Today, my brother and I started the daunting and disconcerting task of cleaning out my mother’s apartment. We have until the end of the month to do so.
She’s lived here for over 30 years now.
For the past 8 months my mother has been confined to a hospital bed, much of this time in a rehab center, working with doctors and physiotherapists to try and regain her strength back, enough that is to be able to go back home to her apartment.
The reality of her situation, along with a debilitating diagnosis where she will, from now on, be confined to a wheelchair began to sink in for all of us a few months ago. Going home would no longer be an option, and she would need to be placed in a long term care facility.
This decision has been anything but easy. Tensions are high. Emotions deep. There has been an immense amount of pressure placed on my brother and I, ESPECIALLY my brother, trying to navigate our way through this new reality while taking into consideration all the components involved, much of which due to my own mental health struggles I just can’t handle and have needed to set a whole new host of healthy boundaries in my life with the help of my therapist for my own survival.
The hospital staff started the process for us back in August. At which time she was placed on a “crisis” list at 4 or 5 LTC facilities of her choosing. They told us the process of finding her a bed in a “crisis” status could take one to six months. It’s been 3 so far with no word yet other than her applications have been approved. With her apartment almost off our to-do list soon, we will be ready for the next steps when that day arrives, hopefully, sooner than later. (Without a “crisis” status, the wait times for an LTC bed in Ontario would be YEARS; and years).
My relationship with my mother has always been a complicated one, but my heart knows this is what’s best for her at this point in time. LTC facilities often have an undeserving reputation, but in all reality, they can offer someone like my mother the safety and comfort she needs while giving her loved ones a sense of peace. I have allowed myself to accept the knowing of what this all means without truly speaking those words out loud.
But, then why is it that I am still filled with so much anxiety, anger, fear, resentment, regret, apprehension, sadness, and guilt? I know these are very common and normal emotions to have right now, but it doesn’t make the situation any easier.
I have to keep reminding myself that I didn’t cause any of this to happen and that I am doing the best I can to help make critical and necessary decisions based on the information and resources I have been given. I am also doing my best to handle it all to the best of my ability as I continue to try and navigate my way through so many other potholes in my life at the moment.
Today may have been daunting and disconcerting, but with that also came a feeling of peace as I sifted through many memories.
#relationships #family #itscomplicated #mentalheath #wellbeing #longtermcare #itsoktofeelyourfeelings
YouAreEnough 