Author: Kim Fluxgold

I posted a blog yesterday. Here it is again in case you missed it: https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2025/03/16/inward-hate/. 


In it, I spoke about my ongoing struggle with negative body image and the

unhealthy relationship I’ve had with food since my late teens.


If you know anything about me, you know that I LOVE diet coke. If you were to ask me what I have for breakfast every day, I, along with my family and work besties would tell you that my breakfast consists of a diet coke and…well, that’s it, just a diet coke. Breakfast of champions. At the start of every morning, whether I’m at work or home, before anything else, I crack open a can. 


And before the end of any given day, I’ve consumed at least 1 to 2 more.


I know, it’s not good. 


I don’t need a lecture about the risks of drinking so much diet coke. I’m well aware, but would it make it any better if I tried to defend myself by telling you that I don’t drink coffee, which is just as bad?


I didn’t lie to you yesterday when I said I’ve always had an unhealthy relationship with food and, in this case, beverages too. I see it as a bubbly, thirst quenching alternative to other options. I also see it as not having any calories or sugar added. To me, it’s a win-win. 


Much like water. 


But I rarely drink water.


Like rarely, rarely.


I know I need to drink more water, which is why last week I made a conscious effort to start doing so. 


For a week now, I’ve been toting around a large tumbler with me to work and at home. It’s very fashionable these days!


It’s been a great success so far, and I’ve found myself drinking less diet coke than usual.


Yay, me! 


#water #tumbler #dietcoke #mentalhealth #awin #healthychoices #negativebodyimage #breakfastofchampions 

Trigger Warning ⚠️ mentions eating disorders and body dysmorphia 

A few weeks ago, I was given an actigraphy device to wear on my wrist as part of the latest research study I am doing.


In case you missed it: https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2025/02/24/research-study/


I wore it for 2 weeks, all day, every day so the research team could measure my movement and track both my sleep and activity cycles. After I completed the 2 weeks early last week, I mailed it back to the research team in a self-addressed envelope they provided me with so that they could graph my results for their study.


During the spring, summer and fall months I am quite active and spend a lot of time walking and hiking in nature as you all likely know by now, but during the winter months, I prefer to hibernate. Winter and I simply don’t get along. 


While wearing the tracker, I became super triggered. I spiraled, to say the least. Something I never predicted would happen. I felt shame and embarrassment as I realized just how little I move my body this time of year. 


I’ve felt little to no motivation lately (not even to write). I’m angry and disappointed in myself. I feel stuck in this body that I can’t even stand to look in the mirror at.


Hate is an expensive emotion to have and often comes at an emotional cost to your mental health, which is where I’m at right now. It’s tiresome and draining to hate everything you say and do and every way you look and feel as much as I do. 


I have struggled since I was 18 years old with negative body image, which led to an eating disorder and a very unhealthy relationship with my body and food ever since. I’ve spoken very openly through my blogging about the struggles I went through to overcome an eating disorder in my early 20’s but I’ve also admitted that for the last 30 plus years I’ve been on a very bumpy ride that has found me dealing with many of the psychological affects of “Body Dysmorphic Disorder” causing me to go from one extreme to the other at different times in my life by restricting my food intake, excessive exercising, to binge eating and self-induced purging and laxatives. 


Hating yourself can feel like an endless loop of self-destruction, but with only days away from the start of spring, I am trying to lead with love and compassion in order to gain some insight into my most recent triggers knowing that in no time at all I will be back on the trails again, healing in nature. 


#healing #nature #hiking #inwardhate #bodydysmorphia #actigraphy #researchstudy #compassion #mentalhealth #YouAreEnough 

As I stare at this little girl in the picture, I feel a sense of nostalgia. I can’t help but feel sad, too. 


She was shy, yet confident and happy. At only 4 or 5 years old, she had so much life ahead of her to explore. She doesn’t even know yet that a few years later, we’d be moving from our home in Montreal to Toronto forever. A move I’ve never regretted.


