Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.
First, I want to take this opportunity to say a big, heartfelt thank you to everyone who has reached out to me both privately and online over the past few days since sharing my blog with you about my decision to finally leave my immensely toxic workplace in the best interest of my health, well-being and overall survival.
I am overwhelmed with emotion by the outpouring of kindness and support I have received and for reminding me that I am worthy of a well-deserved fresh start at my upcoming new job.
Last week, after letting my supervisor know that I was resigning, and after I felt the weight lifted off my shoulders from that, I wanted to personally reach out to all the lovely ladies I work with remotely to tell them I was leaving as well so I sent them a very warm-hearted email. There are more than 100 lovely ladies in total.
I talk to so many of these lovely ladies on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis and have built strong bonds with lots of them. They were in no way the reason for my decision to leave. They have shown me nothing but kindness and gratitude every time I speak with them. They, along with my coworkers are who have kept me going for this long.
Within minutes of me hitting the send button on my note to them, my phone was ringing and my inbox was inundated with beautiful messages of appreciation and gratitude, which I wanted to share some of with you today.
I felt valued. I felt worthy. I felt appreciated. I felt respected. I felt seen. I felt important. All the feelings I’ve yearned for by leadership.
Feeling valued transcends into all aspects of our life. There is no better feeling in the world than knowing that your efforts are appreciated or making an impact on others. Feeling valued deepens a real sense of meaning in your life.
For so long now, I’ve felt undervalued, unheard, and unappreciated by my supervisor, and I even told her this on a number of occasions. Many of the traumatizing experiences I’ve endured over the last 2 plus years have all but crushed the little confidence I had left in me. When you have been mistreated for so long, sometimes all you need is some much-needed reassurance that you are valued. It can go a long way, which is why I will definitely be taking all these beautiful sentiments with me as I begin my new and exciting next chapter.
How do you spell R-E-L-I-E-F?? (Read to the end to find the answer)
This blog has taken me many days to write and rewrite. This past week has been met with a roller-coaster of emotions.
I share so much of my life with you, always speaking my truths, with the rawest of emotion and as openly and honestly as I can, but there has been a HUGE part of my life for close to 2.5 years now, that I have not shared outside of my circle. And it’s a lot. The timing feels right, though. So here goes.
In December of 2022, I went back to work full-time after a nearly 9 year hiatus due to my mental health struggles. Full disclosure here; I did so in the attempt to help lift some of the financial burden off my family at that time, and I really hoped it would also create a positive shift in my life, but instead it has ended up doing quite the opposite for me (and I’m not talking about the financial burden piece).
From almost day one, my job has added an immense amount of strain to my mental, physical, and emotional well-being. My personal life, too. I returned to this organization, which I worked for some 15 years earlier, thinking it would be an easy transition back into the workforce for me, but it hasn’t. Instead, from almost day one, I have faced a very toxic and emotionally draining environment stemming from poor leadership in upper management.
From almost day one, I’ve dealt with gaslighting, shifting blame, feeling inadequate and insecure, micromanagement, constantly questioning my self-worth, emotional manipulation, ignored when addressing serious concerns even though they were also being addressed by multiple employees and outsiders, and a culture where hard work is punished rather than appreciated. Speaking up only leads to retaliation, not resolution. I’ve watched some of my amazing, hardworking coworkers, one in particular, who literally works 24/7, doing the job of at least 6 people, be berated daily, and made to feel like she is not good enough. News flash, she is good enough and I tell her that every day. She is the hardest working person I’ve ever known and deserves none of it. Hiring additional support staff is always out of the question. We’re all just supposed to be machines instead.
I have been forced to sign new contracts from my original agreement when I took the job and have had my bonus and incentive plans taken away or changed without notice to suit their own agenda or pocketbook. I have also raised serious and uncomfortable concerns, including last fall when I discovered a coworker posting antisemitic rhetoric on her social media pages —only to be dismissed and made to feel as though I had done something wrong. As a Jew, it broke me.
