Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.
Very few people will ever know the many depths to my healing.
The evening ahead could likely trigger some emotional wounds from childhood for me, but I’ll be ready.
No matter what, I will allow my body and mind to release their feelings. I will not hide behind the difficult ones. I will welcome any pain or discomfort they may cause. I will bask in the joyful moments and positive energy.
The process of getting to where I want to be over the last 10 years hasn’t been easy. There have been many missteps along the way.
I am still a work in progress.
The evening ahead may likely trigger some past emotional wounds for me, but I’m okay with it because I know how important a step forward it will be in my healing journey.
Tonight truly means more to me than most will ever know, which is why, no matter what, “I gotta feelin’ that tonight’s gonna be a good night.” ~ Black Eyed Peas
I had mentioned recently that I’d been dealing with a very trying and toxic situation for months now. Well, if truth be told, it’s actually been well over a year. It’s been eating away at me and has caused my mental and physical health a steep decline, which included a stress-related ulcer last summer.
It’s exhausting and overwhelming and has left me beyond defeated at times.
My spirit broken.
I’ve cried over it for days on end. Unable to breathe at times. Feeling powerless.
It’s left me too anxious to sleep and has consumed my every waking hour.
My friends and family (and therapist) left having to listen to countless hours of my ranting over the past year, whether they’ve wanted to or not.
As I’ve stated before, growing up, I never felt as though I had a voice or was important enough to have one, so I learned to suppress my thoughts, opinions, and needs. I started to believe that my feelings weren’t worthy. I was never taken seriously back then, so why bother speaking up for myself.
It carried over into adulthood. But over the course of my journey these past 10 years, I’ve learned that I do have a voice and that it matters. Through endless hours of therapy, I’ve also learned how to use it. During the past year, while trying to navigate my way through this situation, I tried speaking up on several occasions. My efforts fell on deaf ears. I grew more and more frustrated. I felt gaslighted and defeated. It led me to a very dark place over the last few months.
I didn’t want to live. I saw only one way out of this situation, but with the strength of so many people in my corner, rooting for me, reminding me that I am worthy, helping me challenge the situation, and question it too, I continued to speak up.
There was so much uncertainty, but I didn’t back down. I stayed true to my convictions. And because of all the love and support I’ve had while working through this, I finally was able to put some rest to the constant unrest this week. I’m so glad I didn’t back down. It may not be completely over, but it’s certainly opened up space for some peace in my heart and some order back into my life. It’s allowing me the ability to push the reset button on a part of my life that has been in complete chaos for over a year now. At the very least, I’ve also proved to myself that I am stronger than I think and deserving of better.
I couldn’t have done this alone. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to each and every one of you who have spent countless hours encouraging me, supporting me, and being a listening ear when needed. I am eternally grateful to you and for you.
My plans for the weekend ahead is to stay in the moment, focused on what’s most important; family and friendship ❤️
I’m a bit obsessed with hiking if you couldn’t tell. I plan most of my weekends around our #summerofrich hiking adventures, especially in the warmer seasons. So when I saw the weekend forecast calling for heavy rain and torrential downpours all day Saturday and Sunday, it really “dampened” my mood more.
Hiking brings me calm and contentment.
I feel free from worry for a moment.
It distracts me.
I welcome the release of happy endorphins every time I inhale nature.
It leaves me feeling invigorated.
Stronger.
Accomplished.
This weekend looks like a complete washout so far. My energy level is low, and my routine is disrupted. I am making the best of it, though, by taking this time to rest my body for the next big adventure.
5 years ago today, I fulfilled a dream when the very first copies of my brand new children’s book arrived, hot off the press, on my front porch.
It was a dream I never imagined before my illness set in 10 years ago.
When I first sat down and started writing a poem one day back in early 2018, it was a poem meant for my own children to read. But the more I read it, the more I knew I needed to share my message with the world.
Sharing my labour of love with the world has created endless possibilities and impacted many lives over the last 5 years, guiding parents, caregivers, teachers and loved ones towards helping children (and adults) understand and cope with their feelings when someone they love is suffering with depression (or other mental health issues too).
It takes a lot of hard work to recognize my accomplishments, feel empowered or allow my inner-critic to quiet those negative thoughts in my head just long enough for me to see my self-worth and embrace my vulnerabilities, insecurities and self-doubt.
These are incredibly valuable skills to acquire. Our efforts should always be acknowledged. Our achievements, no matter how big or small they may seem, should always be celebrated.
I needed this reminder today. To learn to forgive myself more. To recognize my strengths and gifts. To appreciate my talents and efforts. To know my self-worth. To be more patient with myself. To believe in me like so many others already do. To keep fighting.
And to know that I am enough.