I wonder what I could say to her now if I met my younger self for a cup of coffee, not that either one of us drink coffee though, so, instead, she’d likely have a donut and chocolate milk, I, a muffin and diet coke or ice capp with skim milk. 


What would she want to say to me?


Was this have been how she envisioned our life? 


Would I spend our time together apologizing to her? Would she be disappointed in me for losing myself (ourself) along the way? For losing that confidence or ability to embrace happiness. 


Did she even have the tools back then to understand that life is not meant to always be easy, that nothing in life that’s worth the effort ever is.


Would she instead be proud of me for the woman I am today? The wife to our amazingly supportive husband and mother to our 3 beautiful, now adult children.


Would she ask me if I followed my dream of becoming a hairdresser? A Veterinarian? A Social Worker? When I tell her no, would she think I failed her? Or will she gently embrace me, while perhaps crying when I fill her in on the day the direction of our life took a drastic turn at 42 years old with an unexpected mental illness diagnosis that somehow led us on a journey that has evolved into finding purpose and meaning in our life for the last 11 years now.


Would she see our experiences over the years as valuable lessons in growth. Will she see our vulnerability as strength? Would she see us as resilient for not giving up without a fight? Would she understand that some of the very difficult choices I’ve needed to make over the last many years weren’t easy to do? She was still so young and hadn’t felt the lasting effects of childhood trauma yet. I wish I could’ve shielded her more from that. 


Today is “International Women’s Day” so to all the incredibly strong, beautiful, smart, inspiring women I know, do me one favour, go have a cup of coffee with your younger self, remind her that she is amazing and that who she is will always be more than enough. 


#happywomensday #internationalwomensday #myreasonswhy #strongertogether #youareenough #coffeewithmyyoungerself #mentalhealth #myjourney #healing

Yesterday was the final day of the #pushforbetter “Push-Up Challenge”, sponsored by the Canadian Mental Health Association’s (CMHA). 

At the beginning of February, I signed up to participate in the fundraiser. Its goal was to complete 2000 push-ups over an 18-day period (Feb 11 to 28). The 2000 push-ups represent the number of lives that are lost to suicide worldwide every day. 

I failed the challenge miserably. 

By day 2, I could not move my upper body, and then, an unexpected medical procedure on my hand days later only added to the terrible pain I was already experiencing.

Epic fail. 

I’m left feeling very disappointed in myself that I gave up on day 2 of the challenge and that I couldn’t achieve my goal even though I knew going in to it that it was probably a bit out of reach for me knowing my upper body muscle tone is very weak.

But failure can be a valuable learning experience. 

It leaves room for growth and personal development.

It helps shift our perspective. 

It gives us time to pause and self-reflect.

It teaches perseverance and resilience. 

I know it’s not realistic to expect success from every new goal we set for ourselves. It may be a difficult concept to accept, but it also takes a lot of courage to admit when we have failed or experienced setbacks, which is something I should be very used to by now. 

Today, as I write this and self-reflect, I am trying to see this experience, not as an epic fail, but as a way forward towards continuing my mission of spreading mental health awareness and advocacy, helping to end the stigma and giving others a space to feel less alone instead.

I also think it’s best I stick to climbing mountains and not push-ups!

#pushupchallenge #epicfail #success #mentalhealthawareness #suicideawareness #advocacy #youarenotalone #youareenough #valuablelessons #growth #perspective #perseverance #resilience #selfreflection #endthestigmatogether #cmha #summerofrich #climbingmountains

I’m wearing pink today to show my support and take a stand against bullying and promote kindness and inclusivity.


We, as human beings have an innate desire and yearning to belong, yet, whether or not we want to admit it, we have all felt like we don’t belong at one time or another throughout our lives.


Whether that feeling starts at home, at school, at work or out in the community, it can be a very lonely and isolating place to be and can often lead to depression, anxiety and even suicide. 