From almost day one, I have felt more burnt out, more anxious, and more depressed. I’ve laid awake night after night, questioning my worth and whether or not s*icide would be my only way out. I kept spiraling, convincing myself that keeping the peace was more important than protecting myself, even after consulting with lawyers on multiple occasions who told me otherwise, but I’ve felt too trapped to pursue any of my options because I needed my job.
Work has become pretty much the only thing I talk about. It consumes me during every waking moment, evenings, and weekends included. Just ask Rich, my kids, my friends, and my therapist if you don’t believe me!
The saddest part of all of this is that I truly love my actual job, I work my ass off, and I’m damn good at it, too. So much about my job brings me joy and fulfillment. I am appreciated for my efforts by everyone I encounter, everyone that is, except for leadership. I adore the ladies I work with, both in my office and remotely. I’ve forged many meaningful, lifelong friendships, and it hurts that the good parts are now wrapped in this heaviness I didn’t ask for. There is a real bond and connection that forms between two people who share the same experiences and trauma. It can provide someone with a sense of belonging, empathy, understanding, and validation. Our daily doses of “WTF” texts, toxic boss and workplace memes, and nightly phone calls have been a source of laughter and survival for me and has helped me get through a lot of the darkness.
It’s no secret that I take on other people’s emotions and feel a deep fear of letting others down. I’m a chronic people pleaser and have struggled with “good girl syndrome” for as long as I can remember. Because of that, I have let the abuse continue—enduring the threats, passive-aggressive emails, and the confrontations whenever I try to push back while swallowing my discomfort and pride in order to not disappoint. It’s become second nature to me, and this damaging mindset has kept me stuck. It’s kept me quiet when I should’ve spoken up louder. It’s made me second-guess myself when I knew I was being mistreated. I’ve convinced myself I deserved it.
I’m not sharing this for sympathy, but to say that if you are also struggling in a toxic workplace, you’re not alone. You are not weak for being affected by it. And it’s okay to walk away to protect your peace and sanity, which is exactly what I am finally doing as I recently accepted a new job.
When I heard the words from my new boss, “I would like to offer you the job,” I was overcome with tears. In that very moment, I knew I was finally free. I knew that I no longer had to tolerate being devalued, unheard, and unappreciated or settle for less than I deserved. Looking my boss straight in the eye and saying to her that “in the best interest of my mental health I am giving you my notice today as I need to put myself first and “this place” no longer aligns with my ability to do so” felt scary, gratifying and triumphant all rolled into one. She reacted like any good toxic boss would, saying she was very surprised at my resignation but admitted that my feelings were valid! (There has been a huge turnover of staff recently)
I can’t wait to start this next chapter soon, where self-care is encouraged and not looked upon as a weakness. For the first time in a long time, it feels like a fresh start. I won’t have to abandon myself any longer, just to survive.
I know there’s going to be a lot of healing ahead for me from all the trauma I’ve experienced. I know that. But for right now as I begin to unravel the weight of everything I’ve carried for so long, finally saying it out loud is the first step toward reclaiming my voice, my peace, and maybe, just maybe, my joy.
I finally see my worth. I finally understand that I deserve better. We all do.
I started off this article with the question,
How do you spell R-E-L-I-E-F??
The answer is quite simple –
QUIT-YOUR-TOXIC-JOB!!!!
“Sometimes the hardest part of your journey will be believing you are worthy of better.”~unknown
**To all my friends, my loved ones and my most empathetic, understanding and supportive therapist who have allowed me the space to talk about the same situation over and over and OVER again, I just want to say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!! Your phone calls and text messages to me over the past week telling me how proud you are of me and how genuinely happy you are for me have meant the world to me.
I decided it’d be a good idea for me to vote early for the upcoming federal election, which is what I did today, and so, too, did my family.
I know my limitations well enough to know that on the day of the election, I’d potentially be too overwhelmed after another stressful day at work and end up not voting at all.
Canadian politics, or politics in general, have never been my thing. I’ve tried, but if I’m being honest, over the last decade or so, I’ve been way more caught up in the political circus of our American allies than that of my own country’s politics. Like I said, if I’m to be completely honest.
