for later that morning. We were off to the spa for pedicures.
The #summerofrich meant that he now had a seven plus week break; a well deserved, much needed and VERY much earned break from the burdensome (my word, not his) role he has taken on as both mom and dad, chef extraordinaire, therapist, errand schlepper, grocery bagger, laundry folder and much, much more for the other forty something weeks of the year; a role which he has so selflessly done for the better part of nine years now.
When Covid hit and the inevitable announcement came that May that overnight camps would not be running in 2020 I thought for a brief moment that we should just cancel the #summerofrich all together seeing as Rich would not be getting his well deserved, much needed and VERY much earned break (or pedicure). Then I realized that we didn’t have to cancel it at all, we just needed to pivot somewhat; afterall we no longer had all three kids away for the summer by then anyhow.
Yes, the #summerofrich may have started out as a well deserved, much needed and VERY much earned break for Rich during those seven or eight weeks that the kids were away at camp but it’s since become so much bigger than that now. In many ways the #summerofrich has morphed itself into something way deeper and with an even more meaningful purpose.
It’s become a healthy outlet and a perfect escape for both of us to take care of our mental health while having fun spending quality time together in nature and discovering parts of us we never knew existed before.
If you were to have told me 6 or 7 years ago that I would be enjoying the great outdoors, bugs and all; venturing way outside my comfort zone, weathering each changing season (the #summerofrich has evolved into way more than just a summertime activity), taking us on hiking trails all across our beautiful Province of Ontario and exploring the beauty of nature, I’d have told you that you were crazy.
We have both come to discover instead just how beautiful, spirited, inspiring and valuable nature truly can be and how much it reminds us while we are on our #summerofrich adventures that anything is possible when you can see the forest through the trees.
It also makes me so happy knowing that sharing our adventures has actually brought so much joy to others as well. Hashtag #summerofrich has created quite the following!
Today marks 9 years since my neverending battle with depression and anxiety first began on April 4th, 2014. As I mentioned a few days ago, it’s a day that still plays out in my mind over and over again; A day so clear in my memory, it’s as though it were yesterday.
I wrote this poem 2 years ago today and wanted to reshare it with you (just swap the number seven for the number nine!). And although I may still be deep in throes of my battle with depression and anxiety today, please know that I continue to fight each and every day as best I can right now by staying focused on my healing journey with all the strength that I have.
IT WAS SEVEN YEARS AGO TODAY: WHAT MY ILLNESS HAS BOTH TAKEN FROM ME AND TAUGHT ME TOO
It was seven years ago today that I uttered the words “I want to die” for the very first time.
It was seven years ago today that I felt hopeless and alone for the very first time.
It was seven years ago today that my life no longer felt purposeful for the very first time.
It was seven years ago today that I felt broken for the very first time.
It was seven years ago today that I felt unlovable for the very first time.
It was seven years ago today that I lost my way for the very first time.
It was seven years ago today that I felt like the world was better off without me for the very first time.
It was seven years ago today that I felt an abundance of sadness and shame come over me for the very first time.
It was seven years ago today that my life was about to change forever and I felt too powerless and helpless to stop it.
It was seven years ago today that I peered outside my bedroom window hoping to find myself somewhere out there.
It was seven years ago today that suddenly I felt a disconnect from the person I once was and with each passing year she seems to fade further and further from my mind.
But someone new emerged in her place that day instead and even though she still feels all those same emotions today that she did seven years ago her new identity has taught her so much more than she ever thought imaginable about both herself and others.
Her new identity has learned to embrace the difficult moments as a way to grow and co-exist with herself.
Her new identity has learned how to create more meaning in her life.
Her new identity has learned ways to stop running from herself by using the anchor she has been given when she needs a break.
Her new identity has learned to recognize the pain and suffering in others with heartfelt compassion, empathy and kindness through the acceptance of her own pain and suffering.
Her new identity has learned how to ask for help and how to advocate for those who aren’t quite able to yet.
Her new identity has found her voice, one that she no longer takes for granted.
Her new identity has become stronger and more resilient than she truly realizes or gives herself enough credit for.
Her new identity has learned the importance of making self-care her number one priority.
Her new identity has learned how to set limits and enforce healthy boundaries which has in turn created deeper, more meaningful bonds with the people in her life.
