Author: Kim Fluxgold

As I stare at this little girl in the picture, I feel a sense of nostalgia. I can’t help but feel sad, too. 


She was shy, yet confident and happy. At only 4 or 5 years old, she had so much life ahead of her to explore. She doesn’t even know yet that a few years later, we’d be moving from our home in Montreal to Toronto forever. A move I’ve never regretted.


I wonder what I could say to her now if I met my younger self for a cup of coffee, not that either one of us drink coffee though, so, instead, she’d likely have a donut and chocolate milk, I, a muffin and diet coke or ice capp with skim milk. 


What would she want to say to me?


Was this have been how she envisioned our life? 


Would I spend our time together apologizing to her? Would she be disappointed in me for losing myself (ourself) along the way? For losing that confidence or ability to embrace happiness. 


Did she even have the tools back then to understand that life is not meant to always be easy, that nothing in life that’s worth the effort ever is.


Would she instead be proud of me for the woman I am today? The wife to our amazingly supportive husband and mother to our 3 beautiful, now adult children.


Would she ask me if I followed my dream of becoming a hairdresser? A Veterinarian? A Social Worker? When I tell her no, would she think I failed her? Or will she gently embrace me, while perhaps crying when I fill her in on the day the direction of our life took a drastic turn at 42 years old with an unexpected mental illness diagnosis that somehow led us on a journey that has evolved into finding purpose and meaning in our life for the last 11 years now.


Would she see our experiences over the years as valuable lessons in growth. Will she see our vulnerability as strength? Would she see us as resilient for not giving up without a fight? Would she understand that some of the very difficult choices I’ve needed to make over the last many years weren’t easy to do? She was still so young and hadn’t felt the lasting effects of childhood trauma yet. I wish I could’ve shielded her more from that. 


Today is “International Women’s Day” so to all the incredibly strong, beautiful, smart, inspiring women I know, do me one favour, go have a cup of coffee with your younger self, remind her that she is amazing and that who she is will always be more than enough. 


#happywomensday #internationalwomensday #myreasonswhy #strongertogether #youareenough #coffeewithmyyoungerself #mentalhealth #myjourney #healing

Yesterday was the final day of the #pushforbetter “Push-Up Challenge”, sponsored by the Canadian Mental Health Association’s (CMHA). 

At the beginning of February, I signed up to participate in the fundraiser. Its goal was to complete 2000 push-ups over an 18-day period (Feb 11 to 28). The 2000 push-ups represent the number of lives that are lost to suicide worldwide every day. 

I failed the challenge miserably. 

By day 2, I could not move my upper body, and then, an unexpected medical procedure on my hand days later only added to the terrible pain I was already experiencing.

Epic fail. 

I’m left feeling very disappointed in myself that I gave up on day 2 of the challenge and that I couldn’t achieve my goal even though I knew going in to it that it was probably a bit out of reach for me knowing my upper body muscle tone is very weak.

But failure can be a valuable learning experience. 

It leaves room for growth and personal development.

It helps shift our perspective. 

It gives us time to pause and self-reflect.

It teaches perseverance and resilience. 

I know it’s not realistic to expect success from every new goal we set for ourselves. It may be a difficult concept to accept, but it also takes a lot of courage to admit when we have failed or experienced setbacks, which is something I should be very used to by now. 

Today, as I write this and self-reflect, I am trying to see this experience, not as an epic fail, but as a way forward towards continuing my mission of spreading mental health awareness and advocacy, helping to end the stigma and giving others a space to feel less alone instead.

I also think it’s best I stick to climbing mountains and not push-ups!

#pushupchallenge #epicfail #success #mentalhealthawareness #suicideawareness #advocacy #youarenotalone #youareenough #valuablelessons #growth #perspective #perseverance #resilience #selfreflection #endthestigmatogether #cmha #summerofrich #climbingmountains

I’m wearing pink today to show my support and take a stand against bullying and promote kindness and inclusivity.