**With the new school year fast approaching, “Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go?” would be a great addition to school libraries and classrooms alike**
I experienced several micro-moments of joy while hiking, not one, but two separate trails with Rich yesterday afternoon. A first for us. I didn’t want the day to end.
It was a much-needed and welcomed reprieve from life at the moment. I did whatever I could to breathe it all in.
Hiking, being in nature, and moving my body help me to clear my mind of all the vicious lies my depression and anxiety feed me.
Today doesn’t feel like yesterday, though. Today, I woke up to those same cruel and daunting voices in my head, feeding me those same vicious lies. It’s difficult to shut them off today. My mind is racing. Their lies make sense to me. I believe them. Those micro-moments of joy suddenly feel so much less attainable than they did just one day ago.
My anxiety is jumping forward to the week ahead after that much-needed and welcomed reprieve yesterday from life at the moment, while at the same time, my depression is pulling me in the opposite direction, right down a rabbit hole.
One thing that’s been top of mind for me today is that today marks 10 years since Robin Williams tragically took his own life; a day that is still very much engraved in my memory.
I’ve told the story of that evening many times before. Some pieces of it still feel very fresh in my mind today. I was just 4 months into my own mental health journey the day he died. Moments before I had read the news of his passing on my phone, I’d been sitting in my car, all alone in a dark parking lot, my family and friends having no idea of my whereabouts (once again), contemplating my own suicide. It wasn’t the first time in that 4 month period, and it most certainly has not been the last time either where I have thought about or acted upon my thoughts of suicide, but it was suddenly the first time I began to truly understand the depths of my illness.
As the news quickly spread of Robin’s death, friends and family began texting and calling me concerned for my safety and wellbeing. The easiest solution, I just shut off my phone and the noise from the outside world. By now, I was visibly shaken, alone, scared, and suicidal. My only thought I had shortly after the initial shock was, “if someone of Robin Williams’ stature, who seemingly had it all, who always “looked” happy could take his own life, then what the heck am I waiting for?”
Those same thoughts still cloud my judgment today.
The truth is, we have no idea what someone else is truly thinking or feeling or what a healthy person’s brain versus a depressed person’s brain actually looks like to know for sure.
About a year ago, my Psychiatrist told me about another research study he was working on that he thought I’d be a great candidate for. By this point, I was completely done with being a guinea pig for science after my life turned into a nightmare a year earlier from the effects of the Psilocybin trial, but thankfully this new study wouldn’t involve me taking any type of psychedelics or shaving my head like another study I also considered participating in last year. All I would need to do for the study was have a brain scan, do some bloodwork, and answer a series of questionnaires to see if they can figure out the different causes of Depression. He called it “machine learning”. I told him I’d definitely be interested in participating. I’d love to see what’s really going on in that little brain of mine. At the time though, the study was in its infant stage and now, a year later, the study has still not begun so in the meanwhile, he connected me with a colleague of his regarding a similar brain scan study already in progress.
I spoke with his colleague at length about the current study sometime last month. I didn’t discuss my conversation with anyone afterwards, except for my Psychiatrist at our next session where he agreed, that although the risks involved with this other study were very minimal, my track record with antidepressants and psychelics would not be worth trying. I felt defeated once again. I felt helpless once again. Hopeless. And I felt like a failure for turning away another opportunity for the off chance it could help me, or someone else, but after hearing more about this current study during my appointment with the colleague, I quickly learned that it involved a lot more than just a simple brain scan.
For this study, I would be given a couple of functional MRI’s, particpate in several cognitive activities, reward tasks and also be administered an intranasal insulin (as well as a placebo) over the course of a 3 week period. This last part was where the conversation with the study coordinator went south for me.
In this brain “insulin” study, the researchers want to determine whether “brain insulin sensitivity” is related to an individual’s inability to feel pleasure or respond to dopamine, the feel-good mood chemical in our brains (also known as “anhedonia”), when suffering with a major depressive disorder or bipolar disorder.
The neurological damage I’ve endured from the Psilocybin trial is very real and has left me mentally and emotionally spent, not to mention the torture it’s caused my body for close to 2 and a half years now. So attempting to put any other chemicals into my body, natural or otherwise, for the good of science feels very scary to me at this point in my journey.
I know in my heart that my depression and anxiety lie to me. I also know in my heart that I want nothing more than to find a treatment that can help me. I have to believe one still exists and that tomorrow does still need me. It’s just really so damn hard some days to silence the cruel and daunting lies they keep feeding me. I do know for certain, though, tomorrow still needed Robin Williams, and it most certainly still needs you too!
*Please enjoy some pics I took yesterday on our hikes, which brought me so many micro-moments of joy.