For most of the world, it’s been hard not to watch the trainwreck unfold south of the border. But, while I’ve been busy watching that trainwreck unfold across the border, much like that of an unscripted, sensationalized, very dramatic and often entertaining reality show, our own spectacular country was becoming its own trainwreck too.
I love my country. I am so proud to be Canadian. But in more recent years, my beautiful country has become unrecognizable while living in fear, trying to raise my Jewish family here. It is why I needed to go vote today, especially after waking to the news this morning that 3 local Jewish businesses had been vandalized overnight. I didn’t want to miss out on my privilege as a Canadian citizen and my right to do so, knowing that our country needs to be saved. I can’t look away any longer, also knowing that this election is more vital than ever before.
“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
To say your dad and I are proud of you, Rachel would be an understatement.
When the world shut down in March of 2020, just a few months before your high school graduation, I was heartbroken for you (which is what ultimately led me to create my Graduate lawn sign campaign that spring, raising over $20,000 for youth mental health over the next few years).
A once in a lifetime grad trip canceled, a prom dress never to be worn, and a graduation ceremony that took place online some 8 months after you graduated.
But with such resilience and style, you moved on, more focused and determined than ever. With several university acceptance letters in hand to your future dream of becoming an interior designer, you made the best of it. In preparation, that summer, you turned our living room into your oasis and an art studio before beginning your studies that fall from the comfort of home for the better part of the next 2 years.
There were many ups and some downs along the way. Those downs are what ultimately lead to your decision to take a semester off to focus on yourself halfway through your 4 year degree program. Your dad and I admired your strength and stood by your decision 💯 percent.
You went back the following semester, more focused and determined than ever, landing an amazing internship last summer as well, which you continue to work for today; even more proof that not only does hard work pay off, but is also a gentle reminder of just how incredibly talented and worthy you truly are.
Today, you completed your final presentation and have undeniably earned yourself the well-deserved title of “Interior Designer.”
You did it, Rachel, all on your own, and you did it well.
Just promise me one thing today, whatever awaits you on this next chapter of your journey, “I hope you will run through every open door and tell stories when you return.” ~ Alix E. Harrow
Purpose is something you create for yourself. It is why, over the last several years of my healing journey I have spent so much of my time chasing contentment, exploring my passions, building new connections, and fulfilling my desire to live a purposeful life.
Recently, an opportunity presented itself for me to partner/collaborate on some ongoing engagement/research projects, focus groups and workshops with CAMH (Canadian Mental Health Association) and 9-8-8 Suicide Crisis Hotline; so I jumped at the chance.
These opportunities are centered around inclusivity, educating families, and ongoing research to ensure that they are continuing to improve the quality of care for patients/users by listening to opinions of individuals like myself with lived experience to help them learn new ways to grow and enhance the overall patient/user experience.
Last night, I participated in one of these panels. It was for 9-8-8 Canada, which is now in its second year. It’s collaborations like this one, which prove to be of high importance in helping the 9-8-8 team visualize the core components of their user’s experiences, moving forward.
The moderator was so passionate about her work. It was easy to feel her desire to live a purposeful life.
She recited a quote to us during our time together yesterday, and it has really resonated with me ❤️. It felt relevant to my life at the moment while I continue to chase contentment, explore my passions, build new connections, and fulfill my desire to live a purposeful life.
“Everyone has something to teach us. Everyone has something to learn.”
We all have the ability to teach and learn from the moment we are first born. It never stops.
I learn every day, and I realized in that moment when she spoke those words outloud, that I am also teaching others everyday as well; sharing my knowledge, my life lessons and my experiences with the world.
I understand now that I have already been fulfilling my desire to live a purposeful life after all.
You captured our hearts from the moment we brought you home on Father’s Day, 2011, and you were the greatest gift I could’ve ever wished for on my 40th birthday a few days later.
You were only 8 weeks old. Today, you turn 14. Still spunky and feisty and as adorable as ever.