We, as human beings have an innate desire and yearning to belong, yet, whether or not we want to admit it, we have all felt like we don’t belong at one time or another throughout our lives.


Whether that feeling starts at home, at school, at work or out in the community, it can be a very lonely and isolating place to be and can often lead to depression, anxiety and even suicide. 


This year’s Pink Shirt Day theme is “Let Kindness Grow” which focuses on “cultivating a community where everyone feels they belong.”


Let’s all help kindness grow by planting the seed today so that one day we can all live in a world without bullying. Sprinkle some kind words, empathy, understanding, and compassion as you go about your day today and every day and imagine the beautiful garden we could grow.


#LetKindnessGrow #PinkShirtDay2025 #PinkShirtDay #standuptobullying #kindness #empathy #compassion #understanding #inclusivity #mentalhealth

In just over a month from now, it will be 3 years since I took part in the Psilocybin (magic mushrooms) Clinical Research Trial (April 2, 2022) for treatment resistant depression, that, as most of you who follow me regularly know has left me battling life-altering neurological damage ever since. 


I’ve made little to no progress in finding a solution to calm my nervous system down after convulsing for close to 6 hours straight during the treatment. To this day I still live with daily brain zaps, tics and spasms, numbness, constant tingling in my hands and feet, blurred vision, a severe aversion to noise and touch and an unrelenting, unbearable disorder known as PGAD. To top it off, I continue to live with my daily symptoms of depression and anxiety, too.


I made a promise to myself shortly after completing my Psilocybin trip, or nightmare as I now call it, that I will never again participate in any type of clinical study that involves trying new medicinal treatments, procedures, or doing anything that could in any way alter my mind or body.


I wholeheartedly still believe in the importance of research, though. I know it is imperative for “the advancement of science and is the foundation for medical progress by providing evidence-based data on new treatments through rigorous research on human subjects.” 


So, instead, I have found other, less invasive ways to help science, and try, as much as I am able, to do my part to help others by participating in research projects over the past couple of years that won’t pose a risk or threat to my health, but are still just as important. 


The most recent one, which is being spearheaded by my Psychiatrist and funded by the Ontario Brain Institute, is divided into 2 tiers. I started tier 1 several weeks ago whereby I participated in 5 or 6 hours of deeply personal clinical interviews and assessments, all of which were conducted on Zoom, one-on-one, with a clinical research study assistant, and broken up into smaller increments over a two week period to help make it easier for both my schedule and mental health. 


The study itself is looking at ways to find the best matches and most effective treatment options for every individual person battling a mood disorder such as depression and bipolar disorder. The study will take 5 years to complete. 


With “most areas of medicine, researchers are able to use ‘biomarkers’ or clinical tests, blood tests, or imaging to help diagnose and treat an illness.” Although there have been some advancements in the search for biomarkers in mood disorders, there are still many roadblocks in the way. This is where tier 2 of this study comes into play and why I spent this afternoon at the hospital where the study is being conducted doing a series of tests including undergoing an MRI, blood work (lots of it), an EEG and lastly, I was given an “actigraphy device” which I now need to wear on my wrist for the next 2 weeks. 


The clinical research study assistant took me around to each of my appointments. 


An actigraphy basically “measures your movement” and tracks both your sleep and activity cycles. This includes, but is not limited to, when you fall asleep, how long you sleep, how often you wake during the night, how much time you are awake during the day and other patterns as well.


Today took a lot out of me. Way more than I expected it to. By the time I headed home I was exhausted, headachy, and nauseous but I have done my part and now I am looking forward to discussing some of my results with my Psychiatrist as one of the many reasons I chose to take part in this study was my ever growing curiosity and our lengthy discussions in the past few years about having a scan of my brain done, to see if, maybe, my brain shows any identifiable markers or patterns commonly associated with depression. So, my mission was accomplished. 