This year’s Pink Shirt Day theme is “Let Kindness Grow” which focuses on “cultivating a community where everyone feels they belong.”


Let’s all help kindness grow by planting the seed today so that one day we can all live in a world without bullying. Sprinkle some kind words, empathy, understanding, and compassion as you go about your day today and every day and imagine the beautiful garden we could grow.


#LetKindnessGrow #PinkShirtDay2025 #PinkShirtDay #standuptobullying #kindness #empathy #compassion #understanding #inclusivity #mentalhealth

In just over a month from now, it will be 3 years since I took part in the Psilocybin (magic mushrooms) Clinical Research Trial (April 2, 2022) for treatment resistant depression, that, as most of you who follow me regularly know has left me battling life-altering neurological damage ever since. 


I’ve made little to no progress in finding a solution to calm my nervous system down after convulsing for close to 6 hours straight during the treatment. To this day I still live with daily brain zaps, tics and spasms, numbness, constant tingling in my hands and feet, blurred vision, a severe aversion to noise and touch and an unrelenting, unbearable disorder known as PGAD. To top it off, I continue to live with my daily symptoms of depression and anxiety, too.


I made a promise to myself shortly after completing my Psilocybin trip, or nightmare as I now call it, that I will never again participate in any type of clinical study that involves trying new medicinal treatments, procedures, or doing anything that could in any way alter my mind or body.


I wholeheartedly still believe in the importance of research, though. I know it is imperative for “the advancement of science and is the foundation for medical progress by providing evidence-based data on new treatments through rigorous research on human subjects.” 


So, instead, I have found other, less invasive ways to help science, and try, as much as I am able, to do my part to help others by participating in research projects over the past couple of years that won’t pose a risk or threat to my health, but are still just as important. 


The most recent one, which is being spearheaded by my Psychiatrist and funded by the Ontario Brain Institute, is divided into 2 tiers. I started tier 1 several weeks ago whereby I participated in 5 or 6 hours of deeply personal clinical interviews and assessments, all of which were conducted on Zoom, one-on-one, with a clinical research study assistant, and broken up into smaller increments over a two week period to help make it easier for both my schedule and mental health. 


The study itself is looking at ways to find the best matches and most effective treatment options for every individual person battling a mood disorder such as depression and bipolar disorder. The study will take 5 years to complete. 


With “most areas of medicine, researchers are able to use ‘biomarkers’ or clinical tests, blood tests, or imaging to help diagnose and treat an illness.” Although there have been some advancements in the search for biomarkers in mood disorders, there are still many roadblocks in the way. This is where tier 2 of this study comes into play and why I spent this afternoon at the hospital where the study is being conducted doing a series of tests including undergoing an MRI, blood work (lots of it), an EEG and lastly, I was given an “actigraphy device” which I now need to wear on my wrist for the next 2 weeks. 


The clinical research study assistant took me around to each of my appointments. 


An actigraphy basically “measures your movement” and tracks both your sleep and activity cycles. This includes, but is not limited to, when you fall asleep, how long you sleep, how often you wake during the night, how much time you are awake during the day and other patterns as well.


Today took a lot out of me. Way more than I expected it to. By the time I headed home I was exhausted, headachy, and nauseous but I have done my part and now I am looking forward to discussing some of my results with my Psychiatrist as one of the many reasons I chose to take part in this study was my ever growing curiosity and our lengthy discussions in the past few years about having a scan of my brain done, to see if, maybe, my brain shows any identifiable markers or patterns commonly associated with depression. So, my mission was accomplished. 


“Medical science has proven time and again that when the resources are provided, great progress in the treatment, cure, and prevention of disease can occur.”