*If you or someone you know is in crisis, help is available*
“If you face the choice between feeling guilt and resentment, choose the guilt every time. Resentment is soul suicide.” ~ Gabor Maté, MD
This quote, which I heard recently has really stuck with me, and I, like Gabor Maté, needed others to hear it too as I know I am not the only one who struggles with this push and pull in their own lives.
I’m overwhelmed by so many emotions right now. Life is feeling really heavy this week. Several aspects of my personal journey have me trying to tackle so much guilt and resentment all at once over the past few days which has left me mentally, physically and spiritually broken.
I feel so much guilt whenever setting healthy, appropriate boundaries with others when necessary. I feel guilty for doing so and excuses overwhelm me with reasons why I shouldn’t stick to my boundaries. But then the resentment kicks in and reasons why I should. I’m learning that the guilt is way more empowering and even healthier. Mainly because I know in my heart, I have nothing to feel guilty for in the first place, but my brain has conditioned me to feel otherwise.
Setting boundaries can be the most powerful thing you can do for yourself. It may not always be easy. You may feel manipulated by guilt. Some people will feel let down by you. Others may get mad. Screw them all!!
I’m doing my best to hold on this week by choosing to embrace the guilt knowing that the path to resentment is what is leading me down an even darker road.
I don’t know who else, besides me, may need to hear this today, but for anyone who does, here’s a thumbs up and a gentle reminder that you’re doing great.
I’m so happy it’s a long weekend after a very long week. I plan to spend it prioritizing my mental health. How about you?
Just a girl walking in a 115-acre field of endless sunflowers, petting baby chicks, listening to music, playing some mini golf and enjoying an ice cream on a hot #summerofrich day with her love, all the while, challenging her disordered eating and negative self-talk to not let anything get in her way of the moment.
“You never want to be a rarity in medicine or science.” ~ Celine Dion
I recently watched the new documentary, titled “I Am”. It’s a raw and honest, behind the scenes look at Celine Dion’s daily struggles living with her life-altering diagnosis of “Stiff Person Syndrome”, a rare, incurable neurological disorder which affects 1 or 2 in a million people. Twice as many women as men.
Doctors describe it as “muscles rebelling against the body, causing severe spasms. Also, people experience heightened sensitivity to noise, touch, and emotional stress”. ~ I Am
Watching it brought up a lot of emotions for me.
Brain zaps, a heightened sensitivity to noise and touch, blurred vision, muscle spasms in the form of tremors and tics, numbness, shakiness, constant tingling sensations in my hands and feet and a rare, incurable neurological disorder called PGAD, which affects about 1% of women in the world (even more rare in men) continues to torture my body and mind day and night since April 2, 2022; the day I took part in the clinical research trial for Psilocybin.
I can’t begin to fully understand Celine’s own personal journey or feel the distress and suffering that her nervous system has been undergoing for the better part of a decade now, but as I watched, breathless at times, it was hard not to compare my own pain and anguish to that of Celines.
It felt eerily familiar to me at times.
Both of us dealing with a life-altering, incurable, and very rare diagnosis. One that has left doctor after doctor scratching their heads, unable to fix you.
It can feel very hopeless.
Lonely.
Scary.
Frustrating.
Maddening.
My body and mind are in sensory overload right now due to an abundance of stress and anxiety, both of which cause me to have severe, unrelenting, and unbearable flare-ups of my symptoms. And at this point in time, “I Am” out of options.
If you were to ask Rich who my favourite music artist is, he would tell you, without hesitation, it’s Celine Dion. I have dragged him to see her in concert several times (one of the many perks he had during his career with Sony). He did, however, put his foot down, though, when I begged him to see her again while we were in Vegas some 12 yrs ago when she had a residency there at the time.
Celine is a class act.
My idol, hands down.
She is my inspiration.
Determined and strong-willed.
She has repeatedly promised her millions of fans that she will be back on stage performing one day, whatever it takes, and now it may be even sooner than expected, as rumour has it, she could be back, centre stage as soon as tomorrow, performing at the opening Olympic ceremonies in Paris.
You can be rest-assured I will be watching, cheering her on.
Most likely with tears of joy in my eyes and hope in my heart.
I’m struggling a lot lately, trying to find my place in the world.
Instead of going hiking today, we headed out to find quiet and calm in other ways.
I love exploring quaint little towns.
They offer a sense of tranquility and serenity.
They provide a peaceful sanctuary and an escape from the hustle and bustle of life.
Whether it’s during a #summerofrich hike in nature or a stroll through a small town, there is always a feeling of connection and belonging and a continued dream of one day moving out of the city to a place that offers us all that and more.
YouAreEnough 
You must be logged in to post a comment.