And she is grateful. Not for all that she has necessarily lost since that very first day seven years ago but for all that she has gained and learned since then. And it’s alot.
*Thank you to everyone who has been there for me and continues to be there for me since that very first day, loving me and supporting me every step of my journey and thank you as well to everyone who has shown up along the way; your love and support mean the world to me too.
*For those of you who have never heard the story of what happened to me on April 4th, 2014 here it is again:
I spent the better part of my weekend curled up in a ball, blanket pulled over my head, sobbing.
My heart raced non stop, my stomach was in knots.
I was consumed by fear.
My nervous system was in constant fight or flight mode.
I was overwhelmed.
I couldn’t breathe.
I felt like a failure.
The voices in my head had me overthinking everything I’d said or should’ve said or done the week before and then worrying about what my future holds.
I was crippled with anxiety which quickly turned to panic; many times over.
I was not okay.
Friends and loved ones helped distract me, listened to me and reassured me that I am worthy, that I am good enough.
My emotional need to try and please everyone took hold of me so tight this weekend, I was barely functioning.
I told myself I wasn’t strong enough.
My desire to please everyone else came at the expense of my own mental health and wellbeing.
I’d lost total control and wasn’t sure I’d make it through the weekend, let alone get to work today.
But something or maybe it was someone, gave me the inner strength I needed this afternoon to stand up to the bully in my head and allowed me the courage to take back my power in order to navigate through some very murky waters and change the course of a very difficult situation.
I faced my self-doubt today and I faced my fears head on.
I felt empowered.
Today I learned that perhaps some days I am stronger than I think.
I’m not okay right now; I’m kinda really sorta more than not okay right now.
My whole world feels like it’s imploding all at once and being okay feels completely unattainable right now.
My heart feels so incredibly heavy, my spirit is tired and broken.
It’s taking everything I have in me right now to make it through another day as I desperately try and crawl my way out of this darkness.
I feel like I can’t breathe.
I’m not asking anyone to tell me that it’s all going to be okay right now or that everything will work itself out. That’s a whole lot of pressure and besides, no one can ever guarantee anyone of that anyway. I’d just rather you sit with me for a while and remind me that it’s okay to not be okay.
This past week I’ve been a hot mess and it’s left me feeling like such a failure; again. I spent most of my day yesterday hiding under my covers, crying. I needed to cancel my appointment I’d scheduled a couple of weeks ago with another wig specialist because nothing mattered to me anymore. My body needed to rest and my mind most definitely needed to as well.
I know I have a big heart.
I love very deeply which unfortunately doesn’t always work in my favour though.
I overthink everything.
I’ve been told that I’m way too sensitive.
I apologize even when I’m not at fault.
I forgive others too easily.
I care too much about people who don’t give a shit about me.
I try so hard to make other people happy.
I feel guilt over things I have no control over.
Yes, I will be the first to admit it; I am a chronic “people pleaser”. It’s just another wonderful symptom of my depression and anxiety.
Do you know though how much pain and suffering really comes with being a people pleaser? Do you know how much disappointment and self hate and resentment comes with it too? Do you know what kind of toll it can take on your mental, emotional and physical health if you don’t stop it? Look no further than me as a prime example!
I’m spiraling right now and while I desperately try to leave behind a week that’s left me feeling like a hot mess and clinging to several unresolved conflicts I’m battling with in my heart right now, I enter into another new week, a week that is certain to be bound by many, many triggers for me.
I could feel the anticipation brewing yesterday as I lay curled up in a ball, sobbing over the week that had just passed; knowing for starters that today would be exactly one year since I took part in the clinical research study for Psilocybin (yup, time flies) which ended up destroying my body to match my mind. I’ve given myself a full year now to try and heal my body but to no avail. They say that the body has the ability to heal itself but I’m still waiting for that circuit in my brain to fix itself like one of the Neurologists I saw last summer hoped it would.
**News flash, it hasn’t even come close***
Instead I’ve just become a medical mystery.
This Tuesday also marks 9 years since my neverending battle with depression and anxiety first began. A day I play out in my mind over and over again. A day so clear in my memory, it’s as though it were yesterday. Nine years seems like a heck of a long time to be suffering as it is to others but living right in the thick of it for me actually feels more like 9 dog years.
