Trigger Warning ⚠️ Mention of suicidal thoughts, Suicide
Yesterday marked the 11th anniversary of Robin William’s passing.
To many, it’s hard to believe how quickly time has passed, but unfortunately for me, it’s not. The anniversary of his passing still triggers me today. It’s a cruel reminder of just how real depression is.
That night is forever engrained in my memory. I’ve told the story of that evening many times before. Some pieces of it are still very fresh in my mind. I was just 4 months into my own mental health journey the day he died. Moments before I had read the news of his passing on my phone, I’d been sitting in my car, all alone in a dark parking lot, my family and friends having no idea of my whereabouts (once again), and contemplating my own suicide. It wasn’t the first time in that 4 month period, and it most definitely has not been the last where I have thought about or acted upon my thoughts of suicide, but it was suddenly the first time I began to truly understand the depths of my illness.
As the news quickly spread of Robin’s death, friends and family began lighting up my phone, concerned for my well-being and wanting to ensure I was safe. Easiest solution, I just shut it off. By now I was visibly shaken, alone and terrified and my only thought I had right after the initial shock was, “if someone of Robin Williams’ stature, who seemingly had it all could take his own life then what the heck am I waiting for?”
Those same thoughts still cloud my judgment some days, today as his passing is a reminder that even a person of his stature can carry the heaviest of burdens.
I often wonder what Robin would be doing today if he were still here.
Would he be performing a new stand-up show on stage to a sold-out crowd somewhere, making them laugh until they peed? Or perhaps he’d be working on another movie or lending his voice to some new outrageous character.
Maybe by now, he’d have chosen to retire from showbiz altogether to spend more time, enjoying a quieter life with his loved ones while lending his voice to a much bigger purpose or cause.
I think about how many more lives he might have touched over the last 11 years, if, in that dark, unshakable moment, he’d have been able to see through the clouds or if he had reached out to a loved one and said – “I’m not okay.” Trust me when I tell you that those are 3 of the hardest words to say out loud.
He didn’t reach out that night, and that dark, unshakable moment —took him from the world. A world that still needed him (imagine how many lives he would’ve brightened during the pandemic!).
Robin’s passing is a reminder that kindness and laughter don’t always mean someone is okay inside. His passing is also a daily reminder to us all to check in, reach out, and stay connected.
Depression lies, and no amount of money or fame can fix that. It wants us to believe that tomorrow doesn’t need us, and some days, it’s really so damn hard to silence those cruel and daunting lies.
But one thing I do know for certain is that tomorrow still needs Robin Williams and that it still needs you too!
*If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, please dial 9.8.8*
Help is available.
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