11 yrs ago today, on April 4th, 2014, my life changed in an instant. It was a Friday afternoon, much like this one, at 5 pm, to be exact.
Life is so unpredictable. Even messy at times.
My life has been both unpredictable and pretty damn messy for 11 years now. I’ve been thrown many curveballs. I’ve been at my breaking point too many times to count.
Sudden shifts in one’s trajectory can have a great impact on a person’s mental and emotional health.
Today marks 11 years since my neverending battle with depression and anxiety first began. It’s a day that still plays out in my mind over and over again. A day so clear in my memory, it’s as though it were yesterday.
For those of you who have never heard the story of what happened to me on April 4th, 2014, here it is again:
https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2019/04/04/april-4-2014-its-been-five-long-years/
A few years ago, I wrote a poem reflecting on my journey, which I wanted to reshare with you again today. I’ve changed the number to 11 years. And although I may still be deep in throes of my battle with depression (treatment resistant) and anxiety today, please know that I continue to fight each and every day as best I can by staying focused on my healing journey with all the strength that I have.
IT WAS ELEVEN YEARS AGO TODAY: WHAT MY ILLNESS HAS BOTH TAKEN FROM ME AND TAUGHT ME TOO
It was eleven years ago today that I uttered the words “I want to die” for the very first time.
It was eleven years ago today that I felt hopeless and alone for the very first time.
It was eleven years ago today that my life no longer felt purposeful for the very first time.
It was eleven years ago today that I felt broken for the very first time.
It was eleven years ago today that I felt unlovable for the very first time.
It was eleven years ago today that I lost my way for the very first time.
It was eleven years ago today that I felt like the world was better off without me for the very first time.
It was eleven years ago today that I felt an abundance of sadness and shame come over me for the very first time.
It was eleven years ago today that my life was about to change forever, and I felt too powerless and helpless to stop it.
It was eleven years ago today that I peered outside my bedroom window, hoping to find myself somewhere out there.
It was eleven years ago today that suddenly I felt a disconnect from the person I once was, and with each passing year, she seems to fade further and further from my mind.
But someone new emerged in her place that day instead and even though she still feels all those same emotions today that she did eleven years ago her new identity has taught her so much more than she ever thought imaginable about both herself and others.
Her new identity has learned to embrace the difficult moments as a way to grow and co-exist with herself.
Her new identity has learned how to create more meaning in her life.
Her new identity has learned ways to stop running from herself by using the anchor she has been given when she needs a break.
Her new identity has learned to recognize the pain and suffering in others with heartfelt compassion, empathy, and kindness through the acceptance of her own pain and suffering.
Her new identity has learned how to ask for help and how to advocate for those who aren’t quite able to yet.
Her new identity has found her voice, one that she no longer takes for granted.
Her new identity has become stronger and more resilient than she truly realizes or gives herself enough credit for.
Her new identity has learned the importance of making self-care her number one priority.
Her new identity has learned how to set limits and enforce healthy boundaries, which has in turn created deeper, more meaningful bonds with the people in her life.
And she is grateful. Not for all that she has necessarily lost since that very first day eleven years ago but for all that she has gained and learned since then. And it’s a lot.
*Thank you to everyone who has been there for me and continues to be there for me since that very first day, loving me and supporting me every step of my journey and thank you as well to everyone who has shown up along the way; your love and support mean the world to me too.
#elevenyearslater #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #selfdiscovery #selfcare #depression #anxiety #suicideprevention #suicideawareness #yourmentalhealthmatters #checkonyourlovedones #bekindtoyourself #startaconversation #dontsufferinsilence #mentalillness #endthestigmatogether
YouAreEnough 