I hate confrontation.
I shy away from conflict.
I had mentioned recently that I’d been dealing with a very trying and toxic situation for months now. Well, if truth be told, it’s actually been well over a year. It’s been eating away at me and has caused my mental and physical health a steep decline, which included a stress-related ulcer last summer.
It’s exhausting and overwhelming and has left me beyond defeated at times.
My spirit broken.
I’ve cried over it for days on end. Unable to breathe at times. Feeling powerless.
It’s left me too anxious to sleep and has consumed my every waking hour.
My friends and family (and therapist) left having to listen to countless hours of my ranting over the past year, whether they’ve wanted to or not.
As I’ve stated before, growing up, I never felt as though I had a voice or was important enough to have one, so I learned to suppress my thoughts, opinions, and needs. I started to believe that my feelings weren’t worthy. I was never taken seriously back then, so why bother speaking up for myself.
It carried over into adulthood. But over the course of my journey these past 10 years, I’ve learned that I do have a voice and that it matters. Through endless hours of therapy, I’ve also learned how to use it. During the past year, while trying to navigate my way through this situation, I tried speaking up on several occasions. My efforts fell on deaf ears. I grew more and more frustrated. I felt gaslighted and defeated. It led me to a very dark place over the last few months.
I didn’t want to live. I saw only one way out of this situation, but with the strength of so many people in my corner, rooting for me, reminding me that I am worthy, helping me challenge the situation, and question it too, I continued to speak up.
There was so much uncertainty, but I didn’t back down. I stayed true to my convictions. And because of all the love and support I’ve had while working through this, I finally was able to put some rest to the constant unrest this week. I’m so glad I didn’t back down. It may not be completely over, but it’s certainly opened up space for some peace in my heart and some order back into my life. It’s allowing me the ability to push the reset button on a part of my life that has been in complete chaos for over a year now. At the very least, I’ve also proved to myself that I am stronger than I think and deserving of better.
I couldn’t have done this alone. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to each and every one of you who have spent countless hours encouraging me, supporting me, and being a listening ear when needed. I am eternally grateful to you and for you.
My plans for the weekend ahead is to stay in the moment, focused on what’s most important; family and friendship ❤️
Shabbat Shalom
#standup #staystrong #etenallygrateful #friendship #lovedones #inmycorner #dontbackdown #toxicity #mentalhealth #wellbeing #startaconversation #strength
YouAreEnough 