“Medical science has proven time and again that when the resources are provided, great progress in the treatment, cure, and prevention of disease can occur.”

Michael J. Fox

 

#researchstudy #actigraphy #mri #brainscan #forscience  #treatmentresistantdepression #science #neuroscience #clinicaltrial #mentalhealth #biomarkers #missionaccomplished

This morning, I was honoured to share a part of my journey, including my children’s book, and discuss the importance of self-care in both our personal and professional lives with another group of lovely, hardworking caregivers from the Toronto branches of the licensed home childcare agency I work at.

“You may not realize it, but every time you share your story, you’re taking the hand of someone who thought they were the only one.”~Nanea Hoffman

#selfcare #wheredidmommyssmilego #childcare  #takecareofyou #mentalhealth #wellness #youarenotalone

“Don’t be afraid. Be focused. Be determined. Be hopeful. Be empowered.” ~ Michelle Obama

I was reminded over the past week that I can do the hard stuff. 

I was reminded that although I may have no clue what tomorrow brings, I’ll be ready for it.

I was reminded that I am not alone in my struggles.

I was reminded that I need to keep it real.

I was reminded that I need to trust in the process.

I was reminded that I don’t have to fix what I did not break.

I was reminded that I don’t have to be afraid, so long as I can find the strength to stay focused, determined, hopeful, and empowered.

#stayfocused #determined #hopeful #empowered #dontbeafraid #michelleobama #mondaymotivation #familydayweekend #youareamazing #youareenough #mentalhealth 

I had a real shitty week. It all started last Saturday, and I continued to spiral  from there. It included yet another diagnosis to add to my growing list of issues I already contend with daily, which was immediately followed up with a biopsy. Yesterday afternoon, though, I received some positive news (not my biopsy results, that’s not happening for a few weeks). But the news I received, maybe for a brief moment, allowed me to wash away the stress and despair I have felt all week long. It allowed me to see the kinder, gentler side of life. And of myself. 


I made a promise to myself when I received the positive news via an email late yesterday afternoon, on “love” day and just hours before the start of the “Family Day” long weekend (here in Canada, or most of Canada that is) to hold onto this feeling. It made me believe that I am worthy and good enough. 


Self-love can be very powerful and can help set standards for how we want to be treated in all our relationships both with ourselves and others. People who truly love themselves first will, in turn, benefit from the happiest, most valuable relationship of all. 


Of course, this is not me. This is the most opposite of me as you can get. I shame myself daily, I put myself down daily, and I berate myself daily to the point that I have left many bruises and scars on my body and in my heart.  


If you were to ask me to name all the things that I love in my life, my list could be endless. Top 3, of course, are my husband, my kids, and my dog Maggie, but I could still go on and on naming more and more things that I love from there. Unfortunately though, you can be rest assured that upon conclusion of my list I will not have named one very important love; myself, no matter how many times a day I try to crush my inner voice and tell it to stop shaming me, putting me down and berating me.  


Trust me it’s something I work on daily trying to shut those damn voices up any way I can. My heart does know the importance of learning to love and accept myself and to try and see all the reasons why so many others love me too. 


Today, I am embracing those reasons why. Written in plain sight, right there on my shirt. In one big heart, gently pressing against my own heart. Everything I stand for. Reminding me that I am worthy. That I am good enough. Giving me plenty of reasons to love myself wholeheartedly. 


#selflove #plainsight #love #family #mentalhealth #wellbeing #treatmentresistantdepression #anxiety #relationships #loveyourself #longweekend #iamworthy #iamenough #positivevibes

This morning, when I arrived at work, I received a very welcomed distraction/email that had been delivered late Friday afternoon to my inbox. It was from one of the lovely childcare providers that works within my agency. In December, she had purchased several signed copies of my children’s book, “Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go?” from me so she could send to some of her friends who live in England. One of those friends sent her this gracious email as a thank you and asked her to pass on her kind words to me as well.

With very little motivation lately to do much of anything, it’s moments like these that give me the strength to get through another day.

