How do you spell R-E-L-I-E-F??
(Read to the end to find the answer)
This blog has taken me many days to write and rewrite. This past week has been met with a roller-coaster of emotions.
I share so much of my life with you, always speaking my truths, with the rawest of emotion and as openly and honestly as I can, but there has been a HUGE part of my life for close to 2.5 years now, that I have not shared outside of my circle. And it’s a lot. The timing feels right, though. So here goes.
In December of 2022, I went back to work full-time after a nearly 9 year hiatus due to my mental health struggles. Full disclosure here; I did so in the attempt to help lift some of the financial burden off my family at that time, and I really hoped it would also create a positive shift in my life, but instead it has ended up doing quite the opposite for me (and I’m not talking about the financial burden piece).
From almost day one, my job has added an immense amount of strain to my mental, physical, and emotional well-being. My personal life, too. I returned to this organization, which I worked for some 15 years earlier, thinking it would be an easy transition back into the workforce for me, but it hasn’t. Instead, from almost day one, I have faced a very toxic and emotionally draining environment stemming from poor leadership in upper management.
From almost day one, I’ve dealt with gaslighting, shifting blame, feeling inadequate and insecure, micromanagement, constantly questioning my self-worth, emotional manipulation, ignored when addressing serious concerns even though they were also being addressed by multiple employees and outsiders, and a culture where hard work is punished rather than appreciated. Speaking up only leads to retaliation, not resolution. I’ve watched some of my amazing, hardworking coworkers, one in particular, who literally works 24/7, doing the job of at least 6 people, be berated daily, and made to feel like she is not good enough. News flash, she is good enough and I tell her that every day. She is the hardest working person I’ve ever known and deserves none of it. Hiring additional support staff is always out of the question. We’re all just supposed to be machines instead.
I have been forced to sign new contracts from my original agreement when I took the job and have had my bonus and incentive plans taken away or changed without notice to suit their own agenda or pocketbook. I have also raised serious and uncomfortable concerns, including last fall when I discovered a coworker posting antisemitic rhetoric on her social media pages —only to be dismissed and made to feel as though I had done something wrong. As a Jew, it broke me.
From almost day one, I have felt more burnt out, more anxious, and more depressed. I’ve laid awake night after night, questioning my worth and whether or not s*icide would be my only way out. I kept spiraling, convincing myself that keeping the peace was more important than protecting myself, even after consulting with lawyers on multiple occasions who told me otherwise, but I’ve felt too trapped to pursue any of my options because I needed my job.
Work has become pretty much the only thing I talk about. It consumes me during every waking moment, evenings, and weekends included. Just ask Rich, my kids, my friends, and my therapist if you don’t believe me!
The saddest part of all of this is that I truly love my actual job, I work my ass off, and I’m damn good at it, too. So much about my job brings me joy and fulfillment. I am appreciated for my efforts by everyone I encounter, everyone that is, except for leadership. I adore the ladies I work with, both in my office and remotely. I’ve forged many meaningful, lifelong friendships, and it hurts that the good parts are now wrapped in this heaviness I didn’t ask for. There is a real bond and connection that forms between two people who share the same experiences and trauma. It can provide someone with a sense of belonging, empathy, understanding, and validation. Our daily doses of “WTF” texts, toxic boss and workplace memes, and nightly phone calls have been a source of laughter and survival for me and has helped me get through a lot of the darkness.
It’s no secret that I take on other people’s emotions and feel a deep fear of letting others down. I’m a chronic people pleaser and have struggled with “good girl syndrome” for as long as I can remember. Because of that, I have let the abuse continue—enduring the threats, passive-aggressive emails, and the confrontations whenever I try to push back while swallowing my discomfort and pride in order to not disappoint. It’s become second nature to me, and this damaging mindset has kept me stuck. It’s kept me quiet when I should’ve spoken up louder. It’s made me second-guess myself when I knew I was being mistreated. I’ve convinced myself I deserved it.
I’m not sharing this for sympathy, but to say that if you are also struggling in a toxic workplace, you’re not alone. You are not weak for being affected by it. And it’s okay to walk away to protect your peace and sanity, which is exactly what I am finally doing as I recently accepted a new job.
When I heard the words from my new boss, “I would like to offer you the job,” I was overcome with tears. In that very moment, I knew I was finally free. I knew that I no longer had to tolerate being devalued, unheard, and unappreciated or settle for less than I deserved. Looking my boss straight in the eye and saying to her that “in the best interest of my mental health I am giving you my notice today as I need to put myself first and “this place” no longer aligns with my ability to do so” felt scary, gratifying and triumphant all rolled into one. She reacted like any good toxic boss would, saying she was very surprised at my resignation but admitted that my feelings were valid! (There has been a huge turnover of staff recently)
I can’t wait to start this next chapter soon, where self-care is encouraged and not looked upon as a weakness. For the first time in a long time, it feels like a fresh start. I won’t have to abandon myself any longer, just to survive.
I know there’s going to be a lot of healing ahead for me from all the trauma I’ve experienced. I know that. But for right now as I begin to unravel the weight of everything I’ve carried for so long, finally saying it out loud is the first step toward reclaiming my voice, my peace, and maybe, just maybe, my joy.
I finally see my worth. I finally understand that I deserve better. We all do.
I started off this article with the question,
How do you spell R-E-L-I-E-F??
The answer is quite simple –
QUIT-YOUR-TOXIC-JOB!!!!
“Sometimes the hardest part of your journey will be believing you are worthy of better.”~unknown
**To all my friends, my loved ones and my most empathetic, understanding and supportive therapist who have allowed me the space to talk about the same situation over and over and OVER again, I just want to say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!! Your phone calls and text messages to me over the past week telling me how proud you are of me and how genuinely happy you are for me have meant the world to me.
#newbeginnings #toxicbosses #mentalhealth #thankyou #freshstart #Iamworthy #iamdeserving #iamenough #workplacetrauma #ichoosme
YouAreEnough 