Trigger Warning ⚠️ mentions eating disorders and body dysmorphia
A few weeks ago, I was given an actigraphy device to wear on my wrist as part of the latest research study I am doing.
In case you missed it: https://wheredidmommyssmilego.com/2025/02/24/research-study/
I wore it for 2 weeks, all day, every day so the research team could measure my movement and track both my sleep and activity cycles. After I completed the 2 weeks early last week, I mailed it back to the research team in a self-addressed envelope they provided me with so that they could graph my results for their study.
During the spring, summer and fall months I am quite active and spend a lot of time walking and hiking in nature as you all likely know by now, but during the winter months, I prefer to hibernate. Winter and I simply don’t get along.
While wearing the tracker, I became super triggered. I spiraled, to say the least. Something I never predicted would happen. I felt shame and embarrassment as I realized just how little I move my body this time of year.
I’ve felt little to no motivation lately (not even to write). I’m angry and disappointed in myself. I feel stuck in this body that I can’t even stand to look in the mirror at.
Hate is an expensive emotion to have and often comes at an emotional cost to your mental health, which is where I’m at right now. It’s tiresome and draining to hate everything you say and do and every way you look and feel as much as I do.
I have struggled since I was 18 years old with negative body image, which led to an eating disorder and a very unhealthy relationship with my body and food ever since. I’ve spoken very openly through my blogging about the struggles I went through to overcome an eating disorder in my early 20’s but I’ve also admitted that for the last 30 plus years I’ve been on a very bumpy ride that has found me dealing with many of the psychological affects of “Body Dysmorphic Disorder” causing me to go from one extreme to the other at different times in my life by restricting my food intake, excessive exercising, to binge eating and self-induced purging and laxatives.
Hating yourself can feel like an endless loop of self-destruction, but with only days away from the start of spring, I am trying to lead with love and compassion in order to gain some insight into my most recent triggers knowing that in no time at all I will be back on the trails again, healing in nature.
#healing #nature #hiking #inwardhate #bodydysmorphia #actigraphy #researchstudy #compassion #mentalhealth #YouAreEnough
YouAreEnough 