#wheredidmommyssmilego #childrensbook #selfpublished #author #mentalhealth #strength #caregivers #parents #children #labouroflove #gratitude #kindness #ouryouthmatter #youareenough #mondaymotivation 

My mental health has been on a downward spiral of late. It all came to a head yesterday afternoon and brought me into crisis status. I came close to being carted off to the emergency room in the back of a police cruiser again.


I haven’t felt much like writing or sharing any of the painful parts of my journey lately (some of which I just can’t). I know I don’t owe it to anyone, but, at the same time, I feel this unwritten sense of obligation to do so which only puts even more pressure on my already fragile state of mind.


Writing is a creative outlet for me and should never feel forced. It’s supposed to be therapeutic, but lately, it’s felt otherwise. Maybe it’s because lately I’ve felt so defeated, disconnected, and as though I don’t belong here, there, or anywhere for that matter. 


I didn’t sleep much last night after the trauma my body and mind endured yesterday and I am still feeling quite shaken and anxious today, but when I awoke early this morning to a random and most appreciated private message on my Facebook page from one very thoughtful follower of mine where she shared with me, a half dozen pictures of beautifully painted rocks with an array of inspirational messages on them and a note attached that read,


“Saw this today and thought of you. 
Hope you have an awesome day.”,

I was quickly reminded that I do belong. I am surrounded by such an incredible community that continues to root for me. Her message of hope couldn’t have come at a better time. She had no idea of the trauma that took place yesterday but thought of me just because. I am so grateful. 


I wanted to share these beautifully painted rocks here today for anyone else reading this who may also need a message of hope or a gentle reminder that no matter what, you are worthy and enough too.


Happy Superbowl Sunday, everyone!


#youareenough #paintedrocks #beautifulmessages #messageofhope  #mentalhealth #youbelong #crisis #downwardspiral #connection #community #writing #blogger #therapeutic #sharing #itsoktonotbeok #agentlereminder #youmatter #Superbowlsunday

Starting this Tuesday, February 11th, until Friday, February 28th, I will be challenging myself to #pushforbetter by participating in the Canadian Mental Health Association’s (CMHA) “Push-Up Challenge”.


The goal of this challenge is to complete 2000 push-ups in the 18 days (or any alternative exercise one chooses). Each one of the 2000 push-ups represents the number of lives lost to suicide every day worldwide. 


I know firsthand just how difficult the winter months are for many. The “winter blues” and “seasonal affective disorder” (SAD) are so common. It’s very easy for someone to experience bouts of depression or, like myself, become more depressed during these long and dreary months. I miss my #summerofrich hiking adventures and outdoor time spent immersing myself in nature, moving my body, and decluttering my mind.


That is why, especially during this time of year, it is so important for my own mental wellness, self-care and resilience to find other ways to “push” myself to move my body and challenge my mind. 


But even if the goal of completing 2000 push-ups in 18 days (that’s 111 a day!!) feels a bit out of reach for me, or even if I need to modify my choice of exercise, I know that every “push-up” counts and that, no matter what, I will have succeeded in my continued efforts to raise mental health awareness and help end the stigma. 


My hope, as always, is that I can make a positive impact and inspire others to get their body and mind moving.


If you are up for the challenge, come join me (your mind and body will thank you!), or if you wish to make a donation, I have attached a link below. Every dollar raised will go towards supporting CMHA’s essential programs and services that help those impacted by mental illness every day and create better mental health outcomes. Last year’s efforts raised over 2 million dollars.


Stay tuned for updates and remember that mental health IS health and that if we work together, we can all “push” for better mental health.”


https://www.thepushupchallenge.ca/fundraiser/kimfluxgold

 

#pushupchallenge #suicideawareness #mentalhealthishealth #cmha #mentalhealth #seasonaldepression #winterblues #goals #endthestigma #pushforbetter #twothousandlives #eighteendays #youareenough