Michael J. Fox

 

#researchstudy #actigraphy #mri #brainscan #forscience  #treatmentresistantdepression #science #neuroscience #clinicaltrial #mentalhealth #biomarkers #missionaccomplished

This morning, I was honoured to share a part of my journey, including my children’s book, and discuss the importance of self-care in both our personal and professional lives with another group of lovely, hardworking caregivers from the Toronto branches of the licensed home childcare agency I work at.

“You may not realize it, but every time you share your story, you’re taking the hand of someone who thought they were the only one.”~Nanea Hoffman

#selfcare #wheredidmommyssmilego #childcare  #takecareofyou #mentalhealth #wellness #youarenotalone

“Don’t be afraid. Be focused. Be determined. Be hopeful. Be empowered.” ~ Michelle Obama

I was reminded over the past week that I can do the hard stuff. 

I was reminded that although I may have no clue what tomorrow brings, I’ll be ready for it.

I was reminded that I am not alone in my struggles.

I was reminded that I need to keep it real.

I was reminded that I need to trust in the process.

I was reminded that I don’t have to fix what I did not break.

I was reminded that I don’t have to be afraid, so long as I can find the strength to stay focused, determined, hopeful, and empowered.

#stayfocused #determined #hopeful #empowered #dontbeafraid #michelleobama #mondaymotivation #familydayweekend #youareamazing #youareenough #mentalhealth 

I had a real shitty week. It all started last Saturday, and I continued to spiral  from there. It included yet another diagnosis to add to my growing list of issues I already contend with daily, which was immediately followed up with a biopsy. Yesterday afternoon, though, I received some positive news (not my biopsy results, that’s not happening for a few weeks). But the news I received, maybe for a brief moment, allowed me to wash away the stress and despair I have felt all week long. It allowed me to see the kinder, gentler side of life. And of myself. 


I made a promise to myself when I received the positive news via an email late yesterday afternoon, on “love” day and just hours before the start of the “Family Day” long weekend (here in Canada, or most of Canada that is) to hold onto this feeling. It made me believe that I am worthy and good enough. 


Self-love can be very powerful and can help set standards for how we want to be treated in all our relationships both with ourselves and others. People who truly love themselves first will, in turn, benefit from the happiest, most valuable relationship of all. 


Of course, this is not me. This is the most opposite of me as you can get. I shame myself daily, I put myself down daily, and I berate myself daily to the point that I have left many bruises and scars on my body and in my heart.  


If you were to ask me to name all the things that I love in my life, my list could be endless. Top 3, of course, are my husband, my kids, and my dog Maggie, but I could still go on and on naming more and more things that I love from there. Unfortunately though, you can be rest assured that upon conclusion of my list I will not have named one very important love; myself, no matter how many times a day I try to crush my inner voice and tell it to stop shaming me, putting me down and berating me.  


Trust me it’s something I work on daily trying to shut those damn voices up any way I can. My heart does know the importance of learning to love and accept myself and to try and see all the reasons why so many others love me too. 


Today, I am embracing those reasons why. Written in plain sight, right there on my shirt. In one big heart, gently pressing against my own heart. Everything I stand for. Reminding me that I am worthy. That I am good enough. Giving me plenty of reasons to love myself wholeheartedly. 


#selflove #plainsight #love #family #mentalhealth #wellbeing #treatmentresistantdepression #anxiety #relationships #loveyourself #longweekend #iamworthy #iamenough #positivevibes

This morning, when I arrived at work, I received a very welcomed distraction/email that had been delivered late Friday afternoon to my inbox. It was from one of the lovely childcare providers that works within my agency. In December, she had purchased several signed copies of my children’s book, “Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go?” from me so she could send to some of her friends who live in England. One of those friends sent her this gracious email as a thank you and asked her to pass on her kind words to me as well.

With very little motivation lately to do much of anything, it’s moments like these that give me the strength to get through another day.

#wheredidmommyssmilego #childrensbook #selfpublished #author #mentalhealth #strength #caregivers #parents #children #labouroflove #gratitude #kindness #ouryouthmatter #youareenough #mondaymotivation