Earlier this week, I recorded a podcast for a documentary series in the psychedelic space. The hosts of the podcast, Frank and Kaitlyn’s intentions for the docu-series, is to shine a light on both good and bad leadership in the psychedelic world of clinical research trials.
They live in Australia. Fun fact; if I could travel anywhere in the world, Australia would be it, hands down.
I was introduced to Frank and Kaitlyn by a fellow participant of the Psilocybin clinical trial who found me after the results of the study were first published last year (her, along with a frenzy of media personnel that is). She, like myself, experienced irreparable damage from the trial and also like myself, has since become a strong voice in advocating for better leadership when it comes to how these trials are run. Since finding one another, we have also become a much needed sounding board for one another.
It’s been nearly 3.5 years since I willingly participated in the study and am still dealing with the unwelcome repercussions of my choice. I am hopeful that a treatment I will begin next month with the guidance of a Movement Neurologist will help, even if only a wee bit!
The neurological damage and regret I live with daily as a result of this angers me to the core every time I think about how poorly run it was. And how little accountability there was.
It has been a while since I have spoken in a public form about my experience, but this week, I had the opportunity to do so twice, as I pre-recorded another interview this afternoon with one of the kindhearted organizers of the “Psychedelic Lived Experience Summit”, which is happening virtually, this November.
Both interviews went really well. They felt meaningful and cathartic. Any time I get to share my story and experiences, I feel purposeful. It has become a large part of my ongoing healing journey.
Both interviewers had done lots of research on me prior to speaking with them and had a lot of difficult questions for me to answer as they want their viewers to hear my truth, especially since much of my experience was covered up in the published study results. Some parts of our discussions may have felt triggering, but all of their questions were approached with compassion and heartfelt. They were relevant and important to understanding how drastically my life has changed since April 2nd, 2022.
I spoke openly and honestly about everything, from how I felt the study was run, to spending the better part of the last 3 years trying to find treatments to help me, to my severe mental health decline because of the trial which led me to go through a very scary and lonely application process for M.A.I.D (medical assistance in dying) at one point in time two years ago.
I shared my story not once but twice this week. I was met both times with gratitude and kindness. I was told how brave and inspiring and courageous I am for my willingness to share. One of the interviewers stated how appreciative he is that I don’t take on a victimhood approach to what has happened to me as I am always happy for others who’ve found peace from medications and treatments that have seemingly failed me.
I speak out for change. I still have a deep belief in the power of science, and I am grateful for science, even if it feels like it let me down. I speak out for change because I don’t want future studies to repeat the same mistakes. I speak out for change because I have faith that science has the ability to change many lives for the better. I still believe in its promise, its progress, and its power to heal.
I speak out for change because I am resilient. And my voice matters.
I’m both emotionally exhausted and proud of myself for being given the opportunity to speak out for change, not once, but twice this week. Lots of self-love will be top of mind this weekend.
Shabbat Shalom, and much love to all of you for continuing to follow my journey and rooting me on every step of the way.
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YouAreEnough 