Besides the most obvious triggers that both April 2nd and April 4th leave me battling with this week, there are still several other triggers I am needing to contend with as well as I head into the week ahead including my job itself which I’ve come to accept is no place for someone who is a chronic “people pleaser” and the other being the start of the jewish holiday of Passover Wednesday evening where we will be spending the first 2 nights of enjoying a festive meal with many of our loved ones. Please don’t get me wrong, I love that the jewish holidays means getting to spend time with friends and loved ones but my depressed and anxious mind often feel very differently. I become completely overwhelmed with the pressure (which I know I create most of in my own depressed and anxious mind) that I am expected to put on my “mask” in order to try and stay present in the moment. Just thinking about it as I am writing this is making me completely anxious. It’s fucking exhausting.
I’m not okay right now, but for anyone else who may also be feeling not okay right now, just remember that it is more than okay!
This plaque hangs in my office. Every time I look at it I feel the urge to rip it off the wall.
I know some people glancing up at it during their busy work day may be inclined to take pause in that moment and reflect; maybe it gives someone something to think deeply about or even help to motivate them during a stressful day. But for someone like myself who battles with chronic depression each and every day, every time I look at it, all I wanna do is give it one swift karate chop.
Over the past 9 years, I have heard these words innocently spoken to me time and time again.
Just think positively, just think happy thoughts; if only it was that easy.
Every day I make choices in regards to my mental wellness. I choose to create healthy boundaries which is not always easy, I choose to communicate my thoughts and feelings even though it may sometimes be uncomfortable for others or embarrassing for me and I choose “me” even when the guilt is too overwhelming.
It is most often a very challenging task for me to feel good about myself though when all I hear is that voice in my head spewing negative self-talk at me day in and day out, usually telling me I’m not good enough or I’m not doing enough.
If I would only just choose to be happy then I guess I would feel better, right?
What many people don’t quite understand is that depression is not a choice. I did not choose to become depressed just like I would not choose to have Cancer and thinking that if I just chose to feel happy or if I just chose to think happy thoughts that I could heal my depression can be very detrimental and damaging to someone’s healing process; and lets face it, if it was truly that easy there would be no such thing as Depression and Anxiety.
Follow my journey at: youareenough712.wordpress.com
We’ve all heard the saying before, “Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
Well since starting my new job I am in constant need of reminding myself just the opposite of this because the fact is, some things CAN be put off until tomorrow. I am also needing to remind myself daily to be more intentional as I go about my day and realistic in what I can actually do in a day because my to-do list seems to be a mile long and that’s before I’ve even arrived at work in the morning.
The thought of that alone is enough to overwhelm me every night. I feel guilty when I take a lunch break or leave work on time (which only seems to happen on days when I have an appointment scheduled) even if I know in my heart that nothing I am doing in the moment is life or death if it doesn’t get done today.
Guilt is the ugliest emotion.
Your mind can only focus on so many tasks at once so it’s really important to infuse your life with a healthy balance and not try and do everything all at one time because I can assure you that you will burn out very quickly; I’m living proof of that.
I know I’m doing my best. In fact, I’ve been doing a pretty damn good job and I’m learning that my self-worth is far more valuable than any job.
Understanding that it’s okay to put certain things off until tomorrow is all part of learning to give yourself grace and we all owe ourselves a little self-compassion; even me!
A Gentle Reminder…Your Truest Beauty Comes From Within You
I have spent the better part of almost 2 weeks now desperately trying to wrap my head around so many difficult decisions I need to make over the next while as per the next steps of my journey. One of course being whether or not I want to try DBS (Deep Brain Stimulation) as an option.
Although, at the end of the day, it is ultimately my decision to make, I still feel the need to have my family weigh in on the decision-making process. My kids are all mature (ish) young adults by now and very capable of having mature (ish) conversations with us as well. They have been along for this crazy ride with me for almost 9 years now (respectively they were 11,14 &15 years old when I first took ill) and have seen me go through hell and back ever since which is why I feel it’s only fair they be included in any and all potential life-altering decisions in my journey and in our lives. And yes, this has included a very open and honest conversation recently about M.A.I.D (Medical Assistance in Dying) too.
