Five years ago today I was the guest of honour in a room filled with new friends, old friends, friends I’d never met before (including my incredible illustrator) and many loved ones to celebrate the launch of my new children’s book “Where Did Mommy’s Smile Go?” It was one of the happiest and proudest moments in my life. I was surrounded by so much love and gratitude.
Today, the memories from that night that pop up on my Facebook page year after year and always brings me great joy suddenly didn’t this time around.
I shared with you several years ago how I had discovered one day, back in 2021, by chance that the publishing company I had trusted with both my book and a substantial amount of money I’d been gifted through a grant from a prominent mental health organization, was stolen from me by this company. They had suddenly closed their business, without notice, taking with them my books and remaining grant money. Their emails, phone numbers, website, and Twitter account all disappeared, along with my dream.
It nearly broke me. I had to close my Amazon account and figure out how I was going to move forward. I felt defeated. I’d worked so hard on my book, even once Covid hit, ensuring its intentions and success. It was helping so many people, but I no longer had the strength to continue my mission, knowing I had to start over and likely republish it.
Luckily though, when the company had first published it, they’d sent me 100’s and 100’s of copies of my book to have on hand for events and book signings, so I decided for the time being I would focus my efforts there and keep going until I ran out of books before having to figure out where to go next.
Last weekend, I posted about a workshop I did at a work event. It went better than I imagined it would. I sold lots of books and was excited that I was going to be doing it all over again with another group of lovely ladies from my organization this weekend too, but when I got home on Saturday afternoon, I realized that the time had finally arrived and all that I was left with was a handful of books and several upcoming events in my calendar over the next while, including this Saturday.
I immediately went to a very dark place and have stayed there for the better part of the week while quickly trying to figure out what my next steps will be. I’ve spent the better part of this week, reaching out to lots of contacts and figuring out where to go from here. I may have an immediate solution for now, but not necessarily a permanent one.
I’ve cried many tears this week and have been battling with the demons in my head who keep telling me that I should just give up. Why bother? Just move on and forget about the purpose my book has given me and the important message it’s given others.
How has one of the happiest and proudest moments of my life suddenly made me feel so hopeless? How has my labour of love that I put my heart and soul into for 5 years suddenly made me feel so defeated?
I know in my heart that I just have to keep reminding myself of all the love and gratitude surrounding me while I figure out how to keep looking forward.
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YouAreEnough 