You will never know just how much your crazy antics, unconditional love, and emotional support have brightened up our lives every day since. You are such a special part of our family in so, so many ways.
I love you to the moon and back, “fur”ever and a day.
“Dogs are not our whole lives, but they make our lives whole.”~Roger Caras
They may be way past the age of engaging in childhood rituals, but when all the cousins get together, they love to embrace their inner child.
After dinner tonight, the kids collectively asked if it was time to find the afikomen. They weren’t joking either. So, while they were distracted in conversation, we hid the afikomen, and then they all went from room to room, searching for it, just like they did when they were kids.
For those who don’t know, hiding the afikomen (a piece of Matzah) is hidden during the Passover sedar and then found by the children, normally with a small prize or reward given to the one who finds it.
Cousin Noah was the one to find it first, but their fun Uncle Harris did not disappoint and had $5 bills on hand for all of them. They then celebrated with a shot afterward. I guess that’s the joy of being an adult with a childlike spirit!
Tonight, Jews around the world will be celebrating the first night of Passover. A night traditionally celebrated with family and/or friends who gather together for a Sedar (means order) meal to retell the story of the Israelites Exodus from Egypt thousands of years ago, and their transition from slavery to freedom. This is told through reading a book called a Haggadah, which is filled with beautiful stories, fun rituals, and joyous songs.
It’s really difficult though, and almost inconceivable to imagine celebrating our Jewish freedom this year when, for more than 550 days now, close to 60 hostages are still enslaved in Gaza, held in captivity by Hamas, and tortured daily. 24 of whom are thought to still be alive.
“Let my people go” is a recurring theme throughout the Haggadah and is deeply embedded within the story of Passover and the understanding of the Israelites’ liberation from slavery to freedom.
Tonight, as we gather together for our Sedars, the symbolism will not be lost on any one of us who continue to pray for the release of the remaining hostages.
Wishing everyone celebrating a meaningful Passover 🎗🇮🇱✡️
It’s been a minute since I’ve watched Jacob play hockey. I honestly miss the days of schlepping to multiple rinks a week for practices and games, and I especially miss my hockey family.
Jacob still plays hockey regularly, just in men’s leagues now where it’s no longer cool to have your mommy cheering you on from the stands, especially a very anxious goalie mom.
This week has been a really difficult one on multiple levels. I thought this anxious goalie mom could use a distraction today, and coming to watch Jacob play in his final game of the winter season seemed like the perfect way.
Before I started writing my blog, I wrote a piece near the end of Jacob’s minor league hockey career. Thought I’d share it again tonight.
For the past 12 yrs being a hockey Mom has been a huge part of who I am…I still remember putting Jacob on the ice his first year in house league all dressed in his hockey gear hardly able to skate and boom…the goalie skated by him and they accidentally collided and Jacob broke his wrist. Fast forward 2 yrss and Jacob waiting patiently for his turn to play goalie in a tournament…he did an amazing job and from that day forward Jacob’s dream of becoming a goalie was fulfilled. One year later, he joined a team with his friends, which has now become our family for the last 9 years. He has improved and worked hard to become a successful goalie since then through perseverance, training, coaching, and his love of being a goalie. Throughout the years, hockey has defined our family dynamics, always working our lives around where the next game or tournament is… yes being a hockey Mom has been a title I will hold near and dear to my heart forever…the ups and downs, I wouldn’t change a thing…but now what…with only a handful of games left in what is Jacob’s final year of minor league hockey (and hopefully a few more if they make the playoffs), he, I am sure will continue to play for many years to come in the adult world but what about the hockey Mom. Where does that put me. No more schlepping from one end of the GTA to the other, no more car stinking like a pair of dirty socks, no more cheering when the team scores the game winning goal and no more hockey family. I have dreaded this day coming for a long time but I know that Jacob’s commitment he has made to his teammates and coaches alike through the last 12 years will help define him as he endures many new challenges ahead and I will always be grateful for what hockey has given him…and what he has given me…his “hockey mom”.
YouAreEnough 
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