During our discussion about the DBS procedure earlier this week, my kids listened with intent and asked lots of questions in regards to the treatment itself and its potential side effects. The Neurosurgeon (who is world renowned and has dedicated his long career to the study of Neurodegeneration and Functional Neurosurgery and was even part of the founding Scientific Advisory Board of the Michael J. Fox Foundation team) assured me during our consultation that if I choose the less invasive ultrasound option which I’d be considering, there would be minimal risk or side effects from it.
The procedure is still in its clinical research phase though for patients battling “treatment resistant depression”, which is why and with good reason, there is even more fear among my family, including Rich, that I will once again be left with irremediable damage given my history with modern day medicine thus far. I am living proof, especially when it comes to experimentation of treatments.
It almost seems laughable by now how much my life got even more turned upside down a year ago due to one such treatment, an experimental treatment that was also to be of minimal risk but yet somehow caused me severe neurological damage and so, it’s completely understandable that my family is scared, as am I.
It’s something that I have struggled with in my head probably 50 times a day since my consultation with the Neurosurgeon. It’s weighing heavily on me. But at the same time I know my family will support me no matter what I choose or decide, even going so far as to quote my words from a recent Blog, (in case you missed it, click here to learn more: https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2023/03/14/hardest-decision-ever-your-thoughts-and-prayers-are-most-welcome/), words that originated from the Neurosurgeon himself when he said to me, “You’ve tried everything else out there already”. “What if this works?” and “Please consider this as your last resort before M.A.I.D.”
Quotes which bounce around in my head daily as well.
Of course our discussion could not have been complete though without discussing the real elephant in the room regarding this experimental treatment; the one that includes having to shave my head for the procedure.
Several years ago in June of 2018 I posted a blog I’d written and titled “Chopping Off My Security Blanket” shortly after getting a haircut that I think as I look back on today had triggered some events of childhood trauma which at the time I had not yet confronted and believe it or not, centered solely around my hair. I also wrote about how I’d come to see my hair as my security blanket in my adult life and how nowadays I look at my hair as a piece of my identity and the one part of me that I can control or to which is not frayed (except maybe when I wait too long to cut it!). In my eyes and for a long time now, I’ve felt like my hair was possibly my best feature and the only part of me I accept compliments as truth.
I wish I wasn’t grappling so badly with this very daunting decision or even allowing the decision I make to be weighed so heavily on whether or not I am brave enough to shave my head like so many other millions of women have to face doing every day due to a life threatening illness like cancer or women experiencing hair loss due to conditions like alopecia or other hormonal related disorders; but the truth is, it is, which is why I need to keep reminding myself that mental health is health too!
I know it’s “only” hair and that it will grow back over time. I know in my heart that my hair doesn’t actually define who I am, yet here I am continuing to flip back and forth between being okay with it one minute to the polar opposite the next which was why before I can go any further or make any final decisions I thought that maybe it would be a good idea if I made an appointment to have a free consultation with a wig specialist first (today was the first of two appointments, the second being next Saturday afternoon somewhere else).
Today I got to experiment with different looks and hairstyles and learn more about the many different options as well.
Wigs can allow you to express yourself in ways that sometimes your own hair just can’t. They can give you a real confidence boost as well and never leaving you with a bad hair day either.
The options are endless and overwhelming but with these endless and overwhelming options also comes the opportunity to create new personas for yourself which can actually be fun. So today I focused solely on the fun side of creating a new persona, putting aside any potential traumatic impact it may have on me when it comes time to shave my head.
Today I focused my energy on rejuvenation and restoration and just kept reminding myself that no matter what lies ahead for me or which path I choose that I am confident in knowing that my truest beauty will always continue to come from within me.
My Aunt shared this beautiful story with me today and I knew exactly why she did so as soon as I started reading it. Thank you 😊.
An elderly woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. ‘I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.’
The old woman smiled, ‘Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot’s side?’ ‘That’s because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them.’ For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.
Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.’
Moral of the story:
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it’s the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You’ve just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them. Value each other, accept one another as they are and for all that they do; appreciate the people in your life for their uniqueness and imperfections each and every day 💕💕💕
And while you’re at it, don’t miss out on all the beautiful flowers on your side of the path.
YouAreEnough 
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