It’s Thanksgiving today in Canada.
I make it a priority in my daily life to practice gratitude and give thanks, which is a fundamental part of my healing journey, but I am really struggling to do so today.
I know I shouldn’t, but I am.
It’s not to erase the good parts of my weekend that just passed either which included celebrating my mother in law’s birthday and hosting our traditional Yom Kippur, “breaking of the fast” dinner with family, Saturday evening.
Yom Kippur is considered to be the holiest day of the year in the Jewish faith. It’s a day where many Jews fast and while doing so are encouraged to focus their attention on introspection and atonement. It is also the time of year where we should look to the future and be grateful to be given the opportunity for a new beginning while at the same time be able to ask for forgiveness for our sins from the past year. It’s a perfect day for self-reflection.
Somewhere along the way this past weekend though I lost all focus and by late Saturday night and deep into yesterday I found myself on an ever tightening spiral with no end, leaving me overwhelmingly triggered by every single one of my thoughts and feelings.
Triggers are sensory reminders that can cause painful memories or certain symptoms to resurface. ~PsychCentral
Is there a limit to how much introspection is too much? Did I somehow unleash a whole host of unintentional triggers by looking to deeply inward? Shouldn’t introspection contribute to better mental health, not worse?
Well, I don’t actually have the answer to any of those questions, but what I do know is that no matter how hard I try to, I can’t stop my mind from racing, ruminating and overthinking in a continuous loop of negative thought patterns since late Saturday night. I feel panicked and anxious, hopeless, unsafe at times, helpless, and paralyzed with fear while experiencing unrelenting and very intrusive thoughts and inescapable outbursts of anger and tears.
Have I lost complete control? Can I no longer express gratitude? Am I not blessed? Or thankful?
Yom Kippur is not just a time to reflect on the wrongdoings you may have caused others but is also a time to reflect on the wrongdoings you have done to yourself too by looking deep inside of your own mental and emotional state as well. Too often, the person we find we need to atone to or ask forgiveness from the most is the person staring right at us in the mirror.
If you’re looking for me today, you may just find me staring down that person in the mirror, expressing gratitude, thanking her for her strength and courage and reminding her, just in case she has forgotten, just how truly blessed she is.
#thanksgiving #canada #blessed #grateful #thankful #atonement #forgiveness #introspection #mentalhealth #wellness #practicemakesperfect
YouAreEnough 